Worries about alcoholism and depression
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 16
Worries about alcoholism and depression
Hello all.
I'm writing here in hope of some good advice or a push in the right direction, because I'm becoming really desperate and I don't know where and how to turn for help.
First off, on the brightside, I've been sober now for fourteen months after twenty years of drinking. The first time I got drunk, I cried the whole time, the feeling was so liberating. I pretty much knew that I was hooked right then. Getting alcohol in my blood seemed the only relief from the pain inside of me. Depression runs in my family.
Alcohol pretty much ran my life. I loved everything about it, the smell, the taste, the sound, the bottles, the glasses, the bars. It became the driving force, an end in itself. And at the end of my drinking days I was just completely out of control. But then, somehow, I managed to quit. I was so grateful, waking up sober day after day. I somehow assumed that this would be the start of something good. I even expected it. I read somewhere that if often takes twelve months for a recovering alcoholic to get his life back on the track. In hindsight, my mistake might have been to do it all alone, without seeking help from anyone.
Now fourteen months later, my life is more of a mess than ever before. I'm unemployed, with zero income, my savings are gone, bills and debts piling up, I'm about to loose my apartment, which I can't even live in because of allergy, but luckily I've been able to stay at friends places while they are abroad. But worst of all is that of lately my depression has been picking up and kicking in like never before. Somehow I don't have the energy or will to do anything. I've just kind of let everything slide downhill, and not even giving a darn about it. I find myself avoiding people, staying out of touch from friends and family. My thoughts are stuck in circles. Hopelessness, pointlessness, shame, self-hatred, death. That's pretty much was goes on in my mind. I try to force myself to think of positive things. I try to think of my son. I try to think of music, chess, whatever. I try to watch a movie, play the guitar or go for a walk. I know I have a million things going for me. Sometimes it makes me feel better but pretty soon I'm in the same bluesy mood again. I just try to sleep. It's the only thing, apart from alcohol, that seems to work.
I started seeing a shrink some weeks ago. He is nice and means well but I don't seem able to really open up and tell him of the gravity of my problems. I've never been able to talk about matters of the heart with anyone. I just freeze up when it comes to that.
I'm scared now. I'm scared that I will never reach my goals and dreams. I even hardly got started. I'm afraid because I don't know how to get out of this situation and I'm afraid because alcohol seems so tempting now. And mostly I'm afraid of not coming out of this alive.
So this is my situation. I would be obliged and grateful if anyone could give me pointers or advice, because I seem to be stuck in a rut.
I'm writing here in hope of some good advice or a push in the right direction, because I'm becoming really desperate and I don't know where and how to turn for help.
First off, on the brightside, I've been sober now for fourteen months after twenty years of drinking. The first time I got drunk, I cried the whole time, the feeling was so liberating. I pretty much knew that I was hooked right then. Getting alcohol in my blood seemed the only relief from the pain inside of me. Depression runs in my family.
Alcohol pretty much ran my life. I loved everything about it, the smell, the taste, the sound, the bottles, the glasses, the bars. It became the driving force, an end in itself. And at the end of my drinking days I was just completely out of control. But then, somehow, I managed to quit. I was so grateful, waking up sober day after day. I somehow assumed that this would be the start of something good. I even expected it. I read somewhere that if often takes twelve months for a recovering alcoholic to get his life back on the track. In hindsight, my mistake might have been to do it all alone, without seeking help from anyone.
Now fourteen months later, my life is more of a mess than ever before. I'm unemployed, with zero income, my savings are gone, bills and debts piling up, I'm about to loose my apartment, which I can't even live in because of allergy, but luckily I've been able to stay at friends places while they are abroad. But worst of all is that of lately my depression has been picking up and kicking in like never before. Somehow I don't have the energy or will to do anything. I've just kind of let everything slide downhill, and not even giving a darn about it. I find myself avoiding people, staying out of touch from friends and family. My thoughts are stuck in circles. Hopelessness, pointlessness, shame, self-hatred, death. That's pretty much was goes on in my mind. I try to force myself to think of positive things. I try to think of my son. I try to think of music, chess, whatever. I try to watch a movie, play the guitar or go for a walk. I know I have a million things going for me. Sometimes it makes me feel better but pretty soon I'm in the same bluesy mood again. I just try to sleep. It's the only thing, apart from alcohol, that seems to work.
