mercurial me

I've always been an all or nothing alcoholic. Either I'd get on a stretch of sobriety (which has been a rarity in the past x12 years) or I'd drink 24/7 (literally)

I'm in a rut where I can make it through the day and pick up a six-pack of beer after work. I can kill that during the evening with ease and find my "comfort zone". I have a huge tolerance after years of alcohol abuse a six-pack a day is "mickey-mouse" compared to my drinking behavior in the past.

Getting totally sober would be like winning the lottery at this point. My liver is in constant pain during the day and my skin is itching now. I think part of the reason I need that six pack after work is equal parts routine & fear of the damage done.

My doc wants the next barrage of blood tests done after xmas as he has no faith that I would stay sober over the holidays. My girlfriend remarks that a six-pack of beer consumed by her would "put her out" for the evening but she can't tell the difference between sober me & after a six-pack me at this stage.

I'm so afraid as I know my body isn't able to even process the amount of alcohol a six pack a day has. I'm too afraid to binge and too afraid to get sober and grapple with the reality of the situation.

I know what I have to do. I just can't do it. Thanks for listening.

drumstick

Jails, Institutions or Death.

Good Luck!

johndelko408

It kind of sounds like your almost ready to quit otherwise I don't rink you'd be posting. Like drumstick said, there's three places you'll wind up. You said that your current drinking is "mickey mouse" compared to your old drinking. So you calmed down a bit, all that is really doing is prolonging your suffering.

NoAlcoholToday

Hi mercurial

I have been an alcoholic for 12 years too now and I was more an "all" than an "all or nothing" for me

I have tried a million times to quit and it never really went anywhere. This time though, I have a feeling that it might be different. I am only 11 days sober but there are 2 things that have changed since all my previous attempts.

Firstly I come on this forum EVERY day to get support and see that there are other people just like me - I am not alone on this journey

And secondly, I realised that this idea of "never" drinking again was "never" going to work for me. So the only way I can get through is to "not drink today" (see my name tag) and tomorrow can go hang till we get there.. All the best

CarolD

MM....you have been a member here for over 3 years.

Members have shared experiences....concern ..advice and
offered support for your active alcoholism.
I am sorry you won't quit drinking...

One of those cans will kill you.
Darn shame.
What more is there to say?

Dee74

I have to agree with Carol MM...

I've been there. Lots of us here have.
There is another way.

Looking back on the insanity now, it's like Russian Roulette - with 5 chambers filled...
sooner or later...
D

BullDog777

i don't know what to say anymore really...except this is probably going to end badly.

your self destructive behavior and constant sabaotge is winning over and it's sad to read about.

I've been where you have been. I was itching all over too, and it got so bad for me, i started to scratch sores into my skin. it's horrible. this was the stage that had me on my knees for a long time.

it almost seems like you're looking for permission to give yourself another bender in this vicious cycle you've landed in.

at this point, the best thing you can do for yourself is go to rehab or check yourself into the hospital. i just don't think you can do it on your own anymore and i really doubt you have too many more days to figure out what is obvious to everyone else.

Sad.

SSIL75

I was just thinking about you yesterday. Wondering how you were.

What is stopping you from going to rehab? If you feel too afraid to go it alone, I mean. For me sobriety is like learning a new skill. Rehab can help you learn how.

DayTrader

Can't? ....or won't?

Like Carol said, ESH is cool, but it only goes so far. Sharing, learning, friendships, sympathy, encouragement, posting on a website, attending AA meetings.....those things are all nice...... but they don't "create" sobriety. Sobriety requires action - action that anyone "can" take but, unfortunately, action that many choose not to take.

keithj

That term jumped out at me, mercurial. Conceding to my innermost self that I was alcoholic meant that I accepted there were no gradations to sobriety for me. I was an all or nothing guy as well. Either all drunk, all the time, or totally sober.

Totally sober, in body, mind, and spirit, is the only way I can be any part of sober. There were no third options for me. 'Go on the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could, or accept spiritual help.'

quotes aabb1st

juliwuli

i have two suggestions for you that have helped me..
1. check in here every day, you dont have to post i just sometimes spend 10 - 20 mins reading the forums
2. take one day at a time , who gives a fudge about tommorow? just live in the TODAY
i used to be an athlete (ironic i know) and sometimes during a race i would sometimes live for the minute i was in not just the day but concentrating on the minute i was in - nothing else,
dont know if this helps - probably not, but you have been an inspiration to some of us here , wether you like it or not
i, and i know of a few others here who dont want this to end badly for you, i often pop in here during the day hoping to see a post from you which will read ' havent had a drink for a month-feeling great ' or something like that,
i have a feeling you can do this,

doggonecarl

Sounds more like you are "all alcoholic, doing nothing about it."

Your six-pack a night resembles what my drinking was for too long. Drink the bare minimum, just enough to keep the nerves from fraying. More afraid to NOT drink because I didn't know what would happen if I didn't "Feed the Need." Then slowly but surely, the amount of drinking increased and so did the fear of not drinking.

But I quit. I got sick of walking the tightrope of fear. Aren't you sick of it too?

tmbg

So, you're at the point where nothing about the drink is good anymore. Been there myself, and it is a horrible place.

Please realize that it will never be good anymore. I'm not one to make grand proclamations, but there comes a time when you have to get it, and it sounds like the seriousness of the situation is hitting hard. The time to get help is when you feel that you "can't" do it alone.

sleepie

Hi Mercurial, I am really glad you posted, I wonder about you. Can you get into a rehab? I think it's a great idea- you have some hope over this thing, as you indicated with a post regarding your doctor's comments and test results- you said you could "turn this thing around". Why are you so afraid? You know what this will result in. I wish I could do it for you, which makes no sense since I struggle with this too but you seem to have so much to offer.

least

You can do it, you just won't do it, that's the literal difference between life and death. I kept trying and failing for two years. I finally realized I'd never honestly tried to quit, was just trying to drink less... which didn't work too long or too often. Why not get yourself into rehab or detox at least. You sound like you need some outside help as your insides don't seem to be too strong by themselves...

I hope you will quit drinking before it kills or hurts you or someone else...

mercurial me

Thanks. I religiously check in here every morning and post here & there when I have something of substance to add. I think you're right that just trying to stop for one day might have a snowball effect again.

mercurial me

I am spiritual. I believe in God and pray every night for myself and those I love. I attend church at least twice a month. I just have little faith in other people. AA is not for me as I had some bad experiences there and I've been going to a weekly AADAC group here that is mandatory for people who have been convicted in the legal system (I'm not one of them).

I know what alcohol is, pure poison to the body and mind. I didn't pick up my usual six pack. Just like Juli said, I'll try and do it one day and a time again and avoid all those triggers out there (or at least find a better way to deal with them)

Stang

I like you and want the best for you but you are hell bent on killing yourself.

mercurial me

Do let me know if I've worn out my welcome on here Carol. I'll leave without a fuss

Sudz No More

Sorry the demon still has a hold on you Merc. Like Craig Ferguson said, "I don't have a drinking problem, I have a thinking problem"

You just gotta shut it down, turn out the lights. Don't go in the room that spooks you anymore. I dunno, if I had the symptoms you tell us about I would be scared straight. I really think maybe it is time for some intervention on the part of someone who knows how far down the path you have gone. Maybe it's time to tell your fiance' how sick you are. At this point you really have to believe this is a sickness you have, nothing will make it better at this point without some medical attention. Time to hang up the gloves buddy, the bell is ringing, and you are on the canvas.

Time to start training for a new fight, the fight to live. You can do it, just make the choice before the clock runs out. We're pulling for you. Take Care.