New here and suffering
 

Hello,

Been a long time lurker and tonight I decided to start posting... This past year has been h*ll. Two years ago I was a happily married man with a daughter, a nice home, a lovely wife and a perfect life with a professional job. I never drank and hadnt used drugs since high school. Our lives turned upside down when we lost our daughter. Since then my once near perfect marriage of 24 years has been slowly failing and I admit it was mostly due to my drinking and using pain killers and ketamine. At first she said so herself she didnt mind me using or drinking, but I guess it got out of hand. We fought more and I drank more. She left me a few times and had thrown me out a few times as well but we would always end up getting back together. I'd stop drinking for a night or two before I would start drinking again and the entire cycle would start over. I have been hospitalized a few times for alcohol poisining, drug overdose and suicidal thoughts. I've been homeless once because I had no money or anywhere to go. But she always let meback in. When I lost my job recently for drinking on the job, that was the last straw. She kicked me out like before and I crashed in with a friend. But now I'm thinking.... maybe this is finally it? She hasnt called or tried to contact me in anyway. It's been just over 2 weeks. I really want to call or text her but my guess is she's still mad...

I feel as though I lost it all

Hi pigeon

I am sorry for the loss of your daughter. God knows you have a lot better reason to drink than I ever had. But drowning out the pain will surely bring more and more pain, not less.

They gave me some very good advice over in the friends and family forum:
1) the number one priority is to get yourself sober and healthy
2) successful recovery involves more than simply not drinking
3) you cannot control what other people do or think, you can only control your own actions and lifestyle

It sounds to me as though you have a loving wife who will support you in your recory. But your recovery is what you must concentrate on now.

All the best of luck.

Hey Pigeon,

I'm sorry to hear about all this. I know how drinking can take us out of control and cause an avalanche of problems as though beyond our control.

But right now I would not be focused on this relationship. If she did take you back, then what? If you haven't stabilized yourself in sobriety to where you can stay sober you'll likely end up making mistakes again and further hurting her and yourself.

My advice would be to focus on stopping the thing that is causing all these things from your life to slip, which sounds like alcohol and drugs. Because those of us with drug problems cannot make positive changes in our life while we continue to use the substances that made the problems to begin with. It's trying to douse a housefire with gasoline.

I hope we can help you get a start on building sobriety. Sobriety is not always enough to fix relationships, but it's the best chance that you have (not to mention the best thing for you, yourself.)

Hang in there. Just take it slow and focus on you for now.

Welcome

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter Pigeon, and for your other troubles.
Drinking never helps tho, does it?

I believe we can choose how low we go with our alcoholism tho - please reach out and do something - today.

I know you'll find a lot of understanding support and help here.
D

Welcome to the family!:hug: I'm sorry too for the troubles you've gone thru but agree that getting sober will make your life so much better - even with the trouble that life often brings. :)

So sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter. Who knows? Maybe it was the last straw, maybe not. The only thing you have control over is yourself at this point, and why not take this opportunity to get to know yourself, recover, grieve and start new, regardless of your wife's decision. Stick around, I'm glad you're here.. it's been a great place for support for me for a couple of years now!

What's your plan?

Hi Pigeon,

I am really sorry about the loss of your daughter. I can't imagine the pain you and your wife are going through.

I really hope that you can make the decision to live a sober life, for yourself. If things work out with your wife, that's great and if they don't, it will be okay too.

I'm sorry for your loss and your current troubles. I lost my only sibling, my sister when I was 17yo and I saw how my parents fell even deeper into the abyss of their disease (alcoholism). God knows you have a much better reason to drink and use then the majority of us here. Let me say though that numbing your pain and drowning it with booze and drugs will not fix. Any of your problems. Though they seem to be a good temporary solution, as you can already see the rest of your life is slipping away. I beg of you to try and get some sort of support. Like the others above have mentioned sobriety alone is not enough to cure our troubles. Not only do we have a physical disease but it also effects us mentally and spiritually. Unless we can also work on the other two, we are doomed to go back to drinking and using. I sincerely hope that you do seek out some help to assist you in trying to get a grip on your drinking and using. It's really the only way we can make it in this world. I know this may sound a bit harsh, but use your daughter as inspiration. I'm sure she wouldn't want you to be doing this to yourself.

Sorry for the loss of your daughter and the marital problems that you find yourself in. That being said, what are you going to do about your recovery?? I know it may be hard to focus on that at a time like this, but really it is necessary for you to do something if you don't want to fall any further and to be able to gain some control of your life.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Having a recovery plan might also smooth things over with the wife, not sure about that, but at least it will do something for you.

Sorry to know of the loss of your daughter ...:hug:

Because you have been drinking and drugging....and you now
have no job.......I strongly suggest you call your local
Salvation Army
They have free de tox facilties and long range programs
to help you get back into the work place.
My adult son has been doing well by useing their resources.

All my best as you move into a better direction....:yup:

She will support you, but only if you support yourself first. Show her you want to change. It sounds like you really want to, and your taking the first steps.

You don't have to suffer one more day... someone above suggested the Salvation Army... I would also recommend AA. It has really been a great help to me and slowly but surely my husband is coming to believe in me and in my sobriety.

They're in the phone book- - or google AA and your town.

Keep posting...

Thank you all very much for your quick replies

I'm not sure what I will do from here. I feel like I'm at a crossroads. I can pretty much do what I want from this point and it feels different not having to consider my wife or anyone else when making a decision. I do not think it'll ever work again between us and I feel as though I've done too much damage beyond repair. I do miss her. But I'm hoping that I'm wrong and that once she sees me getting better she may perhaps take me back or at least talk to me. I resist the urge to contact her every day. But I'm starting to think I also want to do this for myself. I'm tired of having days, even weeks where I don't remember what happened. Im tired of wasting all my money on booze and drugs. I miss having a job and a roof over my head. But it all seems overwhelming. There's a lot of work to be done. I guess one of the reasons why I started drinking and drugging is because thats how I cope... I guess finding other ways to cope is in order. Finding some place to sober up would be ideal since I cant live with friends forever

Pigeon:

I am sorry to hear about your losses--all of them. I just wanted to ask you to consider seeing a doctor or going to the E.R. and being totally honest about your drinking and drug use, because detoxing can be extremely dangerous--and also tricky (just when you start to feel a little better, you might suddenly find yourself drinking and drugging again, or you may "need" the substances to ease the withdrawal pangs). Do consider calling the Salvation Army, because I think you need to be open-minded and willing to go to any lengths at this point. You are running out of options.

We are all here to support you, and I hope you want this desperately--consider desperation a "gift," because it might just be the very thing that saves your life. Addiction IS a matter of life or death.

Pick up the phone right now. At the very least you can call the AA hotline (24 hour service) and talk to a real live person on the phone who might be able to give you some further direction with regard to services in your area, including shelter.

You deserve a better life. It's up to you to take steps to begin that process; and then let medical staff, a support program, and SR help you as you do the work of recovery--one day at a time. Keep it in the day: You can only do what's right in front of you. Don't jump ahead of yourself into tomorrow, next week, next month.

At ALL costs, be good to yourself.

Best,
Viavai

I'm sorry you are still suffering.

You might find relief in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. Just call the hot line, find out where the meetings are and go to a meeting. Share that it is your first meeting and listen. You will feel some relief. I wish you well.