sleepie

I am awfully down. I have been thinking a lot about my deficiencies, like having Tourettes and probably a learning disorder, and I've been so down and all I want to do is drink. I can't stop thinking about how I am not supposed to be here, and that people are right to treat me badly because I am worthless and have no rights. If I'm stupid and I'll never have the life I want, there's no reason to pursue anything, even sobriety. I can't get the horrible things my family did and said to me out of my head. My therapist said I'm supposed to write 5 things that are good about myself, I spoke with her today and I cannot think of anything except that maybe my body could be donated to science. I'm not good at anything, and I can't stop thinking of how people have lied to me and used me, I feel so worthless...

24hrsAday

sleepie.. sorry to hear you are feeling so down tonight.. i really struggle with bad feelings about my past myself. it has taken me a long time to start to begin to feel somewhat better about myself and i still have days when i feel like $hit and really struggle. thanks to A.A. and Honestly Trying to work on the Program (the steps) those days are Fewer and Fewer all the time.. Thanks for posting. you are NOT Worthless..

Dee74

I'm sorry you're feeling down too Sleepie.

I think you have many good things to offer, you're a talented and caring person - you're far from worthless.

I hope you feel better tomorrow - and stay sober...because there is always a point to that, even if we can sometimes lose sight of it.

Drinking never makes anything bad better, especially depression.
take care
D

c49

Well, look at this another way... You've identified what is making you feel down.

I can relate with you on this as the last few weeks have been beyond cruel and my alcoholic brain wants the same relief as yours does. Sorry Smirnoff... I will not cave today!

Even Non-Alcoholics have bad days and even some have very serious family issues like you and I do. I didn't ask for them any more than you did. You didn't ask for Tourettes, alcoholism, or a learning disability either... Hey I know I have ADD and it went undiagnosed in school. I actually found a cool way to learn and study but thats a story for another day.

So where do we go when things get tough? Actually, you already did it. Writing it out helps me immensely. I realize you felt mistreated in the past but I truly am interested in what you have to say and would be happy to offer what I can to help. I bet many other members would do the same.

Sometimes I don't feel up for the cheery pep talk when I had days like the ones I have had recently. IT takes work on my part. And the more we train for these things the better, and healthier, we can handle them. If we needed to run a 5K or half marathon 4 times a year then we realistically need to live and train for it every day -- Same with living sober in of a marathon of crap!!

Thanks for the update

tjhook

It broke my heart reading that post...I am so sorry you are feeling so down. All I can say is you are NOT worthless, you are here for a reason....sometimes we have to believe in something positive even if we don't want to or can't find a reason. I can relate as this has been the worst year of my life, and have felt just like you are feeling MANY times recently. I haven't met you in person....but I genuinely want you to be ok and to be happy in life. If I knew exactly what to say to make you feel better I would say it. Just know that there ARE people out there that care.

LadyLuck

May I be so bold as to point out something wonderful about you (only knowing you in as much as through your posts)?

You're a beautifully sensitive person who is in tune with your emotions and acknowledges them, confronts them and works actively to sort through them. That's in and of itself, a very important sort of intelligence to have, which means that you are quite smart, indeed.

I'm really sorry that you're feeling down, Sleepie. And I can certainly relate to feeling like you're not playing with a full deck of cards. It sounds like you suffer from bouts of depression like me.

Please don't look to other bad people who have hurt you in the past as a determination of your self worth. People who use and are mean behave that way because they themselves are suffering and don't have good relationships with themselves and hurt others to alieviate their pain. And please don't drink ~ it really does make depression worse long term and doesn't solve anything.

I think you mentioned your art in a previous post. You briefly changed your avatar to a wonderful painting of a woman that was jarring and breathtaking - was that your work?

Be well.

Bamboozle

You are kind, caring, creative, intelligent, and helpful.

I know it's hard, Sleepie, but finding value in ourselves can't come from other people.
We have to look from within. It's something I've been working on a while--learning to love myself. It doesn't lift the depression--I still have to deal with that--but caring for myself puts me in the best possible position to deal with the depression.

Take good care of yourself, hon.

least

You're not a bad person, you're troubled by the past and the present. Please, I know it's hard to learn a new habit, but please try to stop thinking so badly of yourself. I used to do the same thing, and it gave me a reason to drink - cause I was such a loser. But I'm NOT a loser, and neither are you. Get some sober time under your belt and see if you don't feel better.

Alcohol just makes the bad feelings worse in the long run. Don't give in to the temptation to drink - it won't help.

You're here, expressing your feelings instead of keeping them bottled up inside you - and that's a good thing.

