I don't know if I belong here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Lost
Posts: 65
I don't know if I belong here.
I have... A long... Convoluted story.
Regardless...
I'm drinking... 2-3 bottles of wine at a time, 3-4 days a week.
I've noticed, that when I don't drink, or I deny myself, that I get irritable. I get "light headed". I feel... jittery.
All that leads me to believe that I'm drinking too much, and when I don't I'm going through withdrawals.
I don't "think" I'm an alcoholic, because I CAN stop. I hadn't had a drink in almost a week. (silly eh?)
But I'm drinking tonight. I've had a terrible week. I justified it. And I'm angry because I'd gone a week...
And so now I'm "down". I'm down on life, I'm down on myself. I'm doing the "what the hell does it matter anyways" thing.
And I can't stop crying.
And I'm angry. And sad.
Which... causes me to want to drink... so... I'm pathetic...
Here I am. In a way, crying out for help I guess. But none of you know me. You don't know my story. My life. Or why I think I need to numb my pain with booze.
So how can you judge?
But yet, I'm feeling I can talk more to anonymous people online, than I can to people in my real life. Which tells me I have something to say that I'm ... ashamed of. Or holding back.
So I Google "alcoholism forums" ... and I'm here.
So, yeah, I don't know. I don't know what to expect, or what to say. I guess I'll just chill and see what responses this gets. Perhaps I'll move forward from there. Or not. I'm a bit lonely. And a little lost.
That's all I have to offer right now.
But then again... who cares?
I'm not sure I do anymore. Sigh.
Regardless...
I'm drinking... 2-3 bottles of wine at a time, 3-4 days a week.
I've noticed, that when I don't drink, or I deny myself, that I get irritable. I get "light headed". I feel... jittery.
All that leads me to believe that I'm drinking too much, and when I don't I'm going through withdrawals.
I don't "think" I'm an alcoholic, because I CAN stop. I hadn't had a drink in almost a week. (silly eh?)
But I'm drinking tonight. I've had a terrible week. I justified it. And I'm angry because I'd gone a week...
And so now I'm "down". I'm down on life, I'm down on myself. I'm doing the "what the hell does it matter anyways" thing.
And I can't stop crying.
And I'm angry. And sad.
Which... causes me to want to drink... so... I'm pathetic...
Here I am. In a way, crying out for help I guess. But none of you know me. You don't know my story. My life. Or why I think I need to numb my pain with booze.
So how can you judge?
But yet, I'm feeling I can talk more to anonymous people online, than I can to people in my real life. Which tells me I have something to say that I'm ... ashamed of. Or holding back.
So I Google "alcoholism forums" ... and I'm here.
So, yeah, I don't know. I don't know what to expect, or what to say. I guess I'll just chill and see what responses this gets. Perhaps I'll move forward from there. Or not. I'm a bit lonely. And a little lost.
That's all I have to offer right now.
But then again... who cares?
I'm not sure I do anymore. Sigh.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,424
HiTenofNine
Sometimes I think it's better to focus on what you know you are - you're scared, you're lost, you're down, you're crying, you're angry, you're sad, you're calling yourself pathetic - and it's all connected to alcohol.
I think you're in the right place.
I'm not going to diagnose you - but I came here, like you, looking for something, some clue, some idea that might help me get out of the misery I was in.
We understand - and believe it or not - we care, too
I found a lot of help, encouragement and support here. I know you will too
Welcome
D
Sometimes I think it's better to focus on what you know you are - you're scared, you're lost, you're down, you're crying, you're angry, you're sad, you're calling yourself pathetic - and it's all connected to alcohol.
I think you're in the right place.
I'm not going to diagnose you - but I came here, like you, looking for something, some clue, some idea that might help me get out of the misery I was in.
We understand - and believe it or not - we care, too
I found a lot of help, encouragement and support here. I know you will too
Welcome
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
You wouldn't happen to be related to Seven Of Nine would you?
All kidding aside Ten, you have to come to the right place. You appear to be self medicating as many of us do. The best you can do for yourself is dust yourself off tomorrow and make a fresh try at sobriety. We are here for you... to assimilate you
All kidding aside Ten, you have to come to the right place. You appear to be self medicating as many of us do. The best you can do for yourself is dust yourself off tomorrow and make a fresh try at sobriety. We are here for you... to assimilate you
Last edited by CarolD; 11-13-2010 at 08:20 AM. Reason: Removed images
Dismember
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
Hey Ten0fNine,
Sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time.
