sleepie

I have been working a lot and for minimum wage. I am stressing. I am tired. I can't relax or focus and if I drink one more cup of chamomile tea I am going to start passing blossoms. That s*** doesn't work. I want a beer and I want to drift off to sleep. NO I am not going to drink but I am sad and alone and a couple of people really pi**ed me off today. And some random kids actually threw s*** at me in the street and shouted profanities at me and asked if they could "f***" me like a "b****". I pulled out my phone and said I was calling the cops. They didn't give a d***. F*** them and f*** it all. And my tics and obsessive thoughts are back because I am stressed out... I am tired of being caring and loving and entertaining to the kids I babysit but I desperately need the money and I truly do adore the kids but I NEVER got loved, I got beat to s*** and when I spend time with them and see how kind their parents are it makes me cry at home alone and it makes me really sad and I am SO TIRED.

Che

Poor sleepie

When this happens to me and my mind is racing, I always feel like it is the end of the world. For me though, it passes if I let it, and then I feel okay again the next day. I hope it does for you too. There is some truth to this song, I find:

When you walk through the storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark
At the end of the storm
There's a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of the lark

Walk on, through the wind
Walk on, through the rain
Though your dreams be tossed and blown
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone

Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone



Just keep going... Maybe try a different flavour of tea haha.

LexieCat

Sleepie,

When is your next appointment with your therapist?

Don't worry about the dumb kids. They are just dumb kids--who cares what they say? They don't know you, so ignore them.

Sorry you are feeling so stressed.

Hugs,

sleepie

The dumb kids in my neck of the woods shoot people. I have seen it. People need to STOP procreating. I am all in favor of enforced sterilization. Stop it before they are born, they all just want to kill people anyway. Therapy is in a few days.

LexieCat

Yikes on the kids. Yeah, there are some out there like that.

Well, I wish I could suggest something to help. Hang in there, you've been doing so good.

Dee74

(((sleepie)))
D

sleepie

And I'm on day ten now and I am disgustingly fat! I hate this. I stopped drinking and I have been eating less. Even over the summer, if I stopped drinking alone for maybe two or three days I lost 5 pounds almost immediately. I look disgusting and I do not feel the rewards of quitting at all, and before even after a day or two I'd feel better and lighter

heideho

Sleepie,

So sorry you are stressed and feeling bad. I do not have any advice on the mean kids except that maybe if you do not react to them hopefully they will get bored and find another target. Very scary, my heart goes out to you. I was terrorized as a kid all through school. It is not fun and I can relate.

Don't worry about the weight it will come off. I have a very close friend in AA and she gained a lot of weight due to drinking. Right now she is concentrating on staying sober because she knows that she can alway work on the weight later. Sobriety is #1 right now, and without it she will neither have the will or the way to loose the weight when she is ready to deal with it.

Just don't pick up that first drink. Stay in today, the past is over and the future is yet to come so you can't do anything about either one. Be easy and good to yourself.

Hope you feel better soon. Lots of huggs and kisses.

BullDog777

i'm sorry that happend to you. i'm a pretty big, intimidating looking dude so i've never been afraid when i was out somewhere. that sucks. nobody deserves that.

and sometimes people suck....i was abused as a kid too and the first person i ever really beat up badly was my dad when i was 14. after that he knew what i was capable of and i was left alone. i didn't deserve the crap i got and neither do you.

if you're a loving person by nature and if that's you, "F" it...be who you wanna be. don't let the actions of some dic*less a$$holes change you.

i don't know what the laws are in your state, but the day i turned 21 i registered for a concealed weapons permit and exercised my 2nd amendment right to protect myself. i did it legally, and if you have that option and are afraid for your saftey you might look in to it too.

most artistic people are sensitive people to begin with and coupling that with alcohol withdrawal and the struggle you're in and you have someone who just needs a break and some rest.

as far as your weight, it'll come off. you need to take care of the things in the order that they mess up your life.

Sleepie, my advise is to take a long, hot bath, grab some ice-cream and F the world.

