It just takes over
Stumbling Drunk
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 36
It just takes over
I haven't posted in a long time because I've been too hammered to do so. My tolerance is so high now that I just start to feel a buzz after a 12-pack. I don't even know how it happens. I get home from work and all of the sudden it's two hours later and I've had ten beers. I swear it's like another person takes over my body. And once I've had those ten beers, there's no turning back. The other morning I did a can count and it was like 18 or something.
The longest I've gone without drinking in the past 15 years is I think eleven days. And when I do stop, boy do I come back with a vengeance. I call it power drinking, I guess it's like making up for lost time or something. I can do one beer every ten minutes for hours.
Vacation and days off from work are always a bad time, because I have no reason to hold myself back. I start doing a four-and-four routine. Four hours power drinking, four hours sleeping. Over and over. And don't get the idea that I'm all teary-eyed while typing this. I love it. I love every minute of it.
Yet again tonight I'm going to try not to drink. I think some people might read that sentence and say, "Well, then just don't do it."
Well, I hear that, and it makes perfect sense. It's just that when I'm sitting in my chair after 8-10 beers and not even remembering going to the store to buy them in the first place, that logic goes out the window.
I'm convinced I'm mentally ill. I'm so tired of punishing my body and mind. But it goes on and on and on and, well, you know...
I'm going to try and focus on the first drink. Don't pick up that first one. The more I think about it, it seems like that first drink is the jumping-off point. That's the moment when the other person inside of me takes over, the moment that first can hits my lips.
So that's my story. Thanks for reading. I'm crazy.
LT
The longest I've gone without drinking in the past 15 years is I think eleven days. And when I do stop, boy do I come back with a vengeance. I call it power drinking, I guess it's like making up for lost time or something. I can do one beer every ten minutes for hours.
Vacation and days off from work are always a bad time, because I have no reason to hold myself back. I start doing a four-and-four routine. Four hours power drinking, four hours sleeping. Over and over. And don't get the idea that I'm all teary-eyed while typing this. I love it. I love every minute of it.
Yet again tonight I'm going to try not to drink. I think some people might read that sentence and say, "Well, then just don't do it."
Well, I hear that, and it makes perfect sense. It's just that when I'm sitting in my chair after 8-10 beers and not even remembering going to the store to buy them in the first place, that logic goes out the window.
I'm convinced I'm mentally ill. I'm so tired of punishing my body and mind. But it goes on and on and on and, well, you know...
I'm going to try and focus on the first drink. Don't pick up that first one. The more I think about it, it seems like that first drink is the jumping-off point. That's the moment when the other person inside of me takes over, the moment that first can hits my lips.
So that's my story. Thanks for reading. I'm crazy.
LT
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by LTrzczka 
I haven't posted in a long time because I've been too hammered to do so.
Originally Posted by LTrzczka
Four hours power drinking, four hours sleeping. Over and over. And don't get the idea that I'm all teary-eyed while typing this. I love it. I love every minute of it.
Originally Posted by LTrzczka
I'm convinced I'm mentally ill. I'm so tired of punishing my body and mind. But it goes on and on and on and, well, you know...
I'm going to try and focus on the first drink. Don't pick up that first one. The more I think about it, it seems like that first drink is the jumping-off point. That's the moment when the other person inside of me takes over, the moment that first can hits my lips.
So that's my story. Thanks for reading. I'm crazy.
LT
I'm going to try and focus on the first drink. Don't pick up that first one. The more I think about it, it seems like that first drink is the jumping-off point. That's the moment when the other person inside of me takes over, the moment that first can hits my lips.
So that's my story. Thanks for reading. I'm crazy.
LT
Dismember
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
Hey, welcome back.
There's good reason why people call it a habit. I think a lot of it is just mindless behavior built up over time. But I think there's also a lot of anxiety that comes with being without.
"Just don't do it" is advice given by non-alcoholics. It's not easy, not at first. It is the way it is though and if you're sick of hangovers, anxiety, the cost, the potential risk to jobs and relationships, let alone health it is worth it.
