Advice needed: How do you tell someone you are an alcoholic?
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Montreal, Canada
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Advice needed: How do you tell someone you are an alcoholic?
I am just wondering how to tell someone that you are an alcoholic. In particular, I would like to start dating again and it seems like most of the first meetings with a potential person ends up being a drink at a bar (well there are some occasions where it's a coffee).
I am trying to figure this out because it can potentially be a deal breaker with someone that does not understand the disease. I am doing alot better in my recovery and I am feeling like I would like to spend some time with someone now but the alcohol thing might make it difficult.
I am a young guy and just don't know what a girl would think if I say well I don't drink because I am an alcoholic. I mean if I was not an alcoholic I would probably be scared off too.
Anyone have experience with this?
Thx
I am trying to figure this out because it can potentially be a deal breaker with someone that does not understand the disease. I am doing alot better in my recovery and I am feeling like I would like to spend some time with someone now but the alcohol thing might make it difficult.
I am a young guy and just don't know what a girl would think if I say well I don't drink because I am an alcoholic. I mean if I was not an alcoholic I would probably be scared off too.
Anyone have experience with this?
Thx
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Try this...
when you ask them out.... suggest places where drinking
is not present.....think movies and a coffee house.
I've never made a secret of being a non drinker
I tell anyone who will listen....
Many single AA members date each other ...best results
are after they have finished their formal AA steps.
Hope you are doing well......
when you ask them out.... suggest places where drinking
is not present.....think movies and a coffee house.
I've never made a secret of being a non drinker
I tell anyone who will listen....
Many single AA members date each other ...best results
are after they have finished their formal AA steps.
Hope you are doing well......
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Hi after doing a load of work on myself and working the steps of AA...about a year sober...i met someone who isn't an alcoholic and on the 3rd date i broached the subject in a subtle way and she proceeded to tell me that she thought that alcoholism is a load of rubbish and at the end of the day everyoine has a choice and its just being weak willed so expect some comments like that initially...
I had already told her i dont drink and by the next date she bought up the subject, not asking me straight out or anything but she was interested so we started talking about it and i started mentioning the spiritual path i was on and she was the same...turns out she doesnt hardly drink at all...
Anyways 4 months later and im still with her...
Its easy to explain alcoholism if you understand yourself and what it is...its difficult to explain and expect a response other than the one she gave me initially if i had just put the drink down and changed nothing else because that does imply that it is a matter of will power which it most certainly is not for an alcoholic.
Bottom line is when you have changed and you know yourself better you will have no problems with this at all regardless of whether you think it is a big deal...i thought the same and you will find it is not:-)
Oh and the irrational fears about intimacy in sobriety are just that irrational fears...i was so worried about being intimate it wasn't funny...its very different and lots better than before because we actually have some feelings and emotions now that we haven't deadended with booze but honestly its absolutely no big deal at all...crazy lñooking back at how worried i was about that but understandable too...
I had already told her i dont drink and by the next date she bought up the subject, not asking me straight out or anything but she was interested so we started talking about it and i started mentioning the spiritual path i was on and she was the same...turns out she doesnt hardly drink at all...
Anyways 4 months later and im still with her...
Its easy to explain alcoholism if you understand yourself and what it is...its difficult to explain and expect a response other than the one she gave me initially if i had just put the drink down and changed nothing else because that does imply that it is a matter of will power which it most certainly is not for an alcoholic.
Bottom line is when you have changed and you know yourself better you will have no problems with this at all regardless of whether you think it is a big deal...i thought the same and you will find it is not:-)
Oh and the irrational fears about intimacy in sobriety are just that irrational fears...i was so worried about being intimate it wasn't funny...its very different and lots better than before because we actually have some feelings and emotions now that we haven't deadended with booze but honestly its absolutely no big deal at all...crazy lñooking back at how worried i was about that but understandable too...
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Montreal, Canada
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by yeahgr8 
i met someone who isn't an alcoholic and on the 3rd date i broached the subject in a subtle way and she proceeded to tell me that she thought that alcoholism is a load of rubbish and at the end of the day everyoine has a choice and its just being weak willed so expect some comments like that initially...
I could also say I don't have the enzyemes to break down the drug and that it is like poison for me but just sounds really like alot of dishonesty and then eventually the potential girl would probably find out.
Yes, it would be nice to meet someone in the AA program that understands but most of the women are older and I have not met anyone that I see that way.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
When I am ready to date I will probably say I don't drink initially. The reason being I can't stand the smell....which ois true. If the relationship makes it a few dates I will elaborate a little and hope a conversation comes naturally. I don't go to AA so doubt I would date someone in AA.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
As much as you think you should.........why would you divulge that information with someone that you may not know too well..?
