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I'm in a really bad place right now.

Old 09-20-2010, 11:54 AM
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boyt-o-boy.......are you gonna love recovery! It was a long time since I'd had any real dignity when I first walked into the doors of AA. Being honest, just walking in knocked me down another couple notches. I could look at myself in a mirror but I lothed what I saw. My physical appearance was suffering true enough but what was inside was truly grotesque to me. That stuff inside....there was no escaping that. I knew it was there whether there was a mirror or not.

All I can tell you is that everything in that post above is what the steps in AA are designed to begin repairing. You may not believe me but in VERY short order, ALL of that crap can be gone. All of it...... the fear, anxiety, depression, the compulsion to keep drinking when you know not to.....etc etc. It may seem too good to be true but that's what I'm telling you I personally found in AA. It's un-frigging-believable!!
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Old 09-20-2010, 11:58 AM
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You said you were sick and tired of the hundreds of day 1's well I know 100% just how you feel on that because i've had hundreds of them myself.
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Old 09-20-2010, 12:01 PM
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I'm out of control and even my appearance has suffered greatly because of the booze.
It is amazing how "bad" you can look! I have improved but not going to be turning heads anytime soon. Yes Mr LTT and I are still married 28 years (ouch..that sounds like forever...my kids are 23 and 24...ouch)
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Old 09-20-2010, 12:09 PM
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DayTrader that sounds like it would be a dream come true. If I could be pre-alcoholic me again, that would be wonderful. Maybe AA is a good idea. It sounds like it's a supportive, kind environment.

When I was 22 I got a DUI and had to attend some alcohol classes. Basically, the instructor was a real jerk who talked to us like we were the scum of the earth with IQ's of 70. I guess that tainted my image of asking for help.

How long have you been sober? what made you finally say enough is enough?
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Old 09-20-2010, 12:17 PM
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Originally Posted by LovesToTravel View Post
It is amazing how "bad" you can look! I have improved but not going to be turning heads anytime soon. Yes Mr LTT and I are still married 28 years (ouch..that sounds like forever...my kids are 23 and 24...ouch)
Glad you're improving! That's a big reason i never want to go out or see anybody. What if i run into an ex who, just a few years ago, knew me as slim and pretty? I don't even want to imagine what people say about me behind my back. "wow she gained weight." "She really let herself go." "What happened to her?"

I can't believe I let this happen to myself.
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Old 09-20-2010, 12:24 PM
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Originally Posted by IrishEyes88 View Post

How long have you been sober? what made you finally say enough is enough?
3 1/2 yrs.....

and truthfully, I had to LEARN enough was enough. I didn't want to quit when I did quit. I WANTED to learn how to drink without the consequences of drinking (I actually believed such a thing was possible and I was really convinced I'd be the one to find a way to do it). I was so delusional it's almost funny to me now. Anyway... I got my 3rd dui, a judge slapped an alcohol tether on me for 9 months and I was ordered to attend at least 2 aa meetings per week or I'd go to jail. I was also ordered to attend therapy and a full weekend "retreat" type thing run by a rehab facility but staffed with AA members. During my first month of so of being forced to stop drinking, I was given the gift of teach-ability. I learned just how screwed I was....and I was told what I needed to do if I didn't want to return to that life - so I did what those folks told me to do. I resented it at first...but when the payoffs started coming I literally RAN to AA, spiritual principles, the steps, and so forth. There was NO denying the results, that's for sure.

It's the results that keep me here. There's NO WAY I'd still be going to AA if it wasn't obvious to me that my life is better with it than without it. If sobriety and living as a recovered alcoholic wasn't more fun and more enjoyable than the possibility that just maaaaaaaaybe I could try to drink "successfully" again one more time.....I wouldn't stay.
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Old 09-20-2010, 01:04 PM
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Originally Posted by IrishEyes88 View Post
I think I feel shame right now because I'm still a mess. I'm out of control and even my appearance has suffered greatly because of the booze.

It would be a lot easier to tell people about AA when I've regained order in my life. Then I can feel proud.

I've been avoiding people so long because I'm so ashamed of myself. It would feel amazing to walk with my head held high again. I'd love to look people in the eye. I'd even love to get checked out by guys in public again!!!!
Oh, boy, Irish, do I know how you feel! Before I quit. . .well, my appearance took a dive. I guess to some people I still looked okay, but let me tell you. ..

I had gained back about 20 or 30 pounds of weight I never wanted to see again, my face looked old and tired with puffy eyes, my skin was feeling older (and lets not even talk about all those mysterious bruises), i definitely didn't shower everyday because quite frankly, I didn't care.

My appearance well, let's just say it wasn't the best.

