Baffling slip approaching 30 days...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 782
Baffling slip approaching 30 days...
Well, I'm back here again and unfortunately not for the happiest of reasons.
Coming up to 30 days without drink I thought I had been doing OK. Eating well, plenty of exercise, sleeping well, hanging out on SR, engaging in old interests and hobbies, feeling better in myself and generally well adjusted in my relationship with the world.
There was however a problem. Not an overt physical craving or mental obsession that could be identified, just a feeling on a very low (maybe even subconscious) level of a clock spring winding tighter and tighter each day.
This came to a head one Sunday afternoon, having built up over several days. Out in the countryside for fresh air and a walk, no obvious triggers but the 'spring' still tightened. And so I stopped at a pub and took a drink. The release was immediate and effective and I did not stop at one.
I still hate alcohol - the taste, the smell, the cost, the guilt, the list goes on... The addiction however and the associated cycle of relapse and self-sabotage are much deeper embedded than I had realised.
Now I am faced with trying yet again with the added knowledge that:
1) It might not get easier over a timescale of months.
2) The addictive / self destructive behaviour is active on a deep level that I cannot correctly analyse or self diagnose.
3) I can infer that there may be physiological imbalances at play (what is with the litres and litres of tea...) but these are also uncertain.
4) Social and behavioural changes I could make to my life to improve my personal stability (a better job, voluntary work, stronger friendships etc) are likely to be sabotaged by 1), 2) and 3).
Once again, stark evidence backed with very little self understanding. If anyone here though could advise me on what the 'tightening clock spring' mechanism might have been I would be most grateful please.
Coming up to 30 days without drink I thought I had been doing OK. Eating well, plenty of exercise, sleeping well, hanging out on SR, engaging in old interests and hobbies, feeling better in myself and generally well adjusted in my relationship with the world.
There was however a problem. Not an overt physical craving or mental obsession that could be identified, just a feeling on a very low (maybe even subconscious) level of a clock spring winding tighter and tighter each day.
This came to a head one Sunday afternoon, having built up over several days. Out in the countryside for fresh air and a walk, no obvious triggers but the 'spring' still tightened. And so I stopped at a pub and took a drink. The release was immediate and effective and I did not stop at one.
I still hate alcohol - the taste, the smell, the cost, the guilt, the list goes on... The addiction however and the associated cycle of relapse and self-sabotage are much deeper embedded than I had realised.
Now I am faced with trying yet again with the added knowledge that:
1) It might not get easier over a timescale of months.
2) The addictive / self destructive behaviour is active on a deep level that I cannot correctly analyse or self diagnose.
3) I can infer that there may be physiological imbalances at play (what is with the litres and litres of tea...) but these are also uncertain.
4) Social and behavioural changes I could make to my life to improve my personal stability (a better job, voluntary work, stronger friendships etc) are likely to be sabotaged by 1), 2) and 3).
Once again, stark evidence backed with very little self understanding. If anyone here though could advise me on what the 'tightening clock spring' mechanism might have been I would be most grateful please.
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
Forwards have you tried specific things to get you through cravings? 2 that help me are
1 - doing something specific like going to work out or something and allowing myself to assess if my craving is *as strong* after that (100% of the time is it not).
2 - identifying the craving as my 'alcoholic voice' (a la rational recovery). And dismissing it as such.
I think you can practice tools to help you move through these.
Congrats on getting back on the sober train.
1 - doing something specific like going to work out or something and allowing myself to assess if my craving is *as strong* after that (100% of the time is it not).
2 - identifying the craving as my 'alcoholic voice' (a la rational recovery). And dismissing it as such.
I think you can practice tools to help you move through these.
Congrats on getting back on the sober train.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
When I started to really analyze my thinking prior to having a drink, I found most of my thoughts involved some form of fear, and also at play was a strong underlying sense of self-hate. I googled self-hate and read extensively, only to find my life patterns described so well by others. It was and still is creepy to read about oneself as was written by others. However, the awareness has helped me find new ways of changing the same thought patterns by catching them as they build up steam.
I know exactly how you feel, and deal with the spring one day at a time, and try to stay aware of my self-sabotaging nature.
I know exactly how you feel, and deal with the spring one day at a time, and try to stay aware of my self-sabotaging nature.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Sorry to know you did drink again...hope it won't continue.