A simple....."i dont drink" maybe.
Lots of people i know dont drink and they are not alcoholics.......they just dont drink....
it may not be such as big deal to others as you might think.
A simple....."i dont drink" maybe.
Lots of people i know dont drink and they are not alcoholics.......they just dont drink....
it may not be such as big deal to others as you might think.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Drumstick,
I have no issue with saying I am a recovering alcoholic if asked, and I already told all my friends most of whom don't drink or smoke, or do so very rarely.
In a social situation I'd just decline and if in a bar or place that served drinks I might order order a coke or joke it off by ordering a scotch and water with a twist of lime hold the scotch! Simply stating that I don't drink in those situations other than a close relationship.
Once a new friend or prospective romantic interest asked why I don't drink, I'd just tell the truth, but in a way that they can perceive it. Like "I used to drink but found it was unhealthy for me so I quit drinking. How about you, do you drink?" Then change the subject.
Reality is that as long as you are sober you don't drink. If the subject causes you to be embarrassed and make more of it than it is to another who does not drink or not to excess, it might come across as hiding something.
There are lots of closet drinkers out there, that could be a problem for you more than you could ever be a problem for them, no?
Saying you don't drink is no more impactful than saying you don't smoke, right? Unless you aren't comfortable enough in your own skin enough yet. I think that is why many say sure date and others no. When we judge another we are always judging ourselves. What makes you think that saying you don't drink is of more import than saying you don't smoke? For others or yourself?
I have no issue with saying I am a recovering alcoholic if asked, and I already told all my friends most of whom don't drink or smoke, or do so very rarely.
In a social situation I'd just decline and if in a bar or place that served drinks I might order order a coke or joke it off by ordering a scotch and water with a twist of lime hold the scotch! Simply stating that I don't drink in those situations other than a close relationship.
Once a new friend or prospective romantic interest asked why I don't drink, I'd just tell the truth, but in a way that they can perceive it. Like "I used to drink but found it was unhealthy for me so I quit drinking. How about you, do you drink?" Then change the subject.
Reality is that as long as you are sober you don't drink. If the subject causes you to be embarrassed and make more of it than it is to another who does not drink or not to excess, it might come across as hiding something.
There are lots of closet drinkers out there, that could be a problem for you more than you could ever be a problem for them, no?
Saying you don't drink is no more impactful than saying you don't smoke, right? Unless you aren't comfortable enough in your own skin enough yet. I think that is why many say sure date and others no. When we judge another we are always judging ourselves. What makes you think that saying you don't drink is of more import than saying you don't smoke? For others or yourself?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Originally Posted by drumstick
I think that's what I am worried about hearing. I was thinking of just saying that I don't drink because I follow a really healthy lifestyle which I do but when I was drinking I included that into my healthy lifestyle so to speak.
I could also say I don't have the enzyemes to break down the drug and that it is like poison for me but just sounds really like alot of dishonesty and then eventually the potential girl would probably find out.
Yes, it would be nice to meet someone in the AA program that understands but most of the women are older and I have not met anyone that I see that way.
I could also say I don't have the enzyemes to break down the drug and that it is like poison for me but just sounds really like alot of dishonesty and then eventually the potential girl would probably find out.
Yes, it would be nice to meet someone in the AA program that understands but most of the women are older and I have not met anyone that I see that way.
I gave the wrong impression...i didn't tell her that i was an alcoholic we were talking about religion i think and i said that it is good for some people e.g. people that need something bigger than them to rely on e.g. for grieving, illness, addiction or just life then we started talking about each and alcoholism came up...I DID NOT say i was an alcoholic until about 3 weeks later...i just said i dont drink and i said that it doesnt agree with me and fit into my way of living ive nothing against it but i choose not to...no big deal...please dont get the impression that any sane person says on the first or second date btw im an alcoholic without first at least bringing the subject up in a genral way because people aren't stupid, unless you come across with a positive and constructive new way of living that is tangeable to a non'alcoholic dont expect them to think anything else but what happens if you drink again! You cant just say im an alcoholic but i dont drink anymore that may work for us alchies because a lot of us are still in denial but a normal person will think what you drank all the time for 10 years then magically stopped...it doesnt make sense to them and rightfully so...once you get to know and feel comfortable with that person you may want to bring up AA too...
