Hollyanne

First time starting a thread.
Was on day 29, had constant obsession with drinking for the past few days. Was planning a binge. When could I fit it in? How would I get away with it? I had scheduled meetings with 2 very sober wonderful people. Did not want to disappoint them but it seemed inevitable. Have a bad cold and went to meeting on my own and shared about my obsession at same. The topic after the speaker was very much on obsession/ cravings etc.
Well that would be great except with sicko here, it did not work! I drove off home, stopped and bought a bottle of brandy and proceeded to drink.
I missed a call from my sober friend, my brother and then woke up and was devastated (surprise!). I had some left so I tossed the remainder into pint glass of coke and finished it. I actually met an AA guy in the store and made chitchat!!!! Cunning....
Well yesterday, I came clean and eventually agreed to go to a meeting and was a blubbering mess most of the evening. I did feel better after crying. I told my sis who was very kind.
I feel like a complete looser!!!!!! I am disgusted and scared. I need to get this right as I need to start looking for work and living normally! I cannot do my job like this. Not fair to others. I just couldn't get the effing thing out of my head!
I hope by writing this, I will regain momentum. I am actually repulsed by drink right now! I am wondering if it could be effective as a kind of cure as in, the old fashioned make the kid smoke the whole pack and be so sick they never touch it again? I am very sad as I wanted this so much. It was just really strong craving. Mental/ emotional obsession. Very lonely. Anyhoo, thanks for letting me rant.

Dee74

I used to plan my drinking from a fair way out too Hollyanne but then I realised that meant I nearly always had a chance to do right by myself & tell on myself and seek help before it was too late.

I hope this time can be your time - make some different, and better choices - you can do this

D

OCGirly

I just went thru the same thing. I had 30something days the other week and started obsessing over drinking and went out and drank and felt full if shame,guilt, being scared and like a huge loser for what I had done and continued thru out the week to try and numb myself of those feelings. Today though is day 2 and I'm glad I am back on track. The feeling of being a loser will fade away as you get sober again and hopefully learn from the mistake made.

doggonecarl

I recall struggling at the 30-day mark myself, Holly, and remember posting about how milestones could become a trigger for relapse. I made it through day 30 and since then the obession was quieted a good bit. I do, however, think about drinking A LOT! But thinkin' isn't drinkin' if I don't pick up that first one. Good luck on the next 30.

tjp613

Hollyanne and OC - If it means anything to you at all, I just want to say how much I appreciate your posts. I've only got 16 days but have had a rough week and came pretty close to drinking. The thing that has kept me sober is knowing I'd feel the exact way you have posted about here...so you have reinforced MY sobriety as well as your own desire to quit for good.

So, even if the lesson was painful, it was useful for all of us and I thank you so much for sharing.

CarolD

I too had many false starts after I decided to quit.
I was in AA 5 years before I earned a 1year medallion.

I remember feeling like a loser too....but I was not.
I was figureing out how to be sober and stay that way...
Each time I returned to drinking...it was shorter
than the times before...the AA periods longer.

When I began working the AA Steps....I felt a shift
from often shakey sobriety into solid recovery.

To anyone useing AA....I certainly hope you will return
and get into our Steps. That is the AA program.

Forward we go ...side by side

JackNWA

You're not a loser. From my point of view, we are sick people trying to get better. Keep trying is the key.

sampar

With every journey , we must start with the first step!!!!
You say u are going to meetings, U never mentioned anything about Your HP, a sponsor or the Steps???
I honestly believe that going to meetings arent enough, if u read the BB you will see Bill & Bob didnt hang around but got on the steps & did service straight away!
I never thought i would get sober I am 21months sober now & everything is falling into place, i did everything that was suggested to me, I believe Alcoholism is death i choose to live, for me!!! The benefits of my soberity my family relish in!!
I wish you all the best for your Journey.

Kerbcrawler

sounds like your pretty hard on yourself about the whole deal..but in that shows the great desire you have to quit and stay quit, did the very same thing weeks back..after a good spell of sobriety...and it hurt big time..enough so to make me even more determined and extra vigilant against on my part slacking off,and getting a little casually complaceant, its tough at times thats for sure..am back on 2 weeks,keep at it, best of luck.

Hollyanne

Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement. I have a hard time ahead. I am getting it from all sides at the moment. Feel very misunderstood and alone. Feel like hiding under a rock!