YOU WILL COME OUT OF THIS IF YOU SOLIDER ON. drinking is not the answer, i know you know that.

i guess more than anything, i just wanna say i'm in your corner. i pray for you all of the time and i'll remain an ear anytime you need someone to listen. i know you feel very alone and sad right now, but you have a mass of friends on these boards that will lift you up when you're down and carry you when you can't walk. we are your friends and family if you'll let us be and that will never change as long as you fight the good fight.



head up, Sleepie, be strong.

bulldog

sleepie

Thanks Bulldog. I ate a bad thing, that won't help my diet at all but I'll start working on that in a few days. I know it sounds really messed up but that must have been SO satisfying to beat down your abuser. I went down the old "HALT" list. Not hungry... now. Angry yes. Lonely yes. So I called a friend who is also getting some sober time and I am bringing over a couple of movies to watch. Now I know I'll get through for today.

As for weapons, since I was hospitalized in a state hospital due to lack of insurance, I can never have a weapon.

Although I guess I could walk around with a hatchet in case any branches get in my way.


Thanks all.

jamdls

There's a lot of things in life we can't control like obnoxious kids, wages, etc so stay strong with something you can control and that is your drinking don't let those bad things win don't drink. When I quit drinking I gained 25 pounds, because I ate chocolate constantly, but so what at least I was sober and eventually I got around to losing all that weight

sleepie

I am stuck in an OCD cycle. No I am not going to drink but I want to put a bullet through my skull to make it stop. I can't concentrate or enjoy anything at all. I hate my grey matter. It's the stress of everything. I can't take it. No words can express this pain.

ItsMe23

Hang in there, things can go up. Just keep doing what you can to keep your mind off things

Sudz No More

Don't give in Sleepie it'll get easier as we go. I felt some urges today going home but I just avoided them and they are gone now.

Keep up the good work, it will pay off for you down the road.

sleepie

That's the problem with OCD- you can't get your mind off things. It's like a multi layered maze you can never escape. Imagine being trapped in an Escher drawing... Each thought leads to a new one, turned over and over like a rubik's cube, but you can never beat it. No matter what you do, you realize that you are still obsessing. There is no distraction. Don't be confused- I am not thinking about drinking. My brain just latches onto everything no matter what it is and not in a constructive way and it cannot be channeled into something. A snake eating it's tail. I hate it and I feel so alone because nobody gets it. I wish I could just fade out when it gets like this.

Dee74

Have you got a therapist for the OCD Sleepie?
I'd maybe call them - I agree with you, it's good to talk to people who understand

D

ItsMe23

No I don't have ocd. But I have a racing mind and tend tl dwell on things. I am a very nervous person. Hang iñ there friend

BullDog777

i get it and you know i do. i've been through CBT therapy and you CAN get your mind off of it but you have to push yourself to be uncomfortable in the moment until you level off and decide that this is something you CAN control.

research cognitive behavior therapy this evening. try some exercises. there are PLENTY of them online.

if not, get outside your head. stop obsessing and mindf%cking yourself. if you can't leave the house watch a long movie, dance, read....but you know you have to break the cycle to control it.

be still and relax..take some deep breaths and calm down i can almost hear your mind winding up.

this will get better. i PROMISE...most likely it's been triggered by yesterday's unfortunate occurence and might be compounding your anxiety and worsening any lingering withdrawal symptoms.

Aliss

sleepie, when I feel like what you describe...mind racing, insanity setting in on me, ten different topics+scenarios going on in my mind...thinking about nothing and everything all at once..

I draw, I drew my avatar when I was feeling overwhelmed and chewing my own tongue off with anxiety.

or I would drink...but hopefully I'll just draw now.

Do you ever write?

I find it's like a release, a meditation almost...your focused on one thing and that's what's coming out of the end of your pencil.

sleepie

Okay. My bike was stolen today. I am officially beyond feeling anything besides my head threatening to explode. Three benzos and some ice cream. The threshold has been crossed.