DayWalker

Hey everyone, I have a question I'd like some feedback on.

I'm 9months 2days sober right now (by the grace of god) and the past few months I have been doing it mainly on readings, this site, and limited AA meetings. I use to attend 4 or so AA meetings a week but a few months ago I somewhat changed my path of sobriety, yet I still attend 1-2 AA mettings a week don't get me wrong I still use AA as a means of keeping my sobriety centered, as well as my personal life. But I don't use AA as my "main" means anymore.

Anyway long story short...last week my best friend told me his nephew (23 yrs old) got his 2nd drunk driving in the past 3 yrs and he's really having problems staying sober. My buddy knows all about my past and where I am at now, so he asked me if I would take his nephew to a AA meeting with me. Obviously I said sure no problem. So at the meeting most people told him the two things he needs is a Big Book & a sponsor. So after the meeting a guy there gave him a BB free of charge, and on the way home he asked me...would I be his sponsor?

I told him...I think it's great he asked me, and I would always be there for him day or night if he needed to call/email/come over...but even though I have had as much as 5 yrs sober in the past, right now at 9 months, I didn't think I was a good choice for being a sponsor.

The last thing I want is to put this kid "off" or make him feel bad, but I think what I said was the "right" thing for both him and I....right? or no?

Steve

Isaiah

Yes, you did the right thing. One should only sponsor when one is completely willing. If you're unsure about yourself then you wont be able to give him what he needs. I think you also did well to let him know you'd be there to help him, it's not only sponsors who we use for guidance as support.

Thumbs up.

Dee74

I'm not in AA but I think you aced it Steve - you were honest, you weighed up the pros and cons for both him and you, you offered all the help you can give...but you recognised he may get even better help elsewhere right now.

A+ from me, man

D

Toronto68

I think I agree with what you said. When I picture the situation, I think: for you, it's not what you can do right now, and you can look at being a sponsor in general (not just him in particular) later. Plus, you probably want to spend more time letting your use of AA settle in. In other words, if it is not the main method now, maybe that will change and go up or down in the future. Either way, the sponsor option doesn't fit in right now for you. For him, maybe you are too "related" to him and he should have a sponsor-sponsee relationship that is apart from the connection he has through you and his uncle. He could benefit from your perspective or having someone to talk to, but do his program with someone else guiding it. You can guide in your own way - casual way, if that fits. You can be his uncle's friend and you can be helpful and leave it at that.

Do you agree with what you decided now that you are looking at it?

yeahgr8

Definitely you did the right thing:-)

anaconda22

Daywalker, you did the right thing. I also think 1 or 2 AA meetings a week is enough to maintain quality sobriety.

DayWalker

Honestly, I didn't doubt my decision at all. But I asked because the one thing I did feel somewhat "worried" about was I wanted to make sure I didn't give this kid a bad feeling of his first meeting more than anything. (like I was turning him down)

I felt I said the right thing...but you know how it is, you never know until you run it up the flag pole and see how people more exp'ed than me feel on it ya know.

Sounds like so far people agree with me so I'm pretty sure I made the right choice. I will call him if I don't hear from him though and see if he want's to go with me next Thursday again. Hopefully he will.

Steve

TheEnd

I wouldn't feel right sponsoring someone in my family even if I were ready, just because I wouldn't want to know all the bad stuff they did and vice versa. Besides it adds a stronger level of support, because now he has his uncle who he can also talk to besides his sponsor.

DayTrader

lol.....gotta be one dissenter in the bunch, right?

I don't know if you did the right thing.........and I believe nobody who agrees with what you did or disagrees with what you did knows either.

You're powerless and can't manage your life.....I'm powerless and can't manage my life....but i can manage your life and/or sit in judgment of you???? I don't think that's responsible of me.

Stuff like that Day, the ONLY way I get any clarity is when I take it to prayer and meditation. I've done plenty of stuff that I was convinced was right, my sponsor told me was right and everyone in AA told me was right........but it turned out to be wrong - WAYYYY wrong.

Just playing with this one but indulge me for a bit: Maybe your "new plan" is destined for failure. Maybe your meeting count SHOULD have gone down but your "service to others" needs to go up. Maybe that kid was your golden ticket to go from being more of a taker to being more of a giver. Maybe by helping that kid, you would have found out some things about yourself you won't be able to see on your own....

