Ten0fnine

I realized something today, that I never really... thought about before. Sadly.

And I've been pretty upset about it. And I came very close... to drinking today. Moreso today than the previous three.

Mind games. Guilt. "No one will know. Just do it."

Regardless... I'm unable to sleep. And I have a confession.

I've driven. Drunk. With my wife and children in the car. More times than I can bare to think about.

And I'm sorry. Very... deeply... sorry.

coffeenut

Guilt will eat you alive. Get rid of it....you can do it with sobriety....you can.

Glad you are here.

LadyLuck

I can certainly relate to doing some stupid things under the influence. Find relief in the idea that past is NOT prologue.

The wonderful thing is that you and your family are alive despite. And you can, afterall, look forward to never, ever, ever having to drive in that condition again.

Regret and remorse can be powerful catalysts for change. Don't wallow in past shortcomings. You are a much better person today for recognizing the above.

I hope that you can forgive yourself and make positive changes moving forward. As you say: "Another step forward... trying not to look behind me."

Be well.

artsoul

Look at the positive, Ten: you don't ever have to put them in danger again. Certainly, drinking isn't the answer to feeling guilty about drinking. (Of course, that's the way we often thought in the past).

Give yourself some credit for staying sober these past several days. Don't listen to that committee member in your head that wants to make you feel bad about everything.

I have images of almost running off the road with 2 small children. Hard to face, but the only thing I can do about it now is to see that I stay sober.:ghug3

suki44883

Can't change the past, but it is good that you are looking at just how dangerous your past behavior is. Like artsoul said, you never have to put your family in that position again. Keep doing the next right thing and you'll be fine.

Glad you were able to fight off the temptation to drink. It's one day (sometimes one minute) at a time. Hang in there. You're doing great!

Ten0fnine

I'm working on it. This one's tough though. I can't believe I never realized what I was doing... or could have done.

I literally just can't believe it. I would never have played with a loaded handgun with them standing nearby. While drunk.

But I drove. A 4000lb bullet.

And thus the sobbing begins. Great. I just got rid of my withdrawal headache.

SSIL75

It's OK to cry. It's very sad In time you might be able to disassociate a bit. That's how things seem to be working out for me. I literally feel like a different person and I feel sadness for the person I was. Not that I don't feel shame and regret, too (I do). But mainly sad. It was a miserable way to live.

Toronto68

Ten, I think it's possible you will be dealing with a number of ideas (memories, notions, etc) that create feelings of guilt in you. I think it's a fairly standard development in people (alcoholics) that quit drinking. I had it. In my opinion, it's not only a shame felt intellectually, but even a result of physical changes (I suppose it's the same as feeling carefree through the drug, only in negative, now that it is being evacuated.) I think there's something to be said for allowing the feelings to process, because that can help with avoidance of complacency, perhaps....I don't know; but not to such an extent that they take a toll.

I don't consider myself the best provider of advice, but I believe in looking for a balance of positive and negative in the aftermath of quitting. I think it's okay to dwell on the remorse somewhat, because humility and gratitude are life-promoting states of mind; but I also think it's important to pay yourself some recognition. In fact, I think it's important that the recovering person learn how to do this for himself and not only to (try to) accept encouragement from supportive people. I can't guarantee this, but it's possible you will have a better idea of what I mean soon, as you adapt to your change.

When you have the thoughts of drinking, bring them up here for encouragement not to go down that road. The first drink pulls it all off the rails for an alcoholic. When you stay away from that first drink, there isn't one to come after; and you allow yourself to keep a good thing going.

I'm happy for you that you are still working on this, and already a few days have passed.

Bamboozle

It never failed...the more I beat myself up the more I set myself up to drink.

It's okay to feel pain, to hurt, to cry, to acknowledge what I did and didn't do. It was when I started beating the crap out of myself I gave myself reasons to drink--and every time I self hurt I drank. What I had to learn to do was was cut me some slack...I gave myself a break by forgiving myself.

All I can do is live from this moment on and do the best I can by learning from my mistakes and moving forward.

You're doing well, Ten. You're sober. You're hanging in there. Give yourself some credit for bettering your life.

yeahgr8

I had lots of guilt and remourse about things i had done...the images would just come out the blue and i would cringe...i honestly thought that i was really sorry but really i was sorry how it had or could have affected me...if there were no consequences guaranteed from me drink driving, e.g. no-one would get hurt, i would get everyone home in one piece, would i have stopped drink driving just because it was against the law...of course i wouldnt because i needed to get from A to B and that was the most important thing i had to do at that time for me and normal rules did not apply to me...

Its funny in hindsight how much time i spent wallowing in self pity under the guise of true remourse and guilt...just grateful im not there anymore:-)

Dee74

Hi Ten

I remember the hammer blow when you wake up, and realise some of the things you did.

