bubblehead

I had been talking via email to my Ex fiance. I was wondering why he is being so nice. Turns out, he wanted me to design a Tshirt for his business. In the past, I worked at his business, designed and maintained his website and made graphics for him for free. We are not "together" anymore, so I sent him back a quote for the price of the T-shirt, which was actually a lot less than what I normally charge.
He went ballistic that I would charge him at all. I have not mentioned this before, but I have a 14 year old daughter. He is threatening to call DCF on me to try and have her taken away. I have been sober for a month, didn't drink that long to begin with. My child was never in danger or neglected. Could he really have her taken away over the short time I drank? and if DCF does come, should I admit I had been drinking for a time? I don't know what to do.
I saved all the emails that show he is angry at me for not doing his graphic for free. I also pointed out to him that if anything would have gotten her taken away, it would have been staying in a domestic violence situation with him. In my state, they DO take children away for that.
Does anyone have any experience with this, especially whn they are newly recovering? I would think since I am not drinking now, never put her in any type of danger, past alcohol use would be irrelevant. Furthermore, it is not illegal to drink anyway.

suki44883

Stop all contact with him NOW. Block him from your email and phones. He's a jerk and just trying to scare you. He can't bother you if you have NO contact with him. Don't get curious and unblock him to see what he has said. That is what he wants. He wants to intimidate you. Don't let him.

LexieCat

If I were you, I would get a restraining order barring him from further contact, based on the emails. DCF has enough to worry about without going after parents in recovery. They are also onto the fact that it's a favorite form of revenge--I wouldn't expect them to take the ex particularly seriously.

If you don't get a RO, block him yourself from further contact. You don't need this in your life.

Stang

I would say he doesn't stand a chance in hell.

bubblehead

I'm thinking of getting an injunction, or trying. I am not sure they will grant it based on emails. They WERE over Facebook, so there is no question who sent them. There was the last episode where I dialed 911 after he was screaming and throwing things at me. That was a month ago. I did not tell him I dialed 911 because I didn't want him to have a chance to lie his way out of it. So he is recorded screaming threats at me. Maybe that in addition to the emails will be enough. I am definitely blocking him on all of my accounts. Threatening to have my daughter taken away is OVER THE TOP! He knows how much I love her and how much she loves me. She has no relationship with her father, I am literally all she has in the world. Even when I drank, I always took good care of her. She didn't even KNOW how much I was drinking. When I told her I had a problem, she didn't believe me.
I am in a different area now and I have had contact myself with DCF in the past with making sure my mother is taken care of. In fact I jumped in and gave a 100% when it was found she wasn't taking care of herself.
Hopefully they will know I am not a neglectful or abusive mother or whatever it is he plans to tell them. There was a time when he was planning to adopt my daughter. I am SO glad that didn't happen!

Toss

Hang in there, don't be intimidated. Like everyone said, remove any form of contact with him, get a RO, and if he continues, the courts can deal with him.

Good job standing up for yourself and your daughter, you can do it!

Toss

lildawg

Hang in there. I think it's a good idea to stop all contact with him.

Bullies are usually cowards, so it's possible he won't call child protection. Save your communications with him, though. If he does try to get you in trouble, you'll have proof that a dispute instigated his "concern." I've no idea how much that will help you, but, you'll have it.

I would think you'll be fine if your home is clean, your child is clean and doing well in school, and there is no proof of abuse or neglect. Things aren't always what they're supposed to be, though.

Remember, you can't change what he's going to do or what fallout his actions will have. I drive myself crazy with "what if." It never helps. Prepare, and, then, give the rest to your higher power. If you don't have one of those, turn it over to the universe. Be at peace as much as you can.

jamdls

I agree with the others cut off all contact with the jerk. Even if he contacted DCF I can't imagine they would take any action, your daughter is old enough that they could interview her if necessary. I had 2 visits (1 phone call 1 in person over 2 years) from DCF when my daughter was young based on allegations from ex husband's 2nd wife (first allegation was anoymous but it was easy to figure out who called);drinking was not an issue for me back then; and once they met with me, and met with my pre-school age daughter, they quickly realized this was just a revenge type accusation on the part of the new wife.

bubblehead

My house is clean. I have very little furnture, he kept most of it. But we have beds and a table and chair I left in the house when I moved out. Her room is fully furnished, he allowed her to take what was in her room. My daughter is homeschooled and actually tests above grade level each time. We have a lot of pets, but they are housebroken and we take care of them.
I cannot think of single thing that would indicate I abuse or neglect her.

