I Screwed Up Again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 279
I Screwed Up Again
I relapsed over the Canadian Thanksgiving weekend. I was nearly an hour late the day after. Missed the day after and then was late the day after. Anyway I decided that it was time for a little chat with my boss before I lost yet another job. I told him that I was having a problem. He is a bit of a hard*ss, don’t show your feelings kind of guy but he is willing to work with me.
I just asked him to be patient while I sorted myself out. I explained that while I really want the job, its hard for me to be disciplined that way. He said he would talk to HR and ask them if there was any leeway that we could give for someone with a substance abuse problem without mentioning my name. He is a by the book kind of guy and I understand that he cannot make any exceptions for me because of how that would create problems with the rest of the team.
I think about all the things that I want to do with my life that are contingent upon me having a job. Like: going back to school, paying off my bankruptcy.
In theory, it seems so easy. In another 2.5 months I could have the money to go back to school. I could be at the start of putting this bankruptcy behind me.
I could be going back to the gym and buying and cooking food for the house.
Anyway my boss’s father works for the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health and promised to give me his number so that I can get help with a referral. This is how I just keep falling further and further behind. I need to get back into the habit of working a regular job. I was 3 minutes late again today. I wasn’t drinking last night though. AAARRRRRRGGGGG. There are so many bad addicty type habits I have that I don’t even know where to start fixing them or how to start fixing them. When I am hung over I don’t even remember why I need to work other than not getting fired. I forget about going to school or getting out of debt or losing weight. All my life goals right now are attainable and I just need the discipline and sobriety to make it work. This has not been a good week.
Is there anyone else out there who finds that having money is a huge trigger to start using again? That’s what happens to me. I use, I completely jack my life. Then I run out of money to use so I am sober enough to be upset about not having a job, and no money and being horribly overweight etc so I get a job and then get money and then drink and then lose the job. I see where I am in the cycle. I see where I can break it. I would absolutely hate, hate, hate myself if I lost this job and couldn’t make it back to school in January. I need to remember how disappointed in myself I will be if that happens. I have to recall the financial toll that will take on my family. I have to remember how much of a loser I feel when I can’t even contribute to buying food for the house. My sister in law loves my cooking which I did after the first time I bought groceries. When we go grocery shopping she now asks me what she should buy and how she should cook it. My mother loves my cooking. She was so pleased when I gave her the first payment. I know she is holding her breath because she is afraid that I wont stick with it. I would hate myself if I wasn’t able to help her out financially because she is under so much stress right now.
That said:
1. For the first time in a long time I made a budget for all the way into January. The last paycheque I got I pretty much paid all the most important bills.
2. I actually figured out what classes I need to take and looked up the enrollment deadline so I don’t miss it. (That has happened before too, I had the money but missed the enrollment deadline)
3. I went to the gym and got them to work out a nice low rate for me so if I still have a job by next Friday I can enroll.
4. I spoke to an insurance agent about getting insurance back on my condo. I plan to get a void cheque out to her before payday so the money can come out of my account that day.
5. I bought a kitchen scale and good food containers so that I can make sure to pack my lunch instead of buying which will save me money and help me to lose weight faster.
6. I finally talked to the bankruptcy trustee for the first time in 6 months and found out that I can discharge my bankruptcy by the end of December if I keep my job.
7. I plan to make an appointment with my psychiatrist so I can see him the moment my prescription benefits kick in. (It’s a call centre job but it has 100% scrip benefit. Awesome coz my meds easily add up to $200-300 every six weeks. It will mean I can get treatment for my ADD and my depression)
8. I set up a bank account last payday (I was so scared to do this because of my bankruptcy. I didn’t bring it up and I guess they didn’t find out.) Anyway I also set up a savings account so that I can actually start to save money. Cheque cashing places were taking a good $25-30 off each paycheque and it meant that I had cash which is nearly impossible for me to track. I find that I have money and then all of a sudden it seems to be gone. Savings account is important because it means that it will be easier for me to save for school.
I am so scared that I am going to screw all of this up.