Perhaps this wold be a good place to start figreing it out
How We Get Addicted - TIME
and this link has info that convinced me to finally quit
specifically on how alcoholics process alcohol incorrectly
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
All my best
Perhaps this wold be a good place to start figreing it out
How We Get Addicted - TIME
and this link has info that convinced me to finally quit
specifically on how alcoholics process alcohol incorrectly
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
All my best
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 385
Originally Posted by firestorm090 
When I started to really analyze my thinking prior to having a drink, I found most of my thoughts involved some form of fear, and also at play was a strong underlying sense of self-hate. I googled self-hate and read extensively, only to find my life patterns described so well by others. It was and still is creepy to read about oneself as was written by others. However, the awareness has helped me find new ways of changing the same thought patterns by catching them as they build up steam.
I know exactly how you feel, and deal with the spring one day at a time, and try to stay aware of my self-sabotaging nature.
I know exactly how you feel, and deal with the spring one day at a time, and try to stay aware of my self-sabotaging nature.
I've learned that if I continually focus on practicing the principles as set out by AA and other spiritual disciplines, those post acute cravings were quite manageable. Basically....after the physical detox and subsequent healing of my brain.....it really was/is all in my mind. It was all about my underlying fear of seeing who I really am. And the solution to fear is IMO always love....never more fear.
blessings
zenbear
Sally1009
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 467
Hi
I can relate very well to what you said about the tightening spring- it seems you are very in touch with your feelings, which is good, It's very disheartening, I know, to find yourself having a relapse when you have been doing everything right.
But that is the nature of the beast - it leaps out when you least expect it. I don't know if you are in AA, but I have found that by having numbers to ring when I feel the spring tightening will prevent a relapse. This illness is VERY hard, if not impossible to fight alone.
I wish you well- keep posting,
Love,
Sally
I can relate very well to what you said about the tightening spring- it seems you are very in touch with your feelings, which is good, It's very disheartening, I know, to find yourself having a relapse when you have been doing everything right.
But that is the nature of the beast - it leaps out when you least expect it. I don't know if you are in AA, but I have found that by having numbers to ring when I feel the spring tightening will prevent a relapse. This illness is VERY hard, if not impossible to fight alone.
I wish you well- keep posting,
Love,
Sally
rode hard and put away wet
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 999
When I find myself rationalizing, analyzing or otherwise wasting time trying to understand my behavior when it comes to alcohol, I run screaming for my support system. I know my mind in early recovery is a dangerous neighborhood which I do not wish to navigate alone. And cannot possibly navigate alone no matter how hard I try or how much research I do. I am just not qualified.
My support system happens to include AA, my HP and my network of those who have done this sober thing before. I just have to have those three elements in place if I am going to function anywhere near effectively. Other people have gotten sober on their own power but not me. I need an entire team despite my really high IQ.
I've never known myself as a person who ever "needed" anyone or any institution or any form of organized anything (heaven forbid) but when it comes to this cunning, baffling disorder, I have to make exceptions.
My support system happens to include AA, my HP and my network of those who have done this sober thing before. I just have to have those three elements in place if I am going to function anywhere near effectively. Other people have gotten sober on their own power but not me. I need an entire team despite my really high IQ.
I've never known myself as a person who ever "needed" anyone or any institution or any form of organized anything (heaven forbid) but when it comes to this cunning, baffling disorder, I have to make exceptions.
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Originally Posted by Forwards
I still hate alcohol - the taste, the smell, the cost, the guilt, the list goes on... The addiction however and the associated cycle of relapse and self-sabotage are much deeper embedded than I had realised.
Now I am faced with trying yet again with the added knowledge that:
1) It might not get easier over a timescale of months.
2) The addictive / self destructive behaviour is active on a deep level that I cannot correctly analyse or self diagnose.
3) I can infer that there may be physiological imbalances at play (what is with the litres and litres of tea...) but these are also uncertain.
4) Social and behavioural changes I could make to my life to improve my personal stability (a better job, voluntary work, stronger friendships etc) are likely to be sabotaged by 1), 2) and 3).
Once again, stark evidence backed with very little self understanding. If anyone here though could advise me on what the 'tightening clock spring' mechanism might have been I would be most grateful please.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by Forwards
There was however a problem. Not an overt physical craving or mental obsession that could be identified, just a feeling on a very low (maybe even subconscious) level of a clock spring winding tighter and tighter each day.
