IrishEyes88

I feel scared, sad, sick, guilty, embarassed....

I drank pretty much all day yesterday. I'll spare you the details of that because that's not really the point. Usually, when I mess up like that, the next day is full of hope because I think to myself, "that never has to happen again. I'm sober right now and that's what's important."

I can't get into that positive mindset today. I'm sick and tired of the hundreds of "day 1" that never turn into any substantial amount of sober days. I'm scared I'm doing horrible damage to my body. I just want alcohol out of my life, but I don't know how to live without it!!!

I don't know what my point is...just had to get that out. If anyone else is having a hard time, I'm right there with you and maybe we can help eachother.

keithj

How has this idea worked out for you? Has being sober right now, today, done anything to keep you sober?

You mention 'hundreds of Day 1s'. From my experience and knowledge of alcoholism, hundreds of day ones is exactly the alcoholic condition. The problem is that utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how much I wanted to or needed to.

I bounced around for a good long while, thinking that sympathy and support from others who were stuck in the same cycle as me would help me stay sober. It did not.

What I needed was someone to show me how they stayed sober for good and all. I found those people in AA. They showed me the precise actions I could take to recover. I did what they did, and I haven't drank for many years as a result.

DayTrader

Maybe it's because you're now seeing that "day-after hope" you used to feel for what it really might have been - false hope.

I love the first page of Step 1 in the 12&12 has to say on this subject: It is truly awful to admit that, glass in hand, we have warped our minds into such an obsession for destructive drinking that only an act of Providence can remove it from us. No other kind of bankruptcy is like this one. ....Once this stark fact is accepted, our bankruptcy as going human concerns is complete.

I'd encourage you to read the rest of that page and the following pages (p21 - 24). They're short and it's good stuff.

You can find it here: Alcoholics Anonymous : Click on the Book You Would Like to Read
--just open that webpage, click on the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions "book" in light blue on the right hand side of the page and it'll download the whole book in .pdf form.

Sally1009

Dear Irisheyes,
I'm right where you are now - your words could have been mine. Just wanted you to know I'm there with you, in the fire and pain. x

IrishEyes88

Maybe the positive attitude is the problem. I get this false sense that everything is ok and the future is bright and sunny. Next thing I know I'm just having a few shots just to relax. Everythings ok!

But it's not ok, and it's never "just a few."

Maybe i really have to look at the situation exactly for what it is. I know I should go to aa or something. I'm just scared.

jazzz

Hi IrishEyes88. Good to see you're reaching out, because that is exactly what you need to do at the moment. I feel you. You want alcohol out of your life but seem unable too do that on your own. I was there a little over a year ago. I just couldn't stand what alcohol did to me, yet I could not eliminate it from my life. I "had to" put it in my body at some point, or else I'd get irritable, angry discontent. I needed help, so I reached out. My help came from the fellowship of AA. They gave me clear cut directions and those directions have worked miracles for this bloke

My life today is much much better than it was when I drank. It's far from perfect but I'd soooo much rather have this one than the fantasy I was living in when active. There is hope for you and a solution if you want it.

Please come back and share more. People here are very supportive and helpful. I wish you all the best!

Love,

Jazzz

DayTrader

I was the same way..... I had this masterful way of convincing myself that it wasn't reeeeeeeeally a problem even though I KNEW it was. My true skill in this regard was really put on display in the 10 - 30 minutes before I picked up another drink - a drink that I knew I shouldn't drink.

I was scared as helllllllll to go to AA - so I didn't. Of course, the troubles got worse and I continued to lose at this game of life until I finally got some divine intervention in the form of a judge slapping an alcohol tether on me and ordering me to AA. I went in kicking, screaming, mad at that judge, and so sick and tired of my own BS and the trouble I had created that I didn't know WHAT to do. I thank God all the time that He didn't wait for me to make the decision to come to AA willingly - on my own. It was one of the best gifts I've ever received.

IrishEyes88

Thanks for all the replies. Daytrader, I'm going to read that link. I need all the inspiration I can get.

Let me tell you how ridiculous the situation has gotten. Saturday night, after a drinking session with my husband, he hid half a bottle of whisky in the garage. The next day he couldn't find it anywhere! He asked me where it was but I was 97% sure I didn't move it. He also had no recollection if hiding it.

Later, he called me from work and we continued to discuss where it might be, and if I couldn't find it, make sure to get to the store before it closed at 5pm to get some more rum for the night. I eventually found it in the tool box. He still had no memory of putting it there.

But I thought to myself, what a ridiculous conversation to have. Normal people don't have that conversation. Discussing where the alcohol is cuz we were too drunk to remember, and instead of taking that as a sign to stop drinking, discuss getting more!!!!

It's total insanity. It was embarrassing to even write that.

ItsMe23

I feel your pain too, its like "i'll just have this one drink, you know to make me feel good" Next thing you know half the bottle if gone, and making decisions that will bring feelings of regret the next day.

