missb89

I posted this on the F&F forum where I usually post, but I thought I should post it here too
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I don't know how to go about posting this. I was reading through the excerpts from "Under the Influence" and it's really got me scared... I didn't want to think about it or admit it to myself but I am genuinely worried. I will give you the run down of my drinking first. I am 21 years old. I go out with my friends who are all partiers three or four times a month, but I don't see many of them any other time besides when drinking. I can drink a lot, and still act normally. The past few times that I've went out, I've blacked out at least 30 minutes of the night, usually right before bed. My hangovers have lately gotten to the point where I have panic attacks the whole next day, and cannot think clearly and just feel completely off.

I have not progressed to the point yet to where I abandon my daughter, or put drinking before her or anybody else in my life. I do not feel emotionally eroded yet. I just feel embarrassed and scared. When I do get the chance to go out I get out of control. I tried to rationalize this by saying that I never get to go out, so I try to take as much advantage of my freedom while I am out. I am starting to see how this is not normal. I feel like a fraud for posting here while all the while hiding my problem to myself, and the people here. Just reading those excerpts about how my cells probably have been adapting the whole time since I ever started drinking, before any of the negative effects even showed up. This terrifies me. I am still not sure if I am indeed an alcoholic, or just a problem drinker.

I have looked into problem drinking and am hoping that is what I am. But I haven't a clue. Thinking about quitting drinking forever does scare me. I feel like a hypocrite for focusing so much on XABF and AF and not on myself. Was I so disgusted with their drinking because I saw the possibility in myself to end up that way? I don't know what to think right now but I do know I need to buy that book and read it all.

Dee74

hi missb

it never good to be blacking out, but I think it is good you're facing up to your concerns now...you'll find a lot of support on this side of the board too.

I think no matter what you ultimately decide you are - problem drinker or whatever - if your drinking worries you, you're in the right place and among friends here

Welcome

Have you any plan for where to go to from here?
D

CarolD

Welcome to our Alcoholism Forum.....

Yes..."Under The Influence" convinced me to quit
Not every section applied to me...but I sure related
to a lot of them.
Especially the parts about Blackouts and how I was no
longer able to process alcohol correctly.

I took that info....re-connected to my God and AA
have not had another drink.

There are many ways to stay quit....some members don't do
AA and they too are happily successfully sober.
.
Please remember......
there is no wrong way to find a productive healthy future.

All my best to you and your daughter...

Isaiah

A lot of addiction specialists are turning away from the alcoholic/not-an-alcoholic divide. Some use five different categories. Alcoholism is not like having a broken foot to be found in an x-ray. It's more like depression, it only becomes an illness when it starts creating problems.

Blackouts and morning anxiety are the hallmarks of my alcoholism, but I guess I'd be curious to know if you can just cut back at parties? Skip a round and have a soda? You may be more influenced by the environment of the parties instead of a chemical dependency?

missb89

When I get to a party, a concert, ect. I have social anxiety so my first thought is to down a few drinks to feel more comfortable and to be able to open up. I am very shy due to extreme insecurity. I do not have as much fun at a concert, event sober, as I do drunk. I also used to experiment with drugs like X and acid, cocaine, ect. from 14-19. Not every day, but the same way with drinking, as a binge. I did them in excess. I don't know how I quit them without rehab, I honestly just got tired of them and do not miss them at all, and they are not a struggle for me. I just recently quit smoking pot a few months ago, and I did that nearly every day. I do believe I have an addictive personality as I also over-eat and just look for any way to distract myself. My father is either in middle or late stage alcoholism as well.

I can moderate with drinking if I want to. I have gone out this past month and only had one or two drinks but only because I HAD to because I drove my car there, or I promised I'd be home at 8, and I need to take good care of my child. But to be completely honest me saying that I only go out with friends 3 times a month doesn't make it any better because I am counting down my head until the next time I get to go out again. I told one of my friends about this and she said she doesn't think it's entirely about alcohol, that it's also about the extreme change that motherhood brought and that I miss my freedom, and being able to go out with friends, so I count down the days until I can again. I think she is right in some ways, but in other ways beyond looking forward to going out I am looking forward to going out AND drinking. Now maybe this wouldn't be the case if I actually had a friend that was willing to go do ANYTHING besides drink on a Friday night. I would be more than willing to see a movie, or stay home and watch movies, or whatever. Sorry I am rambling but my mind is in fast-forward mode right now trying to figure out what's going on. I am always way ahead of the moment in everything in life, not just planning going out. Try planning my entire future out in my head. I over analyze everything. Have I also mentioned I'm a raging codependent?

Spirit08

Our bodies are quite as sick as our minds.

The way to make it easy for you is to answer this question in The Big Book Page 44, Chapter 1:...1st. Edition

If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amunt you take, you are probably alcoholic.

Remember, the illness is self-diagnosed.

artsoul

Hi missb - I admire you for taking a look at your drinking, especially because it runs in your family, as it did in mine. The Big Book of AA suggests that people who are unsure about being alcoholics perform an experiment: decide on a period of time, like a month or two, and abstain from drinking. If you find that you can't do it (or are totally miserable), you may have the same obsession/addiction we do.

Blackouts are a definite red flag, of course.

Glad you're looking into it!:ghug3

AlcoholicOrNot

Hi MissB89,

Welcome to SR and thanks for your post.

It's a beautiful baby picture!

Seems like you've got multiple things going on. It's best to address them one at a time.

Why not take artsoul's recommendation and try abstaining for a period?

missb89

Thank you for your advice. I am going to abstain. I have told my friends and none of them take me seriously. The responses I got were "I'll drink to that!" But that should be expected because I've only hung out with other addicts for the past 6 years of my life. I know that I'll hardly have anyone to hang out with now. I want to attend an AA meeting, but the codependent in me is scared and doesn't want to go alone lol. I do realize that I have a problem at this second, I am coming to terms with it the more that I think about it but I keep going back and forth in denial of not ever being able to drink again. Either way I figure if I don't have a problem then abstaining shouldn't hurt, and even if I'm not a textbook alcoholic, I am still dealing with depression and anxiety and alcohol is only going to hinder my recovery from those things. I want to talk to some people at AA about this although I do not know how meetings work so maybe it would be inappropriate to ask for advice. I just know I need to get myself to try out a meeting.

Thanks for the picture comment, that's my lovely 5 month old daughter.

firestorm090

One of the best features about recovery is that we can always go back to the crap we had before.

On the flipside, we never know how we are sober till we get sober and try life that way.

Life while not getting drunk is life, but I'd have never known it while drunk. I thought while drunk that I was alive, but it was only a dream.

LexieCat

Missb,

Here's a cool page that explains what to expect at your first AA meeting. Usually people don't ask for, or give, advice directly at the meeting, though you could share that you are new and trying to figure out where you belong, and chances are that quite a few of the shares might be aimed at your concern.

Before and after the meetings (20 minutes before/20 after) is when you can snag other members and ask questions to your heart's content.

Best idea is to get a sponsor as soon as possible. She will be your "go-to" person with questions and personal issues, though you are free to (and encouraged to) talk with other alcoholics, as well.