Dee74

You'll always find people here who understand Hollyanne

D

discoveringme

Hollyanne, cant tell ya how many times i've been in the very same situation. This time tho..I ran over a cable box while backing out my mothers driveway attempting to drive drunk....thought how easily it could have been my nephews two year old child.....that did it for me. Im on day 59 now. Going to AA/Na regularly and therapy. It took that for me. I guess we all have to get to the "enuf is enuf place" which is different for each of us, and even then.....only one day at a time. I wish you only the best and pray that your "enuf" is here!!

artsoul

Here's a hug:ghug3 - Remember that you did good for 29 days.... (I definitely had a hard time at 30 days myself). Take that with you as you begin again, and remember that the longer you stay sober, the better/easier it will get. Give it more time - the obsessive thinking doesn't always go away in a month. But that's all it is - just the old obsessive thinking. Let your sanity win out.

When the urges come up, get on here and read, read, read. It will remind you of why you're doing this and you'll get the support you need to get through the craving. AA's great too, but sometimes you need to stop those urges right away before they start to take root.

You can do this!

discoveringme

Hollyanne: I had one more thought...i dunno if it would be appropriate for you or not but worked a miracle for me. Talk to your doc, but I started Ativan on day 2. It has been a miracle for me. My psychiatrist said even tho it can be addictive itself..it will calm the receptors for a time and help get thru the first month or two dealing with the cravings and obsessions and anxiety. I am soooo much calmer and able to cope with the cravings..actually I havent hardly had any cravings. Like I said it may not be for you, but you could talk to a professional about it. Just a brainstorm idea..

SSIL75

This is SO true. Check out Rational Recovery's AVRT, too. It talks about identifying your 'alcoholic voice' and learning how to ignore it. It's such a simple, obvious thing but it's hugely helpful to me when my mind starts going off on tangents about 'acceptable' circumstances under which I can drink. Once a year! A trip to Vegas! It's all nonsense. And if I can't shut 'it' down immediately (my annual girls trip fantasy was hanging in there for a bit), I can at least tell 'it' to get back to me in 2 weeks and I'll have an updated answer by then Like you do with a pesky child. That's all it is. A childish, underdeveloped, utterly self-serving voice with no power unless I feed it wine

Keep moving forward!

Hollyanne

Just wrote a long, long explanation of why I am upset. I figured by the time I got to the baseball bat, that it would be removed so I deleted it all. I did feel better for writing it though.
My mother is giving away her stake in her childhood home to her brother. She will not discuss it. She sits dumbly and ignores anything we have to say. They went bankrupt 20 yrs ago and have been a mental/emotional/financial drain on the family since.
(One sister in particular continuously runs to their aid at considerable inconvenience to herself and her husband and now children. She also payed for private health insurance for the last 20 yrs out of her pocket and has given them 2 good cars and I gave them one also) I have been out of the country since "91. My other sis is also abroad with husband and 2 children) Everyone pussyfoots around them. They have done untold damage to us in their time. They are in my opinion ridiculously lucky to have any contact with their family. Unbelieveably, my youngest brother lives with them and is not in the better of it. Although he thinks he is a stellar example of mental health! (love him to bits) They are still the same sick people. They do not acknowledge or discuss any of our past. My mother goes on and on about things she did for people 45yrs ago and conveniently forgets anything anyone else does. She believes she is the ultimate victim.
The problem is, in my opinion that she did not do as much as she says. She has suffered but an awful lot of it was from going along with her lunatic husband who was/is a violent, unstable alcoholic who finally gave up drink when faced with committal 20yrs ago, as the sheriffs circled to take their home and business away after wild and manic "management" let to it's catastrophic demise. We all worked hard and wasted many hours contributing to their businesses. (whole other rant)
We were regularily and senselessly beaten by our father into our 20s and threatened up to the present time. My mother did not get beaten which is a problem as she does not quite "get it". She actually likes to regularily refer to my aunt's terrible treatment of her children with a stick!!!! Curiously my aunt is pretty much adored by her children while I am in awe at my bad luck! I have stopped her from recounting that little ditty now, although she does try.
I moved back to Ireland recently and took care of the little matter of the 86yr old cousin of my father who has lived with us all our lives. He was dying. While I swore I was not going to be the one who put him in a nursing home, I was in fact soon to be driving the reluctant and stunned old guy to a Nursing home!!! Do not get me wrong, he had absolutely NO business in a house with 2 80yr olds minding him. (My brother and sister also were involved but they were working etc.) They (my parents) are entitled to that. He has made a remarkable recovery and is doing great now. My brother and myself are the 2 reg visitors and my parents go every couple of weeks. It is a whole 25mins drive so I guess they just do not like visiting their future home! They have moved on well, God bless them.
I had a pointless ugly stupid converstaion with my mother yesterday re said property transaction. I am in awe after all they have done, that she wants to give it away that easily. She likes to say, "I can't take it with me" Neither can my uncle!!!!!!!
Meanwhile, the issue is very deep. There is some very deep resentment from my mother about her children. Her brother is HER family and we are all MY FATHER"S family. Very weird. I can understand (do not agree though), if she wants the huse to stay in her maiden name but you can still have it valued and do it right. She says that her brother gave her money (she actually says he gave it to "daddy") so she owes him. My question is why not have payed him back before now? They have plenty of money.
Also, it was only after me promising to get her a lawyer, and shaking her out unknowingly that she broke it to my poor sister home for family hols!!!! I honestly think the plan was, she would die BEFORE we found out so she would not have to face us. Non confrontation all the way. She is very sneaky and has a way of doing what she wants. My mother has a problem with women IMO. Also both of them lost same sex parent. my mother had no sisters. My father's mother was very hard and his father died when he was 11 and he took over as man of the house as was done back then.
Well rant, rant, rant.
All I wish is that I had kind, supportive, sane parents. I GOT THEM INSTEAD!.