I started seeing a shrink some weeks ago. He is nice and means well but I don't seem able to really open up and tell him of the gravity of my problems. I've never been able to talk about matters of the heart with anyone. I just freeze up when it comes to that.
I'm scared now. I'm scared that I will never reach my goals and dreams. I even hardly got started. I'm afraid because I don't know how to get out of this situation and I'm afraid because alcohol seems so tempting now. And mostly I'm afraid of not coming out of this alive.
So this is my situation. I would be obliged and grateful if anyone could give me pointers or advice, because I seem to be stuck in a rut.
AAudrey
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Stamford, CT
Posts: 209
I suffer from depression too, am unemployed too and manage to make my rent and car and electric. AA, Meetings, step work, phone calls, aa literature, sponsor and working the program. There's no easier, softer way. Make the decision that today, nothing is worth drinking over.
You will hear and meet people who have all of the same symptoms you are described and will be aamazed. Who knew? haha
You will hear and meet people who have all of the same symptoms you are described and will be aamazed. Who knew? haha
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Welcome Arne
For some people, quitting drinking is enough for happiness y'know?
...and for others it's like the tide goes out, and all that dark dank stinky debris we covered for years, decades even, by our drinking gets uncovered.
I'm glad you're seeing a Psych - I think that's absolutely the right thing to do in the circumstances - try not to worry too much about opening up, I think that can take time for some of us - it certainly did for me.
I hope continued visits will see and improvement for you.
I know you'll find a lot of support here too - so welcome...I look forward to seeing you around some more Arne
D
For some people, quitting drinking is enough for happiness y'know?
...and for others it's like the tide goes out, and all that dark dank stinky debris we covered for years, decades even, by our drinking gets uncovered.
I'm glad you're seeing a Psych - I think that's absolutely the right thing to do in the circumstances - try not to worry too much about opening up, I think that can take time for some of us - it certainly did for me.
I hope continued visits will see and improvement for you.
I know you'll find a lot of support here too - so welcome...I look forward to seeing you around some more Arne
D
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
So sorry to hear of your troubles, Arne. I know that I would have had a really hard time staying sober without my psychiatrist and anti-depressants. I have a lot of financial issues myself, so I can relate to the stress.
Are you seeing a psychologist, or psychiatrist? I think some people need more than counseling to address depression. Also, it sometimes takes a few tries to get the right help/medication. Don't give up on yourself. If you can be more honest with your counselor/doctor, it will help them a great deal as well.
Are you seeing a psychologist, or psychiatrist? I think some people need more than counseling to address depression. Also, it sometimes takes a few tries to get the right help/medication. Don't give up on yourself. If you can be more honest with your counselor/doctor, it will help them a great deal as well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Seattle
Posts: 49
First off great job on 14 months sober, and on your own. I think you're stronger than you give yourself credit.
Alcohol is a depressant, I would advise agaisnt it if depression is what you're fighting (wise words from my shrink, ya duh!)
I really had a hard time talking when I orginally went in to see a therapist. The room was lame, he was nice but I honestly doubted he could help me. I find being in a room with peers or people with the same issues is far more helpful for me. It wasn't that way in the beginning but I would highly recommend a support group.
I personally wouldn't seek meds unless I had tried everything else but that's an option too.
You do have options, you are trying to find the solution. You start drinking you lose those things.
Keep posting!
Alcohol is a depressant, I would advise agaisnt it if depression is what you're fighting (wise words from my shrink, ya duh!)
I really had a hard time talking when I orginally went in to see a therapist. The room was lame, he was nice but I honestly doubted he could help me. I find being in a room with peers or people with the same issues is far more helpful for me. It wasn't that way in the beginning but I would highly recommend a support group.
I personally wouldn't seek meds unless I had tried everything else but that's an option too.
You do have options, you are trying to find the solution. You start drinking you lose those things.
Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Mgm, AL
Posts: 1,000
Originally Posted by Arne 
...my mistake might have been to do it all alone, without seeking help from anyone.
