DayWalker

Hey everyone, some of you maybe notice I haven't been posting much like I use to do lately. I've been in a "funk" as the best way to describe it I guess if that makes sence.

I'm not really to the point of drinking, I have had those passing thoughts I admit, but after 7 months I don't think I really am having "serious" thoughts. But here's where I'm at and I'm hoping some of you guys maybe can relate to the way I feel?

I'm around 7 months sober, still do meetings twice a week and have a sponsor. But the past month or more I just have been having thoughts of getting tired of doing all this. Now before anyone says "thats not good"...I KNOW thats not good, and I have spoke to my sponsor about it. And he's been very helpful about this but I still keep having these hidden feelings about just being tired of (and I hate to say this) ...but meetings, sponsors, reading BB, and even coming to this site (hence why I havent been around much lately).

I'm not stupid, I know what I just said is not a good way to think after 7 months...but I really am just tired of it all. So thats why I'm asking here...is this normal when your 6-12 months sober like I am? or what? Am i just in some sort of "phase" maybe that is normal for close to the time I have been sober?

Anyway sorry I haven't been around much the past month or two, no excuse for that. I'll tryin get more active here again.

Steve

TheEnd

It sounds like you're trying to do it on your own, and from what everyone keeps telling me, it cannot be done on your own.

Time to ask your higher power for the strength to keep on going.....

Dee74

Hey Steve

I'm gonna answer the same way I answered last time LOL

I still think you know, deep down, whether this 'getting tired' is based on genuine grievances or is simply an excuse to take one step closer back to the dark side....

Have I felt like that? Sure.
Sometimes recovery is just plain hard work, and sometimes the results aren't always apparent.

But with every month that passes I get a little better at calling myself out on what I really mean or want.

No matter what you decide with AA, I think, like it or not, unless I keep my engine well-maintained, it might just let me down one day, y'know?


D

DayWalker

And yet...I'm still at that same spot aren't I Dee?

I dunno man I just feel like I'm at a stand still and can't go further at all for some reason. I'm actually starting to think maybe deep down I feel comfortable feeling like this?? Just been in this weird funk the past month now for some reason, could be self induced I wouldn't deny that.

Dee74

I know I can have a tendency to feel pretty damn satisfied with a plateau...I lived that way for 20 years...

but I can't afford to live that way now....apathy is not complacency but I reckon they're on the same street lol

Maybe you need to define exactly what it is you're tired of Steve - so that you can fix it?

D

yeahgr8

I'll be honest Steve...without working all the steps and getting a spiritual awakening i would be drinking...no way i would have hung around meetings, talked to sponsor etc without that drastic personality change...

It's all about change and without the steps and resulting change i would fundamentally be the same person and that person would have got real bored of all the recovery stuff real quick...

Basically if i was still my own higher power it would be a disaster:-)

justjo

Thinking about ya Daywalker
JJ

Toronto68

Steve, what happened with that new guy who was just starting out and your sponsor said he would involve you in his program somehow? (Someone compared this to being an apprentice.) Has nothing come out of that yet? And then the heart to heart you had with your sponsor on the last couple of Steps, has that new look at them been headed anywhere? I am guessing if any of that did progress at all that you are just seeing it as lifeless for some reason. For some reason you're not "holding hands" with AA.

I don't know what the source would be of this funk and dissatisfaction with things, the program, etc. But I wonder if you would understand it better when you think about your vacation time in the last while. I'm guessing you were pretty gung ho around the time of the fishing trip with all those guys. How do you compare then and now; when you think about it, do you see the difference and can you figure out why it exists?

I have been in a more negative frame of mind lately because a couple of things have not been going how I would like. So I can relate to having a "test" of the good frame of mind. Maybe the summer winding down is having a toll on me too, and adding to it.

Do you have a "What's next, let's get on with it" or "Is that IT?" feeling? For some people there might be a risk there out of a sense of complacency, after they get in the groove of sobriety and the months roll by faster than the weeks used to do. As in, "I've got my life back now, and now I want it my way"; and other stuff begins to look like it's unwelcome or not fun. I don't know if that applies to you. I do know that a few months back, there were a couple of times when something good happened and then on the heels of that good feeling, my next thought was "What can I add to this good feeling?" That was my alcoholic conditioning in action; it was basically relapse potential, I guess. I recognized it, and it made sense to me why that thought would enter my mind. That's how I started becoming a chronic drinker (always add to a good feeling and then always create one and maintain it...alcoholic). So I am mindful of my thoughts and emotions.

I don't know if this response from me will make sense to you, but what I am suggesting is maybe you can look at the last few months and compare what mode you were in. And ask yourself why the program is feeling the way it is now, unlike how it was feeling when you realized how glad you were to be able to take a morning walk and take satisfaction in new rituals instead of drinking. If it was spiritual for you to enjoy your walks or to fix the bloody window blind (ha ha), well, what is not spiritual now? I know you are asking that question yourself, but maybe you will figure it out if you go over what you have experienced so far. In fact, have you clicked through your old posts recently? I wonder if you would come to an understanding of what is going wrong if you did.

