Long Term Sobriety, in Terrible Situation
 

I don't know if I'm at the point of suicide or drinking, but essentially they are the same thing. I'm in the worst situation of my life and have no idea what to do.

Background: recovering alcoholic in my 20th year, depression (on medication), no alcoholics in family but sexual abuse as a child and mother who was schizophrenic.

For much of my sobriety I did very well; I achieved major professional success and my childhood dream (world travel) was realized. My present situation is this: I'll be heading to housing court for the third time and probably loose my home of 30 years and I'm waiting for the electricity to be shut off.

So, what happened? Five years ago I slid into a major depressive episode that was so bad I literally could not get out of bed. Thanks to a wonder psychopharmacologist & psychiarist I was put on medication that did "restore me to sanity". I was able to function although there was a strange detachment to it ... still, considering the alternative it was a miracle.

I sold a company I had built during sobriety and did quite well during this period. I was left with nothing much to do, had to start over at something.

Another critical thing happened: my best friend of 30 years moved out of town to live with a girlfriend in another state and refused to speak to me on the phone. There was no explanation. This was someone I talked to three times per day, who I saw three times per week. Not an alcoholic, I guess you would call him my enabler.

Since that time my life has been going steadily downhill. I went through the money I made and had to support myself. I've been doing terribly for two years and have wound up in this situation. I'm constantly distracted, lost concentration and lots of self-sabotaging. I've lost other friends as well, even my brother doesn't want much to do with me.

My program. While I was doing great, AA was sort of secondary, I'd get to maybe one meeting per week. No sponsor. Since my depression, I got a sponsor who resigned two weeks ago, I had increased meetings but right now it's almost impossible to drag myself out of my apartment.

I talk to my doctor and he sees me even though I can't afford to pay him. My depression is coming back, I spent three days in isolation in my apartment. My character flaw: not being honest because of shame and guilt (I don't tell people about my problems until the lights are about to go off).

I'm alone, in a terrible situation and my depression is getting worse.

Any suggestions? I know, my whole life is a mess, I'm a screw up.

Do you still have contact with the "psychopharmacologist & psychiarist" that helped you before? Could you call your local AA and explain the situation and see if someone may be able to come to you and then maybe take you to a meeting? Would you be looking for a new sponsor? know a person in AA who was in a very similar situation to you, including length of sobriety...they got back into the rooms, did the work they had chosen not to do, reason unimportant, with a great sponsor and put the brakes on their downward spiral and came back bigtime...they still take meds too and they are a pretty amazing person and help A LOT of people in the rooms...i haven't seen them in 4 months but will in 3 weeks:-)

Your story is not all that uncommon. Sometimes the still suffering alcoholic is the guy without a drink for many years. I've seen quite a few guys in your situation, and had the honor of working with a few of them. My suggestion is the same as it is for any suffering alcoholic.

Find a sponsor who has had a spiritual awakening as the result of the Steps, get in the BB, and do the actions suggested like your life depends on it. From what I've seen, previous experience will not get a person through this when the wheels fall off from managing well. Oftentimes that previous experience gets in the way of a needed, new experience.

My sponsor of three years resigned two weeks ago so I've cut back on meetings. I know, not a good thing to do.

I went to a meeting last night, have a coffee commitment. It helped a bit at the time.

Yes, my psychiatrist is a wonderful person who talks to me and sees me without charge. The problem is there is only so much he can do. I've been in self-destruct mode for three years and, I believe, have reached the point of no return. I've run out of people, even my brother can't deal with depression.

Alcohol, cunning, baffling & powerful. If it can't come in the front door, it digs a tunnel under the house. Depression is the perfect tool for it to use.

I'm sorry, I know it's a bummer to read this. We want to help each other, I know.

IMO this sharing partner was a critical part of your recover and you need to replace him ASAP. I would recommend that step-up both the quantity and quality (i.e. Big Book meetings) of AA meetings, until you find a suitable sponsor or phone network of friends to take that place.

Depression and anxiety are crippling, as you know.
I also know about the shame and guilt about not being able to leave the house.
I hope you will find some help with the Mental health issues also.
There are support groups for these issues also!

Two things in your post stood out to me..that your usual MO is to suffer in silence way too long and that you've recenty had some loss and abandonment.

I'm in no position to give advice, but knowing a thing or two about depression and isolation I will just repeat what you already know and what others have said here - make contact with other alcoholics. When I am so down that I can't or won't talk to my Higher Power He talks to me through other peope in the rooms or on the phone (when I'm smart enought o pick up the phone).

Your screen name caught my attention, I'm a big dog person too and I've always wondered what it would be like to live in NYC with my goggie. :acci:

Thank you all for posting suggestions, more of the incredible support I've had over the years.

Perhaps my experience can help others recovering alcoholics who also suffer depression. First of all, there's a huge difference between feeling depressed because of a situation and having the disease of depression. In the latter instance medication and therapy are required. As you can see, it's a life or death situation. And, the medication does not get you high, it restores you to sanity so you can experience real feelings

I can't tell you the number of times I've heard ignorant AA's putting down anti-depressants and those in recovery who take them. In the AA literature it says that "no one should play doctor" but too many people do that in the rooms. I've got a lot of time and don't discuss depression in meetings, although I do outside meetings if I can help someone else.

At HBO's website there is an excellent area cover alcoholism. There's an interview with a physician who says depression and bipolar are two diseases that typically accompany alcoholism.

There are also some groups that cover dual diagnosis, I believe - it might be good to look into those NYCDoglvr?

I think theres a link in here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

if you feel like you're at the end of your rope and you're out of answers, i'd take a taxi to the hospital and check myself in for some psychiatric in-patient treatment.

your life is such a precious thing and depression is nothing to mess around with. it sounds like you're reaching out for more help than you can afford right now. if you check into a hoispital, the county/city can help you with assistance with medication/treatment and therapy even after you get out with little to no cost.

you know your life was once good as you described in your above post. it can be again, you just need some extra help. please do whatever it takes to get yourself the help you need so we can benefit from your wisdom when you return to us.

i'll say some prayers. be well, and please keep us informed.

I spoke to my doctor yesterday, he wanted to see me today but I couldn't get there. Today served with a six-day eviction notice.

I'm sorry NYCDL

Best wishes for a speedy resolution to the housing situation.

D