There is no need whatsoever for you to date amnyone in AA...personally i think this would be a nightmare...can you imagine sitting at the dining table having an off day and your partnert telling you that you aren't working step 11 enough and starting to read from the Big Book lol When the times right find yourself a nice girl out there, there are loads that dont drink or just have a drink at special occasions trust me...its only because all we knew are the heavy drinkers that we think the whole world is like that when really heavy drinkers and alchies are very much in the minority whatever the media would like you to believe!
Please listen to your sponsors advice also about dating ive seen quite a few people end up back out drinking again because they started a relationship before they were ready...got to know and love you first before you can expect to do the same with another...good luck:-)
ps obviously im talking about a potential relationship here, if you just going to be seeing someone for fun which it will be anyway to start off with then as pointed out there is no real explanation needed...
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Montreal, Canada
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by LaFemme
When I am ready to date I will probably say I don't drink initially. The reason being I can't stand the smell....which ois true. If the relationship makes it a few dates I will elaborate a little and hope a conversation comes naturally. I don't go to AA so doubt I would date someone in AA.
What do you mean elaborate a little? And then hope the conversation comes naturally?
How far would you go to explain? (examples) thx.
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Thread Starter
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Location: Montreal, Canada
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by shaun00
As much as you think you should.........why would you divulge that information with someone that you may not know too well..?
A simple....."i dont drink" maybe.
Lots of people i know dont drink and they are not alcoholics.......they just dont drink....
it may not be such as big deal to others as you might think.
A simple....."i dont drink" maybe.
Lots of people i know dont drink and they are not alcoholics.......they just dont drink....
it may not be such as big deal to others as you might think.
I like this shaun, you may very well be right that it is not such a big deal.
April 18, 2010
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,117
Hey Drumstick. I think Shaun makes a good point--chances are this is a much bigger concern on your end than it will be on someone else's. I've worried a lot about what to say to people, and whether they may question me . . but the truth is, everyone's fine hearing "I don't drink" or "I'm not drinking tonight" or "I'm not drinking right now" and no one has badgered me the way I'd fear they might in my worst nightmares . . . so I hope that won't be a big problem for you.
You asked . . .
Perhaps you can explain the issue in a way that's understandable to people even if they don't have the same definition of alcoholism--which is such a loaded term, even in recovery forums! You could say simply, "I don't drink because I never know what's gonna happen after the first one . . . " something that's true enough for me, at least. Or you could joke: "I don't drink because I've had enough for one lifetime." If any one on a date gives you a hard time for a line like this--run for the hills! You can't be sure, but anyone who is aggressive about why you should or should not drink . . . may be a bit defensive, no?
My advice here is largely in line with Itchy's . . .
Good luck. The social aspects of getting sober can be a challenge, at least if you're a bit reserved naturally. But it will be rewarding when you develop these new relationships and get to the point of opening up fully.
You asked . . .
Originally Posted by Drumstick
What do you mean elaborate a little? And then hope the conversation comes naturally?
How far would you go to explain? (examples) thx.
How far would you go to explain? (examples) thx.
My advice here is largely in line with Itchy's . . .
Good luck. The social aspects of getting sober can be a challenge, at least if you're a bit reserved naturally. But it will be rewarding when you develop these new relationships and get to the point of opening up fully.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
In my limited experience most people will eventually ask why you don't drink...so if I say I don't like the smell...I can picture them asking eventually if I ever drank...at which point I might say that I used to drink to excess and then it goes from there. Really, im kind of guessing since I have not dated since getting sober...mostly because I am not looking ...but if I stumble across someone nice I would go.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
No need for me to tell random folks. As others stated a simple....I don't drink if the topic is brought up or if you are talking about things in common works. No need for details.
I wouldn't worry about it. Its only a date.
All the best!
I wouldn't worry about it. Its only a date.
All the best!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Montreal, Canada
Posts: 72
All valid points that I have read here and thanks for the input.
I mean my alcoholism has brought me to alot of desperate places. I like that you suggest these: I am allergic to alcohol or I have drank enough to last a lifetime, that's fine.
I guess I am just curious to see what the reaction of someone will be, like I have said I am a healthy athletic guy and lucky that any repercusions from my alcoholism were fairly minor IMO and that for the grace of god I was given so many second chances (a hell of alot of second chances).
How much would you tell a potential mate about the impact of alcoholism on your life. I mean the first part is easy (I don't drink). I think you would really have to trust this person further in the relationship to share some of the really scary details (ie: hospitalizaton, drinking driving, accidents, fines, emotional instability, blackouts etc.).
Now, I am sure the response would be just don't share those details and leave it at that, well for some reason I would like to be completely open about it if I planned on having a relationship so I don't have to hide things all my life.
I guess this is something that really does not have an answer and will have to be dealt with at the time it happens.
