Bellasprogram

While my mother was sick and dying I would often live with her for months at a time; cooking, cleaning, paying bill, running her to doctor appointments, etc. At other times I would have nurses coming into her home to care for her. I lived 2 hours away and had responsibilities here I had to deal with. I had a sister that lived 20 minutes away from her, but was so emotionally abusive to mom they very rarely got together.
Close to the end of her life dementia began to set into mom's mind.During a very bad episode she accused me of stealing a ring that she had wanted to leave for her grand daughter after her death. She confronted me one day over the phone during one of my sister's rare visit to her house. It was a very ugly conversation that ended in tears and screaming. I was 9 years into sobriety and had changed my life 100%. I was recovering into a decent human being and it showed in the way I was living! I did not take this ring!
When my mom became lucid and realized what she had done she was very sorry. I forgave her and nothing more was said about the incident.
When she passed away I cut my ties to my sister. I simply don't like her as a person and don't want to be around her. However, years have now gone by and for some reason NO ONE else in my family wants to hear from me!!! I have called relatives that I was once close to and NO ONE returns my calls.
This has lead me to only one explanation--my sister has shared this terrible and false accusation with the rest of my family.
It's very sad for me to think that if I wasn't an alcoholic then this rumor wouldn't be believed so quickly and completely. I can change my life but can't change my family's opinion of me. They've decided this is what they want to believe. When I turned my disease over to God I was willing to give up everything to stay sober. I didn't know my family was going to be included in the package.
The fact is that there are as many painful losses in recovery as there were when I was drinking my life up. If I thought that being sober was going to make everything better I was wrong--it doesn't! I think about all the things I actually did and got away with when I was drinking--now I think of this accusation and how wrong it is--yes, it bothers me. I thought I was close to these people but I must have been mistaken. Has ANYONE out there experienced anything like this?

GettingStronger2

Well, not like that.

Last week, I had to defend myself to CYFD in NM (essentially child protective services) against a false and (in my opinion) intentionally malicious accusation that I am a neglent mother and my kids were in danger. The investigator knew it was false, partially from some of the things reported, and mostly from talking to me, my kids and seeing us together.

It was rough. It was difficult, I am not going to lie. It was painful. But for me, I have a strong faith in God, and I just had to surrender it. I have made it through so far.

I am sure you will get through it.

We all did some things while actively drinking that probably make it easier for people to believe false accusations. All you can do is move forward and be a decent person. You know the truth, and the truth shall set you free! (At least in your own heart and mind!)

keithj

Bella,

Sounds like you are being dominated by something somebody else may or may not have done. The book goes on to tell us our course. 'We realized they, like ourselves, were perhaps spiritually sick.' And then I can look at where I have done the same thing, or similar things, to them or others. I look at where I've been selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, and fearful.

Or, I can keep being owned by the actions of the people of the world.

lildawg

I have never been accused of stealing anything. However, I was so mean and nasty when I was drinking that many members of my family still don't want to be around me.

Here's what I'll tell you: In some families, when you don't come around, that's when the animosity builds. I am not sure why this is, but, whoever is not there gets gossiped about.

If you want to rebuild the relationships, you can probably do it. It'll just take some effort and patience.

:ghug3

jamdls

I too had to deal with a couple of false child protective services issues when my daughter was young, it had nothing to do with drinking as I rarely drank back then but the 2nd wife hated me so much she wanted to cause trouble for me. It was awful even though the CPS people believed me.
Getting sober doesn't fix everything, I've been sober 3 yrs now and I thought my sobriety would bring my daughter and I close again (she's now 29) but it hasn't, the damage is done and she may never get over the mess I made of my life even though I have.

stugotz

To thine own self be true.

LexieCat

I agree with what the others have shared.

I'll tell you one thing, I'd rather be the subject of a false allegation than a TRUE one.

CarolD

Praers for your peace going out..

tjp613

I, too, have recently cut ties with my sister...2 years after the death of my mother...and what a relief to finally have her out of my hair!! The straw that broke the camel's back for me was when I received a scathing email from her 30 yr old daughter (my niece!) telling me what a horrible person I was for the way I'd treated her mother all these years (huh???) and went on and on and on about every fault and flaw that she could think of. It was HORRIBLE and I was in total shock. Stuff about my life that wasn't even close to the truth...but she must have heard it from somewhere! (Hmmm, lemme think....) I never trusted her and now I know that my instincts were right on.

I refuse to ever be in the same room with her again, so that naturally will exclude me from many family gatherings. To me, it's worth it. I don't care what others think of me (or at least I'm working real hard on that) and I prune toxic people from my life on a regular basis. I'm too old for that $&#!

AmericanGirl

Bella, sorry to hear you are going through this painful and frustrating situation. I don't know what there is to do about it, but I do hope you will find peace by concentrating more on your own sense of your character than what others think. I know that's hard to do.

AlcoholicOrNot

Bella,

Thanks goodness the person that mattered most in this scenario - your mother, realized what she had said / done and apologized to you before she passed.

Many of us have similar stories. Sometimes family comes back together and sometimes they don't.

May I make a suggestion? Write a sincere letter explaining the situation from your perspective and how hurt you feel for being ostracized from the family. Send it certified or signature required so at least you know it's been delivered.
If the family still excludes you and doesn't return your calls then you've got to move on. You've tried. After all, you cannot control how people behave and what they think.

Life still happens - sober or drunk. However, handling life sober wins hands down over drunkenness.

Confucius said, "To Be Wronged Is Nothing Unless You Continue To Remember It."

MaryAnn100

Bella,

I did stuff when I was drunk that was wrong. However, you know how stories get exaggerated and lost in gossip sessions. My mother's sisters don't speak to me, this hurts as I was very kind to three of them. They have said stuff to me that even made my alcohol counsellor laugh at the ridiculousness of some of the stuff. I don't need to go into the ins and outs of it.

One consolation to me is that they do not speak to my mother's grandchildren either so what does that say about them. I count myself lucky most of the time that I don't have to deal with their dysfunctional shite anymore.

It does hurt to be ostracised and the subject of rumour and a complete lack of understanding or compassion. You are blessed your mother apologised to you. You have peace with her. Forget the others even though it's painful sometimes not to feel connected to your family.

Annette