This came to a head one Sunday afternoon, having built up over several days. Out in the countryside for fresh air and a walk, no obvious triggers but the 'spring' still tightened. And so I stopped at a pub and took a drink. The release was immediate and effective and I did not stop at one.
Once again, stark evidence backed with very little self understanding. If anyone here though could advise me on what the 'tightening clock spring' mechanism might have been I would be most grateful please.
This came to a head one Sunday afternoon, having built up over several days. Out in the countryside for fresh air and a walk, no obvious triggers but the 'spring' still tightened. And so I stopped at a pub and took a drink. The release was immediate and effective and I did not stop at one.
Once again, stark evidence backed with very little self understanding. If anyone here though could advise me on what the 'tightening clock spring' mechanism might have been I would be most grateful please.
I advise you this: Alcoholism
You can look for purely personal reasons as you may wish, to satisfy an alcoholic ego, or you can surrender to the fact that alcoholism is a cunning, baffling, powerful illness. If not alcoholism is causing you to drink even when you really don't want to drink, and keeps you drinking after that first drink, then you'll always have some personal excuse handy for that next drink. At least that was my own experience when facing my own alcoholic ego. Alcoholics drink alcohol or they deal with their alcoholism and get sober. They stay sober by living a meaningful life without alcohol. Its not difficult to contemplate, but of course our alcoholism makes getting sober seem almost impossible. I've learned to accept alcoholism as an illness and that I'm responsible for my own sobriety, with my Higher Power arresting that illness for me, changing out my alcoholic mind for a sober mind, and changing my life for the better day in and day out.
Sorry for your troubles. Keep at it. It will work for you.
Rob
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Forwards, I don't have the answer to the tightening spring lying underneath, what exactly it was. I do remember around 4 or 5 months feeling a trigger on one of the first humid days of spring. I don't know what else was going on at the time, but I had been in really good spirits about something and then drinking came into my mind. It was like I needed to ask myself, "What can I add to this good feeling?" Other people will say "I feel good, but strangely enough, what is missing here?" And they will get the same thought.
Years ago I went through a period of moderate drinking while setting up in a new city. Once the job was secured and I was physically in the new place, I drank insanely. Then a 7-year period of everyday drinking was ingrained in me until I quit last year. I see it as very similar to the notion that a perfectly good dinner needs to be completed by a perfectly good dessert.
I didn't drink on that humid day this past spring though, or on any other occasions when I might have asked myself what I can add to something good. And I didn't after I got a new job recently (I have been prepared for that change).
I don't know what you mean when you say it might not get easier over a timescale of months.
What does make it easier is breaking it down even more simply. You felt the spring tightening and then there was a release session in the drinking act. What you could have done was look the other way and keep marching home with the countryside smile on your face or in your mind. Once the door was shut behind you, you could have gone on with the rest of the day and been fine. The countryside walk could have been the dessert, the add-on to what had been good. The chores I do now take on the semblance of that dessert (or make it so that I don't need one), and when they don't, I tell myself off. There's something about living inside the present day that makes it the way it needs to be, and so that there doesn't have to be so much thinking and analysis, so that you can be freer. The current day is the foundation for the next - somehow.
On the litres and litres of tea, are you saying that you instinctively were drinking a lot of tea after you quit? I did that too all day, though now it is not as chronic and it is more like a replacement for coffee.
Since you sound like the analytical type, you could make your list of pluses and minuses from that relapse day; simplify each side; and make the simplified good what you will focus on and if/once you feel the simplified bad, change gears. If you are like me, you will recognize when you are thinking wrong and correct it. Check in here when you are in doubt if you do not do face-to-face support.
Years ago I went through a period of moderate drinking while setting up in a new city. Once the job was secured and I was physically in the new place, I drank insanely. Then a 7-year period of everyday drinking was ingrained in me until I quit last year. I see it as very similar to the notion that a perfectly good dinner needs to be completed by a perfectly good dessert.
I didn't drink on that humid day this past spring though, or on any other occasions when I might have asked myself what I can add to something good. And I didn't after I got a new job recently (I have been prepared for that change).
I don't know what you mean when you say it might not get easier over a timescale of months.