The term "alcoholic" can be over-rated. There are a lot of degrees to any sort of drinking problem. I wouldn't be worried about judging or labeling, but just sticking to the facts of your using.
It's good that you were able to stop for a week, but I'm afraid that doesn't necessarily mean your drinking is okay. Most the alcoholics who are going to post here have had a week or more clean but the problem doesn't go away. The basis of a problem is an inability to control how much one drinks, and anxiety when drinking stops.
I don't know your life story, and it's alright, I don't need to. I've used alcohol to escape from a lot of things: broken relationships, severe mental illness, post-traumatic stress... alcohol was for me just a temporary numbness though. And the downside was over time using a depressant drug just kept taking my mood lower, I grew dependent, and the things that I wanted to drink away never went away on their own.
You sound as though you needed to vent tonight more than anything. I myself and I'm sure others are glad to listen. If there's anything we can continue to do to help you get a clearer picture of your alcohol use or how to stop (if that's what you decide to do) then stick around. You're quite welcomed here.
Take care,
-Isa
Sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time.
The term "alcoholic" can be over-rated. There are a lot of degrees to any sort of drinking problem. I wouldn't be worried about judging or labeling, but just sticking to the facts of your using.
It's good that you were able to stop for a week, but I'm afraid that doesn't necessarily mean your drinking is okay. Most the alcoholics who are going to post here have had a week or more clean but the problem doesn't go away. The basis of a problem is an inability to control how much one drinks, and anxiety when drinking stops.
I don't know your life story, and it's alright, I don't need to. I've used alcohol to escape from a lot of things: broken relationships, severe mental illness, post-traumatic stress... alcohol was for me just a temporary numbness though. And the downside was over time using a depressant drug just kept taking my mood lower, I grew dependent, and the things that I wanted to drink away never went away on their own.
You sound as though you needed to vent tonight more than anything. I myself and I'm sure others are glad to listen. If there's anything we can continue to do to help you get a clearer picture of your alcohol use or how to stop (if that's what you decide to do) then stick around. You're quite welcomed here.
Take care,
-Isa
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Lost
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by Dee74 
HiTenofNine
Sometimes I think it's better to focus on what you know you are - you're scared, you're lost, you're down, you're crying, you're angry, you're sad, you're calling yourself pathetic - and it's all connected to alcohol.
I think you're in the right place
I'm not going to diagnose you - but I came here, like you, looking for something, some clue, some idea that might help me get out of the misery I was in.
I found a lot of help, encouragement and support here. I know you will too
Welcome
D
Sometimes I think it's better to focus on what you know you are - you're scared, you're lost, you're down, you're crying, you're angry, you're sad, you're calling yourself pathetic - and it's all connected to alcohol.
I think you're in the right place
I'm not going to diagnose you - but I came here, like you, looking for something, some clue, some idea that might help me get out of the misery I was in.
I found a lot of help, encouragement and support here. I know you will too
Welcome
D
I fought for 2.5 years to get custody of my children. That was 6 years ago.
My kids are now 10 and 16. I've been... "a good father" ...
Their mom... is still having... issues...
And Seeing the pain she is STILL causing my girls... is killing me. It's been more or less non-stop for the last three years. The only breaks I get is when she's in rehab or in jail.
And yet, here I am... Finding myself... at the bottom of a bottle.
And still not feeling "drunk". I can play it off. I can do a 5th of Rasp Smirnoff and cranberry juice in one evening... and not really suffer for it.
My current wife, my kids step mother, doesn't drink. At all. She has epilepsy. But she grew up with an alcoholic father. So I find I'm hiding 70% of my drinking from her.
I thought.. I can quit. And I can. Until I have ex issues... or some other justifiable crap...
And then here I am. Not as drunk as I wish I was. I can't get "drunk" like that anymore. In order to do so, I have to drink so much that I black out and puke. Anything short of that... I can't really "feel".
But yet I'm drinking anyways.
FML? I have every reason to drink, and every reason not to. But when my heart hurts, it's the first place I go, and I hide it, and lie to people I love about it.
I know that means I have a problem.