Mentally -- well, no, I didn't like to look people in the eyes. Sure I could put a good front when I needed to, and get the people I needed to trust me to trust me (like the kids' teachers), but it was, or at least felt like, a big lie. I was walking around as a big, fat, ugly, dirty liar. Wow. What an image.

That is a hell to which I do not want to return. You don't have to be there.

You can make a decision right now. . .not to have another day 1, that ain't working for you. But to just stop. Just be done drinking. Its over. It is out of your life. No matter what comes your way (and trust, it is flying at me so fast right now I can't come up for air), alcohol is NOT the answer.

Once you get it cleared out of your system, and your life, you can pick yourself up again, start liking the way you look again, look people in the eye again and deal with whatever comes your way.

Thing is, I like myself again. It has been quite a while for that.
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Old 09-20-2010, 01:17 PM
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Aehmnm, that's very inspirational. "A big fat ugly dirty liar." I can relate to that. When I really look at myself in the mirror, and look at what I've become, inside and out, I'm just disgusted.

These are the things I need to really think about when I'm crawling out of my skin at night because I want a drink.
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Old 09-20-2010, 01:49 PM
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I hope you don't mind me asking this, but how can you and your husband be responsible parents for your two year old if you are both consuming massive amounts of alcohol every night?

if i remember correctly (it's been a while my daughter is 30 now)...2 year olds are very active and require LOTS of watching and attention, help with feeding, day and night...and tend to get ill in the middle of the night sometimes (mine was prone to high fevers and ear infections which would require an off hours trip to the pediatrician)....do you have someone to help take care of her/him?
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Old 09-20-2010, 02:22 PM
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It's sad to say, but our tollerances are pretty high by now. We remain fully functional until we go to bed at about 11. That doesn't mean the alcohol and calories aren't taking their toll. The night when we lost the whiskey, we had a sitter overnight.

Making sure my son has a warm, soft, safe and nurturing place to lay his head at night is my #1 priority. Quitting drinking will only add to that.
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Old 09-20-2010, 02:24 PM
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irish eyes, hugs and well wishes to you, me and my wife drunk every night,for yrs, we had a 2 yr old, 3 and a bit now, we managed still to love and care for our little one even when we drunk, not reccomended of course, Fandy it happens, you were a one time every night drinker yourself, do you think having a really young one would have stopped your selfish addiction? its difficult..but it happens.
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Old 09-20-2010, 02:49 PM
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Hey, Hugs to Irish and Aehmnm for being so honest, related to a lot of it girls.

Kerbcrawler, I don't think Fandy was being critical or holier than thou....just pointing out the facts. I know. I am the mother of a three year old (have an 18 year old too) and I have to think about him and what could happen if he needed me during the night. I drank when I had enablers around. I'm single-parenting now and I just can't let the little guy down. It's not easy and sometimes I still would love a drink but I have to think of the consequences and the what-ifs involved with me taking another drink.

Irish please go to AA. You will be amazed at what the program offers and delivers.

Annette
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Old 09-20-2010, 03:07 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by IrishEyes88 View Post
Maybe the positive attitude is the problem. I get this false sense that everything is ok and the future is bright and sunny. Next thing I know I'm just having a few shots just to relax. Everythings ok!

But it's not ok, and it's never "just a few."

Maybe i really have to look at the situation exactly for what it is. I know I should go to aa or something. I'm just scared.


I know what yer talking about. It's like a lose/lose situation sometimes. Your always telling yourself 'ah comon dont beat yourdelf up about this, gotta stay positive' Well what happens, you let your guard down, drink that beer, wake up a week later with no job and 10 empty bottles of vodka and a strong urge just to jump off the next bridge into the Hudson River. Well but fortunateley that's not how it works. Ugh,
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Old 09-20-2010, 03:28 PM
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IrishEyes, I have had a gazillion "Day Ones." No need to be embarrassed about that or about not remembering where the whiskey was hidden. People like us do some stuff while drinking that just doesn't make sense to the sober mind.
I relate to how you are feeling. I drank a lot (by myself) Saturday night and yesterday felt guilty, miserable and angry at myself. I also drank a lot on Thursday and went to work with a wicked hangover. And my work requires a lot of logic and public speaking. That scared me, because I just started this job (that I totally love) a little over a month ago.

So here I am on "Day Two." For the gazillionth time. You know, I feel pretty good today. But you know what else? The thought has crept into my head of drinking tonight after working out. That's how pernicious this darn alcoholism thing is. That's why we need other people!
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Old 09-20-2010, 04:33 PM
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IE,

I don't know if you found those posts about first AA meetings, but I'll give them to you. First, check out this page that tells you what to expect at your first AA meeting. Each meeting is a little bit different, has its own "flavor", but this will give you a pretty good idea.