I know for me the first drink is the only one I can well avoid. Like you said, the rest "just happen."
There's good reason why people call it a habit. I think a lot of it is just mindless behavior built up over time. But I think there's also a lot of anxiety that comes with being without.
"Just don't do it" is advice given by non-alcoholics. It's not easy, not at first. It is the way it is though and if you're sick of hangovers, anxiety, the cost, the potential risk to jobs and relationships, let alone health it is worth it.
I know for me the first drink is the only one I can well avoid. Like you said, the rest "just happen."
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: uk
Posts: 464
Welcome LT, yes hearing you there,once you pop you just cant stop, hard fast drinking,
days off, holidays...green light for 24/7 bingeing, only a few weeks in again, its tough staying stopped...though amazingly did most of a summer, only to relapse once more, so entrenched, accessible, socially acceptable with barely a government health warning on parr, with hardcore drugs...pretty easy to see how you can fall into the normal way of living, work hard, drink hard, when its out of control, and starts ruining your life, its a big problem, this place has helped me a lot, a lot of support here, good luck.
days off, holidays...green light for 24/7 bingeing, only a few weeks in again, its tough staying stopped...though amazingly did most of a summer, only to relapse once more, so entrenched, accessible, socially acceptable with barely a government health warning on parr, with hardcore drugs...pretty easy to see how you can fall into the normal way of living, work hard, drink hard, when its out of control, and starts ruining your life, its a big problem, this place has helped me a lot, a lot of support here, good luck.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
I used to think I liked drinking, and maybe in the beginning I really did. But after a while I was drinking 'cause I didn't know what else to do with myself. I believed that I didnt' deserve a better life and that a better life was out of my reach. I drank 'cause I was afraid not to drink.
But now coming up on a year sober I feel differently. I no longer hate myself and my life and I no longer feel the need to punish myself by drinking, feeling horrible, and hating myself the next day (and every day).
I hope you can find it within you to give it up. It's hard at first but the rewards of staying sober are many and are wonderful.
All the best to you.
But now coming up on a year sober I feel differently. I no longer hate myself and my life and I no longer feel the need to punish myself by drinking, feeling horrible, and hating myself the next day (and every day).
I hope you can find it within you to give it up. It's hard at first but the rewards of staying sober are many and are wonderful.
All the best to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: South Dakota, USA
Posts: 1,429
For me one drink is too many and 1,000 is not enough. It is true that the first drink leads to a drunk. The hard part is learning NOT to take that first drink and being happy about it. For me, I had to use AA to help me get the tools to not drink. I hope you find what works for you. Drunk is no way to go through life. Stick with us, and welcome back.
TheMostSordidSpotOnEarth
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: ParadiseOnEarth
Posts: 811
You sound like me.
I'm an alcoholic (and an addict).
My alcoholism (and drug addiction) had me suffering from a seemingly hopeless condition whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions and death.
How do I know if I'm a real alcoholic?
1. After 1 or 2 or 3 drinks (or the use of most any other drug), I would lose any reasonable control of the amount I drank (or used). Alcohol in my body triggers the phenomenon of craving:
Once I start, I can't stop.
2. I can't stop or stay stopped for any significant amount of time (e.g. a year) based purely on my own resources (meaning no doctors, no therapists, no other drugs, no meds, no meetings, etc.). I suffered from an obsession of the mind: I could not manage the thought not to drink. Combined with some very real parallel thinking -- the ability to hold two opposing thoughts without conflict (i.e. I'm just going to go out for 2 or 3 drinks, but I'm also going to take $500 with me...or I'm just going to have glass of wine and I want to stay loyal to my boyfriend, but I'm going to meet that cute guy from the other night so we can get plastered together...) -- I was lost in the drinking cycle, and I could barely explain how I got there in the first place.
What I've come to understand is that I suffer from a spiritual malady. My baseline condition as an alcoholic without booze or a program of recovery is to be restless, irritable and discontent. Alcohol got me out of that place until it turned on me, had me hurdling to a spiritual death, and was wreaking mayhem with my mind and my life.