DayWalker

Tronto Pm to ya bud

AlcoholicOrNot

Do you know why we're tired of it? Because it takes work.

I'm tired of getting up every day and working to support my family...food, clothing, emotional support. Come to think of it, I'm getting tired of raising my teenagers and keeping my marriage going...being a good listener, teaching right from wrong, admitting when I'm wrong.

BUT, why do we do it? Because the work provides value, a return on our investment. In short, $ to buy necessities, providing a safe, happy, growing environment where my family can flourish.

What you, me, and the rest of the gang here have in common is the value we place on our sobriety.

Remember this please: "Nothing in Life worth having is EASY." If "it" was easy, everyone would have one or be doing it and therefore, it would have no value.

Thanks for reading and keep up the good work!

SSIL75

Can you get excited about something not direction recovery-related? I picked up a new volunteer gig. 2 funny books. Booked a trainer at the gym. Bought a new recipe book.

Also, sometimes life is just ******. I think as alcoholics we have a low tolerance for humdrum (even though - what is more humdrum than getting drunk every day? But I'm sure you can relate). I don't know. I just feel like I'm giving this whole normal life thing a go and finding enjoyment in things I used to roll my eyes at.

Hang in there.

aasharon90

I would go into a meeting,
low, down on myself, discouraged,
feeling like a failure and so on.
Then sit for an hour listening
to the message hoping to take
at least one positive thing away
with me.

When the meeting was over i felt
rejuvinated. Like taking ur medicine
when ur sick then feeling better.

Id see smiling faces, hand shakes,
hellos, goodbyes......

Fellowship.

Each day I kept doing the next
best thing whatever the outcome
would be.

Life is life. Acceptance is the key.

I stayed in Houston 10 yrs. miserable
and missing my hometown of Baton
Rouge terribly. I missed my recovery
support....my comfort zone.

Familiarity.

I prayed. Wrote in a journal. Screamed.
Went to the park to walk and jog. Worked
a little job....did the mom thing. Wife
thing and was soooo miserable.

In time I was granted a gift. A ticket
back to BR with a job interview.

That was in 2006.

Because I never gave up hope
or Faith in my recovery program
so many wonderful exciting things
have happened in my life since
then.

My loneliness, sadness, wasnt
left unanswered.

So in so many words.....never
give up hope when life seems
dismal. As long as you continue
to do the next best thing, continue
to share ur ESH with the newcomer,
practice the principles and steps
in all ur affairs....meaning live
them.....

Then the promises will come
true......they maybe slow or
they maybe quick.....

Happy Joyous and a Freedom
like you've never known.

keithj

Steve,

In my experience, there is no such thing as normal in that first year of sobriety. And besides, it's very difficult to judge oneself, especially with a whole new lifestyle and emotional sensibility going on.

So, I trust the action. That has proven to be a far better indicator of my well-being than how I feel about it. If you find yourself getting bored, resentful, non-enthusiastic about the things you have been doing to stay sober, that would be a worry for me.

I'll drive myself nuts trying to figure out if I'm OK or not. The question that matters to me is, "What Step are you on?"

lildawg

Day Trader, I don't have much to add other than my encouragement.

Maybe this funk is the time of year? Where I live, the summer is guttering out. The days have this sort of dead, unrelenting heat to them. I'm tired of being hot. I'm tired of the ongoing stress in my life. I'm hoping a change of season will wash away the feelings of burnout and renew me a little bit.

I am sure your problem goes deeper than this, and I'm not trying make light of your feelings. I think we're feeling the same unease and restlessness. At least, I can extend a virtual hug of sympathy.

DayWalker

Just wanted to update you guys were I'm at, and I know this might not be something some of you agree with, but ...

I did pretty much stop AA... last week. Let me explain before anyone jumps on me. I do think AA is a great thing for us alcoholics, and AA has helped me to stop drinking and I appreciate that.

But why I have stopped going is this.After 7 months sober I was going to 2 meetings a week, and calling my sponsor at least 3-5 times a week. But...he flat out told me after a discussion last week...he wanted me to attend 5-7 meetings a week and call him every day, plus do some "work" for AA on top of that.

I just can not do that. I run my own business and that takes a huge amount of my time (which pays my bills) and I try to do as much AA as I can but I just can not do what he wants me to do. The past 3 months I have be doing as much as I can but honestly I feel almost like I did when I was drinking. Only wehen I was drinking Alcohol took all my life...and lately its like AA stuff took all my life, yet I feel like I'm not in control because of that.

This is NOT an anti AA rant...it has helped me immensely, but I just feel now it's not helping me.

So here I am....feeling alone again, but hanging on to SR for sure. And not totally alone because I still have all I learned over the past 7 months. So...lay it on me...did I do wrong? I have thick skin so give me your thoughts.

Steve

LexieCat

Sounds to me like he's trying to get you re-engaged in the program. Does what he wants you to do appreciably take more of your time than your drinking did?

You also said you're "not really" to the point of drinking, which doesn't sound like very secure footing.

