support needed, long
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 139
support needed, long
So I have posted several times before. I moved in with my fiance, or should I say, ex-fiance in December of last year. I was a moderate drinker at the time. We had been together for 4 years. He had shown many signs of being abusive, but I ignored them. I have a large number of pets, 3 dogs and 4 cats, all rescues. He himself has 2 dogs. He know the most important thing in my life was my animals, and he gave nothing to them but hostility. Previous to this, he made me quit smoking or threatened to end the relationship.
I did, and chewed gum instead. then he got angry because I chewed gum. We used to moderately drink together, although it was never the type of beer I liked. Nothing new, because if I liked a restaraunt, a certain type of food, or music, he didnt like those things. But we moderately drank HIS choice of beer and we were fine. Then he said no more. He opened a pawn shop over this course of time, and decided I was an addict and like own of "his" pawners.
I had been through a controlling and abusive marriage in the past. He ticked me off i that I felt he was trying to control me. I started going through a hard time in February 2010 and said screw it. I drank when he wasn't around.
Thing of it was, it got worse and worse. I started with 2 a day. then 4, then 6. Then I started to get scared. I have been around alcoholics in my life. I know the signs and saw them in what I was doing. so I finally broke down and told him what I was doing and I wanted help.
He told me to go to AA and took me to 2 meetings. AA is very religion based and did not work for me. I stuck around sober recovery, did very well for a time. then he got angry because I asked HIM not to drink or drink around me, which led to barrage of bullcrap. In short, we got in a few fights, which at first led to me BINGE drinking, which I never have in my life (by binge I mean 12-18 beers). I got a grip, stopped again because I scared myself drinking that much. and I went back to AA, every day, sometimes twice a day, resolving to ignore the religion stuff.
We continued to fight in spite of my recovery efforts and lack of alcohol. He was abusive to my pets and that is when I knew I had to leave. I started trying to save money. Then we went through a three day rough patch
day one, he kicked my toy poodle across the room
day two, he yelled and threatened to kick me out because he lost the keys to my car
day three, he started screaming and throwing things at me. I dialed 911 and the cops came and talked him into leaving. I broke down and drank that night, I could not take anymore, turned into a binge. I did not even talk to him.The next day, he came home and saw the beer bottles. he started berating me about my alcohol problem and forced me out of the house. legally, I did not HAVE to leave, but I did to keep peace. God, I can't handle seeing my pets abused anymore and I don't want to see what he would do to me next time. I heard him on the phone while I was packing, he was calling friends and family, telling them I have an alcohol problem and he is so sick about it. I had no alcohol for weeks before the last abusive episodes. Alcohol had nothing to do with it. Yet he is telling everyone this. YES, I have a problem but I am not and have never been abusive. alcohol seems to be his excuse for abusing me, even when I have had none for weeks because I was/am trying to quit!
The other thing that acres me, why do I binge now? When I was drinking it was 5 or 6 a day. Now, when I fall, I fall hard, 12-18. I have done this several times. You'd think because I quit, I would drink less but when I do drink now I go apeshit crazy. WHYYYY? Oh please never let is happen again, I dont want to make myself sick.
I did, and chewed gum instead. then he got angry because I chewed gum. We used to moderately drink together, although it was never the type of beer I liked. Nothing new, because if I liked a restaraunt, a certain type of food, or music, he didnt like those things. But we moderately drank HIS choice of beer and we were fine. Then he said no more. He opened a pawn shop over this course of time, and decided I was an addict and like own of "his" pawners.
I had been through a controlling and abusive marriage in the past. He ticked me off i that I felt he was trying to control me. I started going through a hard time in February 2010 and said screw it. I drank when he wasn't around.
Thing of it was, it got worse and worse. I started with 2 a day. then 4, then 6. Then I started to get scared. I have been around alcoholics in my life. I know the signs and saw them in what I was doing. so I finally broke down and told him what I was doing and I wanted help.
He told me to go to AA and took me to 2 meetings. AA is very religion based and did not work for me. I stuck around sober recovery, did very well for a time. then he got angry because I asked HIM not to drink or drink around me, which led to barrage of bullcrap. In short, we got in a few fights, which at first led to me BINGE drinking, which I never have in my life (by binge I mean 12-18 beers). I got a grip, stopped again because I scared myself drinking that much. and I went back to AA, every day, sometimes twice a day, resolving to ignore the religion stuff.