Does any of that sound familiar?
Thank the stars I came to realize that if I suffered from a spiritual malady, I would need a spiritual solution. The miracle is that this solution exists. It works. I would have paid every penny I had for it, but it's free. Amazing.
Before getting there, however, I'll say that it took a whole lot of suffering to accept that I truly do suffer from the disease of alcoholism, and that if I didn't start treating my condition by becoming willing to do whatever it took to recover, I would die. I drank until I couldn't walk. By age 20 I had someone drop me outside of the emergency room of the local hospital because I had drank so much I thought I was going to die. I carried booze in my purse (first 1 flask, then 2 flasks, then the whole bottle with my own tumbler in tow). I hid bottles in my closet. I drank until my stomach hurt all the time. There were long stretches in which I would throw up everyday. I still didn't think I had an out of control drinking problem. I was strong, smart and incredibly arrogant, and I thought I could handle it on my own.
Money and work didn't fix it. Moving to Europe didn't fix it. All variations in changes in my relationships with others didn't fix it. Psychology and psychiatry didn't fix it. Attempts at reducing the amount I drank or changing my Drink of Choice didn't fix it. Pot, pills and powders didn't fix it. The first time I started smoking heroin, one of my very conscious thoughts was that I could drink less if I used more. After 6 years of heroin use, with a day and night drug addiction that was so severe that I wouldn't even get out of bed without using, I hit bottom. Needless to say, heroin didn't fix it: my condition never left me. A progressive illness, it always got worse. I just could not believe that was meant to be my destiny in this life.
I've been sober/clean for a year and a half now. It hasn't all been easy, but every effort has proven its weight in gold. I have never lived through such an adventure or been able to experience so many earthly miracles in my entire life. I am deeply grateful. I feel blessed. This has been the greatest journey I never could have hoped for. I get a second chance: YOU DO TOO.
Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous have been my way way forward, and I credit them with saving my life -- not just in the literal sense, but in the quality of it. The 12 Steps and finding faith in a power greater than myself are at the heart of that. No one pays me to say that. I mean it down to my bones.
If you've finally had enough, or if at least you find that you can't live with it but you cannot live without it, find a meeting. Today. Go early, stay late, tell them you need help. You've got a new life if you choose to take it.
Life becomes beautiful.
My very best wishes to you for today and always.
SIU
I'm an alcoholic (and an addict).
My alcoholism (and drug addiction) had me suffering from a seemingly hopeless condition whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions and death.
How do I know if I'm a real alcoholic?
1. After 1 or 2 or 3 drinks (or the use of most any other drug), I would lose any reasonable control of the amount I drank (or used). Alcohol in my body triggers the phenomenon of craving:
Once I start, I can't stop.
2. I can't stop or stay stopped for any significant amount of time (e.g. a year) based purely on my own resources (meaning no doctors, no therapists, no other drugs, no meds, no meetings, etc.). I suffered from an obsession of the mind: I could not manage the thought not to drink. Combined with some very real parallel thinking -- the ability to hold two opposing thoughts without conflict (i.e. I'm just going to go out for 2 or 3 drinks, but I'm also going to take $500 with me...or I'm just going to have glass of wine and I want to stay loyal to my boyfriend, but I'm going to meet that cute guy from the other night so we can get plastered together...) -- I was lost in the drinking cycle, and I could barely explain how I got there in the first place.
What I've come to understand is that I suffer from a spiritual malady. My baseline condition as an alcoholic without booze or a program of recovery is to be restless, irritable and discontent. Alcohol got me out of that place until it turned on me, had me hurdling to a spiritual death, and was wreaking mayhem with my mind and my life.
Does any of that sound familiar?
Thank the stars I came to realize that if I suffered from a spiritual malady, I would need a spiritual solution. The miracle is that this solution exists. It works. I would have paid every penny I had for it, but it's free. Amazing.