I just asked him to be patient while I sorted myself out. I explained that while I really want the job, its hard for me to be disciplined that way. He said he would talk to HR and ask them if there was any leeway that we could give for someone with a substance abuse problem without mentioning my name. He is a by the book kind of guy and I understand that he cannot make any exceptions for me because of how that would create problems with the rest of the team.
I think about all the things that I want to do with my life that are contingent upon me having a job. Like: going back to school, paying off my bankruptcy.
In theory, it seems so easy. In another 2.5 months I could have the money to go back to school. I could be at the start of putting this bankruptcy behind me.
I could be going back to the gym and buying and cooking food for the house.
Anyway my boss’s father works for the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health and promised to give me his number so that I can get help with a referral. This is how I just keep falling further and further behind. I need to get back into the habit of working a regular job. I was 3 minutes late again today. I wasn’t drinking last night though. AAARRRRRRGGGGG. There are so many bad addicty type habits I have that I don’t even know where to start fixing them or how to start fixing them. When I am hung over I don’t even remember why I need to work other than not getting fired. I forget about going to school or getting out of debt or losing weight. All my life goals right now are attainable and I just need the discipline and sobriety to make it work. This has not been a good week.
Is there anyone else out there who finds that having money is a huge trigger to start using again? That’s what happens to me. I use, I completely jack my life. Then I run out of money to use so I am sober enough to be upset about not having a job, and no money and being horribly overweight etc so I get a job and then get money and then drink and then lose the job. I see where I am in the cycle. I see where I can break it. I would absolutely hate, hate, hate myself if I lost this job and couldn’t make it back to school in January. I need to remember how disappointed in myself I will be if that happens. I have to recall the financial toll that will take on my family. I have to remember how much of a loser I feel when I can’t even contribute to buying food for the house. My sister in law loves my cooking which I did after the first time I bought groceries. When we go grocery shopping she now asks me what she should buy and how she should cook it. My mother loves my cooking. She was so pleased when I gave her the first payment. I know she is holding her breath because she is afraid that I wont stick with it. I would hate myself if I wasn’t able to help her out financially because she is under so much stress right now.
That said:
1. For the first time in a long time I made a budget for all the way into January. The last paycheque I got I pretty much paid all the most important bills.
2. I actually figured out what classes I need to take and looked up the enrollment deadline so I don’t miss it. (That has happened before too, I had the money but missed the enrollment deadline)
3. I went to the gym and got them to work out a nice low rate for me so if I still have a job by next Friday I can enroll.
4. I spoke to an insurance agent about getting insurance back on my condo. I plan to get a void cheque out to her before payday so the money can come out of my account that day.
5. I bought a kitchen scale and good food containers so that I can make sure to pack my lunch instead of buying which will save me money and help me to lose weight faster.
6. I finally talked to the bankruptcy trustee for the first time in 6 months and found out that I can discharge my bankruptcy by the end of December if I keep my job.
7. I plan to make an appointment with my psychiatrist so I can see him the moment my prescription benefits kick in. (It’s a call centre job but it has 100% scrip benefit. Awesome coz my meds easily add up to $200-300 every six weeks. It will mean I can get treatment for my ADD and my depression)
8. I set up a bank account last payday (I was so scared to do this because of my bankruptcy. I didn’t bring it up and I guess they didn’t find out.) Anyway I also set up a savings account so that I can actually start to save money. Cheque cashing places were taking a good $25-30 off each paycheque and it meant that I had cash which is nearly impossible for me to track. I find that I have money and then all of a sudden it seems to be gone. Savings account is important because it means that it will be easier for me to save for school.
I am so scared that I am going to screw all of this up.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by LifeBlows 
Is there anyone else out there who finds that having money is a huge trigger to start using again?
Sobriety is my trigger to drink again.....or to go get high again.....or to just want to check out. Being broke was a trigger, having a fat payday was a trigger, getting what I wanted was a trigger, not getting what I wanted was a trigger......... I mean, come ooooon. Haven't we all gotten drunk over everything and nothing?
