this is a hard day for me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
this is a hard day for me.
I think most alcoholics might not know the exact moment when they said to themselves” all bets are off, and I’m going to end this s#it because I’m sick of suffering.”
I was 17. I remember making a choice that I never wanted to feel again so I numbed everything from that day on.
November 10, 1990 was the day I experienced the most profound loss of my life. I watched the first girl I ever loved die in front of my eyes. No kid should see something that horrific.
It was veterans day and I was procrastinating about going to school. It was rainy and cold and I was sore from playing football from the night before. I asked my old man if I could stay home that day and get some rest, but he told me to get up and go. I missed my ride and my dad ended up making me hike the 4 miles to school.
I walked into my journalism class to see a friend of mine crying pretty bad. I asked her why she was so upset and as tears fell from her eyes and she looked up at me I knew it was bad. She told me that my girlfriend had been gravely injured in car accident on the way to school and it didn’t look good.
I remember the shock I felt. It was like someone ripped my heart out of my chest.
I think the principal was on his way to get me from my class to tell me when I found out the way I did.
I remember ripping the top off the desk where I was sitting and walking out of the class where I started hitting this locker until I broke my hand and I couldn’t lift my arms anymore. People heard the commotion and just stared. Everyone knew how close I was to her. We were like the old married couple of the school.
I met her when I was just 5 years old and I don’t think we ever spent a day apart. I was crushed.
I left school and got a ride to the hospital where I stayed at her side until she died.
I remember walking into the intensive care unit at the hospital and hearing that awful respirator breathing for her. He eyes were half open but as soon as I saw her face I knew she wouldn’t last another day. There had been too much damage.
That image of seeing her as I walked into her room will stay with me until the day I die.
Looking back as an adult….. I don’t think anyone should have let me anywhere near her. I think they did it out of the profound bond we had, but I was just a kid…I shouldn’t have seen that at all. I took her hand and I sat next to her where I would stay for the next 11 hours until her body finally gave in from the injuries she sustained and she died.
The next few days were a blur. The wake, the funeral…it was all very fuzzy and distant as I felt like I was watching myself from outside my body. I felt so incredibly empty. I would stay that way for many more years to come.
She was my best friend. She was my first girlfriend, my first everything and now after spending almost my entire life with her, she was dead. I never gave a s#it about anything but her. My parents were alcoholics and her parents were always gone. We had basically raised each other. I think it made the abuse I suffered at the hands of my parents tolerable. I always knew no matter how bad it got at home….and sometimes it was pretty horrific, she was always just around the corner . She was my rock. That day, my rock broke and so did i.
I remember making a decision that I was pretty much done with this world. Suicide was not an option, but I was never going to feel anything ever again. After that, I was off to the races.
I drank for the next 20 years. I felt guilty because I was supposed to get a ride with her that day and I punished myself unmercifully for years over that fact. I wasn’t there and I should have been.
Most people don’t remember why they drank. I don’t think I ever lost sight of why I did. I just know when it was time to stop, I was too far gone and too much had happened. I had been in and out of AA trying to get a grasp on my illness to no avail.
In the end, I was drinking sometimes up to a half gallon of whiskey a night and taking a lot of benzos, painkillers and sleeping pills and I still felt like I hadn’t slept in 20 years..the nightmares were constant.
There a lot of stuff I’m leaving out like getting married to a woman I met in grief counseling. My wife has been amazing to me over the years and I love her with all my heart. I have a great 4 year old daughter that almost died before she had a chance to live but thanks to the miracle workers at children’s hospital, she will have a normal life.
I think after my daughter recovered from what most doctors consider a fatal pediatric illness, I owed God, and I knew deep down it was time to live again. I just didn’t know how.
I had gotten to the point where I had been killling myself fo so long that it looked like I was gonna succeed and now I needed to live for my daughter and wife.
I’m kind of stubborn and if I was gonna die, I wouldn’t live on my knees anymore to this illness.
I white-knuckled a month of seizures, stroke level blood pressure with hallucinations and just about every other withdrawal symptom you read about.
But in the end I got sober almost in spite of myself. I had a profound spiritual experience that changed my life and most of you have read about it. If not, check the signature.
So, this year I finally have some peace.
The solace I’ve found, the peace that I have come to know is knowing that I will never forget about her…but now I remember her and remember the good times. Not the end.
This way I never have to get over her. I don’t want to anymore. She nows lives in a part of me that remembers only the good that we had and that makes me happy. That’s the gift I’ve given to myself and the rage I have put to rest. That’s my miracle.
YouTube - If It Be Your Will Rest with God, Marie. I will always miss you. March 11, 1974-November 10, 1990
I was 17. I remember making a choice that I never wanted to feel again so I numbed everything from that day on.
November 10, 1990 was the day I experienced the most profound loss of my life. I watched the first girl I ever loved die in front of my eyes. No kid should see something that horrific.