Before getting there, however, I'll say that it took a whole lot of suffering to accept that I truly do suffer from the disease of alcoholism, and that if I didn't start treating my condition by becoming willing to do whatever it took to recover, I would die. I drank until I couldn't walk. By age 20 I had someone drop me outside of the emergency room of the local hospital because I had drank so much I thought I was going to die. I carried booze in my purse (first 1 flask, then 2 flasks, then the whole bottle with my own tumbler in tow). I hid bottles in my closet. I drank until my stomach hurt all the time. There were long stretches in which I would throw up everyday. I still didn't think I had an out of control drinking problem. I was strong, smart and incredibly arrogant, and I thought I could handle it on my own.
Money and work didn't fix it. Moving to Europe didn't fix it. All variations in changes in my relationships with others didn't fix it. Psychology and psychiatry didn't fix it. Attempts at reducing the amount I drank or changing my Drink of Choice didn't fix it. Pot, pills and powders didn't fix it. The first time I started smoking heroin, one of my very conscious thoughts was that I could drink less if I used more. After 6 years of heroin use, with a day and night drug addiction that was so severe that I wouldn't even get out of bed without using, I hit bottom. Needless to say, heroin didn't fix it: my condition never left me. A progressive illness, it always got worse. I just could not believe that was meant to be my destiny in this life.
I've been sober/clean for a year and a half now. It hasn't all been easy, but every effort has proven its weight in gold. I have never lived through such an adventure or been able to experience so many earthly miracles in my entire life. I am deeply grateful. I feel blessed. This has been the greatest journey I never could have hoped for. I get a second chance: YOU DO TOO.
Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous have been my way way forward, and I credit them with saving my life -- not just in the literal sense, but in the quality of it. The 12 Steps and finding faith in a power greater than myself are at the heart of that. No one pays me to say that. I mean it down to my bones.
If you've finally had enough, or if at least you find that you can't live with it but you cannot live without it, find a meeting. Today. Go early, stay late, tell them you need help. You've got a new life if you choose to take it.
Life becomes beautiful.
My very best wishes to you for today and always.
SIU
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Sounds like you're just like us. You can get sober and you never have to drink again.
Do something, anything, everything different. Will you accept the hand of recovery? Get up, do not go home after work, and go directly to an AA meeting. Maybe AA isn't for you, but it's a start.
Check yourself into rehab for 30 days. Yeah yeah, you can't b/c _____ or ______, right? That's your alcoholism talking.
The road to recovery is open to us all. ...but you gotta turn down it yourself. It's up to you. Let us know how we can help.
Do something, anything, everything different. Will you accept the hand of recovery? Get up, do not go home after work, and go directly to an AA meeting. Maybe AA isn't for you, but it's a start.
Check yourself into rehab for 30 days. Yeah yeah, you can't b/c _____ or ______, right? That's your alcoholism talking.
The road to recovery is open to us all. ...but you gotta turn down it yourself. It's up to you. Let us know how we can help.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by LTrzczka
...I don't even know how it happens. I get home from work and all of the sudden it's two hours later and I've had ten beers. I swear it's like another person takes over my body. And once I've had those ten beers, there's no turning back. The other morning I did a can count and it was like 18 or something.
It was not until I experienced a spiritual awakening", that I realized I was not "choosing" to get drunk. I was just relaxing enough to let drinking back into my life. Drinking is what happened whenever I ceased fighting with myself.
Today I don't need to "choose" to drink or not to drink. It is more like the felling that I have when my appetite is satisfied - I don't need to "choose" not to eat. It just seems natural to not eat under those circumstances.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Welcome back LTrzczka
I was in a position very much like yours - except I no longer enteratined the idea I loved drinking - I hated it - but I still couldn't stop. It was definite auto pilot stuff.
The only way out of the cycle for me was action - not trying...doing.
If you want to stop get help - call in the cavalry...see your Dr as a first point of call, be honest and open with them and hear what they have to say.
I think you should also consider some face to face support - AA's the most easily accessible of those groups, but there are others...and lots of counselling options too.