We continued to fight in spite of my recovery efforts and lack of alcohol. He was abusive to my pets and that is when I knew I had to leave. I started trying to save money. Then we went through a three day rough patch
day one, he kicked my toy poodle across the room
day two, he yelled and threatened to kick me out because he lost the keys to my car
day three, he started screaming and throwing things at me. I dialed 911 and the cops came and talked him into leaving. I broke down and drank that night, I could not take anymore, turned into a binge. I did not even talk to him.The next day, he came home and saw the beer bottles. he started berating me about my alcohol problem and forced me out of the house. legally, I did not HAVE to leave, but I did to keep peace. God, I can't handle seeing my pets abused anymore and I don't want to see what he would do to me next time. I heard him on the phone while I was packing, he was calling friends and family, telling them I have an alcohol problem and he is so sick about it. I had no alcohol for weeks before the last abusive episodes. Alcohol had nothing to do with it. Yet he is telling everyone this. YES, I have a problem but I am not and have never been abusive. alcohol seems to be his excuse for abusing me, even when I have had none for weeks because I was/am trying to quit!
The other thing that acres me, why do I binge now? When I was drinking it was 5 or 6 a day. Now, when I fall, I fall hard, 12-18. I have done this several times. You'd think because I quit, I would drink less but when I do drink now I go apeshit crazy. WHYYYY? Oh please never let is happen again, I dont want to make myself sick.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,863
Well, staying in that madness is not only dangerous as far as drinking, but also physically dangerous to you and your animals. I truly hope you will get out of there and away from him. You might find that once you do, your drinking will decrease exponentially, but if it doesn't, you can always seek help for it. The most important thing is for you to stay safe.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 139
Suki I AM out now. I am staying with my mother.I took my pets and all I could fit in my car. He is telling everyone I am an alcoholic and that is the problem. I WASN'T drunk when he acted abusive over days. Not til after. That is my point. I KNOW I have a problem. and I am still going to work on it. But I just wonder, how is he the victim, according to his mindframe? He gets to act abusive and if I drink alcohol, I am a horrible person. Thank you so much for telling me to leave, I already did but that is what you should always tell someone in my position. Now I need to work on not ever binging again. I am just baffled how he makes himself to be the victim and says its because I am alcohlic. Yet I was completely and totally sober while he was acting like a monster.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Glad to see you again.....and I remember you from before.
Ok.....so this man is now out of your life?
You and your animals are safe?
I'm sure other women AA members can relate and understand
your past situation. So I think you are wise to stay
connected to them.
Many of us took awhile to actually quit drinking....I did too.
Ok.....so this man is now out of your life?
You and your animals are safe?
I'm sure other women AA members can relate and understand
your past situation. So I think you are wise to stay
connected to them.
Many of us took awhile to actually quit drinking....I did too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 139
Carol I am in my mothers house now. so in a sense I am safe. I will be going to my own house that I was trying to sell later this week. I would stay here, but my mom is a recovered alcholic with severe brain damage due to the alcohol. She will be fine for months, then starts acting strange and has episodes. She was put in the hospital several times. She has insurance and they checked her thoroughly with a neourologist. Her brain tissue is that of an 80 year old, though she is only 56. I spent money on an attorney and she signed papers to make me her guardian. Part of the reason I cannot continue to have an alcohol problem, if I do and something happens, I will not qualify to be her guardian. I am going back to my own house as soon as I can, I need to feel like I have control over my own life again. I wish I still had contact with the AA ladies but I lfet my pamphlets with their phone numbers up where I used to live.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Gee.....I'm sorry your Mother needs attention at times
but what a good daughter you are...
Why not check out what AA is near you now?
You could bring her along ...if she feels up to it.
And Open meetings are for anyone...
not only alcoholics.
That should have no bearing on your guardenship.
but what a good daughter you are...
Why not check out what AA is near you now?
You could bring her along ...if she feels up to it.
And Open meetings are for anyone...
not only alcoholics.
That should have no bearing on your guardenship.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Bubblehead - I'm sorry you are going through this 
I would like to suggest a book for you that I think you'll find very interesting....so interesting that you'll probably have a hard time putting it down. It's called Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.
Many of your questions will be answered...the ones that have baffled you for a long time.
Please put your safety...and the safety of your animals...first.
I would like to suggest a book for you that I think you'll find very interesting....so interesting that you'll probably have a hard time putting it down. It's called Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.
Many of your questions will be answered...the ones that have baffled you for a long time.
Please put your safety...and the safety of your animals...first.
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 1,262
Oh wow, Bubblehead. I just read this. Your ex is an evil, evil man. Anyone who can hurt an innocent animal is pure scum. Run and stay away from him with everything you have. Do it for yourself and your pets. And I'm so glad you are all safe.
No one should make you feel ashamed about your alcohol problems. You need take care of yourself so that you can be strong for your animals and your mother. My heart broke when I read about her brain damage from alcohol.
This can be your new start. I wish you well and I know you'll get lots of good constructive advice on this site.
Take care.
No one should make you feel ashamed about your alcohol problems. You need take care of yourself so that you can be strong for your animals and your mother. My heart broke when I read about her brain damage from alcohol.
This can be your new start. I wish you well and I know you'll get lots of good constructive advice on this site.