Just a little ... advice?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
Tomorrow Ten, when you wake is the time to ask yourself if you want to continue to pile on the self infliction. From my own experience there isn't much sense in fighting the demon while it is actively in you.
Use your pain to make you stronger, use it to abstain so you can proclaim to yourself how strong you are when you face all these challenges without self medicating with Alcohol.
Use your pain to make you stronger, use it to abstain so you can proclaim to yourself how strong you are when you face all these challenges without self medicating with Alcohol.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,424
I spent 20 years where, when my heart hurt, booze was the first place I went to too, and I hid it, and I lied to people I loved about it just like you did.
Getting out of the situation seemed harder than just staying in it, plus I'd have to 'come clean' to people...so I did nothing about my problem - I ended up an all day everyday drinker.
Eventually I nearly died.
If you're not sure you have a problem, try not drinking for an extended period...2 or 3 months. If you're a drinker like I was, you'll find out way before that time is up.
And if you are a drinker like me...solutions...
most folks here run a recovery programme, be it AA, SMART or whatever.
You can find out about the main recovery players here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
Others use counselling...some, like me, just use SR.
But whatever you do, do something.
And if you find that something isn't enough to keep you sober, add to it.
Whatever way you choose - work it harder than anything you've ever done before.
You'll get out of it what you put into it, tenofnine
D
Getting out of the situation seemed harder than just staying in it, plus I'd have to 'come clean' to people...so I did nothing about my problem - I ended up an all day everyday drinker.
Eventually I nearly died.
If you're not sure you have a problem, try not drinking for an extended period...2 or 3 months. If you're a drinker like I was, you'll find out way before that time is up.
And if you are a drinker like me...solutions...
most folks here run a recovery programme, be it AA, SMART or whatever.
You can find out about the main recovery players here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
Others use counselling...some, like me, just use SR.
But whatever you do, do something.
And if you find that something isn't enough to keep you sober, add to it.
Whatever way you choose - work it harder than anything you've ever done before.
You'll get out of it what you put into it, tenofnine
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Lost
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by Sudz No More
Tomorrow Ten, when you wake is the time to ask yourself if you want to continue to pile on the self infliction. From my own experience there isn't much sense in fighting the demon while it is actively in you.
Use your pain to make you stronger, use it to abstain so you can proclaim to yourself how strong you are when you face all these challenges without self medicating with Alcohol.
Use your pain to make you stronger, use it to abstain so you can proclaim to yourself how strong you are when you face all these challenges without self medicating with Alcohol.
And the whole "reflection in the mirror"...
Hard time respecting that fella.
And this is all complicated, because I'm the guy EVERYONE seems to turn to when THEY are having personal issues. I'm the friend that everyone wants. I listen, I advise, I carry their burdens on my shoulders. I'm full of wisdom...
And I know what I'm telling myself. And I don't like it. At all. Which mankes me feel... "bad".
I have "triggers".
At this moment, I'm almost 3 bottles of wine into a good drunk. Or so I think. I don't feel drunk. I mostly.. just want to cry.
My wife is in bed. My kids are in bed. And I'm thinking about how much more I can have before it's "too much" because I have to get up at 7am.
****. I'm really... self loathing right now, and it sucks because the three people I've called are not answering.
And I don't want to tell my wife.
And I don't want...
To tell myself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
You'll be alright Buddy, tomorrow brings a new day. Focus on the positives. One of my favorites during the dark times was that I actually still got up and went back at it. Like I said, let tonight be what it's gonna be but come back and read this thread to remind yourself all the reasons that make you want to stop. You need to be without any Alcohol present in your system to rationalize it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Ten, I quit drinking and didn't really have anyone to talk to about it for a couple of months. I was amazed I did it, but I was sort of in suspended animation at the same time. I asked myself why it didn't seem like a big deal, wasn't I supposed to be pacing or shaking or fighting against the urge to go out and buy beer. And then that maze of thoughts turned into an interest in looking into it some more and I looked for info and found this site too.
I haven't got any idea how to quantify what I have learned since then. I've come back almost every day, because I thought I should stay connected with it. There's a saying about keeping what you have by giving it away, and that is probably part of my returning. I also don't go to AA, so this is my way of doing something constructive about my decision to get on with life without drinking.