What I learned from going to AA F2F (face to face) meetings, was that there were lots of people like me that had similar problems, and they'd learned to face them without drinking--which made no sense to me up to that point. Isolation hadn't worked, ADs hadn't worked, alcohol hadn't worked, geographic changes of scenery hadn't worked--nothing worked--and I had no tools for dealing with life when the drugs/drink failed.
They helped me develop some "Life Tools" I call them, and showed me how to APPLY these tools in every situation I faced. I bawled, I kicked, I pouted, I criticized, I whined, I laughed--and I learned. The Twelve Steps are a design for living that someone forgot to teach me when I was growing up (or I simply wanted short-cuts to feelgood). A set of ACTIONS I can apply in every situation.
I'm drug free, AD free, chem free, alcohol free, and free to be me today--and that's ONLY attributable to the program of AA and a personal relationship with a God of my understanding.
Fourteen months is awesome, but white-knuckling isn't recovery. It's stop-where-you're-at-ery. Recovery means developing a life without alcohol and drugs, and integrating with the world as a person of value and contribution. Let someone help you help yourself.
I'm more than happy to email with you if you choose.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Hi Arne,
Congratulations on the fourteen months! and welcome to SR. You know, often times going it alone is not the best for most of us. I needed the help of others to make sense of my alcoholism and my sobriety. On my own, I was just lost in it all. Working recovery with other alcoholics and getting professional counselling created the living sober solutions that gave me the way forward to live a proper sober spiritual life. I was no different, it was not easy for me to reach out either. Everytime I did though, help was found for me, and from me giving back to others helped me too. Not to say everything just happened always easy like -- no, it was a tough thing for me to get and stay sober. I'm just saying I could never ever have done it alone.
You know, sobriety is a wonderful great life to live, and it can and will be for you too. I'm sure as you continue to reach out, share with others as you eventually get more comfortable, you'll also come to understand your sobriety, and how to live the life that you wanted to live when you quit booze. Stay with it! Work with others, with your shrink, keep the sharing of yourself open and moving forward -- things will get better -- they have for millions of others before you -- there are many paths to sobriety -- including the one you are now walking. Fourteen months is a great start on your own. Try working more with others. AA is a good way to do that for many, but not the only way, not the only program.
Thanks for reaching out with your post. As you can see, it has already created some sharing back to you. It can only get better as you stay sober and share with others who understand where you are coming from. All the best moving forward!
Rob
Congratulations on the fourteen months! and welcome to SR. You know, often times going it alone is not the best for most of us. I needed the help of others to make sense of my alcoholism and my sobriety. On my own, I was just lost in it all. Working recovery with other alcoholics and getting professional counselling created the living sober solutions that gave me the way forward to live a proper sober spiritual life. I was no different, it was not easy for me to reach out either. Everytime I did though, help was found for me, and from me giving back to others helped me too. Not to say everything just happened always easy like -- no, it was a tough thing for me to get and stay sober. I'm just saying I could never ever have done it alone.
You know, sobriety is a wonderful great life to live, and it can and will be for you too. I'm sure as you continue to reach out, share with others as you eventually get more comfortable, you'll also come to understand your sobriety, and how to live the life that you wanted to live when you quit booze. Stay with it! Work with others, with your shrink, keep the sharing of yourself open and moving forward -- things will get better -- they have for millions of others before you -- there are many paths to sobriety -- including the one you are now walking. Fourteen months is a great start on your own. Try working more with others. AA is a good way to do that for many, but not the only way, not the only program.
Thanks for reaching out with your post. As you can see, it has already created some sharing back to you. It can only get better as you stay sober and share with others who understand where you are coming from. All the best moving forward!
Rob
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Hi Arne, welcome to SR. I too suffered from depression for over 30 yrs. First of all I think you should visit another shrink if you are not comfortable with the one you are seeing, I went to 3 or 4 different psychiatrists/therapists before I found the 1 that worked for me; it was the same with the medication that was prescribed I tried 4-5 anti-depressants before settling on the 1 that worked best for me. Everyone is different so the same thing doesn't work for everyone. You didn't mention if you were taking anti-depressants but if you aren't you might consider it, I fought taking anti-depressants for years until things got so bad and I was suicidal and my wonderful psychiatrist convinced me that depression wasn't any different than having any other ailment like epilepsy, or high blood pressure etc and of course anyone would take medication for those ailments so why shouldn't you take something for depression.
