mercurial me

This post is no way meant to be negative or derogatory against AA. AA has worked for millions of people and I think it's an amazing organization.

My problem is I don't have a lot of faith in some of the people in the groups. I've tried. I just still am not comfortable revealing stuff to people I don't know even though I have a lot in common with them. Granted, I still haven't embraced the steps/big book and stuck with the meetings for an extended period of time. I just don't trust what I might say being confined within the walls of the AA meeting.

I'm spiritual. I pray every night. I absolutely believe in a higher power. I go to church and sometimes the sermons resonate with me and other times they don't. If anyone has anything to share from their experiences with AA & can relate to my concerns I would be hugely grateful. Thanks

CarolD

MM.....

The Steps are the AA program.
The BB is a guideline for how to work the program.

Unless one is doing the work....not only sitting in meetings
one is not doing AA.

Save your confessionals to someone you do trust.
A minister ...a priest....your best friend.
My God already knows what I've done and forgives me.

War stories are not very interesting anyway.
Every AA member I know has their own...

bostonluv

I relate so much to you. It's just very hard for me there. I did finally have a spiritual awakening which I think of as different that how I just "believed" before. I have always believed in my God but since I went so far into the darkness of my mind - I could not hear Him/feel Him anymore as I did when I was a teenager. Trust Him or others. I kept waiting for this moment to arrive (to remember what being spiritual really is - not just a belief-but an absolute knowing and trust I will find the way)and am now so relieved. I have been searching for Him - so glad He is back.

So now I have that and I'm going back to AA where I don't know.....I am trusting God over this. Gotta figure out how to do this work and just do it without constantly questioning God! LOL - Hard. There is a lesson to this confusion, resistance and feeling scared and miunderstood. The frustration of what the heck am I doing wrong here? Pray and listen for Him. And then pray some more for Him to reveal Himself again. I know He'll show us this puzzle and how to navigate this. Then we can help and relate to those who had similar experiences as that's the whole point of life - To find Him and then help others. I completely believe all that I have written with all my heart.

A prayer for you.

Isaiah

When I go to meetings a lot of what I bring to the table is personal stuff, however, for me that's a matter of choice and not something I see as a necessity. A lot of the people I've sat with for years now only very rarely speak of their own stories, history, etc.

With the spiritual side of AA. I do not really emphasize that. I have a spiritual life and development outside of AA. I bring in my religious beliefs to my recovery, but I do not get my beliefs/spirituality from AA. Just my two cents on that.

WakeUp

Merc,
The problem with the "AA doesn't work for me" thing is you have to be open and trust in the process of change. That's the whole point of working the 12 Steps. When you work those steps you will transform yourself like a caterpillar into a butterfly.

As for opening up to people in meetings, I agree with Carol. War stories are boring. I don't want up sit through a game of one upmanship for 90 minutes. I want to share hope in a meeting. That's what I'm there for, hope and a solution.

least

Me too, that's why my home group is a discussion group. I chose that meeting because I learn so much from the wisdom and experience of others. We don't do 'war stories' at my home group. We discuss the solution and the ways we were helped along the journey to lasting sobriety.

Mark75

Is that a problem? I don't know. I do know there are people out there in and out of AA that I don't have a lot of faith in. That's why it took me a couple of months to find a home group I am comfortable with.

We are supposed to share in a general way about our personal adventures. Since I believe that AA is about a spiritual malady (partly)... and a spiritual solution (mostly)... I talk about those things leaving out the personal information that could come back to haunt me and that is irrelevant anyway.

yeahgr8

As Carol has said...AA ,believe it or not, is basically the steps that will allow an alcoholic to fully recover from alcoholism...there is no way that i would have worked the steps until i was desperate enough to and the same goes for most people!

I went to AA at 21, 30 and 33 for a few meetings each time...yet i got sober at 38 with the solution that is the steps to spiritual awakening of AA...why didn't i do the work earlier? Because i wasn't ready, i had more drinking to do!

Nothing worked for me until i was ready and i tried everything out there...people have this image of AA that you turn up for meetings, talk much as we did at the bar and magically we get sober...thats insane, any sane person or professional would say that was crazy but still post after post of i tried AA and it didn't work which is not true as that person has not tried AA...

And i totally empathise to people that go to AA and "try it" by just going to meetings because a large portion of the room are doing exactlly the same thing...totally ignoring the chapter How it Works which is read out at all the meetings i go to and even ignoring the huge poster of the steps on the wall...but at the same time i know that i thought i was different so why would i need to do the steps im unique and, so everyone keeps telling me, everyones recovery is different....

