newb1967

I'm hating myself today and feeling like the worst mother on the planet. I'm new here. I went to rehab 2 years ago, I've had a few relapses since then. But I drank a few beers Saturday night (convinced myself I cold handle that) and of course that triggered a binge. Snuck out and bought some vodka the next day, and managed to not drink to much, my husband didn't even notice. Woke up Monday morning wanting more and bought the big bottle and killed that. THAT he noticed and was thoroughly pissed off at me. Promised I wouldn't drink yesterday - but I went out to go vote I bought another bottle and killed that while he was out shopping. I was passed out when he got home. My kids saw me passed out and my oldest daughter (13) found the empty bottle where I had hidden it. I want to die. I've been doing soo well lately, I've lost 85 pounds and work out for an hour everyday. I was just starting to love myself again. How do I face my kids when they come home today? Should I talk to them about it or ignore it and just get back on track. I feel liked I've f*d them up for life. I'm a binge drinker, even before rehab I would go months without drinking and then fall. I feel like my kids would be better off without me. I know it will get better though, it has before. What the hell is wrong with my brain? I just needed to reach out to someone today, as my husband is hating me and even took my car keys away, which was probably a wise decision, I feel like ****, shaking and can't eat anything. I took a valium and hope that helps me stop shaking. I need some kind words please, I feel like the world's biggest *******.

whenartdeparts

The very fact that you are sorry for what you did means you are not an *******.
No way your kids would be better off without you. Neither would your husband...
In times of relapse, it is really important that no matter what you've done, you stick to your family.
They probably understand that sometimes it is not your choice when it comes to binging.
Well, obviously they can never completely understand since they've never been through it (and hopefully never will have to go through it), so you can't expect too much sympathy. But just enough to make you stand back on your feet again.
For future reference, just remember this moment and the disappointment in yourself you experienced...and every time you want to drink, every time somebody tempts you to drink, just replay this moment in your head. Several times if you have to. Replay it till the craving for self-destruction stops.

ANGELINA243

Have you ever been to an AA meeting or do you have a support system? You mentioned rehab in the past, but what were you doing in the meantime to stay in recovery. Were you going to meetings or therapy etc? What I found for myself was that I needed other people (mainly other sober alcoholics) to help hold me accountable for my actions. My family didn't understand me. They aren't alcoholic. I needed to find other people that understood the feelings of what I was going through and who also had recovered from the obsession to drink. SR has helped me alot too. This place has many great people that can offer support. You are not alone. Glad you are here. We do recover.

jamdls

Hi Newb, welcome to SR. Do you or have you had any kind of plan to try and avoid these relapses? If not you need a plan, whether AA or some other ongoing program to help you not relapse. I have not participated in any type of formal program but with guidance from my religous beliefs (reading the bible) and from the 12 steps and other written word I developed a "program" that works for me and will hopefully continue to 'work' that program for the rest of my life. Just because we stop drinking doesn't make us recovered.

Ninsuna

"I feel liked I've f*d them up for life. "

I don't have kids. I'm am in AA and I get to see people earn thier kids' trust and love back. I am forever amazed to watch kids go from scared, quiet, and too grown up to being happy, secure kids. Even teenagers.

What can you tell your kids when they get home? How about telling them you're taking real steps toward staying sober? Back to rehab, outpatient treatment, meetings, anything other than ignoring it and believing it will get better. There's no shame in going back to rehab, I know people with quality sobriety that had to go more than once. Sometimes we need repetition to "get it".

If you are an alcoholic like me you can't do it alone. Moreover, why would you want to? There are people out there waiting to help you love yourself.

Jomey

Welcome. I'm a mom too, so I feel your pain as far as the unfortunate behaviour in front of the kids. When I have to talk to my kids about painful situations, I find it best to be truthful on a level they can understand. ( And like everyone else, I think kids are most impressed with actions instead of words. ie - If you are working a program, tell them you are going to a meeting and then get up and go!)

Also, make sure you LISTEN. Even the youngest children can tell you what they need from you to feel safe and loved. Do your best to reassure them that their voices are heard and you are going to do whatever it takes to give them what they need.

Good luck! Stick around SR. You are not alone.

Jomey

Kjell

The same me will drink again. Maybe this is true with you too?

I needed a design for living and coming to that conclusion took a lot of pain and failure on my part. AA provided that design and I've been sober for more than 11 months. I believe I've found a solution to my alcoholism.