Take care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 139
Thank you guys for the support and thanks for the book suggestion. I saw the amazon link, I dont even want to wait so I am going to see if barnes and noble has it. ANYTHING that will help me understand this will make me feel better. We were together for almost 5 years. I am heartbroken but I know very much I need to stay away. My exhusband was abusive, he'd hit me but he would have never hurt my pets. Seeing them harmed was worse than being harmed myself. I can never go back. I need the strength to not drink but I need the strength to stay away from that situation too. I have talked to him a few times since I left, and he accepts no responsibility. He keeps me talking about my drinking problem and how he is worried sick about me and thinking about going to al-anon so he can understand it better. There was no alcohol involved, I hadn't drank in weeks and the ABUSE is why the police were called. I just have a hard time seeing how he doesn't see it. He wants to understand my alcoholic behavior. Yet he has no desire to acknowledge or understand his OWN abusive behavior. I am not abusive, I just drank. I didn't hurt anyone other than myself. He DID. He hurt me, he hurt innocent animals that loved him.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 711
Hey there - I can relate to what you are going through. I'm in an abusive marriage and have been for the past 12 years. I finally figured out that I just need to keep my side of the street clean, so to speak. Take care of my own health and myself.
Some people out there like to call others names and put labels on them. They can't help to be judgemental and they are NEVER wrong in their little world.
She knows my buttons, but now I know it's how I react. A good thing for you is that you aren't married so you can make a clean break if you have the willpower to do so. Nobody deserves to be belittled, touched, have violence around them, have their own pets hurt. He is only trying to paint the picture that he is the sane angel. So I say big deal, let him act that way. You know yourself better than anyone and you certainly don't have to answer to him or anyone else.
Some people out there like to call others names and put labels on them. They can't help to be judgemental and they are NEVER wrong in their little world.
She knows my buttons, but now I know it's how I react. A good thing for you is that you aren't married so you can make a clean break if you have the willpower to do so. Nobody deserves to be belittled, touched, have violence around them, have their own pets hurt. He is only trying to paint the picture that he is the sane angel. So I say big deal, let him act that way. You know yourself better than anyone and you certainly don't have to answer to him or anyone else.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by bubblehead 
When I was drinking it was 5 or 6 a day. Now, when I fall, I fall hard, 12-18. I have done this several times. You'd think because I quit, I would drink less but when I do drink now I go apeshit crazy. WHYYYY? Oh please never let is happen again, I dont want to make myself sick.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Bubble
I'm very sorry your even trying to figure this man out. Abusive men are never wrong, always right and never acknowledge their own shortcomings. You can't figure him out because you are not an abusive person. They are controlling and unforgiving. Putting the blame on you is his way of making himself feel better and keep him from facing what an awful despicable man he is. Stay away from this man and get some counseling for yourself.
You need to figure out why you are putting up with abusive men! You don't need to waste your time trying to understand him. It's useless. Don't even get me started on the animal situation!! Your a kind ,caring person and this situation is killing your soul.
Please, for your own well being get some help. You deserve it. No one and I mean NO ONE has to, or deserves to live this way. This is not love, but hatred towards women and defenseless animals. The real hatred is towards himself. My heart goes out to you. I pray you take the steps to end this nightmare and find some peace and love in your life.
God Bless
I'm very sorry your even trying to figure this man out. Abusive men are never wrong, always right and never acknowledge their own shortcomings. You can't figure him out because you are not an abusive person. They are controlling and unforgiving. Putting the blame on you is his way of making himself feel better and keep him from facing what an awful despicable man he is. Stay away from this man and get some counseling for yourself.
You need to figure out why you are putting up with abusive men! You don't need to waste your time trying to understand him. It's useless. Don't even get me started on the animal situation!! Your a kind ,caring person and this situation is killing your soul.
Please, for your own well being get some help. You deserve it. No one and I mean NO ONE has to, or deserves to live this way. This is not love, but hatred towards women and defenseless animals. The real hatred is towards himself. My heart goes out to you. I pray you take the steps to end this nightmare and find some peace and love in your life.
God Bless
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
Well, I think you know what you have to do. You have to get out of the relationship and end it. Now, before you get any farther into it.
You say you were in an abusive marriage before, well, then, you know all the warning signs. Why are you binge drinking? I don't know, because I don't know you. but I'll tell why I ended up that way -- to numb the pain of an abusive marriage. And yes, gave my husband an excuse to be more abusive. It has gotten slightly better since I quit drinking, but it is still there.
Get out of the relationship, move, and quit drinking. You'll be okay.
You say you were in an abusive marriage before, well, then, you know all the warning signs. Why are you binge drinking? I don't know, because I don't know you. but I'll tell why I ended up that way -- to numb the pain of an abusive marriage. And yes, gave my husband an excuse to be more abusive. It has gotten slightly better since I quit drinking, but it is still there.
Get out of the relationship, move, and quit drinking. You'll be okay.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
