66 days down the drain.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Fenway Park
Posts: 119
66 days down the drain.
Well, I made it 66 days, and I'm proud of that, but I blew it last night.
It's weird, I had been thinking about it all day and then decided tonight would be the night. Driving to the store, then getting out of the car to go in, all felt so familiar. I didn't even feel nervous or worried about what I was going to do, felt so normal.
Driving home I felt some sense of excitement, anticipating the drink. Made a strong mixed drink and let it sit for a few minutes. Then I started to drink it, at first it felt good. Then I started to feel like crap, I guess I tried to forget about how important sobriety is to me, and I realized what I was doing and how I was letting myself down. Started to cry at one point, realizing my lack of control. But of course I quickly pushed those emotions away, I couldn't let them get in the way of my first drink in 2 months, and it was right back to my emotionless alcoholic self. Sitting there not wanting to do something, acknowledging all the reasons I should not drink, and then doing it anyway still blows my mind.
I suppose the only positive side of it is that I was able to limit my intake to 6 drinks, between 7pm-1am. Usually I would have put down 15-20. But I guess that really doesn't matter since I failed the real test of control.
I think my favorite part of my sobriety was not having to hide. Now I feel like I have to hide this slip-up, that makes me feel sick.
Well, just venting, really know where else to go.
-Save
It's weird, I had been thinking about it all day and then decided tonight would be the night. Driving to the store, then getting out of the car to go in, all felt so familiar. I didn't even feel nervous or worried about what I was going to do, felt so normal.
Driving home I felt some sense of excitement, anticipating the drink. Made a strong mixed drink and let it sit for a few minutes. Then I started to drink it, at first it felt good. Then I started to feel like crap, I guess I tried to forget about how important sobriety is to me, and I realized what I was doing and how I was letting myself down. Started to cry at one point, realizing my lack of control. But of course I quickly pushed those emotions away, I couldn't let them get in the way of my first drink in 2 months, and it was right back to my emotionless alcoholic self. Sitting there not wanting to do something, acknowledging all the reasons I should not drink, and then doing it anyway still blows my mind.
I suppose the only positive side of it is that I was able to limit my intake to 6 drinks, between 7pm-1am. Usually I would have put down 15-20. But I guess that really doesn't matter since I failed the real test of control.
I think my favorite part of my sobriety was not having to hide. Now I feel like I have to hide this slip-up, that makes me feel sick.
Well, just venting, really know where else to go.
-Save
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 889
It's OK man... We've all been there. Alcohol is so powerful. I have been there so many times. Fighting off real cravings and then 30 days in getting a tickle of a craving and thinking, it will be OK, I'll just quit again.. The first drink is typically great, and then madness from there... Sorry you caved, you're not alone... Just pick up where you left off and do your best!
non-drinker
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,841
Those 66 days didn't "go down the drain", those were 66 days that you didn't put the poison into your system. Look at it as a positive and build on it for the future. You can do this! Just get up, dust yourself off, and try again.
Attended By a Single Hound
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: England
Posts: 425
I went almost two years clean then in July stuck a needle in my arm and used for two days. Are the last two years down the drain for me? Not in the least. So I tripped up...assessed the damage and thanked my lucky stars nothing was broken, I wasn't dead...great, I can get back on my feet and keep going. I also learnt from the experience of tripping. One thing I learned from the guys off here that has improved my life genuinly is how to recognise when I'm falling into old thought patterns / junk logic that is only gonna' lead me down one road. Can you recognise those signs? What you've posted above describes the pattern the 'relapse' followed, emotionally and literally...so you're at the very least begining to identify / recognise that process...that's good; you'll know better what to look out for, right? Looks like both of us are in a better position to navigate thehurdles that seem like they're there to trip us, huh. I don't advocate 'relapse' as a recovery tool, but if it happens then looking back for too long will only blind us to what's in front of us as we move forward...i.e make us more likely to trip again. Assess the damage, collect y'thoughts and keep moving.
As well, I posted about my 'relapse'...not for advice actually or even forgiveness and definetly not sympathy, but simply to be honest...to be upfront, so I couldnt lie to myself, hide it, bury it or avoid the fact I had used. Its hard to lie to y'self if y'honest with everyone else. You've posted too...so, who's hiding?
66 days down the drain? I don't think so, not personally. You drank, yet here you are...being honest, open, articulate and self reflective. Word I'd use to describe it as is 'learning'. Seems out of this negative you've already managed to glean positive, and kudos to you for it, keep going, savexourxship...we don't fail 'till we stop trying.