You catch my drift, I'm sure....

I didn't do this at first (even though I was TOLD to do it) but I learned the hard way.... now, when ppl have asked me to sponsor them, I always tell "lets talk about it.....what time tomorrow works for you?" That gives me at somewhere around 24 hours to get my butt into prayer and meditation so I can hear THE answer.

Spirit08

however, since you are questioning your judgment, you may wish to ask yourself if you're willing to do it on a temporary basis.

Certainly you can help him get acclimated and give him time to feel comfortable asking someone else when he's ready.

Just a thought to consider ... you might come to believe that it's the next right thing. We take action, followed by more action. Really, you would be helping yourself .

Best,

DayWalker

Daytrader- I appreciate the reply, but I gotta say...What do you mean?

I think I see what your saying, but how am I being a "taker" and not giving this guy what he needs by telling him I will be there for him day or night?....but just don't think I should be a "sponsor" yet?

At this point in my sobriety...I am no longer "powerless" and feel I can/am managing my life, that's what my program has done for me.

I'm very happy right now with my Sobriety, my religion, and my place in life, and my "program" is working which includes "some" AA meetings per week is working great for me. So...not to come across as a jerk because I don't mean to come across like that if I do...but I guess I'm missing your point maybe?

Steve

DayWalker

Yep I'm 100% willing to be there for him, which I told him I would. I honestly have ZERO problem with doing 100% what a "sponsor" will do for him, I'll do it no prob. But I just don't think at 9 months I should be his real "sponsor" just yet. Maybe it's just me, but I always felt a "Sponsor" should be someone that has "years" rather than months.

But I made it clear to him, that he can call me 3am...5am...anytime he needs and I'll answer and help him.

Steve

stugotz

A problem shared is a problem cut in half. Thats how this works. Great job!

DayTrader

I was just trying to say that at whatever level your current selfishness and self-centeredness IS at, maybe working with him would be good because, by definition, working with others IS a good way to get out of self. I wasn't implying that you're JUST a taker.

I guess maybe I'd suggest you look at the levels of things you're "getting" vs the levels at which you're "giving back" and see where they are. Maybe you're giving (to others, to the program, etc) more than you're getting.....good. Maybe you're not....so that's something to take a look at.

Also, I learned not to trust my best judgment. period. If what I thought worked, drunk OR sober, I never would have ended up in AA, I never would have had DUI's, I never would have been dishonest, I never would have done any of the "bad" stuff I did that I had to go back and make amends for......but I made judgments that, at that time, told me that doing X or Y was "justified" so I did it. So it seems that my judgment isn't to be trusted 100%.

Lastly, when someone asks me for help.......especially in AA.....and I say no, I REALLY need to look at why I said no. Is it because I'm scared - because I'm back in the role of playing God and not trusting God (which I catch myself doing a lot)? Is it because I'm being selfish? Is it because I'm being lazy? Is it because..... ya see......I just need to take a look at a lot of stuff. When I do that, somewhere reeeeal close to 100% of the time the "right" answer that I come up with isn't the one I first thought at the moment of truth.

Plus, I've read enough threads here started by ppl who are reeeeally trying to get sober......really wanna get this deal.......scared to death they're gonna relapse.........so they FIIIINALLY muster up the courage to go to a meeting.....they're FREAKING out about it......they're told to get a sponsor so they ask someone........and that guy/gal says "no." I see how that post shows up here. I feel how hurt and discouraged they are. Anytime I'm the cause of that, when I'm the one who said "no" to them, I reeeeeally need to take a look at it.

DayTrader

well that's good stuff right there...

meditation

If I don't feel 100% committed to a project I won't take on something. I have been on the other side of less than 100%. My first sponsor liked to collect every lost soul that stepped into AA. She had no time to talk to anybody more than half a minute once they became her sponsee. It does the sponsee a tremendous disservice and If I wasn't hell bent on finding recovery possibly would have turned me off the entire AA program.
I think you did an excellent job of taking the time to be of service to your family member. You showed care just going to a first meeting with him and being there for him while he finds his path. YOu don't have to be his sponsor to guide him. You were there in the ways it counts.

