keepstrong

Hi all,

I'm just going to rant and I hope someone can make sense of this.

I'm an alcoholic. I drink and I sit at home and go on the computer and drink every night. I'm 30. My family lets me live at home. Reluctantly.

I was supposed to be the star. The lawyer/doctor of the family. I'm really smart even though I act like the cool guy. I got abused, a lot. Middle school, high school, father (verbally constantly and still, in a sense.)

Nobody cares about me. Well, they do, but from a distance. I always tried way too hard with people, that's how I was taught. Be nice, try hard and do the right thing. Sad part is, I was never taught to think of myself. I was very easy to take advantage of.

Anytime I ever wanted to, I was beaten to death mentally.. kinda like "he's right, she's right, YOU'RE WRONG... DO THINGS RIGHT AND THE WAY I TELL YOU."

30 years of this. I never met a single person that not only understood, but cared enough to stick around. I did all my own personal therapy, but the funny part is I always helped people with THEIR mental therapy and then they bailed.

Sick world.

I'm a great guy, despite the fact that ten years ago I did and .... drugs. It was like a new world, until it crashed down. I left that world. But not without getting beaten to death by family. So much denial, and so much arguing that wasn't fair. DENIAL. They STILL deny things about me. And they still fight me. God, no one cares

I went through 2 relationships. They loved me like crazy and it was great. Eventually they went sour and both basically crushed me. Crushed me enough to look like a psycho even though I'm not. I mean it. When you have no love or support but you have someone who cares you want to hang on. I feel like an idiot. Whatever. Both moved on VERY quickly. The first still hung on even though she married. I eventually wrote her a note to stay away.

There was a third. It's probably in my past posts. The third was so much insanity, that I don't even want to bring it up. It was like life threw a left field thing that .... well it was kind of like getting pummeled from Arnold Schwarzenegger, not even fair!

As you can see, I never learned boundaries, since I was always forced to care about other peoples' feelings more than my own (til the past year or so when too much broke down). In fact, I DIDN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND THAT I HAD MY OWN FEELINGS UNTIL RECENTLY BECAUSE I WAS SO TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF BY EVERYBODY TO NOT PAY ATTENTION TO THEM!!!!!

I'm a great person. Although I have plenty of anger, trust issues, and resentment, and I can't imagine working for people again (I'm a VERY hard worker but so sick of people)... I make people laugh, I'm a cool person, and I'll give the shirt off my back for you.

God I could go on and on for hours and hours about how I ALLOWED people to take advantage of me (and didn't know it, I swear!!)

If you met me on a good day, you'd think I was like Mother Theresa or Ghandi. On a bad day, you'd hate me or be scared of me or feel sorry for me. But I never (intentionally) want to hurt anyone. I also think too much which sucks horribly.

Future. How to go forward?? I left my previous field about 4 months ago. They loved me because I worked so hard. In fact I was told that they loved my work ethic. I'm not lazy, I'm just so tired of everyone and everything.

I tried a couple relationships but I stopped them before they really started because I didn't want to drag anyone down. I have so much to offer and have incredible skills and caring, but I have no strength left.

I have one incredible skill that could help lots of people, but I don't want to talk about it for fear of some random person knowing who I am and I just want to vent in privacy really badly. I want to start over and do this. But I don't know how to monetize it because I'm too damn nice. I basically just don't fit in anywhere in this stupid world. A normal life seems like heaven.

Unfortunately, the second I start "doing the right thing" or helping people, or whatever, they bail on me (like ALWAYS), and leave me to perish.

I'm done. Sorry for being so dramatic, but that's how crappy I feel

I'm all ears, and I hope you are all well.

Zencat

Its all too too much to understand at first. The battle between the ears can occupy volumes of what ifs, I could have, if these things, when I was, before this, and on an and on until....well I know where this fine contemplation of all the exacting causes and conditions brings one to the undeniable conclusion...I need help.

Your there.

And your here. Thank goodness you don't have to face this thing alone. I get it, I've been there, I can help...we can help. All it takes is a willingness to be apart something greater than you yourself can face alone. Why you may ask? Simply...you came here to heal. You did ask for help, support, understanding....You understand that being here will help bring changes into your life...positive changes...life affirming changes...drastic changes.

What are you willing to do...with the help that will be offered here...specifically commit yourself to being sober...one day at a time.

