Hudstar

(Brief exposition: Currently wallowing at rock bottom, like so many times before. Very scared about the future as well as the present. Very sick and totally consumed by alcohol. Any denial left me years ago. But within this darkness I can now, tentatively, feel the seed of recovery taking root and that is only because I know, without question, that I only have two choices left to me: life or death. I've been living between the two for too long now and you don't have to be a doctor to know that such a lifestyle promises little longevity).

So anyway, in thinking about an alcohol-free future, the thing I get hung up on more than most seems to be the prospect of.... coming out of the closet? Telling friends and family the truth and thereafter having it known that I'm an alcoholic. I need some advice if anyone can help, but please, I'm aware that the positive arguments (the freedom of honesty, respect, support) totally outweigh the perceived negatives (paranoia, stigma) but I would really like to know from people who have done it; how they did it, the reaction they received, how they feel perceived afterwards, that kind of thing.

It terrifies me, letting this genie out of the bottle (pun intended, I guess) and having people I trust perceive me differently - but I know that with things as bad as they are, I can only project the most negative aspects of myself anyway.

Thanks for listening

CarolD

Your wall may not be as solid as you think.
I've noticed people who appear to be not drinking
do smell of alcohol and they simply act a bit
off kilter.

My point is ..perhaps no one is going to be as shocked
as you think.
I'm sure those who havve your well being in mind
would be glad you are heading into a healthier future.


Ok....when I was a drinker....I lived 900 miles from my non
drinking religious parents. I told my Mom...by phone...
"I've quit drinking....and I attend AA"
she replied.....
:That's nice...did you go to church this morning?"

All my social circle were at best...excessive drinkers.
They thought I did not need to quit....and most
drifted away when I continued to be sober.

That worked out to my benefit....because I then had time
to work on my sobriety and establish new non drinking
AA friendships.

Jobs? I always said I was in AA when I applied
I never found that a barrier....sometimes it was a plus.

Hope you find your answers....living without alcohol
has been a win win lifestyle for me....

endzoner

Hi Hud first off welcome to the SR family, 2ndly good job on finally comeing to terms with your addiction . it can and does get so much better , giving the desire to want it and workin at what ever you decide to help you achieve that goal . Be it AA or any other programs out there in your community .
As for popping that cork and letting it pour out . You mite be honnestly shocked that those around you who know you best already know , but for so many dont feel its there duty to say something to you , after all its your choice.
And as many around here will agree ,It really dont matter if someone else thinks what I am , its a matter of what i beleive i am .
The telling of the secret is hard to do .. but rest assured it feels so much better to get that burdensome monkey off your back ,. In recovery its so much better if we have support of those who love and want nuttin but the best for us . It takes a bigger stronger person to come clean then it does to keep the secret , and not to mention its those very same secrets that keep us sick .
Addictions dont care if your suggesful or or not , its not bias.. so to shock them more then lily wont happen , they probly already know and are just waiting for you to come to them to seek help and support . commin here is a big step , youll find many good tools and experiences .. again welcome to the family and look forward to reading whats going on
one more thing ,, one day at a time does really help .. Huggles Endzy !

NEOMARXIST

Hey man. Good to hear from you again mate. I'm sorry that you're in a bad place, but that's the only inevitable outcome for an alcoholic who continues to drink.

For me mate then admitting I was an alcoholic was probably a massive relief for those close to me. I'd had people chucking the A word at me for a good couple of years and it really used to annoy me and really get to me. I would refer to myself as anything but an alkie. Why? Because I guess when everybody knows you're an alcoholic and you have openly admitted it then there ain't no turning back, no more drinking 'just for today' as people once they know you're an alcoholic, know that you shouldn't be drinking.

At the end of the day mate then I was deeply ashamed to be a drunk but I ain't ashamed to be a recovering alcoholic. Far from it, by truly accepting to my innermost core that I'm an alcoholic was my salvation. I know what I am each day and what I musn't ever do at the baseline level i.e- take that first drink.