It was veterans day and I was procrastinating about going to school. It was rainy and cold and I was sore from playing football from the night before. I asked my old man if I could stay home that day and get some rest, but he told me to get up and go. I missed my ride and my dad ended up making me hike the 4 miles to school.
I walked into my journalism class to see a friend of mine crying pretty bad. I asked her why she was so upset and as tears fell from her eyes and she looked up at me I knew it was bad. She told me that my girlfriend had been gravely injured in car accident on the way to school and it didn’t look good.
I remember the shock I felt. It was like someone ripped my heart out of my chest.
I think the principal was on his way to get me from my class to tell me when I found out the way I did.
I remember ripping the top off the desk where I was sitting and walking out of the class where I started hitting this locker until I broke my hand and I couldn’t lift my arms anymore. People heard the commotion and just stared. Everyone knew how close I was to her. We were like the old married couple of the school.
I met her when I was just 5 years old and I don’t think we ever spent a day apart. I was crushed.
I left school and got a ride to the hospital where I stayed at her side until she died.
I remember walking into the intensive care unit at the hospital and hearing that awful respirator breathing for her. He eyes were half open but as soon as I saw her face I knew she wouldn’t last another day. There had been too much damage.
That image of seeing her as I walked into her room will stay with me until the day I die.
Looking back as an adult….. I don’t think anyone should have let me anywhere near her. I think they did it out of the profound bond we had, but I was just a kid…I shouldn’t have seen that at all. I took her hand and I sat next to her where I would stay for the next 11 hours until her body finally gave in from the injuries she sustained and she died.
The next few days were a blur. The wake, the funeral…it was all very fuzzy and distant as I felt like I was watching myself from outside my body. I felt so incredibly empty. I would stay that way for many more years to come.
She was my best friend. She was my first girlfriend, my first everything and now after spending almost my entire life with her, she was dead. I never gave a s#it about anything but her. My parents were alcoholics and her parents were always gone. We had basically raised each other. I think it made the abuse I suffered at the hands of my parents tolerable. I always knew no matter how bad it got at home….and sometimes it was pretty horrific, she was always just around the corner . She was my rock. That day, my rock broke and so did i.
I remember making a decision that I was pretty much done with this world. Suicide was not an option, but I was never going to feel anything ever again. After that, I was off to the races.
I drank for the next 20 years. I felt guilty because I was supposed to get a ride with her that day and I punished myself unmercifully for years over that fact. I wasn’t there and I should have been.
Most people don’t remember why they drank. I don’t think I ever lost sight of why I did. I just know when it was time to stop, I was too far gone and too much had happened. I had been in and out of AA trying to get a grasp on my illness to no avail.
In the end, I was drinking sometimes up to a half gallon of whiskey a night and taking a lot of benzos, painkillers and sleeping pills and I still felt like I hadn’t slept in 20 years..the nightmares were constant.
There a lot of stuff I’m leaving out like getting married to a woman I met in grief counseling. My wife has been amazing to me over the years and I love her with all my heart. I have a great 4 year old daughter that almost died before she had a chance to live but thanks to the miracle workers at children’s hospital, she will have a normal life.
I think after my daughter recovered from what most doctors consider a fatal pediatric illness, I owed God, and I knew deep down it was time to live again. I just didn’t know how.
I had gotten to the point where I had been killling myself fo so long that it looked like I was gonna succeed and now I needed to live for my daughter and wife.
I’m kind of stubborn and if I was gonna die, I wouldn’t live on my knees anymore to this illness.
I white-knuckled a month of seizures, stroke level blood pressure with hallucinations and just about every other withdrawal symptom you read about.
But in the end I got sober almost in spite of myself. I had a profound spiritual experience that changed my life and most of you have read about it. If not, check the signature.
So, this year I finally have some peace.
The solace I’ve found, the peace that I have come to know is knowing that I will never forget about her…but now I remember her and remember the good times. Not the end.
This way I never have to get over her. I don’t want to anymore. She nows lives in a part of me that remembers only the good that we had and that makes me happy. That’s the gift I’ve given to myself and the rage I have put to rest. That’s my miracle.
YouTube - If It Be Your Will Rest with God, Marie. I will always miss you. March 11, 1974-November 10, 1990
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Great stuff there Dog... thanks for posting it.
It's good for me to be reminded that God's still out there working - helping those who ask.
I REALLY appreciate what you said.
It's good for me to be reminded that God's still out there working - helping those who ask.
I REALLY appreciate what you said.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,949
Thank you for sharing your story...very inspiring to me.
I was the same. I had to change regardless of my emotions or thoughts that went counter to the absolute need of being sober. Recovery is possible, even for the down and out drop dead hard cases like myself.
Originally Posted by BullDog
But in the end I got sober almost in spite of myself.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
That was incredibly moving, BullDog. I'm glad you're here today, sober, and I know Marie is proud of you for turning your life around.