I am 41yrs old and need to get A GRIP! I do not want to have anything to do with them. It is so sad. I am just not interested in having a fake relationship based on BS. I really do not need these toxic destructive hurtful people in my life. I need to grow up and that is what I need advice on.
Please, if anyone has had similar experiences and managed to move on, I would love to hear from you.
ps, day 2.

HideorSeek

HollyAnne, I feel for you trying to deal with all of this AND get sober simultaneously. IMHO, your best option is to focus on you and your sobriety right now. Hard as it is, try to put these family issues on the back burner. You will be amazed at the mental clarity that comes with sobriety, particularly if you join a f2f recovery group and follow a proscribed program. There is a reason that AA has the slogans "Take it easy" and "Keep it Simple".

Focus and you now and the rest will come.

SSIL75

I agree with the PP.

Also IME if you cut toxic people out of your life you have to be careful to replace them with something, anything. Otherwise you'll leave a vacuum and they might get sucked back in. It could be the time you spend on your sobriety, a new hobby. Anything. But I've always failed in changing my life when I've just tried to STOP something. Without actively working to put something else in its place.

AlcoholicOrNot

Hollyanne, I'm sure this thread could grow mighty large if everyone posted similar family experiences. Everyone has a story, including me.

I'll spare you and everyone else on the details but like yourself, it has caused much pain for me, my brothers, mother, etc.

There are many lessons to be learned from the experiences and each lesson makes us a just a little bit wiser.

I'd spent a lot of time, energy, and emotions trying to convince / influence the decisions of individual family members without getting anywhere.
What did I achieve? Tiredness, frustration, and heightened animosity.

My solution: To redirect my time, energy, and resources to things in my life I could control, namely:

1. and quite possibly the most important, my attitude. My attitude towards others, myself, and life's ups & downs;
2. myself...without sounding selfish, I recognized that nobody would be be giving me anything on a "silver platter" so I'd best take the necessary steps to survive on my own;

It's taken me a long, long time, but I'm in control. I see family members who I want to see, when I want to see them.

I'm financially secure and don't need anything from anyone.

Sort of reminds me of a Charlie Daniels song called "Long-haired Country Boy".

"I don't want nothin' from no one, if I can't get it on my own.
If you don't like the way I'm livin',
you just leave this long-haired country boy alone".

And lastly, that's your mother & father you are talking about. Yes, they may say and do things to hurt you (although, there's no excuse for physical abuse and it is NOT acceptable), they will always be your parents.

To quote another song by Stephen Stills, "Love the One You're With".

I do understand.

Hollyanne

Already, I am getting help. love this place. thanks, I am in AA but I am driving them nuts. I am either the class clown or recounting my past. All sorts of stuff, that should not be the first thing out of me. Just read really good article posted by someone here by Caroline Wyss about "Woundology".
I am going out now for a walk and it is a beautiful day. I walked out on my AA peeps last night because they were killing me and walked out on mother yesterday and called my aunt to decline wedding invite for today!!! Am I on a roll?! I am going to go out now and throw stones at ducks! OK maybe not, i will bring along some bread and throw that instead.