What you could do is make a point of coming back in here tomorrow, or the next day when you'll be off work - and not drinking on that day, let's say. If you have the time to do it, I think you should roam through different sections as much as you can. See whether you recognize experiences and feelings in the words and go from there. If you're having a hard time quitting and want to (and it sounds like you are, based on your writing tonight), then you can offer yourself some time while not drinking to take in what other people have to say on the topic.
I haven't got any idea how to quantify what I have learned since then. I've come back almost every day, because I thought I should stay connected with it. There's a saying about keeping what you have by giving it away, and that is probably part of my returning. I also don't go to AA, so this is my way of doing something constructive about my decision to get on with life without drinking.
What you could do is make a point of coming back in here tomorrow, or the next day when you'll be off work - and not drinking on that day, let's say. If you have the time to do it, I think you should roam through different sections as much as you can. See whether you recognize experiences and feelings in the words and go from there. If you're having a hard time quitting and want to (and it sounds like you are, based on your writing tonight), then you can offer yourself some time while not drinking to take in what other people have to say on the topic.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Lost
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by Sudz No More
Use your pain to make you stronger, use it to abstain so you can proclaim to yourself how strong you are when you face all these challenges without self medicating with Alcohol.
And so... I drink.
Sadly, I almost... ALMOST... wish I did coke. My ex-wife seems to have "gotten away" with a lot of malfeasance under the illusion of "I'm an addict, feel sorry for me, allow me to justify my bad behavior". She has gotten away with so much under the excuse of "I'm an addict". The court has extended MUCH leniency her way, because she knows how to work it.
On the other hand, I have to deal with the pain she's caused our daughters. I have to wipe the tears from their faces. But, they don't see me drink... again, I hide it.
So... how can I take the high-road? Am I better? The same? Worse? I still work. I provide. I care. I do homework. I console. It's all on me, to clean up the mess.
Always.
So... I drink. And people... are starting to notice. I wasn't going to drink tonight. But... more crap.. More lies. More... GRRRRR! From the ex. So I got a bottle of wine.
No, I got three bottles.
I chugged one before my wife got home. Half of another. The perception is I've only had one (+a bit) tonight.
Of course, I had two Long Islands at the bar before I made it home.
And yet, everyone is tucked in, sleeping, and non-the-wiser.
And I hate myself for these lies.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Lost
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by Sudz No More
You'll be alright Buddy, tomorrow brings a new day.
It's just that... right now, I can't feel anything but the pain and hurt I'm carrying in my heart, and the anger that comes from once again disappointing myself because I fell into the "buying alcohol to numb the pain".
Here's what will happen tomorrow.
I'll get up at 7am. A bit headachey. Nothing terrible. I'll drive my 10yo, 26 miles to where her mother will pick her up. I'll then drive 26 miles back home... roughly around 8:30am. I'll then, feeling like crap, drink some more. "The hair of the dog that bit you!" ... so to speak.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Well ten....only you can determine if you're an alcoholic or not (the AA book provides the best definition / indications) I've ever seen but, from what I read, it's obvious you have a problem with alcohol. Welcome to the club...so did I.
Whether you belong here or not is really dependent upon whether you want to do something about it or not. I found recovery, reeeeal recovery, is about far more than "not drinking." It's about new tools to live life with, it's about dealing with anger, fear, hurt feelings, depression and so forth. It was and is about giving me a new way to view life (and no, I didn't used to think I needed a new way to look at life..... I needed all these "issues" in my life to clear up). Here's the coolest part.....you don't have to like it and you don't have to believe in it....you don't really have to believe anything. You won't have to avoid "triggers" and you won't have to live a boring life. You just have to DO some stuff (some of which will seem silly and some of which will seem needless) and, if you'll try it....I can almost guarantee the issues with your wife, your kids, your guilt and shame....ALL of that will clear up + you'll be happy and you'll never have to drink again.
I'm not grandstanding either....that's what's on the table if you want it.... but it doesn't come for free - you've gotta put in your end of the bargain - you've got to do a little work.
Whether you belong here or not is really dependent upon whether you want to do something about it or not. I found recovery, reeeeal recovery, is about far more than "not drinking." It's about new tools to live life with, it's about dealing with anger, fear, hurt feelings, depression and so forth. It was and is about giving me a new way to view life (and no, I didn't used to think I needed a new way to look at life..... I needed all these "issues" in my life to clear up). Here's the coolest part.....you don't have to like it and you don't have to believe in it....you don't really have to believe anything. You won't have to avoid "triggers" and you won't have to live a boring life. You just have to DO some stuff (some of which will seem silly and some of which will seem needless) and, if you'll try it....I can almost guarantee the issues with your wife, your kids, your guilt and shame....ALL of that will clear up + you'll be happy and you'll never have to drink again.