As well, I posted about my 'relapse'...not for advice actually or even forgiveness and definetly not sympathy, but simply to be honest...to be upfront, so I couldnt lie to myself, hide it, bury it or avoid the fact I had used. Its hard to lie to y'self if y'honest with everyone else. You've posted too...so, who's hiding?
66 days down the drain? I don't think so, not personally. You drank, yet here you are...being honest, open, articulate and self reflective. Word I'd use to describe it as is 'learning'. Seems out of this negative you've already managed to glean positive, and kudos to you for it, keep going, savexourxship...we don't fail 'till we stop trying.
Sept 30, 2010
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Southern California
Posts: 1,672
I did the exact same thing a few months ago. I had abstained for over 100 days so I figured what the heck, I will get a small bottle of scotch, drink just a little bit over the weekend, and get back on the wagon on Monday. I knew exactly what I was doing, what I was trowing away, rationalize it to the end, and did it anyways.
To make a long story short, instead of two days, it took me 5 weeks to get back. I was functioning the entire time, but by the fourth week I was so sick I had to keep going for another week to taper off.
Well here I am again. Looking forwards to the next few years. I am done for good.
To make a long story short, instead of two days, it took me 5 weeks to get back. I was functioning the entire time, but by the fourth week I was so sick I had to keep going for another week to taper off.
Well here I am again. Looking forwards to the next few years. I am done for good.
Right Where I am Suppose to be
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 380
Thank you for ure honesty 
You had a slip, that was yesterday, today is a new day, pick ure self up & start again,all the things u have learned over ure 66 days will stand to you! & Most of all thank you for reminding us its always there for all of us, & exactly how it feels.
You had a slip, that was yesterday, today is a new day, pick ure self up & start again,all the things u have learned over ure 66 days will stand to you! & Most of all thank you for reminding us its always there for all of us, & exactly how it feels.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: london
Posts: 24
Hi Bud, you know there is always positives to come out of any situation, and this is valuable, you said "how normal it felt" and then how guilty it was and how yr emotions were all over the place, the good thing is in the time you had the AA seed was planted and started to grow to which affected yr emotions/head, pick yourself back up you have done it before and this time learn the lesson you just had, get yourseld back to a meeting and own this! once you have a great sense of relief will pass through you and yr reecovery will be far stronger, get down on yr knees and get contact with yr higher power, get a sponsor and get through the big book it works it really does, keep strong my friend....Keith
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
savexourxship......
Many of us had false starts before we finally quit.
I had countless Day One's....it was very frustrating.
I certainly hope you plan on starting again.
Take that former sober time...use it as a base
add things that can benefit you.
We can and do recover!
Many of us had false starts before we finally quit.
I had countless Day One's....it was very frustrating.
I certainly hope you plan on starting again.
Take that former sober time...use it as a base
add things that can benefit you.
We can and do recover!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Must be the full moon!!! Get back on the wagon and join the rest of us! And could the rest of you take our word for it? It is hideous!!!!!!!!!!! Do not do it! It is not even a buzz! But I still have enormous hope. Isn't that funny?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
One thing.
This may or may not be important.
I went to planning and thinking of drinking until I felt that it was inevitable.
Shut down the conversation! Do not go there!
Not now buddy, will have to get back to you!
Change the channel!!!!
This may or may not be important.
I went to planning and thinking of drinking until I felt that it was inevitable.
Shut down the conversation! Do not go there!
Not now buddy, will have to get back to you!
Change the channel!!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
You're still well on your way Save. Don't let it get you down, like BeerLover said. You had 66 days that you didn't put poison into your body. Keep that in mind as you start again and get your momentum back.
Dismember
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
My first reaction to seeing the title of this thread was the same, those days were not wasted!
Imagine someone goes sober their whole life, 40 years of sobriety let's say, then drinks right at the end. Surely we can't consider that a waste of those 40 years? Tempting as it is to treat earlier and shorter sobriety differently, it really isn't.
Imagine someone goes sober their whole life, 40 years of sobriety let's say, then drinks right at the end. Surely we can't consider that a waste of those 40 years? Tempting as it is to treat earlier and shorter sobriety differently, it really isn't.
The New Me starting 1/11/09
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: California
Posts: 678
A slip is just learning another thing that doesn't work ... and this is valuable.
I find it helpful to focus on the "thinking" that you were having before the slip. Then, decide on how you want to respond in the future if you ever have that thinking again.
For me, it is "go straight to an AA meeting and call my sponsor", but for others it may be going for a walk or getting out of self-exile.
Know that you will probably have this thinking again, so you need to create automatic responses that are healthy. As my sponsor says "we have a broken thinker" so when the chips are down, we need to depend on others to do the thinking for us.