It meant a lot that you wanted to share that with us. wow.....:ghug3
It meant a lot that you wanted to share that with us. wow.....:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Brussels (from Ireland)
Posts: 221
Gosh I have tears in my eyes after reading your profoundly moving post..and your story. I also just read your signature very lately and thought it was amazing..the Lord works in mysterious ways. Thank God he found me back in February when I hit my rock bottom - I've had a couple of deep spiritual experiences that have reawoken something inside which lay dormant for a very long time..
You are an absolute inspiration to everyone here and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this with us.
God bless and big hugs,
Almath
You are an absolute inspiration to everyone here and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this with us.
God bless and big hugs,
Almath
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: London, The UK
Posts: 104
I remember reading this last night, crying....
I know what it's like to lose somebody you love at a young age... When I was 14, in the space of an year I lost 2 of my best friends and my grandfather (who was something like my legal guardian)...All three of them died in car accidents. I couldn't understand why God would do this to me, that's when I became an Atheist (and eventually - an alcoholic).
Anyway.
The story of your spiritual awakening gave me shivers! It's inspirational even to an Atheist
I know what it's like to lose somebody you love at a young age... When I was 14, in the space of an year I lost 2 of my best friends and my grandfather (who was something like my legal guardian)...All three of them died in car accidents. I couldn't understand why God would do this to me, that's when I became an Atheist (and eventually - an alcoholic).
Anyway.
The story of your spiritual awakening gave me shivers! It's inspirational even to an Atheist
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
i've gotten some requests to share my spiritual experience in depth. i wrote it in another thread a few months ago. here it is:
i just wanted to say thank you to everyone for the strength you all provided for me yesterday. all of the kind words really made me feel incredibly grateful to have this place.
Originally Posted by BullDog777 
for me, it was what i believe was a case of divine intervention.
i was detoxing from prescription medication and booze at the same time. So when you abuse prescription drugs, the nasty part of them is the withdrawal. what alot of doctors don't tell you about is the withdrawal from these meds can last for months....it's called protracted withdrawal syndrome and it can be equally as dangerous as alcohol withdrawal.
So, i had been detoxing for 30 days and my body was giving out.
i had just had a day of multiple alcoholic seizures with stroke level blood pressure, and a dangerous pulse when i woke up in the morning for another day of pure hell.
When i woke up, i had a bible verse stuck in my head. i figured it was my mind coming to grips with what my body was doing.......dying.
this verse kept running and running through my head through seizure after seizure that day.
it was Psalm 23 ....
"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want;
he makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters;
he restores my soul.
He leads me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil.
for thou art with me;
thy rod and thy staff,
they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
thou anointest my head with oil,
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life;
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.
i was shaking violently as i pulled into my local grocery store to get some booze. i had enough of this. i was pounding on my dashboard with my fists begging for mercy when i asked for any sign at all that i should keep going on with this.
In that moment an old beat up car pulled directly in front of me.
the license plate read...Psalm 23
in that moment, a warm sense of calm overtook my body and i pulled my car into a parking spot and cried like i had never cried before. God had heard me-
that day was Decemder 23, 2009. that day for me is more special to me than my sobriety date. i slept that night for the first time in a month. my body stopped shaking my heart stopped pounding, my blood pressure was under control.
i was lucky enough to be given this gift at the lowest point in my life. it was a miracle to me and now i try to live gratitude in every aspect of my life.
that story in short has been my signature since the day i joined these boards.
i was detoxing from prescription medication and booze at the same time. So when you abuse prescription drugs, the nasty part of them is the withdrawal. what alot of doctors don't tell you about is the withdrawal from these meds can last for months....it's called protracted withdrawal syndrome and it can be equally as dangerous as alcohol withdrawal.
So, i had been detoxing for 30 days and my body was giving out.
i had just had a day of multiple alcoholic seizures with stroke level blood pressure, and a dangerous pulse when i woke up in the morning for another day of pure hell.
When i woke up, i had a bible verse stuck in my head. i figured it was my mind coming to grips with what my body was doing.......dying.
this verse kept running and running through my head through seizure after seizure that day.
it was Psalm 23 ....
"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want;
he makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters;
he restores my soul.
He leads me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil.
for thou art with me;
thy rod and thy staff,
they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
thou anointest my head with oil,
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life;
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.
i was shaking violently as i pulled into my local grocery store to get some booze. i had enough of this. i was pounding on my dashboard with my fists begging for mercy when i asked for any sign at all that i should keep going on with this.
In that moment an old beat up car pulled directly in front of me.
the license plate read...Psalm 23
in that moment, a warm sense of calm overtook my body and i pulled my car into a parking spot and cried like i had never cried before. God had heard me-
that day was Decemder 23, 2009. that day for me is more special to me than my sobriety date. i slept that night for the first time in a month. my body stopped shaking my heart stopped pounding, my blood pressure was under control.
i was lucky enough to be given this gift at the lowest point in my life. it was a miracle to me and now i try to live gratitude in every aspect of my life.
that story in short has been my signature since the day i joined these boards.
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