I'm not grandstanding either....that's what's on the table if you want it.... but it doesn't come for free - you've gotta put in your end of the bargain - you've got to do a little work.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Lost
Posts: 65
Thanks. I'm going to push through tonight. Can't say I'm not drinking. Can't say I didn't just have a cry session with my wife.
Can't say... I'm not an alcoholic.
Can't say what tomorrow will bring. Perhaps my "sober day" will be 11-13-10....
Who knows.
Just thanks for listening.
Can't say... I'm not an alcoholic.
Can't say what tomorrow will bring. Perhaps my "sober day" will be 11-13-10....
Who knows.
Just thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
You could always just go and check out an AA meeting and really listen...see if you can identify...thats the fastest way i know how to see whether you are an alcoholic or not...i went when i was consuming what you do and decided i wasnt as bad as them...when i got to that volume plus everyday i was abit more open to suggestions:-)
Good luck whatever you decide!
Good luck whatever you decide!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 651
Originally Posted by Ten0fnine
I have... A long... Convoluted story.
Regardless...
I'm drinking... 2-3 bottles of wine at a time, 3-4 days a week.
I've noticed, that when I don't drink, or I deny myself, that I get irritable. I get "light headed". I feel... jittery.
All that leads me to believe that I'm drinking too much, and when I don't I'm going through withdrawals.
I don't "think" I'm an alcoholic, because I CAN stop. I hadn't had a drink in almost a week. (silly eh?)
But I'm drinking tonight. I've had a terrible week. I justified it. And I'm angry because I'd gone a week...
And so now I'm "down". I'm down on life, I'm down on myself. I'm doing the "what the hell does it matter anyways" thing.
And I can't stop crying.
And I'm angry. And sad.
Which... causes me to want to drink... so... I'm pathetic...
Here I am. In a way, crying out for help I guess. But none of you know me. You don't know my story. My life. Or why I think I need to numb my pain with booze.
So how can you judge?
But yet, I'm feeling I can talk more to anonymous people online, than I can to people in my real life. Which tells me I have something to say that I'm ... ashamed of. Or holding back.
So I Google "alcoholism forums" ... and I'm here.
So, yeah, I don't know. I don't know what to expect, or what to say. I guess I'll just chill and see what responses this gets. Perhaps I'll move forward from there. Or not. I'm a bit lonely. And a little lost.
That's all I have to offer right now.
But then again... who cares?
I'm not sure I do anymore. Sigh.
Regardless...
I'm drinking... 2-3 bottles of wine at a time, 3-4 days a week.
I've noticed, that when I don't drink, or I deny myself, that I get irritable. I get "light headed". I feel... jittery.
All that leads me to believe that I'm drinking too much, and when I don't I'm going through withdrawals.
I don't "think" I'm an alcoholic, because I CAN stop. I hadn't had a drink in almost a week. (silly eh?)
But I'm drinking tonight. I've had a terrible week. I justified it. And I'm angry because I'd gone a week...
And so now I'm "down". I'm down on life, I'm down on myself. I'm doing the "what the hell does it matter anyways" thing.
And I can't stop crying.
And I'm angry. And sad.
Which... causes me to want to drink... so... I'm pathetic...
Here I am. In a way, crying out for help I guess. But none of you know me. You don't know my story. My life. Or why I think I need to numb my pain with booze.
So how can you judge?
But yet, I'm feeling I can talk more to anonymous people online, than I can to people in my real life. Which tells me I have something to say that I'm ... ashamed of. Or holding back.
So I Google "alcoholism forums" ... and I'm here.
So, yeah, I don't know. I don't know what to expect, or what to say. I guess I'll just chill and see what responses this gets. Perhaps I'll move forward from there. Or not. I'm a bit lonely. And a little lost.
That's all I have to offer right now.
But then again... who cares?
I'm not sure I do anymore. Sigh.
Disclaimer
The above opinion is NOT that of a professional addiction counciler only that of a recovering drunk!
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