But...do something. Something different.
If you want out of prison, you have to get up and walk through the door, y'know?
D
I was in a position very much like yours - except I no longer enteratined the idea I loved drinking - I hated it - but I still couldn't stop. It was definite auto pilot stuff.
The only way out of the cycle for me was action - not trying...doing.
If you want to stop get help - call in the cavalry...see your Dr as a first point of call, be honest and open with them and hear what they have to say.
I think you should also consider some face to face support - AA's the most easily accessible of those groups, but there are others...and lots of counselling options too.
But...do something. Something different.
If you want out of prison, you have to get up and walk through the door, y'know?
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 226
Everyone here has offered solid, sound advice and support, so I don't want to reiterate what's already been said. I'll just say this: For me, I love drinking. There was a point--5 years ago--when I hated it, but couldn't live without it (I was sicker than sick! Throwing up every morning was my norm, as was having my first drink). I got sober for 4 years, and then I relapsed because I became complacent and arrogant about my sobriety. I took it for granted. And then I was experimenting with "controlled drinking" for nine months, which were totally miserable. I would get "drunk" on occasion, but mostly I just kept it to 3 glasses of wine (and craving more and more and more after the fact). I LOVE DRINKING, because this time 'round I didn't have any negative consequences, I just got tired of the lying and sneaking. And the fact that I still do love drinking (the escape) makes my newfound sobriety all the more challenging. That said, I am truly powerless over that first drink. When I first started AA, and as I start again now (10 days), I have to tell myself two things: 1.) If you don't pick up that first drink, you can't get drunk; and 2.) Keep it in the day. I won't drink JUST FOR TODAY. Tomorrow I can drink, but not today. And I say these two things to myself (like a mantra) every day. I know 10 days isn't much, but I know also that those four years sober were the best in my life, and I want that back.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: London, The UK
Posts: 104
As much as I hate to admit it and as irrational as it is, I do love drinking too. Not during the DTs but maybe on the 4th day of sobriety I always, always remember how much I love drinking.
I love drinking but I hate alcoholism.
Especially since I am in the third or fourth(i.e. last) stage of it.
If I could go back to the earliest stage, despite knowing what the inevitable consequences are gonna be, I believe I would drink. Every day. Every night. I would do it all over again...Because, damn it, it was fun! Almost romantic. And as Charles Dickens once wrote, "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
I believe that as much as drinking harmed it, it gave me a lot too. I am an aspiring writer and the sights alcoholism showed me, the things this "battle" taught me, I could have never learned in any creative writing workshop.
There is a reason why some of the best writers of *any* generation were/are alcoholics.
But, alas, it's time for recovery. 'Cause without it, there will be no time for anything else.
I love drinking but I hate alcoholism.
Especially since I am in the third or fourth(i.e. last) stage of it.
If I could go back to the earliest stage, despite knowing what the inevitable consequences are gonna be, I believe I would drink. Every day. Every night. I would do it all over again...Because, damn it, it was fun! Almost romantic. And as Charles Dickens once wrote, "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
I believe that as much as drinking harmed it, it gave me a lot too. I am an aspiring writer and the sights alcoholism showed me, the things this "battle" taught me, I could have never learned in any creative writing workshop.
There is a reason why some of the best writers of *any* generation were/are alcoholics.
But, alas, it's time for recovery. 'Cause without it, there will be no time for anything else.
Stumbling Drunk
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 36
Thanks so much to everyone for being so nice and giving me a place to release my frustrations. I don't know how I can face people in real life and admit my problem just yet. That's very scary to me. These SR forums are so great. I feel comfortable talking here; I would never even open my mouth anywhere else.
Carl, you're right. It's true. I USED to love it. I was such a mess this weekend. Falling around the house. Knocking things over, breaking them. I was trying to hook up a DVD player and I messed it right up, pulled the cord right out of the back of it. Basically Monday morning I surveyed the damage around the house that I don't remember doing. I'm really, really disappointed in myself. I drink because I MUST. I never thought of it that way before, but it's spot on.