Whenever anybody saw me out and about then I was always off my face. People used to say that to me all the time, especially the nice girls, like you're always wasted evrytime we see you. Yes, I sought out lower and lower places to drink until I only drank just alone. Park benches were where i did a lot of my drinking before coming home with vodka bottles in my boxers to sneek it in.

When I got sober then I was done with alcohol and drugs. I don't tell just anybody I'm an alcoholic, of course not. But those who needed to know? Then I pulled no punches. It has served me well for the past 14+ months.

Everybody at my job for the past year knows I don't drink and why and I got nothing but respect. It really ain't a big deal to other people if you really feel zero shame yourself. I don't feel any shame and embrace my recovery as a gift.

When I got sober then I knew that for me there were only three possible outcomes if I continued to drink; Prison, mental institution or death.

I'm glad I continue to stay sober 'just for today' and truly accepting myself as an alcoholic and being rigorously honest is what keeps my recovery moving forwards positively 'one day at a time'.

To be honest I haven't had one negative reaction, but then anybody who saw me drink, then it came as no shock. Those who didn't just accept me as a non-drinker and if they ask then I tell them why, I ain't never had a problem with this, like I say I have gained much respect to be honest. Maybe it's because I was 23 when I got sober so that maybe a factor? Everybpdy knows how drinking is such a massive part of life in UK. So committing to sobriety is something to be commended.

I notice drunks instantly now. I can smell alcohol on people's breath after one drink. I must have used to stink of booze for days! I never realised it.

All The Best

jamdls

Hi Hudstar, welcome to SR. Like Carol said the walls we think we have about our drinking problems are often made of glass. When I stopped drinking I lived at least 2000 miles from any family members, and I had not seen any of my family at that time for over 10 yrs-- there wasn't any bad blood I'm just a loner. My rock bottom put me in the hospital for a week (alcohol and RX drug overdose), on the 6th day my parents happened to call me on my cell, I told them what I had done and also that at that point the doctors did not know if I was going to survive. My dad's response "I'm not surprised", my mother's response "did the EMT's lock the door behind you". I then got phone calls from 3 of my siblings offering to help me in any way possible. My 'walls' were apparently paper thin.

When the EMT’s came (I live alone and had been unconscious for 36 hours but somehow regained conscience) I had them call my boss-- I don’t know what he said to them-- during the first 5 days I was in the hospital I left numerous lunatic (withdrawal brain) messages for my boss then finally a sane message after I was released from the hospital. I went back to work 11 days after the overdose and talked to my boss and his only reaction was something like “take care of yourself you can conquer this”. I had worked for this man for about 10 yrs at the time of the overdose, he had never even seen me drink; however, I had come in to work hungover thousands of times and had called in “sick” practically once a week, I continue to work for him. “Friends” I had were drinking buddies so I chose to stay away from them and have only seen 3 of them in the last 3 years and now that I don’t drink we really don’t have anything in common. It was at least a year after I got sober before I began to tell co-workers and fairly new acquaintances of my alcohol problem and they were all surprised, but all (except 1) were very impressed by the fact that I had conquered the problem. (That “1” was of the opinion that there is no hope for alcoholics, I’ve not spoken to him since).
You can overcome.
God Bless

DayTrader

I didn't really go and tell everyone. I went to AA and started doing the work....I started feeling better.....I was recovering. When I felt comfortable to talk about it with friends and family not many of them were shocked (ah, my dear old mom was shocked.....bless her soul...lol) but NONE of them had not noticed a change in me lately. Thanks Higher Power, AA, and thanks to me being willing do some work...my life started improving.


So...... I say........ don't tell anyone......yet. Let your actions speak for you.

--

Recovery isn't about running around spouting off how many day, months, or years sobriety you have - it's about living a live that you enjoy, enjoying others in your life and having them enjoy you.

