BrownEyes88

Hello all. I'm looking for rather specific advice and I'm hoping you can help. To provide a brief backstory, I am 22 years old and have lived with a mother who is a functioning alcoholic and father who is co-dependent and actually enables her problem all of my life. My mother buys alcohol a couple of times a week and attempts to hide it around the house. She'll buy a 6 pack for the weekend and be open and honest about it, but I know for a fact she's drinking more than she says because of how she behaves while drinking and the fact that I can smell the beer in the plastic cup she attempts to hide it in. She is also depressed and sometimes takes medication for it.

I have tried everything I can possibly think of to try to get her to realize that she has a problem. I have gotten angry, I have calmly told her how much the alcohol is hurting her and the family, I have read her facts and statistics I have found, etc. She thinks that, as most HFAs do, because she holds down a job and is seemingly normal that she doesn't have a problem. My dad knows she has a problem, but he doesn't really care. He actually helps her hide the beer. He himself is a compulsive over-eater and seems to subtly encourage my mother to drink more when he wants to eat more junk. I'm am sick of dealing with all of this, and am at my wit's end. My question is, to all of the HFAs or former HFAs out there, what was it that made you realize that you have or had a problem? I love my mother and desperately want to help her. Any advice would be appreciated.

TheEnd

I had to hit bottom (many crazy binge drinking episodes that were destroying my life and relationship, mutltiple DUIS,etc...), some people never get there, and some people don't even have one in my opinion. How is alcohol affecting her life other than the fact that you don't like it?? For the information that you provided it doesn't seem to be affecting her in negative ways, so why should she quit, unless there is information that you have not posted.

jamdls

Hi Brown, it's admirable that you want to help your mother but until she wants to help herself there is no much you can do. I was a HFA, held down a good job, no legal trouble, owned my own home etc I figured my drinking was my business and I was hurting only myself. I was also a single parent to my daughter who lived with me until she was 22. My daughter never said anything about my drinking, least not that I remember, but I know that I embarassed her hundreds of times; even if she had said anything I'm almost positive it would not have changed my drinking habits and likely would have caused problems between us. I too had to hit bottom (prescription drug overdose while drunk that I don't remember even drinking the first drink) and nearly succeeded in killing myself before I stopped drinking.
The best advice I can give you is to just take care of yourself, if you can move out on your own I think that would be better for you than staying in a situation that is unhealthy for you emotionally. Your mother is not your responsibility and you really can't help her. My daughter pretty much cut off contact with me when she left home and 1 of the primary reasons why I work so hard at my recovery is with the hope that 1 day she will really forgive me for what I put her through. The day she brought me home from the hospital after the overdose I told her I was going to spend the rest of my life trying to make up for what I'd put her through because it was only then that I was beginning to realize what I'd done. It's been 3 yrs and we're still not close and I accept that we may never be but my life isn't over so I keep working at it.

BrownEyes88

It is very much affecting my mother. She has no friends, and spends the vast majority of her time outside of work sitting alone in the living room drunk or buzzed. She is unable to truly live her life. She calls family members drunk, and they know she is when she calls and they worry about her. She has fallen twice and injured herself while drunk (which she excused both times as being some of the rare times she goes "overboard"..not true) and is impossible to communicate with in this state. Is she getting multiple DUIs and hitting "rock bottom"? No, but that's not what a high-functioning alcoholic typically does if I read the definitions correctly and that's what is making this so hard.

My dad, as I mentioned in my first post, knows very well that she has a problem. I even once overheard him tell her, chuckling the whole time, that he knows she is "rotting her brain with that stuff" but that he'll be "right there with her". My mother is not a happy person. As her daughter I would like to help her, but if I have to wait for her to hit the sort of "rock bottom" felt by low-functioning alcoholics in order for her to realize the problem then it won't happen.

Thank you for your reply Jam. I have worried that I may have to take the "cut her off" route, and have been trying to avoid it. This is becoming increasingly inevitable however. It just hurts me so much.

TheEnd

You're a stuck on some misconception of what a low, high, middle functioning alcoholic really is, like that really even matters in the grand scheme of things.

Falling down twice and hurting yourself, doesn't sound too "high" functioning to me. What I was trying to explain to you, is that even though you may see it, your father sees it and the whole world sees it, until she sees it, nothing will change.

CarolD

Welcome......

I think you would benefit from attending Al anon.
It's a free resource for those who are involved with alcoholics.

We also have a Forum....Friends & Famly of Alcoholics
with information and supportive members who are or
have been in your situation.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/

Hope you will find help for yourself.

BrownEyes88

TheEnd, I know that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. I got that. I was merely wondering if there was anything that I could do to help her see the problem. If there is nothing I can do, and I really figured that there isn't but just wanted some feedback/advice, then that's ok. It hurts, but it's ok.