I mean my alcoholism has brought me to alot of desperate places. I like that you suggest these: I am allergic to alcohol or I have drank enough to last a lifetime, that's fine.
I guess I am just curious to see what the reaction of someone will be, like I have said I am a healthy athletic guy and lucky that any repercusions from my alcoholism were fairly minor IMO and that for the grace of god I was given so many second chances (a hell of alot of second chances).
How much would you tell a potential mate about the impact of alcoholism on your life. I mean the first part is easy (I don't drink). I think you would really have to trust this person further in the relationship to share some of the really scary details (ie: hospitalizaton, drinking driving, accidents, fines, emotional instability, blackouts etc.).
Now, I am sure the response would be just don't share those details and leave it at that, well for some reason I would like to be completely open about it if I planned on having a relationship so I don't have to hide things all my life.
I guess this is something that really does not have an answer and will have to be dealt with at the time it happens.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Heh... I hate to sound like the jerk here but...... here goes anyway:
I'd reeeeally recommend putting your program and your sobriety WELL ahead of dating. When you intuitively know the answer to your question, dating and "telling ppl" won't be an issue - and when it's not an issue you'll be "ready" to date and have relationships. Until that time though, you're likely to run into a lot of the same obstacles that many of us who dated early in sobriety ran into.
I'm not saying you don't cherish your sobriety or put it high in your life. The "24 hour program" tells me to deal with just what I have to deal with today and not get too caught up in tomorrow (or yesterday either).
As for an answer, I just tell ppl I don't drink.....period. If they push, I tell them I'm a recovered alcoholic ...and I DON'T drink anymore. That pretty-much ends them trying to push another drink on me.
I'd reeeeally recommend putting your program and your sobriety WELL ahead of dating. When you intuitively know the answer to your question, dating and "telling ppl" won't be an issue - and when it's not an issue you'll be "ready" to date and have relationships. Until that time though, you're likely to run into a lot of the same obstacles that many of us who dated early in sobriety ran into.
I'm not saying you don't cherish your sobriety or put it high in your life. The "24 hour program" tells me to deal with just what I have to deal with today and not get too caught up in tomorrow (or yesterday either).
As for an answer, I just tell ppl I don't drink.....period. If they push, I tell them I'm a recovered alcoholic ...and I DON'T drink anymore. That pretty-much ends them trying to push another drink on me.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
Originally Posted by drumstick
All valid points that I have read here and thanks for the input.
I mean my alcoholism has brought me to alot of desperate places. I like that you suggest these: I am allergic to alcohol or I have drank enough to last a lifetime, that's fine.
I guess I am just curious to see what the reaction of someone will be, like I have said I am a healthy athletic guy and lucky that any repercusions from my alcoholism were fairly minor IMO and that for the grace of god I was given so many second chances (a hell of alot of second chances).
How much would you tell a potential mate about the impact of alcoholism on your life. I mean the first part is easy (I don't drink). I think you would really have to trust this person further in the relationship to share some of the really scary details (ie: hospitalizaton, drinking driving, accidents, fines, emotional instability, blackouts etc.).
Now, I am sure the response would be just don't share those details and leave it at that, well for some reason I would like to be completely open about it if I planned on having a relationship so I don't have to hide things all my life.
I guess this is something that really does not have an answer and will have to be dealt with at the time it happens.
I mean my alcoholism has brought me to alot of desperate places. I like that you suggest these: I am allergic to alcohol or I have drank enough to last a lifetime, that's fine.
I guess I am just curious to see what the reaction of someone will be, like I have said I am a healthy athletic guy and lucky that any repercusions from my alcoholism were fairly minor IMO and that for the grace of god I was given so many second chances (a hell of alot of second chances).
How much would you tell a potential mate about the impact of alcoholism on your life. I mean the first part is easy (I don't drink). I think you would really have to trust this person further in the relationship to share some of the really scary details (ie: hospitalizaton, drinking driving, accidents, fines, emotional instability, blackouts etc.).
Now, I am sure the response would be just don't share those details and leave it at that, well for some reason I would like to be completely open about it if I planned on having a relationship so I don't have to hide things all my life.
I guess this is something that really does not have an answer and will have to be dealt with at the time it happens.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think once you are talking "potential mate" you share your history--the good, the bad, the ugly. Secrets aren't good. Not that you have to do a Fifth Step with the person--you don't have to share EVERY detail--but the general contours, the more embarrassing things that other people already know about you, are things they may hear from others at some point anyway. It will lessen the shock and increase the sense of trust if they've heard it from your lips already.
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