--

LexieCat

I tell people on a "need to know" basis. If you are married or have a serious relationship, I think your partner needs to know. Probably anyone you live with should know. Beyond that, it depends on whether they have a legitimate need to know, and/or your own comfort level.

Dee74

I was always a secret drinker, but my alcoholism got so bad I just didn't care in the end...but I still thought a squirt of deodorant would hide the fact I hadn't bathed that day, not to mention my red eyes, shaking form, and unsteady steps.

No wonder noone sat near me on the bus.

The fact was everyone knew...

so when I decided to change my life, I told everyone, I just told them straight.

All my friends were drinking buddies and I wanted no bolt holes left where I could run to and drink... everyone was aware of my problem and, bar the worst of the drinking buddies, everyone was very supportive.

Noone wanted to see me dead, and several of my friends were worried for a long time it would come to that.

D

pinetree

You can tell others, and they probably know anyway, but you really need the support of other aklys and some kind of recovery plan. For me it was AA. Good luck. Please do something soon before it is too late. Pinetree

TheEnd

My partner blew my cover a long time ago, and when I finally stopped drinking, everyone had witnessed the disaster my life was becoming.

Now if only I could get him to look at himself......

LawMama

I worried about this, too, until I started to take it one day at a time. I just started going to AA as often as I could get to a meeting, stopped drinking, and started to feel better. At a certain point it no longer seemed important to talk to people about it but I am not ashamed if it comes up. It really isn't anyone's business unless you live with them. Now my good friends and family know and have been very supportive (which is saying a lot since my immediate family are all active alcoholics). Take one step and go from there. The first step for me was not drinking and going to meetings.

TwelveSteps

Hi Hudstar,

I had a very high bottom and mostly drank at home, alone, every night, so everyone in my life was very surprised to hear me say that I had stopped drinking and was going to AA.

After the initial shock, everyone has been extremely supportive. Mostly they are just curious about what AA is like and if I feel differently now that I'm not drinking. I don't feel stigmatized. Friends go out of their way to have special non-alcoholic cocktails for me when they have parties, etc. I feel like they almost treat my being sober similarly to my being a vegetarian.

The only place I am not "out" is at work, but it really doesn't come up. We once had a work wine-tasting event and I just pretended I was too busy to attend. I'm comfortable with not making things public at work (it helps that I got sober after getting laid off, so no one I work with now knew me when I was drinking).

Good luck. I have to say that the great feelings that come with being open with the people I care about far outweigh the fear I faced in admitting to then that I was an alcoholic.

GG

Hudstar

Thanks everybody for your great advice and insight. SR; you never dissapoint!

I should probably have added that my anxiety on this issue is compounded heavily by our experiences with my late father.

He died a year ago from complications resulting from his own alcoholism. Over the 10 years leading up to his death, his condition took us all on a miserable journey as we (me, my brother and mother) strove to support him and look after him through one humiliating and dangerous outrage after another. As my own drinking began to take me over, the degradation of my own hypocrisy while dealing with him, the sheer guilt, almost finished me. With his death, it was like the brakes were released and what little restraint I had towards drinking vanished. I can't truly say it was grief alone, although I miss him terribly -I loved him so much; he was a good, gentle man destroyed by alcohol. I'm an alcoholic so it was probably down to the suddenly available time I had which I didn't while I was caring for him.

So you see, my trepidation towards recovery mostly stems from the fear and shame of putting my family, who has just started to come to terms with life without Dad, on the same painful treadmill all over again.

Yet, I know they'll support me unequivocably after they get over any shock (yeah right; so this twitching, paranoid, depressed and frail train-wreck of a son and brother and friend had a drink problem all along?! Who would've thunk?).

Ahhh to hell with it all. Done with this baggage.

'Sobriety is coming'

LexieCat

Your recovery won't put them on the treadmill; your continuing to drink, would.

My own drinking ramped up after dealing with the near-death experience, and subsequent return to drinking, of my second husband. So I can relate to that.

As you progress in your recovery, the old baggage will be something you can leave behind.