CarolD

I heard this years ago ....
"Everyone builds castles in the air sometimes
only alcoholics move in"

Please do find something that allows you freedom
and clarity.....vacate that vicious cycle...
move into your reality.....

Glad to see you here again Irish....

DayTrader

LOL!!! That's awesome! Ya see, I think that conversation is completely "normal." What's abnormal to me is how someone can order a drink, let it sit there soooooo long that the ice is 90% melted, take a couple sips and not finish the darn thing. I also think it's abnormal to not be able to find the POWER that's in a drink - how can anyone NOT feel the world around them change even a little...????

I don't know what's "normal" in a lot of cases. Plenty of ppl whom i thought were tooootally plugged in and very "normal" have turned out to be WAY more messed up than I ever realized. Some of the stuff they did sober made my drinking habits pale by comparison.

If it makes you feel any better, I hid bottles when I was married but only the new ones. I'd rotate them into the liquor cabinet when she wasn't around so she'd think it was the same half-bottle that was there yesterday. AFTER I got divorced and AFTER she moved out - when I was ALONE, I started hiding bottles around the house so no matter where I was I wouldn't have to go too far for another shot! When I'd polish one off, I'd stuff the empty half-gallon wayyyyy deep down into a trash bag, pile other stuff on top, then put it between two other trash bags in the same trash can...... hiding my empties from the trash collectors I guess. Normal.....abnormal......don't know and don't care - that's just how an alcoholic like me rolls! One thing's for sure..... it made a LOT of sense when I was doing it - LOL

Mark75

That's alcoholism... The beauty of the fellowship of AA (meetings) is that if someone shares something, exactly like that, one can look around the room and see many heads shaking, yes... they have had the same experience...

You are not alone IE

LovesToTravel

I am guessing but it sounds to me that you are young, married and have no children. I was there years ago. The husband and I were "just having fun". Since it is the two of you perhaps he hasn't come to the realization that it isn't fun anymore and you guys might have a problem. You should discuss it. My husband and I had fun for years but it wasn't a problem. It because a problem for me only a few years ago, he thinks that he is fine. I has been harder to go at it alone, but I had to do it for me. Discuss...

IrishEyes88

You're right, I know. It's time to put my money where my mouth is and take some serious steps toward sobriety.

I guess the 2 things keeping me from going to a meeting are 1) social anxiety and 2) having to lie to a babysitter about where I'm going.

GettingStronger2

I'm not sure what to say. You need to be done. Really, really be done. And then when the alcohol is cleared from you, you can start to figure out why it is you drink in the first place. I thought i knew the reasons and just quitting was enough. Just quitting isn't enough to not start again.

I have been doing AA. It may not be for everyone, but I believe 100% it can work for everyone. I felt great at first just that I stopped drinking. But I realize i need a lot more than that. I am finding it.

I am in a really bad place right now myself. But you know what? I don't want to drink about it. That would make me miserable (more than I am) and it would make everything worse.

Make your decision to stop, and then decide what you need to do to not start again.

IrishEyes88

We are young, married with a 2-yr old. Yeah, it started off as having fun. I'd have some wine, he'd have a little whisky, no big deal. Now we're obsessed with it. Drinking large amounts every night. We know it's a problem. However, I think my issues are a lot more serious. I think he could quit or cut down easily. I can't.

Are you and your husband still together? I fear that we'd have a hard time relating to eachother once we remove alcohol from our relationship. I've heard that can happen.

DayTrader

IE... take a look for some titles of threads that say something like "my first aa experience" and/or "I finally went to my first meeting." I think you'll be hard pressed to find anyone who went to their first meeting and found the people objectionable, threatening or mean. Not that that CAN'T happen but I'd bet it's quite rare.

I didn't feel comfortable telling anyone I was in AA when I first started but, in a really short time, I felt comfortable and I didn't feel any need to try to hide it anymore. Don't get caught up in looking too far down the road....just look at getting to your 1st meeting (if that's what you want to do) and go from there.

DayTrader

I know some couples in recovery who have marriages most ppl would kill for... again......that's stuff in the future and nobody knows how it'll turn out.

GettingStronger2

You sound very similar to me several years ago. I am married, we have 3 kids (7, 5 and 4). We drank together at night. He actually drank more than me in the beginning. I had my wine, he had his beer. My drinking became bigger and a problem.

I had to quit. It took me a couple of years to figure that out and do something about it. He still drinks. I have to live with that. If i can't, well, that is my issue, not his, and I will do something about it.

You may have to learn to relate to each other again without the alcohol. But if you cannot, you don't belong together. Alcohol cannot make you compatible and make you a good couple, or good parents. Not drinking will tell you if you are a good couple and good parents.

IrishEyes88

I think I feel shame right now because I'm still a mess. I'm out of control and even my appearance has suffered greatly because of the booze.

It would be a lot easier to tell people about AA when I've regained order in my life. Then I can feel proud.

I've been avoiding people so long because I'm so ashamed of myself. It would feel amazing to walk with my head held high again. I'd love to look people in the eye. I'd even love to get checked out by guys in public again!!!!