LaFemme

Hi! I'm pretty much going to ditto what everyone else said. But I wanted to add that I have worked in the family services division of the courts for a pro bono case. Courts are typically reluctant to remove children from parental custody...if anything they are too reluctant to do so. You don't sound like you have anything to worry about but print out everything you have from this abusive jerk and document as much of your history as possible...it never hurts to have ammunition if he does do something. Which is another reason you should get a RO against him. In my experience they are pretty easy to get...especially the temporary ones.

bubblehead

Thanks. I am going to go ahead and go into the courthouse tommorow. I will likely be granted a temporary injunction which will last for 10 days. If he does not show up for court afterwards, it wll be permanent. Being that he is 3 hours away and obssessed with his business, I am betting he will not show up.
I feel guilty doing this. I know I cannot be with him but I love him and hate to hurt him.He is threatening me to lose my daughter. So I have no choice. Just because I drank for awhile, does not mean my daughter and I deserve to be seperated. I have stopped, its not relevant anymore.

LaFemme

Good for you! I know it's easier said then done, but try not to feel bad about protecting yourself and your daughter. And if there is any counseling available you might want to look into it. If I understand correctly he has a propensity to violence and it sounds like you were at least emotionally abused by him...take care of yourself:-)

Spirit08

A mother's worst nightmare.

I wouldn't tell DCF anything. If they contact you and want to open an investigation, let them. You don't have anything to hide now, and there's no proof you did anything wrong.

That's a hideous threat.

lildawg

Don't feel guilty, and don't feel sorry for this man. He's being abusive in the only way he can since you now refuse to co-habitate with him.

bubblehead

I asm most definitely looking into counseling. This is my second abusive long term relationship. He did not appear to be abusive the first four years. I don't trust my judgement anymore. To me that problem is worse than alcohol.
He was getting physically violent at the end. He started abusing my pets,threw things at me and pushed me telling me to "take a swing" at him. I swear for 4 years he was never like this. He opened a pawn shop last year and his personalty seemed to completely change. Its like dealing with a different person, one who will do anything to get his own way.
I'd rather be an alcoholic than a sober sociopathic monster that acts that way just because he can.
On the bright side,I just looked at the calendar, counted the days, and I am on day 31 YAAAY!

whatevername

LexieCat

Congrats on your sober time!

He'll move on soon enough, no doubt. Thank goodness you don't have kids together--makes it a lot tougher to avoid contact. (And a big WHEW on that adoption that didn't happen!!)

Toronto68

Well, I don't think we're necessarily equipped to give legal advice anymore than medical advice, but my mind is telling me that the fact he is an ex-fiance and nothing more is in your favor. And I'm assuming this is not his child. You could store the emails in a folder you never look in and print out hard copies of them and store them in a retrievable place (but where you don't look every day), and those threats (for his personal gain) can be produced. And in the meantime, continue not to drink and have a clean house and a child that looks provided for and with a place to do her homework. (You could very well already have all these things covered.) I don't think he has a leg to stand on either, but you can take satisfaction in making sure a checklist of things are being covered by you, to the benefit of you and your daughter. And when it comes to whether you should lie or not if you ever were questioned about a history of problem drinking, I am of two minds: one tells me admission of guilt is not good, but the other tells me that being cuaght in a lie only works against you. It's hard for me to put myself there, but I suppose I would say that I did drink in the past, but took the resolve to stop it because it doesn't fit into day-to-day family life anymore. We see negative stories about non-relatives intervening in situations like this, but I don't think there is a reason to be paranoid about it. Assume you will not be visited and questioned and do the right thing in the meantime.

c49

You're safe.

TheEnd

If he did contact DCF they would have to first decide if they were going to open an investigation. If they did open an investigation, they would probably just come to your house and ask you some questions, as well as visit your daughters school and ask her some questions when you weren't around.

If everything is OK, then you won't have any problems. DCF is more worried about what is going on right now unless there was some type of abuse going on to the child, if your sober now and doing what you need to do, then you should be okay.