I'm an alcoholic...or am I?
 

Is it really relevant whether or not I'm a textbook alcoholic? Why is the answer to that question bugging me so much?

I've read the Big Book, reading Under the Influence, done tons of other research since my son is an addict, posted and read here on SR like a maniac, even attended a couple of AA meetings....and I can't decide if I'm an alcoholic or not.

I'm 52 years old.I decided I wanted to stop drinking because I've drank "heavily" since 1977 (heavily meaning 10-20 drinks/week). I don't crave it during the day, never had a DUI (by the grace of God), never been told I drink too much, or that it caused problem in my relationships. As I get older, my drinking has decreased, NOT increased, but the after-affects are more difficult to overcome now.

I've never tried to quit before. I decided to quit now because I was tired of making an ass of myself when I had too much to drink. I was making sloppy parenting decisions with my 16 year old daughter. I hate hangovers. I wanted to quit to see if I could! That's basically it.

So when it came time to NOT drink, that's when I realized I had a "problem". I wanted to drink!! I WANT to sit with a girlfriend over 2-3 glasses of wine. I can't seem to say NO when someone 'insists' that I have a cocktail! When I get stressed, the first thing I think about is "Gawd, I want a drink." So there's my red flag. In the last 4-5 weeks, I haven't strung together more than 6 days sober...but I didn't get drunk either...just had a couple of glasses of wine.

I don't really feel like I belong in AA because I'm not like 'them' (yeah, I know)... but I do "have the desire to stop drinking" which is all that is required for membership, right? I just don't feel like I can relate to much of what is being shared in meetings.

ES&H please?

Sounds as if you've got the mental obsession part. You're drinking when you don't intend to. It also sounds like you can't reliably stop at one or two drinks on a consistent basis.

How badly do you want to quit?

Sometimes I relate to a lot of what other AAs share in a meeting, and other times I don't. When someone with a lower "bottom" than mine shares their story, I know that that could be my future if I don't stay sober. There have been times in my life when I've drank less and times when I drank more than I did when I quit. The thing is, I know that I do not really have control over when those times are going to be -- I just like to think I do.

A number of people I've met in the rooms have high "bottoms" like me, which helps me relate -- but they are not always the ones who share the most at meetings.

If AA meetings and the 12 steps (do you have a sponsor? are you working them?) help you to achieve your goal of not drinking, then maybe continue for a little while and see what happens. I have a feeling there is a lot more than meets the eye in AA to those of us new to recovery. OTOH, if you feel more alienated the more you go, it may not be the right thing to help you grow and get healthier. Only you can tell, through experimenting....

I think we can get caught up in labels a little, tjp :)
You have a problem and you need to fix it.

It doesn't have to be anymore complicated than that right now.

Work out what you are, or what you're not, later :)
D

I agree, Dee. I look at labelling myself kind of the same way I do as counting days. I've got a problem, and today I'm going to fix it. Tomorrow, I'll fix it again. etc...

Trying to decide seems to be an obsession now. Let go of it. You will decide when you are ready. The more you experience, the easier it will become......

Perspective makes a big difference. I didn't think I was really an alcoholic until I had several months' sobriety. I thought I'd just been a heavy drinker. Then, when I started to look back at the events that led up to me quitting, I realized that I am an alcoholic.

When you're not drunk, you have lots of time to think. As you mull over the events of the last couple of years, you'll learn a lot about yourself. You may, at some point, decide you weren't an alcoholic after all. Then again, you decide the opposite.

Labels don't matter all that much. What matters is what you learn and what you do with what you've learned.

It's funny, I could always tell if another drinker was an alcoholic, but when it comes to myself, I can't. And while I may not be clear on if I'm an alcoholic or not, I am clear about this: I have drank way beyond moderate for years and years. My tolerance has increased, my need to drink is a daily presence. I'm doing harm to my self physically, and risk doing great harm to my relationship with my wife. I don't want to wait until I get a DUI to quit, or for my doctor to tell me alcohol is killing me. Alcohol is a problem in my life, so I've quit. If tagging myself with the label of alcohoic will help my recovery, I'd wear it. I'd rather mislabel myself an alcoholic and be sober than NOT be an alcoholic and drink.

It's not the 'label' I'm concerned about.... it's whether or not I am afflicted with the disease of alcoholism.

Lexie - you're right -- I've got the mental obsession part and I can't stop at 2 drinks consistently. If I could, I wouldn't be here. Good point. How badly do I want to quit? On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd say about a 7. What I WANT is to be able to stop at 2 drinks consistently!... but I've proven that I can't do that. I can stop at 3 or 4, but not 2.

Nocoincidence and Lildawg - you make excellent points also.

I want to work the steps if for no other reason than it's mentally and psychologically a very healthy thing to do. I will continue with the meetings and will start shopping for a sponsor. I will continue with my goal of complete sobriety...which is also a very healthy thing to do!

Thank you all very much for your feedback! :tyou

Sounds like you've reached some good conclusions tjp :)

D

Sorry Carl, I didn't see your post earlier. YES! You've said it perfectly! Thank you!