Spirit08

Had sponsees right from the beginning; I was told that if you have 1 day more; then you can do it; also, if I stay one step ahead. If you've done a thorough 1,2,3 you can get him started...suggestions

Also, my 1st sponsor turned out to be a controlling not so sober person; chose my 2nd sponsor because she reached out; 1 and 2 because my sister and she were friends; both of my sisters actually; have a new one now because I was ready to move on; and I have known her since I was 18.

See, it's about who you feel comfortable with as a newcomer.

Today I am celebrating 2 years of continuous sobriety. Without my sponsors directing and redirecting my thinking and without steps 10 in my life, I wouldn't be where I am today. It's nice to have someone who knows the history and your background and where he or she came from. Just makes it easier for them.

Obviously, he respects your sobriety.

In any event, there are a lot of MUSTS in the BB. Find em and then make a decision and most importantly LIVE BY IT.

If you are posting to seek approval, obviously me and Day Trader aren't giving you WHAT YOU WANT.

We don't always like to hear what we don't want to hear or that are CONTRARY to what we WANT to hear; and then realize, those persons MIGHT BE RIGHT and DO IT and LIVE BY IT. That's how we learn and grow.

We MUST stay teachable...WITHOUT HELP, it is too much for us.

meditation

I look for a sponsor that lives her recovery. I love to see people being happy, and my sponsor is loving, tolerant and compassionate. I don't rush to find one my first meeting, I look for someone that had what I wanted. I saw many people that were intolerant and that was a huge turn off and people that constantly were puffed up in pride about their "time". I don't even think the BB states a person has to have a sponsor, I always thought it was another alcoholic willing to help another alcoholic. I think Daywalker certainly has shown true love and an example of what living recovery looks like.

johndelko408

Hey daywalker,
I agree with your decision because I only have 10 months and I don't feel I'm even close to being ready to sponsor someone. To be a part of his support group was a good choice cause at least he knows that you are indeed in his corner. But I can understand what DayTrader said about going to your first meeting only to feel rejected. Half of us drank in order to cover up feelings of inadequacy. What I would recommend to do, if you already haven't, is explain to him your reasons for not sponsoring him and possibly give him some good recommendations on who you think may be a good candidate for his sponsorship. When I first got to AA I had enough and was at my wits end, I mean I had tears in my eyes when I walked in and felt there was no hope for me. A man approached me and introduced himself to me and we sat down and spoke for a while. I poured my heart out to this man and he offered to be my sponsor and I said yes. I appreciate very much what he did because had he not welcomed me in that way chances are I wouldn't have returned. He helped me all the way up to my 4th step and when I asked if he could help me with the 5th he simply replied, "we'll do it tomorrow". Well tomorrow came and he said the same thing. It may be selfish, but hey this is a selfish program, I looked at it as this guy doesn't have the time for me or he doesn't care. Well I asked my mother-in-law, who happens to be in recovery, what her opinion was on the matter. Should I give him another chance or find someone else? She told me that I had to do what I thought I needed to do in order to stay sober. So I asked her to recommend some candidates for sponsorship for me. She actually recommended the sponsor I have today. I have to honestly say that it was probably one of the best decisions I've ever made in recovery. I'm not trying to put down my first sponsor or anything all I'm saying is that, maybe sometimes God only puts people in our lives for a short period of time because they only have a temporary job to do. My first sponsor welcomed me and got me to come back, he helped me work the first 4 steps and I still see him at meetings and i still talk to him. I feel that God put him in my life only to complete a short job. Maybe thats what God has done with you for your nephew. Perhaps being a member of his support group is your job for him. Maybe you can be a sponsor "temporarily" until he can find someone. Cause honestly we need much more than just a sponsor, we need a whole support group. My sponsor is up there in age so I can only call him so late in the day. That's where my support group comes into place. If my sponsor doesn't answer his phone I always have someone else I can call. I think its awesome that you are helping your nephew out with his alcoholism. Just being there for him is God sent blessing in itself. He is very fortunate to have someone he already knows and trusts to help him along through his journey. Again I just have to say that is totally awesome that you are doing what you're doing, a true testament of strength and hope that can be found within the rooms. God bless you and Thumbs up for you.