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
I don't believe you. You drink, but I don't think you drink because you love it. Maybe in the beginning. But not now. I suspect you hate it, but you drink because you MUST.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Originally Posted by LTrzczka
Thanks so much to everyone for being so nice and giving me a place to release my frustrations. I don't know how I can face people in real life and admit my problem just yet. That's very scary to me. These SR forums are so great. I feel comfortable talking here; I would never even open my mouth anywhere else.
Carl, you're right. It's true. I USED to love it. I was such a mess this weekend. Falling around the house. Knocking things over, breaking them. I was trying to hook up a DVD player and I messed it right up, pulled the cord right out of the back of it. Basically Monday morning I surveyed the damage around the house that I don't remember doing. I'm really, really disappointed in myself. I drink because I MUST. I never thought of it that way before, but it's spot on.
Carl, you're right. It's true. I USED to love it. I was such a mess this weekend. Falling around the house. Knocking things over, breaking them. I was trying to hook up a DVD player and I messed it right up, pulled the cord right out of the back of it. Basically Monday morning I surveyed the damage around the house that I don't remember doing. I'm really, really disappointed in myself. I drink because I MUST. I never thought of it that way before, but it's spot on.
Looking foward to reading and responding to your posts. Post often as it helps for sure. You are responsable for your own sobriety, but you don't have to do it alone. We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Many of us started our sober journeys with a plan. When I first came to SR, people asked me if I had a plan for sobriety. I thought: "A plan? I need a plan?"
I really hadn't given it any thought. When I was at the chronic stage of every day, all day drinking, and looked at my life through the thick haze of a painful hangover, or in the middle of a numbing binge, I couldn't decide if I had hit one, or several bottoms. They all were equally frightening.
After hearing the suggestion to make a plan, several times here at Sr, I began to see the logic of it. My plan was to talk to my doctor first. Talk about my drinking. Discuss if I needed detox. We came to an agreement that I would start with an outpatient program that she referred me to. I had some blood tests done.
I called the outpatient program. Made an appointment. Went to the appointment.
They were all small, first steps, I felt like a toddler. I was afraid. I was afraid to see the results of my blood tests, afraid to walk into the outpatient clinic for the first time. Afraid to walk into my first AA meeting.
But, one thing that all of those little steps gave me (that I didn't have anymore), was hope.
the word hope had dropped out of my vocabulary.
No, I didn't know if anything would really work.
But, doing something about my problem gave me the first good feeling I had in years.
I really hadn't given it any thought. When I was at the chronic stage of every day, all day drinking, and looked at my life through the thick haze of a painful hangover, or in the middle of a numbing binge, I couldn't decide if I had hit one, or several bottoms. They all were equally frightening.
After hearing the suggestion to make a plan, several times here at Sr, I began to see the logic of it. My plan was to talk to my doctor first. Talk about my drinking. Discuss if I needed detox. We came to an agreement that I would start with an outpatient program that she referred me to. I had some blood tests done.
I called the outpatient program. Made an appointment. Went to the appointment.
They were all small, first steps, I felt like a toddler. I was afraid. I was afraid to see the results of my blood tests, afraid to walk into the outpatient clinic for the first time. Afraid to walk into my first AA meeting.
But, one thing that all of those little steps gave me (that I didn't have anymore), was hope.
the word hope had dropped out of my vocabulary.
No, I didn't know if anything would really work.
But, doing something about my problem gave me the first good feeling I had in years.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Originally Posted by jamdls
Hi LT, sounds like a deadly journey you're on and sounds to me like you need face 2 face help, you don't have to go through this alone whether you reach online or in person you need to reach out.
I found a great CBT counselor...it was the 5th one i went to over a 17 year period, the previous ones i went to ranging from a session to 4 months...my counselor is 24 years sober...i got sober in AA at the same time as i started seeing him...based on my experience i would advise going to AA and asking for help rather than trawling through counsellors for 17 years;-)
Good luck!
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