lilac0721

I am so embarassed to be posting this. It seems that I have posted about screwing up and another day one too many times. Maybe I am doomed to succumb to this nasty disease. I really don't want to be.

I have strung together all of 2-3 days sober in a row since moving in August. Sometimes I have a binge that leads to a miserable hangover. On Saturday I vowed to quit, after 2 days of feeling completely exhausted and unable to work. I had a productive day doing chores, had a good workout and then BAM! right to the liquor store to get another bottle.

I consumed a liter of vodka over a 24 hour period. That's disgusting. I threw up all night last night (my last drink was at about 5pm yesterday). I couldn't go to work today for fear of passing out or throwing up from the withdrawal. Right now I feel ok, but I am scared to death. What the hell is wrong with me?

Oh I know the answer. I am an alcoholic. I am terribly afraid that I will get fired for missing work. I am just plain afraid.

Isaiah

Yep, you're an alcoholic, but keep in mind you're on a message board full of alcoholics. Don't even think of being embarrassed here. You've had a lot of relapses and slips? I'd be glad to challenge you to a duel to see who has more, but that would do no good.

Beyond the guilt and fear and all that, there really is no rational or logical reason to give into this disease, no matter how many times you've fallen, what you've done or what you fear might happen. There is no, zero, nil good or peace that comes from giving into alcohol. I know sometimes we think that it'll be easier if we just let ourselves drink because there's a certainty in that, but it isn't so. Alcohol will make you miserable as hell no matter what your attitude.

I wouldn't worry to much about whether you're "going to succumb" or entreat any fears of future failure. You have today and this moment. Work with what's in front of you. Get through the day, then get through tomorrow.

JackNWA

Have you tried going to a recovery type group, such as AA? I wouldn't have been able to get and stay sober without assistance from a group of like-minded people. Staying sober from one meeting to the next was the only thing that worked for me, but we are all different. Best wishes.

glitterfairy

That cycle is one of an alcoholic, question is what it will take before you finally decide enough is enough. Losing your job? Being arrested? The consequences can be devastating to your life and others. Please recognize that it needs to stop. Are you ready? I started day one over and over for years before I finally hit rock bottom. Yes, it can always get worse. I found that out the hard way, I'm still picking up the pieces and have many things that will now always follow me.
Stop now, go to a meeting, and get a sponsor.

TheEnd

I wouldn't dwell on it too much, I spent many Monday mornings dwelling about past weekend binges. It didn't make me feel any better and it didn't change anything. Time for you to figure out what you can do different this time, have you tried AA. I know a lot of people don't like it, but it works if you work it.....

lilac0721

THanks for everyone's comfort and advice. I have tried AA...been in and out of the rooms for 2 1/2 years. I am scared about attending, because I have a job that involves dealing with people who get into trouble (often for alcohol-related behavior). And I am in a small town. Screw it. I am heading out shortly for a meeting. And if I haven't fallen back to sleep, there's another one at 8pm that I'll hit.

SSIL75

I got into a bad cycle of relapsing. In retrospect, I would let myself drink b/c I figured I had quit before and I'd just quit again. It sounds so ridiculous now. It was ridiculous. Your 'alcoholic voice' (Rational Recovery) just tells you whatever you need to hear to get what it wants.

Are you working to put new things in your life to replace alcohol? new hobbies, friends, ways to deal with stress, ways to relax, treats? I know alcohol was my 'go to' for everything. I have to be very vigilent to ensure there's no place for it in my life anymore.

It's not easy but I've never been 'this' sober. So something is going right.

You'll find your way, too.

lilac0721

I like that whole concept of the "alcoholic voice." I have been working on developing healthy habits (I work out a lot, meditate sometimes and would like to do it more and eat healthy foods...unless I am boozing). The alcoholic voice will tell me such crazy things as "that was a great workout, you deserve a drink."

lilac0721

So I just got back from an AA meeting. It was my third in this new small town where I have lived since August. I felt a little out of place because I was the youngest person by a lot, but people were very kind. One man even gave me a couple trout that he'd caught yesterday. Can't wait to cook those up when I am able to eat regular food.

I am glad to say that I see the light at the end of the withdrawal tunnel. Luckily, I eat pretty healthy, take vitamins and supplements, and am pretty physically fit. Otherwise, I think the withdrawal would be a very long ordeal. I am still a bit sleepy, but not dizzy nauseous or shaky anymore.

SSIL75

Sleep tight

Isaiah

Speaking as a schizophrenic myself, always good not to listen to those voices in your head.

The alcoholic voice is just a pesky backseat driver in my life. I try my best to just tell it to shut up and keep my eyes on the road.

Good to hear you taking care of your body. Healthy bodies = healthy minds. That's a really huge leg up you can give yourself.

lilac0721

The same night that I started my binge, I learned that my former neighbor - who drove me nuts with her loud music and parties - had died that morning from liver failure. She was 41. I am 37. It scared the crap out of me, but I drank anyway.

I thank God for protecting me and am grateful to my overall desire to be healthy. If I hadn't been eating healthful foods and working out, my woes from alcohol would be more than accumulated belly fat and a rotten hangover. It could have been me who died from liver failure.

That said, since I place a high value on health, I am going to tell that alcoholic voice in my head to go to hell next time it tells me to pick up a bottle right after a great workout. Alcohol does not mix with my mental, physical, or spiritual health goals!

HideorSeek

Love this!!!!

glitterfairy

Good to know I'm not the only one hearing voices.

Lilac-You're on the right track. I love that someone gave you trout at your meeting. I bet you'll be surprised at the small town support.

I gave up caring what people knew or thought about me and now attend my local meetings.

Isaiah

Lilac,

From what I've heard, the fear of a physical death isn't itself enough to keep some people from drinking. I've heard horror stories of people drinking straight through cirrhosis to a very bitter end. All sobriety begins and ends with the mind's willingness to work at it.

Again, wonderful that you're aware of and taking care of your body. I've heard over and over that our physical self has a huge influence on our mental self, and thus our sobriety.

Spirit08

It's not your business what anyone thinks of you! GOOD DECISION. Get a Sponsor, get a group, do the steps. Most importantly, get phone numbers hun. Remember, it's an anonymous program and it works if you work it

Spirit08

Lilac, I found the Living Sober book to be extremely helpful in early recovery, and today too! Anyway, it talks a lot about taking care of yourself.

lilac0721

Yes, that book Living Sober is awesome. I also reread parts of Under the Influence, to remind myself a) that the signs of alcoholism were there from the time I was a hardcore party girl in college (who never ever got hangovers...big clue right there) and b) that alcohol dependence can wreak havoc on a person's life, and only gets worse if not addressed.

LexieCat

I'm just wondering whether there were trout in the basket when it got passed. Must be tough being the treasurer there.

Next meeting, ask who the woman is with the best sobriety there. Ask her to sponsor you and take you through the Steps. If you can work the program, the meetings are optional--you can post here for support, get a few phone numbers you can call when you need to.

Isaiah

Such an overused acronym, but I completely had a LOL moment with that.