Its on now...I'll be here to help...others will be here to do the same.

Time to change...yes!

Cobalt

Someone once told me "you think too much" and you know what, it was really true.

Sometimes your own mind is your worst enemy. You need to BELIEVE in yourself. It may seem hard at first, but it gets easier as time passes. The truth, the ultimate goal, everything - is within you. Stay strong, KEEPSTRONG, I know you will.

Benowhere

I personally believe you have to quit drinking before solving any other personal issues. Once the drinking stops, the healing can begin, but probably not before. I have been in a similar place to you, but it got better.

Try not to think of your condition as permanent, people do change, all the time. I found the answer to my addictions from Allen Carr's EasyWay books. Also, AVRT helped.

keepstrong

Yes, I think I need to mute what is between my ears, get over the past, and move FORWARD in a healthy way. I finally knocked some sense into my family and they allowed me to take these months off, thankfully! If they hadn't, who knows what could/would have happened. Father still grumbles constantly, even though he should really look at himself first honestly, but it's so much less than the abuse I took on a daily basis, I suppose I should be thankful for that. Thanks Zencat.

Believing in myself, lol! I don't even know who I am! Besides a fun loving dork that is. I feel like I don't really have an identity or anything to believe in. Any tips or suggestions for believing in myself? I just opened my toolbox and there aren't any tools there lol.

I DO need to stop drinking. That sucks. I suppose not so much for the stop drinking part, since that quite obviously ruins just about everything in my life, like the drugs did, but because I'm going to lose more of the very few friends I have left. I did it before with the drugs because I literally had to. It wasn't even a thought process, I just did it because I probably would have died otherwise. This time it's going to require work though. Alcohol sucks because it's socially accepted, even though it does the same thing quite frankly.

But I guess they have their story and I have mine, and I don't want to write this story anymore. It's really hard to meet friends when you're really shy and sensitive, rejection really hits me like a ton of bricks. I typically drink to get through the rejection, and it's easier to blame a rejection on drinking than on someone just not liking me

If I may, what is AVRT? I tried Allen Carr's Easy Way to Quit Smoking book a few years ago, it didn't work for me although the information is incredibly solid. What did you get out of the books? Is the Drinking one any different or better?


I actually have a specific question that I'm hoping someone can answer. How do you re-motivate yourself to get back into life when you've taken a lot of time off? I'm very unmotivated and I don't want to wait until the bank account is dry although I guess it's partly starting to happen on its own.

Also, how do you get excited about things? Nothing really excites me, which seems very different compared to other people, who get excited about stuff.

Thanks in advance!

Jupiter

Keepstrong,

Your story reminds me of elements of my life, and coincides with your age (30), even though I am 37.

Importantly, I think part of the problem is introspection. I do a lot of introspection, and for some reason I and my smart alcoholic friends always revert to introspection.

Looking at your life through a microscope/magnifying glass is not going to make you feel better. You will only disturb unsettled memories, and even criticize yourself.

What is important is that
A) You are young
B) You are healthy

You need to find an avocation that you really enjoy, and pursue it.

I made the mistake of constant rumination/introspection years ago, and all it did was make me more depressed and drink even more heavily.

Jupiter

Freedom1990

I couldn't address any issues in my life as long as I was active in alcoholism.

Once I got sober and become proactive in my recovery through AA, a lot of those issues worked themselves out. Amazing!

Paraffinalien

Through the program of Aa i no longer need to rely on myself. Good luck in your recovery.

Benowhere

Keepstrong,
The Allen Carr book is along the same lines as his smoking books. Like anything, they can only work when you are ready, nothing is magic. Look up AVRT online, it's a simple thinking skill to beat addiction once and for all. People scoff at it, and it's not very popular here, but, free speech and all...

As far as feeling unmotivated, and unhealthy introspection, I have certainly been there on both fronts at various times. The answer of course, involves taking action, even when you don't feel like it. Yes, you could go to AA meetings to get out of the house and meet people. but if that isn't what you want, then I believe doing anything different which involves a bit of challenge will help. Once you get your confidence back, then you'll naturally want to do more.

Boleo

What does "...drugs" mean? What you are failing to see in this Smorgasbord of problems is that it is interwoven with drugs and alcohol.

When I looked at my life from the perspective of a victim, it got worse. When I started looking at it from the perspective of a student, it got better.