If there was a power that let us go back and do over - I reckon most if not all of us would do it.

But there's not. We just have to accept it best we can and move on.

Use that energy not to beat yourself or swim in despair, but to look forward - look to ways you can keep on continuing this process of a recovery.

A new life. A fresh start.
Being who you always knew you should be.

That's a real amends.
D

least

You're not the only one!! I have too, with my kids (and their friends). I never thought I was "too drunk" to drive but daughter told me later how bad I really was... And altho I feel like sh!t over my past behavior, I'm making it better by not doing it anymore.

Don't beat yourself up! Work on being the best person you can be today!

Like Bam, I too was drowning in despair and self hatred and that only gave me reasons to drink - since I felt like a loser anyway...

Stop beating yourself. You're doing great on staying sober. Cut yourself some slack, ok?

thisisme

It's good to be sorry of the past. Remember these feelings next time you consider that first sip.
It's also good to move forward.

Don't look back, you're not going that way.

Ten0fnine

Thank you everyone.

Last week, I would have used that as an excuse to drink. (and drive in all likelihood)

4.5 days down. The rest of my life to go.

Kmber2010

Glad to see the update Ten. We can work through these things and they do pass my friend.

coop1

Hey Ten, I can totally relate. I am on Day 6 and on Day 4 all of the darkness of my past hit me like a ton of bricks. It still is...like you said, can't believe the selfish things I did. I think that this is all part of our journey. Stuff we could sweep under the rug and hide from by drinking is coming to the light. This is part of the battle, hang in there, we will all be better off because of it.

DayTrader

More than you can think about --> good. thinking about it serves no one... not you, not your family, not the other drivers...not even God.

Very... deeply... sorry --> Resolving to never drink again and taking the necessary action to make sure that you can stick to that resolution DEMONSTRATES true sorrow.....and makes an amend at the same time. It's the best you can do to right that past wrong. For me, that meant I had to "join up" with the recovery process......and go to any lengths to get recovered....or I just KNEW I'd be back out there doing it all over again.....and again....and again. Saying "I'm sorry" after I hit you in the face.....then hitting you again and saying "I'm sorry" again....and continuing to repeat that cycle doesn't mean as much to you as me not saying sorry but never hitting you again. It's the demonstration of true sorrow by taking corrective ACTION to ensure what we did doesn't happen again that really matters.

As my sponsor says.... "So you're sorry, great....now.....what are you going to DO about it?"

Ten0fnine

The more time I have sober, the more emotionally unstable I'm becoming. The more... unhappy I'm feeling... Oddly enough. It seems it should be opposite. Being honest with you, I sat last night and cried for almost 2 hours. Physically I feel better. Mentally I feel more fragile than before.

I'm very analytical. Very... yes/no. On/off. Up/down. I don't work well with the fuzzy edges... With the space between the Sun and the Earth. With the... muddled, confused thoughts of the little boy that lives within this sad man's body.

I'm holding onto the hope that, as everyone says, this will pass. I understand that I'm going through mental, physical, chemical changes- all of which can lead to, or trigger, a venerable cornucopia of emotions and memories. Logically I know this.

I'm... not craving a drink as much as I am just a... way out of the feelings I have inside. I see now that I always drank to "deal" with this. I've had way more than my fair share of therapy throughout the years. I've been on med after med after med. I never drank because I liked to. I drank because I don't like me. And now I'm sober, and I have to deal with that.

NoAlcoholToday

Hey Ten

I went to therapy a long time ago. My therapist told me that I would never be happy whilst I was trying to change the things about myself that I didn't like. The only route to true happiness would be to accept myself just as I was. Not to judge myself as good or bad - I am just me.

Hey, a decade later, after drowning myself senseless in booze, I am finally coming to the realisation that he was right about this. I am 9 days sober today and for, the first time in longer than I can remember, I am feeling a bit of a glow inside (and that has NEVER been there in all the time I was drinking).

Congratulations and keep up the good work.

leo21

I understand your analytical ways, but the reality is that other than black/white in this world, there exists many shades in between that you will have no choice but to acknowledge when discovered.

The fuzzy edges, like you described, the 'unseen' - certainly exists and there is nothing wrong with that notion. Early on, I found myself with extreme remourse and sometimes still have those feelings when the phrase crosses my mind: "Man, I can't believe I...."
Just fill in the blanks.

People say and do stupid, illogical, crazy things that seem ok and makes sense when under the influence. The good news is you are in recovery and are sober. For what it's worth, you never have to go there again. I said it before and I'll say it again, there are no regrets in sobriety. We open the door, step inside, and experience a whole new world with a much clearer vision than what we once had. Thanks for this post - the past is something I cannot dwell on, yet must not completely forget.