What does make it easier is breaking it down even more simply. You felt the spring tightening and then there was a release session in the drinking act. What you could have done was look the other way and keep marching home with the countryside smile on your face or in your mind. Once the door was shut behind you, you could have gone on with the rest of the day and been fine. The countryside walk could have been the dessert, the add-on to what had been good. The chores I do now take on the semblance of that dessert (or make it so that I don't need one), and when they don't, I tell myself off. There's something about living inside the present day that makes it the way it needs to be, and so that there doesn't have to be so much thinking and analysis, so that you can be freer. The current day is the foundation for the next - somehow.
On the litres and litres of tea, are you saying that you instinctively were drinking a lot of tea after you quit? I did that too all day, though now it is not as chronic and it is more like a replacement for coffee.
Since you sound like the analytical type, you could make your list of pluses and minuses from that relapse day; simplify each side; and make the simplified good what you will focus on and if/once you feel the simplified bad, change gears. If you are like me, you will recognize when you are thinking wrong and correct it. Check in here when you are in doubt if you do not do face-to-face support.
Proud Neonephalist
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: North Coast BC Canada
Posts: 1,141
Originally Posted by Peter
You should try employing the same sort of analytical thought process before you take that drink not after.
It's made my recovery easier knowing my limbic system and parts of my brain stem have been altered by all the alcohol I've drank, and that while it's going to take quite a while for those portions of my brain to 'normalize', they're going to try and prompt the rest of my brain into thinking a single drink would be okay.
Try reading some of these links;
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rch-links.html
When an urge does come along, some people replace the urge with the worst drinking memory they have. I used to replace the image of a drink with a Komodo Dragon. In the first sixty days or so I used that image a lot, because a Komodo can bring down a Water Buffalo with a single bite. They have virulent bacteria in their mouths so the Buffalo gets blood poisoning, and as the animal gets weaker over the next several weeks, more and more Komodo's start showing up. In the end they start eating the Buffalo while it's still alive. It's a particularly ugly death...just like dying from alcoholism.
I'm past that stage now, and have much happier thoughts and imagery
Murray
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 160
The "winding clock spring" analogy is a good one.
For me, the mechanism at play is more like an identifiable mental preoccupation.
Always there in the background - sort of in the unwound position and at times, it creeps further and further into the foreground - sort of winding the spring, where it becomes more than a preoccupation but my main focal point!
The other day I was watching Power Lunch and they had a segment about a $150,000 bottle of extremely rare scotch. An expert with a "fine nose" for scotch and dressed in a kilt, described in painstakingly detail the aroma and flavor of the rare scotch.
As you can imagine, my clock spring was totally wound tight at that point and I was ready to drink!
I believe the spring tightens for everyone when a perfect situation presents itself. In your case, walking along on a beautiful spring day and you happen to be approaching a pub....what can be more perfect?
Beer advertising winds my spring every time!
I just make sure to dismiss the thoughts as quickly as they came in.
Good luck on your restart!
For me, the mechanism at play is more like an identifiable mental preoccupation.
Always there in the background - sort of in the unwound position and at times, it creeps further and further into the foreground - sort of winding the spring, where it becomes more than a preoccupation but my main focal point!
The other day I was watching Power Lunch and they had a segment about a $150,000 bottle of extremely rare scotch. An expert with a "fine nose" for scotch and dressed in a kilt, described in painstakingly detail the aroma and flavor of the rare scotch.
As you can imagine, my clock spring was totally wound tight at that point and I was ready to drink!
I believe the spring tightens for everyone when a perfect situation presents itself. In your case, walking along on a beautiful spring day and you happen to be approaching a pub....what can be more perfect?
Beer advertising winds my spring every time!
I just make sure to dismiss the thoughts as quickly as they came in.
Good luck on your restart!
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,948
Once I learned to identify my feelings I could see the hidden warning signs. "By tuning my awareness to these IMPORTANT emotional alerts, I became more in tune with My reality." [1] It has become most important in my recovery to understanding what I'm feeling so I can take the appropriate action so I won't be blindly lead by my emotional states into a relapse.
[1] Feelings Versus Thoughts
[1] Feelings Versus Thoughts
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
In AA you get a coin at 30/60/and90 days. Next one is 6 months and the next is a year. You get those coins the first 3 months,because they truly are reasons for celebration. Those first 3 months are very difficult. They are actually hell.