The good news is you never have to drink again, but the responsability lies on your shoulders, but you don't have to do it alone.

Sooo...whatcha gonna do about it?

RobbyRobot

Since you've been to rehab, you understand alot of what is going on already. You know the relapsing is happening because your sober program is somehow failing you. Alcoholism is an illness, its not about you being something bad, and you know that, it's just really difficult to feel something else right now. Still though, you got to be strong and wake up a bit to what is really going on here for you.

So, sure you can beat yourself up some more with all the hatred directed at yourself and your loved ones -- or -- you can get some basic honesty going about your relapsing and binging. You know you gotta put that bottle down again and tough out a detox and from there get back into a sober program [I'm not meaning live-in rehab here] that you can live with. Don't know your details, but whatever you were doing, something was not working out, we all know that with out having to know all the details.

So posting on here is absolutely a terrific step forward. Keep at it! Sorry for your troubles. You can get sober again!

Rob

whenartdeparts

Sorry I'm interrupting but Kjell... what if a person doesn't want to change themselves, not cardinally at least, not the very core of themselves, but just wants to kick the habit? I am not speaking about newb1967 here. As self-centered as it is, I am speaking about myself, but I hope there is at least one person who can relate to it...
I personally don't want to lose myself. Neither to drinking, nor to sobriety for that matter. I don't want to be redesigned to the point of no return. Maybe I'm too young and foolish, maybe I haven't fallen as many times as other people have...Maybe I'm too goddamn self-righteous. But I do love myself, sober. I still love myself, sober. And I doubt I would love myself when I'm not just sober but molded into an AA, when I'm nothing but doll parts with a prayer attached to each one and a map with directions towards what somebody else called "better living". I think everybody has the right to choose their own path in life, as long as they promise to walk it sober.

newb1967

But I do love myself, sober. I still love myself, sober. And I doubt I would love myself when I'm not just sober but molded into an AA, when I'm nothing but doll parts with a prayer attached to each one and a map with directions towards what somebody else called "better living". I think everybody has the right to choose their own path in life, as long as they promise to walk it sober.[/QUOTE]>

I can relate to this, I did AA meetings everyday when I was in rehab and again for awhile after I was back at home. It is NOT for me, I'm not religious and the meetings I went to were quite religious. Also, I left all of those meetings feeling completely depressed, all the horror stories just made me feel worse. That's why I sought out this site.
I DID talk to my oldest daughter when she got home from school and it went very well - although akward at first. I told her I had 'relapsed' and explained to her that alcoholism is a disease. She said 'oh I know all of that from school mom'. She also told me that she gets angry with me when she sees me like that (which has been 3 times in the last 2 years) but that she always loves me (which made feel great). She also told me that her best friend's mom is a 'real alcoholic' and drinks all the time. She said she was proud of me for getting treatment and 'you'll start exercising again tomorrow mom'. I feel really good getting it out in the open with her, not knowing what she was thinking was killing me. (my youngest is 9 but has special needs and isn't aware of the problem). Thanks to all of you for your words of advice/encouragement.

Brucel

I hate to sound corny, but this could be the first day of the rest of your sober life. It took me many attempts to "get it" and realize I just can't drink. I too go to AA and the people there have helped me remember that. See, I forget easy. What Ninsuna said was right on. If you don't address this with your children, then, they are left to assume. Be honest, if you want to change, and good luck. You too can have this.

MaryAnn100

Hi Newb67,

I am a mom to an 18 year old and a three and a half year old. My moment of clarity, as some call it, came when I vomited in front of my youngest after taking a swig out of my litre bottle of whiskey. His dad and my other son where there. I hated what drink had done to me, what I had allowed it do to me. The fact that this bothers you so much shows you are a good mom, just you have a disease that is treatable. A friend of mine said "kids are stronger than we think, true if it were a constant childhood experience it would **** them up, but what we can show them is that it is never to late to make changes and that is a wonderful life lesson for them: ideally, recovering from alcoholism is not the way to teach them this". Kids can heal with love, an example of how to live a good life, and support from al-a-teen for example.

