Questions Please Help!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Lost in Ca
Posts: 253
Questions Please Help!!!!
Hello .......Let first start by saying I am NOT a Alcoholic. I say this because I respect your sobriety and addiction. I have been a member of SR for approx. 2 years. During this time I have been posting on the Friends and Family of Substance Abuse. Thoughout this time my AH has told me that he was an alcoholic and that he uses no other substance. I didn't believe him because I have a brother who is a alcoholic and he behaves nothing like my husband. After reading on SR I have realized that he actually might be telling the truth. My husband disappears for hours, makes broken promises, visit liquor stores at lease 2 times a day, and has stopped being responsible for anything on so many different levels. He still goes to work but, spends a large portion of his check on alcohol and doesnt spend any time with the kids anymore. He has been involved in numerous extramaritial affairs and the woman usually work with him but have part time jobs as escorts and strippers. I guess what i'm trying to ask is can it JUSt be ALCOHOL that causes his disappearing acts, sweating, crossed eyes, and disregard for life????? I see my brother and I see totally different actions and he has been an alcoholic for 20 years. I hope that no one gets offended by my question acholism is a disease and I am praying for you all.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
I think alcoholis effects everyone differently.
Does it matter if it's alcohol or drug related?
What is ok for your life, for you to live with? Is it ok with you to spend your one precious life with a disappearing, sweating, cross eyed, philanderer?
Does it matter if it's alcohol or drug related?
What is ok for your life, for you to live with? Is it ok with you to spend your one precious life with a disappearing, sweating, cross eyed, philanderer?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 76
There's no single brush that can be used to paint a description of an alcoholic or drug abuser. Everyone is different. There are common signs, but not everyone will display them. The only way for you to know the truth is to ask your AH to come clean about what he does. As far as trusting him, that is really for you to decide. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Italy
Posts: 287
Sorry that you are unhappy (hardly surprising considering your circumstances)
You are always welcome to post here and noone is going to get offended by anything you say.
I tend to agree with smacked, does it really matter what the substance is?
You are always welcome to post here and noone is going to get offended by anything you say.
I tend to agree with smacked, does it really matter what the substance is?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Lost in Ca
Posts: 253
Actually it doesn't matter. There are so many unanswered questions that nothing really matters anymore. I have been on this ride with him for at least 3 years and I am tired. He claims he is going to get help this month but, I don't believe him. I think the best thing for me to do is step back and allow him to be responsible for his own actions. He moved out last year and came back six month later. That was my fault because I allowed him back without consequences, boundaries or a plan. BIG MISTAKE!!!!! I am so tired I can't even think clearly. I am at work but, I'm in a different world!
Tirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeed
Tirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeed
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Italy
Posts: 287
Hi Unhappy777
Only half of alcoholics ever quit. Only 1 in 20 will successfully quit sometime during the next 12 months. This is a long and arduous journey for everyone.
If you get a chance, read these excerpts from a book about the chemical changes that happen inside the vital organs of an alcoholic, especially the brain. Whenever you are wondering whatever happened to that lovely guy you fell in love with and who has now turned out to behave in such a totally unreasonable way, this might explain at least some of what is going on.
From what I have read on the F&F forum, there dosent seem to be too many "success stories" who are hanging around there. I see a lot of "dump the slob, he aint worth it". Thankfully my wife didn't dump me (not quite anyway!!) and we are very slowly building a new life together. However, its going to be up to you what you decide, whether you can be in this for the long haul. Whatever the case, griefing him about drinking is a complete waste of time. He aint listening, believe me.
Frankly I am not at all surprised that you are tired. Go and book yourself in for a massage as the very first step in looking after yourself as your number one priority.
Only half of alcoholics ever quit. Only 1 in 20 will successfully quit sometime during the next 12 months. This is a long and arduous journey for everyone.
If you get a chance, read these excerpts from a book about the chemical changes that happen inside the vital organs of an alcoholic, especially the brain. Whenever you are wondering whatever happened to that lovely guy you fell in love with and who has now turned out to behave in such a totally unreasonable way, this might explain at least some of what is going on.
From what I have read on the F&F forum, there dosent seem to be too many "success stories" who are hanging around there. I see a lot of "dump the slob, he aint worth it". Thankfully my wife didn't dump me (not quite anyway!!) and we are very slowly building a new life together. However, its going to be up to you what you decide, whether you can be in this for the long haul. Whatever the case, griefing him about drinking is a complete waste of time. He aint listening, believe me.