Use SR. This is a great resource.
I find it helpful to focus on the "thinking" that you were having before the slip. Then, decide on how you want to respond in the future if you ever have that thinking again.
For me, it is "go straight to an AA meeting and call my sponsor", but for others it may be going for a walk or getting out of self-exile.
Know that you will probably have this thinking again, so you need to create automatic responses that are healthy. As my sponsor says "we have a broken thinker" so when the chips are down, we need to depend on others to do the thinking for us.
Use SR. This is a great resource.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Fenway Park
Posts: 119
Thank you all for the encouragement, I really appreciate it.
I guess I feel like that time was wasted because I feel I didn't learn anything. I lived those days not thinking about long term sobriety, just doing a decent stint. Somehow trying to justify drinking again to myself. I never committed myself to full sobriety, I knew the whole time I was going to drink again. To me that sounds awful. But as time passed it grew more important to me to stay sober. I don't really know it was for sure that made me do it. I suppose I was getting bored again. Can't find work, after eliminating old friends that were triggers I feel like I have nothing left. I know everyone says I need to goto AA. Honestly, a big part of me just doesn't want to go, I really don't know why or what it is that makes me feel that way. I know that I am still embarrassed about all this and I am still having trouble accepting that an alcohol abuse problem has caused so many problems and other negative issues in my life. I think in a way I am afraid to fully accept that I'm an alcoholic, because then I feel like I'm just going to struggle all my life with it. Live a lonely and miserable existence and then die young like all the other drinkers in the family. I guess I'm just rambling now. I came here to be honest, because I feel like I can't goto anyone in my family or friends. I put them all through too much, and scared them half to death with my past struggles. I think it would be too much for them for me to slip, even though its reasonable for this to happen. I know people who goto the AA meetings around here, and basically I don't want to be seen. I'm still ashamed to be in this position, even though I feel its not something to be ashamed about. Pretty scary too, I was going to try going to a particular meeting the other night, ended up being a murder right outside the building, poor guy just trying to goto AA stabbed to death. Same church I was going to go to.
Who knows, maybe its time to at least start with a private counselor or something.
-Save
I guess I feel like that time was wasted because I feel I didn't learn anything. I lived those days not thinking about long term sobriety, just doing a decent stint. Somehow trying to justify drinking again to myself. I never committed myself to full sobriety, I knew the whole time I was going to drink again. To me that sounds awful. But as time passed it grew more important to me to stay sober. I don't really know it was for sure that made me do it. I suppose I was getting bored again. Can't find work, after eliminating old friends that were triggers I feel like I have nothing left. I know everyone says I need to goto AA. Honestly, a big part of me just doesn't want to go, I really don't know why or what it is that makes me feel that way. I know that I am still embarrassed about all this and I am still having trouble accepting that an alcohol abuse problem has caused so many problems and other negative issues in my life. I think in a way I am afraid to fully accept that I'm an alcoholic, because then I feel like I'm just going to struggle all my life with it. Live a lonely and miserable existence and then die young like all the other drinkers in the family. I guess I'm just rambling now. I came here to be honest, because I feel like I can't goto anyone in my family or friends. I put them all through too much, and scared them half to death with my past struggles. I think it would be too much for them for me to slip, even though its reasonable for this to happen. I know people who goto the AA meetings around here, and basically I don't want to be seen. I'm still ashamed to be in this position, even though I feel its not something to be ashamed about. Pretty scary too, I was going to try going to a particular meeting the other night, ended up being a murder right outside the building, poor guy just trying to goto AA stabbed to death. Same church I was going to go to.
Who knows, maybe its time to at least start with a private counselor or something.
-Save
non-drinker
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,841
Your post really explains a lot. There are lots of alternatives to AA. I've been able to recover without a formal program. No matter what program you use or whether you decide to go it alone, the common first step is admitting to yourself that you have a problem. For me, it was the single hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, but it's also turned out to be the best thing that's ever happened to me as well. Whatever you choose, please keep trying. The end results could save your life.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Your friends in AA would be happy to take you to a meeting or two, trust me. The biggest impression I got from my first meeting was an overwhelming sense of HOPE and that plenty of people just like me found themselves in serious trouble with booze. We aren't awful human beings. There is just something wrong with us that makes us unable to drink. We learn to live happily without it.
It's a shame about the guy who was stabbed, but it doesn't sound like it had anything to do with AA--there are other meetings, or you can go with others to feel safer.
It's a shame about the guy who was stabbed, but it doesn't sound like it had anything to do with AA--there are other meetings, or you can go with others to feel safer.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