BullDog777

You know i come from a horribly abusive family too. I'm sorry you went through that. However, it became painfully clear to me at the end of my drinking career that i had to change the way i reacted to the abuse i suffered as a child or i was doomed to live my life as a victim and i didn't want that.

you may feel worthless
you may feel stupid
you may feel like you have no rights
you may feel like you aren't good at anything

the fact is you are completely and utterly wrong. Everything i know about you supports the exact opposite of what you wrote.

your mind is sick from alcoholism. it dosen't get better quickly or there would be alot more sober people in the world.

it's sometimes a sad, lonely, messy, HARD road to getting better.

Still, those who chose to live on and not give into the past will not be doomed to repeat it.

Those of us who chose to do something different to get a better result will no doubt at times, flounder and have emotional setbacks but we will starve the addiction until we outlast the shame, the anger and the depression...and then we will take back our lives and learn to be whole again. That's a side effect of living sober. That's a truth to beating this disease.

The most powerful tool we have is eachother and that's how we heal. That's how we get back to living.

So....

here's your 5 things Sleepie...

1. you are a wonderfully articulate person. you define your words with great clarity and expression. anyone who reads your posts can see it. it makes me think you'd write a good novel.

2. you are a phenominal artist. i've told you that many times

3. you are a caring, friendly individual. you've always tried to help the newcomers here and those who are struggling.

4. you have a good sense of humor and i know this because of some of the sarcastic wit you use in some of your posts.

5. you are smart. it's one of the first things i noticed about you.

however...all that is clouded by a low self esteem. so your job has to be getting it back. your brain has been conditioned by alcohol and abuse to believe the opposite, but i know all of the things i believed about myself and you believe about yourself is complete bull$hit. it's a reaction to abuse and chemicals. those are not facts. Do not believe them, they aren't true...i know this because i walked out of that horrible cloud of depression myself.

so take these 5 things to your therapist and say that a friend gave these to you because i know them to be true.

much love,
bulldog.

justjo

Some days I feel like its on me and Im so sad

Sleepie, If I could I would give you a big :ghug3 right now, cos I need a hug too once in a while.

I remember when I was little, i tried so hard to get my parents to notice me. I did everything right, like being the best at school and sports. Doing things around the house hoping they'd notice me

Sleepie, I know there are reasons you feel the way you do and it hurts
I think when I feel this way sometimes, its because I want someone to see me, know who I am, listen to me, tell me I am a loved, beautiful girl. It never happened from my parents. I know they did love me but they didnt know how to show it. Basically it sucked

Sorry Im raving on about me, but I couldnt change them, I could change me, I forgive them, what was - was, you know. Not the best family upbringing, but I can at least say after it is all said and done, Im a good person.

And I bet you are too!! You are only human sleepie, keep posting your thoughts, there are so many fantastic people in here who can help you.

Oh, you can message me anytime hun. JJ

sleepie

Thank you all for the kind words. I feel so frail right now. It's hard to get out of bed and I feel the fear and sadness enveloping me. I have been having terrible nightmares involving my parents and I wake up in a fright, not knowing where I am and thinking I am in my bed in the house I lived in as a child. Problem is I felt this way before I ever picked up. And I know it's not the acceptable thing to say but some of the only times I have ever felt happy and free of shame and fear was when I was high and drunk. Now I know it's time to come back down to earth, and I feel stunted and lesser than. My meds were increased, I thought that would help. I feel like I can't properly express myself to my therapist, this awful feeling just encases me. Bamboozle thank you for what you said. Bulldog you are as usual very effective in imparting your experiences in such an insightful way. Thank you again. I am going to try to get through this day. Sorry if I don't hit the "thanks" button- it's there, I am just so tired and have little patience for anything lately.

rws177

Sleepie,

My heart is breaking for you reading what you have written, my ex-girlfriend would speak the same way as she was beaten and abused verbally by her step father growing up. She too thought that she was worthless and not good for anything. Sadly she ended her own life and at the memorial there were 50+ people there all in tears. She once told me that if she died no one would be at her funeral or even care. I think that her death still impacts people over a year later. At one point I drank so much that I woke up in the ER and was told I could have died the night before. I’m sure there would have been quite a few at my funeral crying and wondering why I felt so unhappy that drinking myself to death was the only answer. That would have been absolutely horrible for those around me.

I have felt worthless and full of low self esteem as well. Around 8 months sober I started to realize I am not as bad looking as I thought, not as fat, not as crazy, not a failure at life and realized that drinking brought on a lot of those feelings. Or that I never dealt with those feelings and drank to suppress them….

The world would NOT be better off without you. If you’re on here and seeing a therapist it sounds like you are working on getting better. Please hang in there and keep fighting. You have so much to live for even if you can’t see it right now.