And this is why when AA first started the recovery rate was 75% because it was completely step orientated and serious...nows it about 5% because of what i have said above...how does sitting in a room full of other drunks keep you sober for the rest of your life and doesnt that sound like the bar but without the drink?!

But there are some really strong meetings out there and you will always foind a recovered alcoholic or two in the meetings, they will be the ones that you dont like much at the moment because like attracts like...the fellowship you get in AA is amazing too, when you recover you can make lifetimefriends but thats after the work...

Dunno if any of that helps...it wouldnt have made any impact on me whatsoever before i was ready but ive typed it now so...

Paraffinalien

My advice would be to listen to the people who are sharing about how much their life has improved through taking the steps, how much God means to them, those that are sharing about the solution in meetings. Then swallow your pride, approach them and ask for help with the program. Best wishes.

keithj

I've met a bunch of people who have faith in a higher power that can't stay sober. They pray, believe, ask their God for help. And there they are, drunk again against their most sincere desire.

I've yet to meet the person that has embraced the steps/big book and stuck with meetings fail to get sober and transform their life. Trust in others is a by-product of the 12 Steps, not a requirement for taking them.

mercurial me

x2 years ago I was going to AA meetings and one of the administrative ladies at my workplace was picking up her husband after one of the meetings. Long story short, this woman told everyone at my workplace that I was an alcoholic attending AA meetings and it made my relationships with co-workers excruciatingly uncomfortable. Once my executive directory found out that this women spread such info at work he fired her on the spot.

I'm just trying now to get my confidence back so I don't have to go to these meetings wearing sunglasses & ball cap. I am an alcoholic and it's absolutely true that I haven't given AA a fair chance as I haven't done the work yet.

I'm just praying that I can "click" with one person at the meetings that I can feel comfortable enough with not to tell "war stories" with but to guide me in getting started.

Thanks so much for your input everyone. I've read all of your thoughts in detail and they have put a new perspective on AA for me.

skg

Okay, first rule: Seek out THE PRINCIPLES of the program, not the personalities. Seek out someone who has what you want--and ask them how they did it. Don't get wrapped around the 'friends of AA' nonsense. AA is about The Steps and learning how to live life sober through a set of spiritual principles; not people. It's a proven fact that relying on the people of AA rather than the principles of AA will fail--miserably. We're a bunch of drunks, thieves, liars and cheats brought together to learn to live by a set of spiritual principles to become happy and usefully whole.
Ask questions about the principles and how to apply them. Get a sponsor whom you can trust, and develop a sponsor/sponsee relationship with them. Working steps will allow you to clear away your wreckage and develop some principles for trust and tolerance. We don't come in all fixed...
Sort of hard to complain about something you've not completely tried, isn't it? What part of the AA program isn't working for you?
Great, but it might be time to think about getting another one that is based on love rather than fear. I found that I was incredibly judgmental and terminally unique--all because of my fears of what I might lose, or what I might not get. Some guy in the meetings said, "You might wanna get another God, because the one you got is keeping you drunk!" Heck, I didn't even know I COULD choose one of my own understanding! Seems it was ME with all the fear and condescending judgment worrying more about the personalities in the rooms than getting sober--and what others thought about me. When THAT was revealed to me (and after I screwed myself back out of the ceiling), I managed to start looking at the steps rather than the people.

JeremiahS

"spiritual/religious yet AA hasn't worked for me " maybe cause the ball is in your court at this point. Use some of that faith instead of sitting on it.
Youll find people in AA who are trustworthy and have worked the steps and can help you go through them if you are looking and ready.

And if someone has what you want, youll know for yourself.

Listen in meetings for people who speak clearly about working the steps and how it was, what happened, and how it is now. Ignore the other gibberish.

BullDog777

This will not be a popular answer, but i have to be honest. I'm also not trying to be in any way disrespectful to anyone, this is just my experience...

I went to AA on and off for the better part of 8-10 years or so. It was not a good experience for me, personally.

I found it incredibly difficult to have to listen to a bunch of people sit in a room and talk about how booze ruined thier life on one hand and seeing the "oldtimers" tell everyone what to do on the other.

It didn't take rocket science for me to figure out that if i didn't drink, my life would be a heck of alot better. i didn't like that alot of these people came to rely so much on these rooms that they ceased to live much outside of them.

i also felt like it was almost selective brainwashing. you didn't do anything without talking to your sponsor. pray, share, call your sponsor, work the step you're on, go to a meeting....question nothing. everyone who had more time than you, knew more than you. it really rubbed me the wrong way. it seemed like it was alot like highschool where there were hierarchies and cliques and if you didn't blindly follow, you were an outcast and there was alot of judgement.