Being out of work is very depressing, the last time I was unemployed a friend insisted that I make a list every single night of things I was going to do the next day (I actually ended up doing the list just 2-3 times a week) and then I had to accomplish those things. I still make a list every week of things I want/need to accomplish on the weekends and it gives me pleasure every time I cross something off the list sure some things get carried over week after week but it still gives me some sort of goals.
Please visit SR often there are lots of wonderful supportive people here at any time of day or night.
God be with you.
Being out of work is very depressing, the last time I was unemployed a friend insisted that I make a list every single night of things I was going to do the next day (I actually ended up doing the list just 2-3 times a week) and then I had to accomplish those things. I still make a list every week of things I want/need to accomplish on the weekends and it gives me pleasure every time I cross something off the list sure some things get carried over week after week but it still gives me some sort of goals.
Please visit SR often there are lots of wonderful supportive people here at any time of day or night.
God be with you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 16
Thank you for your replies and kind words. Reading this and other posts in this forum has really been helpful. I have been wondering about my options and finding and joining a support group feels as the right next step. Now I have to build up the courage to actually go out there. I know it won't be easy for me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Arne,
You describe alcoholism as I know it. That restless, full of fear, uncomfortable state of being. I found that the vast majority of my troubles were the result of that internal condition, and not the circumstances of my life. The 12 Steps offered me a way to treat that internal condition that I know as alcoholism. Not drinking never treated that condition that the BB describes.
You describe alcoholism as I know it. That restless, full of fear, uncomfortable state of being. I found that the vast majority of my troubles were the result of that internal condition, and not the circumstances of my life. The 12 Steps offered me a way to treat that internal condition that I know as alcoholism. Not drinking never treated that condition that the BB describes.
Originally Posted by AA BB 1st
We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 27
Drinking is just going to make it worse. You already know that I bet. Besides being drunk for me personally when I really think about it doesn't offer anything all that great. It's just the same old buzzy wooziness that usually ends in sickness.
Tell the shrink everything. That's what they're paid for. When I get in a complete "life sucks" mode mine usually helps me nail down what's really bothering me. It's usually something specific I hadn't considered. Then I can either do something about it or just knowing what it is makes me feel better.
I also get in deep depressions. One thing that's helped is I've learned that these states seem to be constant and eternal as if it's the way I've always felt and the way I always will feel, but I remind myself that's not true. They do lift. At the very least I know at some point in the future I will feel better.
It also helps when I find a way to make myself useful in any small way I can. I can't find work either. So I keep looking knowing eventually something has to come my way and in the interim people can come to me if they need me. For some reason raking and sweeping outside makes me feel peaceful. Stuff like that.
As far as the bills if I don't have the money I don't have the money. So I'm not rich. The creditors can bite me until I do have the money. There's no point in letting that keep me up at nights.
Just my ten cents. Hope you feel better. Stay sober.
Tell the shrink everything. That's what they're paid for. When I get in a complete "life sucks" mode mine usually helps me nail down what's really bothering me. It's usually something specific I hadn't considered. Then I can either do something about it or just knowing what it is makes me feel better.
I also get in deep depressions. One thing that's helped is I've learned that these states seem to be constant and eternal as if it's the way I've always felt and the way I always will feel, but I remind myself that's not true. They do lift. At the very least I know at some point in the future I will feel better.
It also helps when I find a way to make myself useful in any small way I can. I can't find work either. So I keep looking knowing eventually something has to come my way and in the interim people can come to me if they need me. For some reason raking and sweeping outside makes me feel peaceful. Stuff like that.
As far as the bills if I don't have the money I don't have the money. So I'm not rich. The creditors can bite me until I do have the money. There's no point in letting that keep me up at nights.
Just my ten cents. Hope you feel better. Stay sober.