We've had a couple of members who recently went to their first meeting, and are pretty well sold on AA. Here are their threads: mama36 and SweetCityWoman.

As far as "what to tell the babysitter," you could always tell her you're going to your "book club." (Lol, well, we DO have the Big Book, right?) I also suggest you buy a Big Book as soon as possible. Most meetings have them for sale--$7.25 for hardcover (I'm the literature rep for my home groups). Till then, here's a link for the Big Book online. The first 164 pages are the AA program, and the latter part are personal stories of sobriety.

I think this will be the best thing you could ever do for yourself.
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Old 09-20-2010, 04:48 PM
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Lots of great advice here - please take it IE

D
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Old 09-20-2010, 05:01 PM
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Doing the same thing expecting different results is insanity, so I was to find out. Look, IrishEyes, nobody wants to go to AA meetings--until they find out that the stuff they've been searching for all their lives is behind those doors. The non-judgmental help, the unconditional love, the understanding that only someone who's been there can provide, the simplicity of a proven method of getting and staying sober to live a happy and useful life, the finality of finding a solution? Nobody just happens along the street and says, "Hey, there's an AA meeting going on, I think I'll check it out." The people inside the rooms are regular people just like you and me who were getting their A$$es kicked by alcohol. And they're helping one another get and stay sober--it's the charter of ever AA meeting all over the world. "Our primary purpose is to stay sober, and to help other alcoholics achieve sobriety." If you want to drink, that's your business, but if you want to quit, AA can help.
Go to an AA meeting--get in the solution.
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Old 09-20-2010, 05:28 PM
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Awesome POST ^^^^^ Very well said...

"Hey, there's an AA meeting going on, I think I'll check it out."
It took me a LONG time IN AA to actually believe that..... lol. I think I just wanted to be different, special and unique sooooo badly I just couldn't come to grips that what happened to me had happened to soooooo many ppl before me.... heh.
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Old 09-20-2010, 05:37 PM
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Originally Posted by IrishEyes88 View Post
It's sad to say, but our tollerances are pretty high by now. We remain fully functional until we go to bed at about 11. That doesn't mean the alcohol and calories aren't taking their toll. The night when we lost the whiskey, we had a sitter overnight.

Making sure my son has a warm, soft, safe and nurturing place to lay his head at night is my #1 priority. Quitting drinking will only add to that.
Be careful. . .i always thought i was still being a good mom. And for the most part I was. But alcohol did affect my parenting as the kids got older. I am sober now, and doing better. But, without going into personal details, i am suffering for the time being as a result of something that happened more than four months ago.

Get sober. Your child needs you to be.
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Old 09-20-2010, 06:03 PM
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Originally Posted by IrishEyes88 View Post
Thanks for all the replies. Daytrader, I'm going to read that link. I need all the inspiration I can get.

Let me tell you how ridiculous the situation has gotten. Saturday night, after a drinking session with my husband, he hid half a bottle of whisky in the garage. The next day he couldn't find it anywhere! He asked me where it was but I was 97% sure I didn't move it. He also had no recollection if hiding it.

Later, he called me from work and we continued to discuss where it might be, and if I couldn't find it, make sure to get to the store before it closed at 5pm to get some more rum for the night. I eventually found it in the tool box. He still had no memory of putting it there.

But I thought to myself, what a ridiculous conversation to have. Normal people don't have that conversation. Discussing where the alcohol is cuz we were too drunk to remember, and instead of taking that as a sign to stop drinking, discuss getting more!!!!

It's total insanity. It was embarrassing to even write that.
Okay, so I have to own up here. I laughed when I read this hmmmmmm.

Normal alcoholics, including me and my wife, and others that I know, do have conversations like this. You and your husband are not soooooo unique.

"Discussing where the alcohol is cuz we were too drunk to remember, and instead of taking that as a sign to stop drinking, discuss getting more!!!!

Yup, that's what we here in AA call post signs. Why do we miss them? There out there, in blinking neon lights, 12 foot letters and all, and we miss them, why? My own opinion is, I'm an alcoholic, and at the time an active one at that. About the only signs I could see were "Alcohol served here.," "liquor store," "get beer here."

I remember the empty feeling I had in my gut one day at work when I dropped my pint of vodka on the floor and it broke. I didn't have any more money and still had six hours to go before I could get home to what I had there.

Eventually I found a way out and was told I never had to feel that way again. I found it in AA. And I found a new way to live life in the 12 Steps.

Keep coming Irish and keep posting.

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