I'll check out the friends and family of alcoholics forum. Thanks for the recommendation CarolD.

yeahgr8

Keep posting and im sure you will get lots of help in theF&F section...

I just wanted you to be aware that terms like HFA are used by people (e.g. some people in the counselling profession etc) who dont have an understanding of addicition or addicts/alchies in complete denial...

The myth of all drunks/alchies living on a park bench drinking out of a paper bag is just that...i've met hundreds of alcoholics and all but a few have had jobs, work and family...it's important for people to see it as it is and that is alcoholism, the alcoholic still having ,or not, people, places and things is totally irrelevant...good luck:-)

SSIL75

I didn't have any big huge dramatic event that made me quit. I just got sick of the shame, feeling sick, realizing I wasn't the parent or wife my family deserved etc.

Spirit08

Wow! Great question! Thank you!

My daughter, who was 17, got in my face and told me I had a drinking problem late one night and I replied, "No I don't" with a huge slur! haha

I went to my first AA meeting the following night, after having had 2 glasses of wine of course.

Anyway, prior to going to that meeting; she would ask me to stop for one night. One night and I couldn't do it. I was pissed.

I wanted to stop, but didn't.

I was told to give it 90 days and attend 90 meetings. I did.

When the Big Book was read, and people shared, I totally identified.

What REALLY got my attention was, "as we look back on our drinking history, we see that it was the beginning of a mere fatal progression." wow. I've always been an alcoholic.

HIGH bottoms, LOW bottoms, doesn't matter, ONCE AN ALCOHOLIC, ALWAYS AN ALCOHOLIC.

Best to you my child.

Hollyanne

Hi Browneyes,
Sorry you are in this with both parents really. You sound like you are a smart person. That might be because you have been kind of minding yourself for a long time. If you cannot move out comfortably, go to AlAnon mtgs, post and read here and try and gradually wean yourself away from your parents. I am sure you love them both but they will do your head in if you try and help/fix them. As has been posted before, you cannot control this, it has to come from them. Remember you have your whole life ahead of you and my experience is (and you touched on this) if you listen at the door, they actually have their own little system going. My parents are like that. As my brother said to me when I was "chomping at the bit" wanting to fix everything. (I even rented 2 skips and filled them with rubbish from around their house) "It is not a perfect house, but it's perfect for them"
Jeeze, I hate when the whippersnapper is right and I am wrong! Ha!
They are your parents, warts and all. They probably love you to bits. You just concentrate on your happiness and create personal boundaries to protect yourself.
They actually will be very happy for you. They really do not want to hurt you.
AlAnon, Alanon, alaNon, alaNON. (see, no matter how I write it)

Isaiah

For me, I really had to hit a point where I realized I was going to lose every single thing good in my life.

Still, I do not like the whole "you have to hit bottom first" claims. I think such claims are easy to make because people always have a "bottom." There is always a worst moment to point to. I believe in intervention but I cannot tell you the best way to do so.

I know that an alcoholic who is drinking does not want to be separated from their booze. I did my best to make sure no one meddled, not because I hated their concern, but because even going out with alcohol for a while caused me anxiety and pain.

HideorSeek

BrownEyes, your post could have been written by my youngest daughter (21 now), with 2 significant exceptions...my husband was NOT enabling, and my oldest daughter basically disengaged from the situation. But my youngest (who went to AlaTeen), I think, refused to deny the situation...vacillating from cold disgust, unleashed anger, to trying her best to make me see what I was doing to my family. So, in their individual ways, they all separated from me. I agree that I had to make the commitment, but honestly, it was the look in her eyes and those letters...pleading with me to seek recovery that had a fundamental impact on me. I KNEW that I was slowly, but surely, losing them all, but it was too easy to go on day after day as if nothing was desperately wrong... Finally, the "hole in my soul" grew too large for even me to deny and I reached a fork in the road. I could either seek help, or lose everyone I loved.

I hope to God that your mother (and your father) see what they are doing to your family. You say that you have had those confrontations and discussions and I'll bet that your mother "hears" you, but is still in denial, supported by her husband. Have you talked with your Dad? If she can continue to have him "on her side", it will be harder to convince her of the severity of the situation. Again, those "family meetings" really brought home the reality of what I was doing. It was easy to avoid and deny the situation in silence, but when all of the feelings were vocalized, I couldn't deny my alcoholism any longer and got help. I do think that Alanon is a good option for you. If nothing else, you will find people in your same boat and you will not feel as if you are alone in this situation.

FWIW, I now have close to 18 months of sobriety and my relationship with my youngest is better than it has been in her entire life. So too, with the rest of my family and I thank God, every day, that I took action before it was too late.