I got nothin'
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Welcome Arne and cakeeater.
Arne, if your shrink isn't a good fit please do shop around to find one you feel comfortable opening up to.
I can't find a shrink in my area (no competent ones) so I go the counselor and doctor route.
It's really tough at times but I'm hanging in there. Things got a lot worse when I quit drinking too, and I couldn't stay stopped without help. Now I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Arne, if your shrink isn't a good fit please do shop around to find one you feel comfortable opening up to.
I can't find a shrink in my area (no competent ones) so I go the counselor and doctor route.
It's really tough at times but I'm hanging in there. Things got a lot worse when I quit drinking too, and I couldn't stay stopped without help. Now I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 16
I literally dragged my ass to training today, for the first time in a few weeks. I had second thoughts and was making excuses for myself to go home and stay in bed all the way until warm-up started. Lying in bed worrying and feeling sorry for yourself for two, three weeks doesn't do miracles for the stamina and the training was so hard I actually thought I wouldn't make it through. But the feeling afterwards! Oh man it was so sweet! I really have to make a commitment of going two-three times a week.
I also went out last night and visited a friend. Just tea and a little chat for an hour, nothing special. But I guess it was a step in the right direction. Funny how those little things, like a chat and a training, can seem important sometimes. Babysteps I guess.
I'm also glad I found this site. It has become my first stop when going on-line. Lots of careing people around here. Thanks.
I also went out last night and visited a friend. Just tea and a little chat for an hour, nothing special. But I guess it was a step in the right direction. Funny how those little things, like a chat and a training, can seem important sometimes. Babysteps I guess.
I'm also glad I found this site. It has become my first stop when going on-line. Lots of careing people around here. Thanks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 16
An update, four months on.
I drank last Friday. It had been coming for weeks. Things had been going great and somehow I had convinced myself that maybe I wasn't an alcolholic, maybe I had overreacted. Surely I could at least try and see if I couldn't handle my drinking sensibly. It would be different now. All the funny tricks the mind plays on you. And I fell for it.
Even after the first few drinks I was confident. But soon I was back in my old liquor-zombie-state, doing crazy things and remembering why my friends nick-named me Hunter S. Thompson. Then a vague recollection of the next five hours before remembering puking in the toilet at home. Same old story but the morning-after shame and guilt even greater than usual.
So I'm back to the starting point, having learned my lesson the hard way. But the good thing is that I'm actually feeling well, I'm neither disheartened nor broken. I'm still seeing the therapist who has been very helpful once we started to get to know each other. And I'm very confident of not falling again. I'm gonna win this fight.
I drank last Friday. It had been coming for weeks. Things had been going great and somehow I had convinced myself that maybe I wasn't an alcolholic, maybe I had overreacted. Surely I could at least try and see if I couldn't handle my drinking sensibly. It would be different now. All the funny tricks the mind plays on you. And I fell for it.
Even after the first few drinks I was confident. But soon I was back in my old liquor-zombie-state, doing crazy things and remembering why my friends nick-named me Hunter S. Thompson. Then a vague recollection of the next five hours before remembering puking in the toilet at home. Same old story but the morning-after shame and guilt even greater than usual.
So I'm back to the starting point, having learned my lesson the hard way. But the good thing is that I'm actually feeling well, I'm neither disheartened nor broken. I'm still seeing the therapist who has been very helpful once we started to get to know each other. And I'm very confident of not falling again. I'm gonna win this fight.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
Arne, take strength in the FACT that you accomplished 14 months. Take strength in the fact you drank and realized you must stop. Take strength that you had the guts to post on SR, and that you are driven to come to SR in the first place.
Sobriety isn't just about not drinking.
Hunter, eh? I went to a meeting Sunday and a dude from 10,000 miles away showed up, said his name was Frank. We were discussing Bill W. and Charlie Sheen's rants, how I-have-no-problem Sheen said Bill W. was an acid head, that those in AA were losers, whiners, that his decade or so flirt with AA was over, that he had cured himself in an instant.
I said that yep, Bill W. did take LSD, with Aldous Huxley, in fact. He supposedly took it on his death bed, too, just like Huxley did.