@whenartdeparts: Hey you, I love your gutsy attitude btw. If you and also Newb67 thinks that you will lose yourself in AA, just listen to some speakers on XA-Speakers - The lights are on! You don't have to but my, there are some wonderful, brilliant, ORIGINAL people on that site who really make me laugh sometimes and also in real life at the AA meetings I have gone to. From what I have seen, you don't lose yourself in AA, you find yourself!!! If you listen Art, you might get truly inspired . I doubt I could inspire you Art, not my intention, just giving you advice, you are free to ignore it. I also thank jaysus I found this website too!!

Annette

Kjell

No problem! I would say that it's really up to the individual. I know for me, my experience, that I had to really take a long hard look at myself and realize it, me, just wasn't working. I was in my own way, it sucked, but it was true. I had to change or else I would die from this disease. So, for me, it was change, or die. Simple as that.

Maybe this isn't true for you or for anyone else, but for me, it was a must and a step I had to take to find my true self, the person I was supposed to be before I discolored my mind, my body, and my soul with alcohol and drugs.

I'm starting to love the new me and it's a wonderful feeling.

Also, I noticed the title of this thread is - "I hate myself". Sort of says it all and I know the feeling.

Zencat

Hi newb1967 and welcome to the SoberRecovery Forums

I too have relapsed after putting some quality sober time together. I remember all to well the self-loathing and disappointment with myself because I relapsed. Although its good to be regretful, its not helpful to be so hard on yourself that you get to the point of wanting to numb those feelings with alcohol. I found it best to recommit to sobriety with renewed vigor.

Ive been to rehab and one thing that I did then is put together a recovery tool box. I still use recovery tools to keep me on a healthy path. If your interested SMART has a great set of Recovery Tools.

There a lot of helpful people here at SR, they have become a big part of my recovery program. Anywho, I suggest that you keep reading, posting and allow SR to be a part of your recovery program.

SSIL75

It's been helpful to me to realize that I give myself permission to drink (or, used to). I saw it here I think. About how a 'slip' starts well before the bottle is opened.

In the back of my mind I knew I had quit before... so I was giving myself permission to drink with the understanding that I'd quit again. I 'deserved' it. It's not that big a deal. Tomorrow's another day. My husband will never know. My children are too young to remember.

Childish and selfish, once I started drinking I was no longer in control. But up until I poured that first glass, I was in cohoots with my 'alcoholic voice' (Rational Recovery).

So what's going to stop you the next time you plan a 'slip'? I think one of the reasons AA works is b/c you have someone to be accountable to. (I am not in AA). But if you're 100% committed to sobriety then I do think you need some kind of emergency button to push.

I think this is always why they say you won't be successful in your sobriety until you personally in your heart want to quit. Because you have to be vigilent in reporting yourself when temptation strikes. One of my tests for myself this go around has been 'If I could stop time and get *********, would I?". The answer, finally is no. But man, it was a long time coming.

So I guess I would ask yourself what's next for you. Your daughter has forgiven you (something so sad about her comment about 'real' alcoholics ). What now?

CarolD

Wiishing you and your family all the joy sobriety brings
newb1967.......Welcome...

Dee74

Hi Newb

I dont have kids but I certainly let down the people who loved me and counted on me - more times than I could count. I hated myself too - the drunken wretch I'd become.

Stopping my drinking - and getting help and support to stay that way - helped me to change my life...I found the real me again and I even more surprising, I quite like myself.

You can do it too but it needs action - if AA's not for you then it's up to you to find something that does - some other recovery group like SMART perhaps, or counselling, maybe even just seeing your Doctor would be a good first step?

But...do something, because you deserve a better life than the one you're giving yourself now.

D

savexourxship

I think recovered addicts are re born, into better and more wise people. I think recovered addicts have a responsibility to help those that were once in their shoes.

savexourxship

Heck, the amount of change required to transform into recovery, from suffering, I think that qualifies us as new people.

TheEnd

I know that feeling of shame, embarassment, how could I do this again, I promised myself things would be different this time, I didn't mean too........Well are you done beating yourself up now, because I find that we are often harder on ourselves than anyone else is??

You made a mistake, yes you messed up, but I doubt you f**** up your kids for life, based on what you told us unless there is something you left out.

Since we can't undo the things we have done, now is time for you to decide what you can do to make things right. You said you had a few relapses since you left Rehab, why???? What could you have done differently or more of, you need to figure that out or you find yourself in this same situation again and again.

And the next time you feel like drinking a bottle of vodka, think about how you feel right now, because I don't think you want to be back in this position again..