On the good side, if it's just having money that's a problem, get to work and send half of it to me. That should solve yer drinking problem! lol - jk.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,954
Hi LifeBlows, I can relate to being triggered by some of the issues that comes up in life. After a wile as I empower myself with recovery skills (tools) triggers and urges lose their power over me. Regaining the ability to govern my life in a direction that brings me serenity and fulfillment all the wile living harmful substance free is a great reward in recovery.
Here's something that can help you, Trigger Homework Sheet from SMART Recovery (my kind of substance-use disorder treatment program). I like SMART because of the extensive recovery tools they have.
Here's something that can help you, Trigger Homework Sheet from SMART Recovery (my kind of substance-use disorder treatment program). I like SMART because of the extensive recovery tools they have.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
Dear Life Blows
I was reading through your post and thinking about how regrets and fear mount up and become an excuse for our drinking. That's exactly what we all do. But looking through your posts, I am not reading about your sponsor, your meeting programme or other things alone those lines. How is that side of things going? I only say that because I skipped meetings for a few weeks, my sponsor went away and then I had another nasty relapse with consequences for my work, money and relationships. Went back to a meeting last night and went out with a group of people from there after. It helped. It helped a lot.
This Forum is good. But it's not as good as direct human content, is it?
Best wishes, my friend.
I was reading through your post and thinking about how regrets and fear mount up and become an excuse for our drinking. That's exactly what we all do. But looking through your posts, I am not reading about your sponsor, your meeting programme or other things alone those lines. How is that side of things going? I only say that because I skipped meetings for a few weeks, my sponsor went away and then I had another nasty relapse with consequences for my work, money and relationships. Went back to a meeting last night and went out with a group of people from there after. It helped. It helped a lot.
This Forum is good. But it's not as good as direct human content, is it?
Best wishes, my friend.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Toronto,Ontario
Posts: 1,027
LifeBlows - are you attending AA meetings in the GTA area ?
I too relapsed often, but that's because I had no plan or system in place and certainly did not make sobriety my PRIORITY. That has now changed and I am a happy guy..
I too relapsed often, but that's because I had no plan or system in place and certainly did not make sobriety my PRIORITY. That has now changed and I am a happy guy..
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I'm sorry to hear you fell LifeBlows, but glad you're back - I never really needed a trigger
myself, but it is true there was rarely a pay day that went by I didn't get high...I don't think of money as my trigger tho - I simply availed myself of every opportunity I could. That's active addiction.
Please do follow up on anything that's offered to you, and keep working your programme - I think action (and change) is the only thing that gets us out of the cycle.
D
myself, but it is true there was rarely a pay day that went by I didn't get high...I don't think of money as my trigger tho - I simply availed myself of every opportunity I could. That's active addiction.
Please do follow up on anything that's offered to you, and keep working your programme - I think action (and change) is the only thing that gets us out of the cycle.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 279
Thanks for the Support
After many many job changes I am finally starting to accept the impact that alcohol has had on my work life. I have finally accepted that its not the job, because I used to say well if I liked the job more or if it was closer to home etc I'd be on time), or whatever.
There are so many of my behaviors that I had excused as being just me but they follow me no matter who I am with and what job I am doing.
When I don't drink alcohol or when I know that I'm running out of alcohol I feel so afraid. The rational part of me knows that its really time to let go of this so that I can move on with my life. I know that this job though it pays little is an opportunity for me to get things in motion again financially, socially, careerwise and educationally but ....... I don't know how to explain it. I know what I should do to get ahead. its really simple show up on time and do my job well and in 2.5 months I should be in a really good place.
There are so many of my behaviors that I had excused as being just me but they follow me no matter who I am with and what job I am doing.
When I don't drink alcohol or when I know that I'm running out of alcohol I feel so afraid. The rational part of me knows that its really time to let go of this so that I can move on with my life. I know that this job though it pays little is an opportunity for me to get things in motion again financially, socially, careerwise and educationally but ....... I don't know how to explain it. I know what I should do to get ahead. its really simple show up on time and do my job well and in 2.5 months I should be in a really good place.
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