I shared that this little ol' rock 'n roll band named the Grateful Dead and I hooked up in 1972 when I was 16, that I took some kick-a-- acid and along with the music and the drugs had found the closest thing I knew to God.
Frank said yeah, he had been to a few shows -- 500. About 200 of them, however, were straight. In fact, he came to Manila on business and looked up an AA group and had to show up. He was a Wharf Rat, that merry band of Deadheads who swore off drugs and booze and still enjoyed the tunes. He was a few days away from 10 years of sobriety.
I don't know what God is. I've only been speaking to Him or Her or It since September, when I got straight. But I can't do this sobriety business alone. I had to admit that there just might be -- that there was an inkling of possibility -- something out there, here, anywhere, a tad more powerful than myself.
Like you, I'm unique! Terminally so. I've been diagnosed as having major depression, panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder for 20 years. Booze, pot, heaps of antidepressants, an elephantine amount of tranquilizers, those were all the things I needed just to be me. Is it genetic? My first memory is of my mother's first suicide attempt. Then came the second, third -- I found her overdosed in a running car in a closed garage that time -- and the fourth when she finally got it right.
That's me, my blue genes. Depression has defined my life.
I won't bore you with my tale of getting straight, of the 10 days I spent in a shrink ward in a foreign land after going cold turkey off Klonopin and booze, of the hallucinations, seizures, the sheer hell for the week or so before I was admitted to the hospital.
I will mention that after my hospital gig I was prescribed a powerful anti-psychotic that I just tapered off of, and Depakote, too, a great little drug for people with bipolar disorder and those prone to seizures.
I still take the lowest recommend dosage of an antidepressant, and it's probably not enough. I've been to shrinks for decades, spent tens of thousands of dollars on prescriptions and therapy. I was so stoned, drunk -- droned? -- that I walked away from a professional career. I'm on disability for major depression and panic disorder.
But it wasn't until I got sober, did it on my own for the first time since I tripped into that venue to see Jerry Garcia take me to a place I'd never been before, that I saw hope for myself.
Amazingly, it took the lack of benzos and booze and pot for me to get to a point where I accepted that depression still defines my life, that I will probably have to take antidepressants all my life.
My youngest kid, a 15-year-old girl that rocks my world, is now on antidepressants.
So I'm in AA, headed to meet my sponsor in a few minutes. I thought AA was a hock of crap a decade ago when I dipped my toe in and found it ice cold.
Now, I want more from AA than perhaps it is designed to give, more than a way to stay sober, more than people who feel a little better sober and on antidepressants, or those now sober and who found they didn't need antidepressants, or those who got sober and life is now nothing but orgasms and ice cream. I haven't found that at all.
I want a way to life that enables me to deal with the hopeless, helpless feeling that has ruled my life. I want serenity, and I see it in a handful of the people who also go to AA, sitting there among the coke heads, smack suckers and booze hounds who wrecked their lives just like I did.
They've all been there, all done that. And I've gotten over the major stumbling block that prevented me from getting sober and a foundation to stay that way -- that fact that there just might be something a bit more powerful than myself. And that's what I understand Him or Her or It to be.
I think you should go to a psychiatrist and spill your guts out. If he prescribes antidepressants, I would take them. I also wish you would go to an AA meeting, dip your toe in, and have an open mind. If it's cold, remind yourself that when you jump in a cool pool your body warms to it. Just open up to the possibility that you can't stay sober longer than 14 months without someone helping you.
Maybe this God thing will be there, like he was when he sent Frank From California to Manila to cheer up a hapless soul like me. Or maybe God will be there, just like when I go to a meeting and some druggie-drunk addict drops an F bomb in the same sentence as the word God and it sounds like a hymn, speaks to me, somehow answers a spiritual question that I didn't even know I had, a phrase prettier than Garcia making that guitar chime like a church bell.
Hunter blew his brains out, too, just like my mom.
Sobriety isn't just about not drinking.
Hunter, eh? I went to a meeting Sunday and a dude from 10,000 miles away showed up, said his name was Frank. We were discussing Bill W. and Charlie Sheen's rants, how I-have-no-problem Sheen said Bill W. was an acid head, that those in AA were losers, whiners, that his decade or so flirt with AA was over, that he had cured himself in an instant.