My faith is in God. My program is my relationship with him, and how i treat my fellow man. I too have lost faith in most people, and that's ok. I don't need them to stay sober. All i need is God, and my faith that he has taken away this horrible obsession from me. He has.

I was a bottom barrell drunk with no hope except for a foxhole prayer with my last day on earth. I got a miracle. I don't know why i did, but i was delivered from the hell of what my life was and i no longer rely or obsess on the poison that was killing me.

I chose to now live a life of gratitude. That's how i thank God for what he did for me. I am the father i always wanted to be and the husband i should have been 12 years ago.

It' not my way to try to change people or boast about things like that, but when the question you asked is posed, i have to tell you the truth as i see it. i believe i was the product of divine intervention.

AA has a statistic of about 1-13 people getting sober will stay sober longer than 90 days. To me, those are still some pretty slim odds. If man has let you down, maybe seeking God as you understand him with the same vigor you drink will deliver you from the same hell i was in.

bro-hug,
bulldog

meditation

Some people have fear of engulfment. I have that fear too. It's a fear of other's smothering. I have had to learn some balance to try to keep people from taking advantage and monopolizing me. It's about good boundaries. But I had a very hard time in group situations and just frankly am a person that doesn't do well in groups. I like a one to one situation. A trusted friend, a therapist versed in addictions maybe or one that you can sit down and finally trust. I was mandated to therapy by a program I'm in and at the time my AA sponsor made a crappy comment about my "rent a friend" which hurt but there was nothing I could do.. I had to go. Well I have been helped by my "Paid Friend" and I fired my sponsor.. my psychologist had my best interests at heart and was a professional. I don't know what the agenda of the sponsor was.
I am not going to bash AA, it works for some just as other things work for others. If you want sobriety keep looking till you find what it is you need, whether it's in a church, a Paid Friend, meditation, yoga whatever just keep on searching, I do believe your higher power will lead you to where you need to be and will work it out.

yeahgr8

Hey there i forgot one really,really important piece of advice!

Look for a sponsor who has a good amount of sobriety time...mine has 24 years, you don't have to go that far but i would aim between 5 - 10 years erring on the side of the latter number...

Now it is true that someone at 1 year could sponsor you but the problem is that you don't know whether they are full of **** or not at one year...and if they are not recovered you will literally following in the footsteps of someone who is still finding their own...even someone at 10 years abstinant might not have worked the steps so to cover that too:

The sponsor you choose should also be tried and tested in working the steps...so you would ask whether they have worked the steps and whether they got their spiritual awakening...a recovered alcoholic will not look blank or stammer at this...the whole point of the steps is to provoke a spiritual awakening, if you prefer a drastic personality change...its nothing to do with religion as you will understand when you begin this process...

This information is crucial to you choosing the right person...if you get the right person and do your bit you won't believe what happens!!!

Pinkcuda

If AA is to be done right than only a small fraction of your time with AA should be in the confines of a meeting.
Too many people have confused AA with sitting in meetings and too many sitting in meetings allow this to continue.
As usual the status quo is unacceptable in an environment where we regurgitate the word "acceptance" all over the place.

Benowhere

I have to say, I find it really baffling to hear what people are saying to you. Some of the things said are outragious. AA never had a 75% success rate, that is a myth! Bill W himself said 'you have no idea the failures we had'.

As usual, you are being accused of not 'working the program' because you don't think AA is perfect. Well, I am much more interested in truth. I have been to 700 meetings over 15 years, and I know it doesn't suit me, and it doesn't suit many many people. Most people recover completely without AA or steps, that is unarguable.

I have heard so many of people's dark secrets bandied about over the years in meetings, I found it 'normal' even though it wasn't.

I say to you in all honesty, if you feel AA is not for you, then fine. You are like most people, you are in the majority. It doesn't stop you having a perfect recovery. I quit smoking, drinking and other substances completely, at the same time, without any support program. If I can, you can. Good luck.

Boleo

I'm spiritual to. Too damn spiritual sometimes. My problem was I believed in a church God. All powerful but not always forgiving. What I needed was a God of mercy who would forgive and help an alcoholic like me.

What I ended up with, was a God of my own understanding. Not one defined for me by some doctrine. In short, "Other Peoples God" does not help me.

Benowhere

AA has its own God, the God of the 12 steps, with set prayers and rituals, with the 'promises'. What if a God Of Your Own Understanding isn't compatible with the 'suggestions' of AA? In AA, you can only have a GOYOU if it agrees with the philosophy of the 12 steps.