I hate myself :(
Dismember
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
Hey Newb1967,
I don't know how anyone could not be taking it hard on themselves after that, but there's not enough self-hate in the world that can fix an addiction. It's painful to see what we do to loved ones when we struggle with addiction, but they don't want us punished, they want us healed. Only by staying active in some form of recovery will any of us get better.
Easy for us to say because we don't hate you, and I'm sure your family does not hate you. So we're all hoping you can come around to our side of the fence and put your emotions toward taking whatever steps you need to get the right help.
:ghug3
I don't know how anyone could not be taking it hard on themselves after that, but there's not enough self-hate in the world that can fix an addiction. It's painful to see what we do to loved ones when we struggle with addiction, but they don't want us punished, they want us healed. Only by staying active in some form of recovery will any of us get better.
Easy for us to say because we don't hate you, and I'm sure your family does not hate you. So we're all hoping you can come around to our side of the fence and put your emotions toward taking whatever steps you need to get the right help.
:ghug3
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi newb (and welcome) - I think you handled the situation beautifully with your kids. I've always told my children that if they ever have a problem with drinking (or drugs) that they can come to me. They know what I've been through.
My relapses always came when I thought I could handle just having a couple drinks. Even if I was successful, it really eroded my conviction to stay sober the next time an occasion came up. I know now that it's not the one or two drinks - it's what they lead to. Sounds like you realize the same thing. If you stick around this forum, you won't forget it either!!:ghug3
My relapses always came when I thought I could handle just having a couple drinks. Even if I was successful, it really eroded my conviction to stay sober the next time an occasion came up. I know now that it's not the one or two drinks - it's what they lead to. Sounds like you realize the same thing. If you stick around this forum, you won't forget it either!!:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 166
Originally Posted by newb1967 
I'm hating myself today and feeling like the worst mother on the planet. I'm new here. I went to rehab 2 years ago, I've had a few relapses since then. But I drank a few beers Saturday night (convinced myself I cold handle that) and of course that triggered a binge. Snuck out and bought some vodka the next day, and managed to not drink to much, my husband didn't even notice. Woke up Monday morning wanting more and bought the big bottle and killed that. THAT he noticed and was thoroughly pissed off at me. Promised I wouldn't drink yesterday - but I went out to go vote I bought another bottle and killed that while he was out shopping. I was passed out when he got home. My kids saw me passed out and my oldest daughter (13) found the empty bottle where I had hidden it. I want to die. I've been doing soo well lately, I've lost 85 pounds and work out for an hour everyday. I was just starting to love myself again. How do I face my kids when they come home today? Should I talk to them about it or ignore it and just get back on track. I feel liked I've f*d them up for life. I'm a binge drinker, even before rehab I would go months without drinking and then fall. I feel like my kids would be better off without me. I know it will get better though, it has before. What the hell is wrong with my brain? I just needed to reach out to someone today, as my husband is hating me and even took my car keys away, which was probably a wise decision, I feel like ****, shaking and can't eat anything. I took a valium and hope that helps me stop shaking. I need some kind words please, I feel like the world's biggest *******.
Anyway, thanks for sharing and if we don't work to get better then we never will get better. Thankful for another day. :-)
AAudrey
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Stamford, CT
Posts: 209
Sounds like the unconcious mental craving got a hold of you and then the physical phenomenom of craving kicked in...that's all.
Understandable. That's why I go to 2 meetings a day. Keeps me sober.
When we say keep coming back, we mean it!
Hope you're having a good day today!
Blessings,
Understandable. That's why I go to 2 meetings a day. Keeps me sober.
When we say keep coming back, we mean it!
Hope you're having a good day today!
Blessings,
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: WI
Posts: 228
Thank you for your honesty! I know whats that like to be utterly hopeless, confused as to why I couldn't seem to leave the drink alone. Why I would swear it off forever, and truly mean it-I had no intention of ever drinking again, only to find myself dumbfounded as to why I was drinking again. After all, I had told myself and everyone around me that I was done.