I said that yep, Bill W. did take LSD, with Aldous Huxley, in fact. He supposedly took it on his death bed, too, just like Huxley did.
I shared that this little ol' rock 'n roll band named the Grateful Dead and I hooked up in 1972 when I was 16, that I took some kick-a-- acid and along with the music and the drugs had found the closest thing I knew to God.
Frank said yeah, he had been to a few shows -- 500. About 200 of them, however, were straight. In fact, he came to Manila on business and looked up an AA group and had to show up. He was a Wharf Rat, that merry band of Deadheads who swore off drugs and booze and still enjoyed the tunes. He was a few days away from 10 years of sobriety.
I don't know what God is. I've only been speaking to Him or Her or It since September, when I got straight. But I can't do this sobriety business alone. I had to admit that there just might be -- that there was an inkling of possibility -- something out there, here, anywhere, a tad more powerful than myself.
Like you, I'm unique! Terminally so. I've been diagnosed as having major depression, panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder for 20 years. Booze, pot, heaps of antidepressants, an elephantine amount of tranquilizers, those were all the things I needed just to be me. Is it genetic? My first memory is of my mother's first suicide attempt. Then came the second, third -- I found her overdosed in a running car in a closed garage that time -- and the fourth when she finally got it right.
That's me, my blue genes. Depression has defined my life.
I won't bore you with my tale of getting straight, of the 10 days I spent in a shrink ward in a foreign land after going cold turkey off Klonopin and booze, of the hallucinations, seizures, the sheer hell for the week or so before I was admitted to the hospital.
I will mention that after my hospital gig I was prescribed a powerful anti-psychotic that I just tapered off of, and Depakote, too, a great little drug for people with bipolar disorder and those prone to seizures.
I still take the lowest recommend dosage of an antidepressant, and it's probably not enough. I've been to shrinks for decades, spent tens of thousands of dollars on prescriptions and therapy. I was so stoned, drunk -- droned? -- that I walked away from a professional career. I'm on disability for major depression and panic disorder.
But it wasn't until I got sober, did it on my own for the first time since I tripped into that venue to see Jerry Garcia take me to a place I'd never been before, that I saw hope for myself.
Amazingly, it took the lack of benzos and booze and pot for me to get to a point where I accepted that depression still defines my life, that I will probably have to take antidepressants all my life.
My youngest kid, a 15-year-old girl that rocks my world, is now on antidepressants.
So I'm in AA, headed to meet my sponsor in a few minutes. I thought AA was a hock of crap a decade ago when I dipped my toe in and found it ice cold.
Now, I want more from AA than perhaps it is designed to give, more than a way to stay sober, more than people who feel a little better sober and on antidepressants, or those now sober and who found they didn't need antidepressants, or those who got sober and life is now nothing but orgasms and ice cream. I haven't found that at all.
I want a way to life that enables me to deal with the hopeless, helpless feeling that has ruled my life. I want serenity, and I see it in a handful of the people who also go to AA, sitting there among the coke heads, smack suckers and booze hounds who wrecked their lives just like I did.
They've all been there, all done that. And I've gotten over the major stumbling block that prevented me from getting sober and a foundation to stay that way -- that fact that there just might be something a bit more powerful than myself. And that's what I understand Him or Her or It to be.
I think you should go to a psychiatrist and spill your guts out. If he prescribes antidepressants, I would take them. I also wish you would go to an AA meeting, dip your toe in, and have an open mind. If it's cold, remind yourself that when you jump in a cool pool your body warms to it. Just open up to the possibility that you can't stay sober longer than 14 months without someone helping you.
Maybe this God thing will be there, like he was when he sent Frank From California to Manila to cheer up a hapless soul like me. Or maybe God will be there, just like when I go to a meeting and some druggie-drunk addict drops an F bomb in the same sentence as the word God and it sounds like a hymn, speaks to me, somehow answers a spiritual question that I didn't even know I had, a phrase prettier than Garcia making that guitar chime like a church bell.
Hunter blew his brains out, too, just like my mom.
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