You say in your post you are afraid it doesn't get easier as a timescale of months. You are wrong. IF you really want to stop it does get easier. For me,after 90 days it was fairly easy. But I REALLY wanted to stop. Yes I had times after that that were close, but I didn't drink.
But that is what is so puzzling about alcohol. You can be drunk before you know what happened. In this case you knew it was coming, but it can also happen in an instant.
Those imbalances you are talking about also level out. It takes time.
I liked beer the first time I drank enough to get a buzz, but it took me a few years before I was a hooked alcoholic. I drank for over 30 years. I knew what I was up against when trying to quit. I had tried many times. So I didn't expect all of those years with my "companion" to just change when I stopped. Alcoholism was my lifestyle. But I was tired of it.
You can quit if you put your mind to it. Don't ever stop trying.
Fred
You say in your post you are afraid it doesn't get easier as a timescale of months. You are wrong. IF you really want to stop it does get easier. For me,after 90 days it was fairly easy. But I REALLY wanted to stop. Yes I had times after that that were close, but I didn't drink.
But that is what is so puzzling about alcohol. You can be drunk before you know what happened. In this case you knew it was coming, but it can also happen in an instant.
Those imbalances you are talking about also level out. It takes time.
I liked beer the first time I drank enough to get a buzz, but it took me a few years before I was a hooked alcoholic. I drank for over 30 years. I knew what I was up against when trying to quit. I had tried many times. So I didn't expect all of those years with my "companion" to just change when I stopped. Alcoholism was my lifestyle. But I was tired of it.
You can quit if you put your mind to it. Don't ever stop trying.
Fred
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 782
My goodness, what an amazing resource SR is. Thank you all for the replies - I will read an re-read them again. I'm looking forward to catching up with everyone's progress (hopefully a little better than mine...). Right now though I'm just exhausted - physically and mentally bruised after a horrid few days.
Self worth is naturally a big issue at the moment and yes, fear is part of it (fear of the future, fear of alcohol, worry about navigating what's left of my career etc. etc.). Perhaps this is the factor that grows over several months when other triggers do, as you say, seem to get easier.
I suspect I have been wrong in my approach to AA. After turning up worse-for-wear to a couple of meetings earlier in the year I felt disrespectful and somewhat unworthy of their offers of support. This time, I'd resolved to make 30 days and maybe then visit them in a better state... Foolish alcoholic ego / pride again?
Enough for now. Thank you all once again.
Self worth is naturally a big issue at the moment and yes, fear is part of it (fear of the future, fear of alcohol, worry about navigating what's left of my career etc. etc.). Perhaps this is the factor that grows over several months when other triggers do, as you say, seem to get easier.
I suspect I have been wrong in my approach to AA. After turning up worse-for-wear to a couple of meetings earlier in the year I felt disrespectful and somewhat unworthy of their offers of support. This time, I'd resolved to make 30 days and maybe then visit them in a better state... Foolish alcoholic ego / pride again?
Enough for now. Thank you all once again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Forwards
This time, I'd resolved to make 30 days and maybe then visit them in a better state... Foolish alcoholic ego / pride again?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
After talking myself out of going to meetings for years, and suffering through hell due to those self-talks, I just went one night, and have slowly begun to get better.
You can always leave if it doesn't help, but you'll never know till you just go.
You can always leave if it doesn't help, but you'll never know till you just go.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
The best advice I ever received, was also a "ego buster" for me.
Someone once said "maybe you should let someone else do your thinking for you for a while" and you know what - it worked! I listened to my sponsor in AA and to other alcoholics who recovered and I slowly, but surely got better. Now I can do a little more of my own thinking as my brain, body, and soul are healing.
How about that? I was my own worst enemy and I was the biggest threat to my own sobriety. Wow! What a bomshell and my life has never been the same since.
Someone once said "maybe you should let someone else do your thinking for you for a while" and you know what - it worked! I listened to my sponsor in AA and to other alcoholics who recovered and I slowly, but surely got better. Now I can do a little more of my own thinking as my brain, body, and soul are healing.
How about that? I was my own worst enemy and I was the biggest threat to my own sobriety. Wow! What a bomshell and my life has never been the same since.
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