What I had failed to realize, failed to concede, was that I was totally defeated, I would never regain the control I once had, the control I saw others flaunting about. I simply was bodily and mentally different than them-I had a mind that couldn't leave alcohol alone and a body that couldn't take it.
I tried quitting a number of different ways before I was desperate enough to pick up the spiritual tool kit laid at my feet by the fellowship I found in AA. That desperation was key though, this was my last stop. But, I found that once I did what others suggested, go to meetings, and working the steps that are designed to lead me to a god that would (and did) remove this alcohol problem from me that my life got better.
My family stopped being embarrassed of me, people stopped finding things missing, I was able to hold down a job, I was able to be alone with myself. Most importantly though, I found that obsession to drink was lifted.
Its a scary place to be in the grips of untreated alcoholism, but this spiritual program of living works as long as I am willing to take the solution offered to me.
I wish you the best :-)
What I had failed to realize, failed to concede, was that I was totally defeated, I would never regain the control I once had, the control I saw others flaunting about. I simply was bodily and mentally different than them-I had a mind that couldn't leave alcohol alone and a body that couldn't take it.
I tried quitting a number of different ways before I was desperate enough to pick up the spiritual tool kit laid at my feet by the fellowship I found in AA. That desperation was key though, this was my last stop. But, I found that once I did what others suggested, go to meetings, and working the steps that are designed to lead me to a god that would (and did) remove this alcohol problem from me that my life got better.
My family stopped being embarrassed of me, people stopped finding things missing, I was able to hold down a job, I was able to be alone with myself. Most importantly though, I found that obsession to drink was lifted.
Its a scary place to be in the grips of untreated alcoholism, but this spiritual program of living works as long as I am willing to take the solution offered to me.
I wish you the best :-)
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: WI
Posts: 228
For sure! I spent years trying to prove to myself that I wasn't that guy on pg.21, that I was going through a phase, that I wasn't sick enough to have to do what I saw others doing-those that were happy, joyous and free-that I could somehow wish it away or will it away. I've found that the only time I am truly willing to follow the solution offered to me is when I am desperate enough, when the pain of living the way I am outweighs my fear of of following these suggestions.
Thats why I so appreciate honest shares like that, it keeps me desperate for this thing.
Thats why I so appreciate honest shares like that, it keeps me desperate for this thing.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
First off, stop hating yourself (I know that's hard to do) cause all that does is set you up for more drinking since you don't feel good about yourself anyway and alcohol will numb you for a while...
My kids were teens when I started drinking one glass of wine before they got home from school "just to relax"... Before too many months had passed I was drinking all day, every day. I've been trying for three years to stay sober and just now am coming up on a year.
I tried and failed so many times I thought I was hopeless, doomed to a miserable existance.
But with the help of my terrific addiction counselor and the caring people here I kept trying again and again. And I finally 'got it' and have been sober since.
If AA's not for you, why not try counseling with an addiction counselor? Mine helps me every week, and even tho I'm nearly a year sober I won't stop going as she helps me in so many ways.
See about counseling. Can't hurt and just might help you get and stay sober. Alcoholism isn't about what you drink or how much or how often - it's about what happens to you when you drink. I hope you can find help soon. You deserve a good life and you deserve to love yourself.
My kids were teens when I started drinking one glass of wine before they got home from school "just to relax"... Before too many months had passed I was drinking all day, every day. I've been trying for three years to stay sober and just now am coming up on a year.
I tried and failed so many times I thought I was hopeless, doomed to a miserable existance.But with the help of my terrific addiction counselor and the caring people here I kept trying again and again. And I finally 'got it' and have been sober since.
If AA's not for you, why not try counseling with an addiction counselor? Mine helps me every week, and even tho I'm nearly a year sober I won't stop going as she helps me in so many ways.
See about counseling. Can't hurt and just might help you get and stay sober. Alcoholism isn't about what you drink or how much or how often - it's about what happens to you when you drink. I hope you can find help soon. You deserve a good life and you deserve to love yourself.
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