Someone made an analogy the other day that made so much sense. If you were to go to the doctor and find out that you have stage 1 cancer, would you wait until it became stage 4 before you did something about it? That just made so much sense to me.

I drank for about 30 years. To most people, I looked like an alcoholic the entire time. However the last 5 years I think I drank alcoholically because;

I drank MORE than I intended to.
I drank MORE often than I intended to.
I caused MORE trouble than I intended to.

It sounds like you are on the right track and going to do what is necessary to have a healthier and happier life...yeah you!

I can relate about what you said about not relating at AA. When I quit...I was 100% sure I was an alcoholic...spending time on SR has weakened that certainty but strengthened my commitment to sobriety ...I don't give a fig about whether or not I'm an alcoholic or not ...all I care about is never drinking poison again:-)

TJP
If you're going to "war story" meetings where everyone's sitting around trying to brag about how much they drank and how stupid they acted.....well......that's not good AA and nobody gets well doing that.

If you're going to meetings looking for reasons why you don't fit - looking for differences - well, you're hurting yourself. Glass half full vs. glass half empty. Which half are you concentrating on?

At first, I don't think many ppl who walk into AA really hope to identify. Personally, I hoped I wasn't one of them so I wouldn't have to do all that "stuff." I found enough differences, didn't do that AA "stuff," continued to drink......tried unsuccessfully to control it, further ruined my life, and got a 3rd DUI. I sure showed them!

Interestingly, I went back the same guy I was the first time I walked in but this time I was a little more open minded and, low and behold, it was pretty simple to figure out I had the same thing they had - alcoholism. Sure, my circumstances were different and there are/were a lot of differences in my story vs theirs.......but the main things were the same: When I started I craved more, when I stopped I couldn't stay stopped and even when I could stay stopped, life still sucked. Those three add up to alcoholism and the BB addresses them directly: physical craving, mental obsession and spiritual malady.

I suppose I could have focused on my differences some more: didn't obsess over booze ALL the time, didn't ALWAYS drink too much, didn't ALWAYS have a physical craving when I started, didn't always drink in the morning, I hadn't puked or really had hangovers for 7 or 8 years, I hadn't lost my job, I own my own home, I still had friends and family that were close, etc.....but those particulars have little to do with REAL alcoholism.

I guess, I finally got mature enough to be willing to take an objective look at what was happening in my life and became willing to do something about it. I'm not saying you're immature nor am I saying you're an alcoholic........just that it takes maturity (+honesty and some courage) to take a good hard look at yourself to make the determination about being alcoholic or not.

Whatever YOUR truth is, I'll hope you have the ability to honestly find it.

Welcome tjp! I very rarely stopped at one drink, or if I did, it was because it was the "appropriate thing" to do. I always wanted more. I suspected I had a problem when I saw how much I looked forward that next drink, but I KNEW I had a problem when I found it impossible to stop on my own.

You're at the right place and the good news is that things don't have to get any worse for you to have a healthy, alcohol-free life! :ghug3

Daytrader - Your post is full of wonderful insight and I appreciate it. This especially: ...and the more I read in Under the Influence, the more I understand how the body adapts to long-term use of alcohol and the associated mind tricks it plays. Most interestingly I now understand that by the time a person exhibits "typical" alcoholic behaviors they have long since become addicted to alcohol. In other words DENIAL is an integral aspect of the disease....and a deadly Catch-22.

I'm so glad I started this thread. These thoughts had been bouncing around in my head all week and now I am resolved to move forward. YAY!

I did go to a meeting last night--a speaker meeting. No, I couldn't relate to her story for the most part--she has suffered greatly as a result of her drinking/drugging--but I was there to support and love her through her difficult speech, and most importantly to celebrate her 2 years clean. It was a good night.

Thank you all.

Hi tjp613. This is a really good thread. I, too, have struggled with this same question for a long time now.

There are reasons why I think I'm an alcoholic (being unable to stop at a certain number of drinks reliably, craving drinking at times, having unbearable hangovers that are interfering with my life, etc.) And there are also reasons why I have said to myself I'm not an alcoholic (I never, and I mean never, crave drinks during the day time, never go on a "bender" that lasts several days, am able to moderate at times, etc.)

I believe this has prevented me from fully giving up alcohol, which is what I want/need to do. I've decided to cast the labels aside and just stop drinking (as Dee said). And if I'm not an alcoholic, I'm pretty darn close. That is reason enough for me at this point.

I feel so much better not drinking, don't you?

Sounds like you're planning for a much healthier life, which at it's most basic, is what we're all trying to do. In my experience, people without a problem with alcohol, don't wonder if they have one. You're wondering if you have a disease.. well the disease concept is merely one of many theories related to alcoholism, some people look at it differently, but it kills just the same. I'd say, why risk it.. it sounds like your health and relationships would only be better off, same with that stinkin' mental obsession about alcohol that I remember so vividly. It's really freeing to just let it go.. and work on the rest.