Frankly I am not at all surprised that you are tired. Go and book yourself in for a massage as the very first step in looking after yourself as your number one priority.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
No I don't think it's just the alcohol... I never cheated on my wife, I spent lots of time (maybe I wasn't always sober when I did) with my kids, I came home after work, well, my body did 
...
But I also started being less of a husband and father and I did lie and sneak when it came to alcohol and pills... I wasn't always someone that they could count on.
Maybe being a real @sshole was in my future, no, not maybe, I could see it comin'... thank God there was an intervention of sorts.
OK... Maybe if your husband recovers he can start to live a sober life and be the man he can be... but he has to change... everything.... If you sober up a horse thief, he is still a horse thief is he still steals horses.... He has to change because he wants to, not because you ask him to... that just leads to empty promises.
Prayin for you.
...But I also started being less of a husband and father and I did lie and sneak when it came to alcohol and pills... I wasn't always someone that they could count on.
Maybe being a real @sshole was in my future, no, not maybe, I could see it comin'... thank God there was an intervention of sorts.
OK... Maybe if your husband recovers he can start to live a sober life and be the man he can be... but he has to change... everything.... If you sober up a horse thief, he is still a horse thief is he still steals horses.... He has to change because he wants to, not because you ask him to... that just leads to empty promises.
Prayin for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Lost in Ca
Posts: 253
Thanks for the responses.......@Mark what type of intervention was done. I am willing to do a intervention I just don't know what to do.
Everyone else has given up ....I haven't I guess that is why I am so tired. I am in it for the long haul with him and then I turn around and have to defend my decision to my family and so called friends. They are treating me like I am the addict and I am fine. I am a positive functioning member of society that even through my husband's addiction finds time to be a good friend and mother.
Everyone else has given up ....I haven't I guess that is why I am so tired. I am in it for the long haul with him and then I turn around and have to defend my decision to my family and so called friends. They are treating me like I am the addict and I am fine. I am a positive functioning member of society that even through my husband's addiction finds time to be a good friend and mother.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Workplace intervention 
If he hasn't been in treatment, maybe that's something else you can try. Clearly you still want to make this work... you owe no one any explanation... you do what's right for you. Please keep a level head though, and be realistic... if he doesn't want it, it won't happen.
Good luck... Yea, maybe an intervention... work with a professional though... they can be tricky.
If he hasn't been in treatment, maybe that's something else you can try. Clearly you still want to make this work... you owe no one any explanation... you do what's right for you. Please keep a level head though, and be realistic... if he doesn't want it, it won't happen.
Good luck... Yea, maybe an intervention... work with a professional though... they can be tricky.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hicktown, PA
Posts: 1,479
Hey UNhappy- I'm sure Mark will fill you in on his experience with intervention and I hope you don't mind if I give mine.
An intervention, to me, would require confronting your husband about his addiction, mainly by telling him what your bottom lines are. For example, "If you continue to drink/use, you will no longer be welcome in the home where I am living." or "If you continue to drink/use, I will take immediate legal action to remove you from the lives of our children". You can ask him to get help to avoid negative consequences, but you can only ask. It has to be his decision.
Also, I have realized through trying to intervene with my own alcoholic brother, that your personal set of consequences are unlikely to be of much use to anyone but you if there is anyone else in the family/circle of friends that will continue to accept his bad behavior.
For instance, if you won't give him money, but someone else will, he won't care where he's getting the money. If you kick him out of the house, but he can go live with someone else and continue to drink/use, he probably won't care much until/if he sobers up.
But the BIG difference will be that you will have given yourself the opportunity to return to a sane life, without his exhausting drama.
Do what you need to do for YOU.
Jomey
An intervention, to me, would require confronting your husband about his addiction, mainly by telling him what your bottom lines are. For example, "If you continue to drink/use, you will no longer be welcome in the home where I am living." or "If you continue to drink/use, I will take immediate legal action to remove you from the lives of our children". You can ask him to get help to avoid negative consequences, but you can only ask. It has to be his decision.
Also, I have realized through trying to intervene with my own alcoholic brother, that your personal set of consequences are unlikely to be of much use to anyone but you if there is anyone else in the family/circle of friends that will continue to accept his bad behavior.
For instance, if you won't give him money, but someone else will, he won't care where he's getting the money. If you kick him out of the house, but he can go live with someone else and continue to drink/use, he probably won't care much until/if he sobers up.
But the BIG difference will be that you will have given yourself the opportunity to return to a sane life, without his exhausting drama.
Do what you need to do for YOU.
Jomey
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