This might be exactly the time you DO need to step up your commitment a bit. I went out to a meeting tonight with a newcomer, at my sponsor's suggestion. I don't know how much she got out of it, but it was good for me. I've been having a rough time lately, too.

yeahgr8

Hi Steve

If you had finished the steps i wouldn't be worried for you at all...it would be a few weeks,you would maybe get a bit restless in your own skin, post, probably head back to a different meeting and enjoy it...realise that you like being with people like you at least once a week...

I wasn't told to go to 5-7 meetings a week nor to ring my sponsor everyday (what would we have talked about everyday?!) but i dont know what this guy can see in you or what his experience is? For all i know he might have a legitimate reason for concern in you and be the best sponsor for you...odds are hes still nuts, but i dunno him?!

Anyways new sponsor, a couple of meetings a week and carry on your step work or you might find next time round you will have less distractions and more time to spend at meetings...i.e. no business to worry about!

What do you think is going on in your head...how do you really feel? Whats that sneaky "chicken oriental" (mental) alchie brain of yours up to really, thats what i would be wondering if i were you?

Dee74

I dunno Steve - it was not the way I hoped you'd go but you've obviously thought about it.

I figure as long as you're honest with yourself, and you don't let the work slide, you pretty much have all the bases any of us can cover.

You know where help is anyway - don;t be too proud to ask.

D

Nevertheless

Hello Steve
I ,like you have been drifting away from posting on this sight.
I owe my sobriety to AA,and this websight. Those first few months were hell to say the least. AA kept me from crossing that fine line between taking the first drink or not. And this sight helped me stay focused.
But once I got to the 9 month mark I quit going for the most part. But I was confident I had the monkey off my back,and I was done drinking. I wen't back at the one year mark and got my coin (I'm glad I did), but I also pretty much said goodbye. I had wanted to quit drinking for a long long time. You know what they say about you have to be done. Well I was done. I felt, and still do feel like I just got out of prison. I stay very busy, but I also stay away from booze or anything to do with it. Simply because I just don't want anything to do with it anymore. I guess it's like a bitter divorce.
I'm really thinking I shouldn't hit the send button here. But they say you stop drinking to enjoy life and thats what I did. I really wasn't having any fun at meetings,and I was having a hard time making time to go.

Only you know how solid your sobriety is. I feel mine is as solid as ever. I am around the year and a half mark. Who knows, I might go back to AA once the newness of sobriety wears off. I do feel I owe "the club" because I took what I needed and left the rest. I actually feel guilty,although I have done nothing wrong. Iduno. I hope this doesn't make you or anyone else stop going too soon. Like I say,there is a very fine line between the first drink,and AA helps define that line. But that is where my program is at.
I wish you the best whatever you decide.
Fred

DayTrader

Day, I skipped most everyone's response because sometimes when I read them, I don't say what I was thinking - I say something similar to what I just read. I did read your posts though, so I'll respond to those.

I don't think it's good OR bad that you're feeling what you're feeling. I tend to try to label everything as "good or bad" a lot myself and I've found a lot of trouble as a result. Just call it what it is - a feeling - it's neither good nor bad. I got kinda sick of AA in my first year or two. Sometimes I'd be all in.....other times not so much. I did the same thing you're doing.... cut back a bit, focused on work because I needed to get my act together there and make amends to my clients, and did a lot of journaling and reading the BB, 12x12, Little Red Book, Sermon on the Mount, and a couple other recovery books. I was doing a lot of AA work.....just different.....different for me cuz I needed different stuff than all those folks who felt good "just not drinking and going to meetings."

Maybe it was a coincidence..maybe it wasn't, I don't know for sure even now..even looking back at it........but the result was it was THE darkest most bleak time of my life. Maybe it was growing pains....maybe it was me hitting some emotional bottoms that I couldn't hit UNLESS I did my own thing for a while......maybe they were bottoms I didn't need to hit had I listened to my sponsor. I really dont know....really. A lot of good came from that time but I can tell you....it was particularly nasty and it lasted for a LONG time - many many months.

I don't do 5-7 meetings......always 2......sometimes 3. I'd probably go to more if I had a license and could drive but that's just me. I don't go to meetings anymore because I need to hear a message - I go to try to maybe carry one and to lead by example and to try to help someone else out. One thing I learned in that funk I wrote about was I was all about ME (I know, imagine that.... a sober drunk acting selfishly). I wasn't doing any "work" that didn't directly benefit me. There was no "service to others" in the Mike version of AA. Maybe that's why I bottomed so hard....maybe it was inevitable.

It took me a while to try to rearrange my priorities to what I thought a sober Mike's priorities should be. Guess what.....my new priorities blew. It was just me, managing my own life again......only this time I was doing it in a more socially acceptable fashion.

Do what you're doing......or don't. It's entirely up to you. I can't tell you if it's good or bad, right or wrong, if it'll work or not, or if you should or shouldn't do it. I would urge you though to keep your 1st step at the forefront of your mind - are you now still powerless over alcohol and is your life now manageable. So keep that in mind as you go forward (or sideways, or backwards....) and make SURE you're keeping an eye on the results you're going to experience. --and don't sugar coat them either. If you catch yourself saying "that would-a worked but X happened.....and x won't happen again" you're fooling yourself. I'd encourage you to maybe even try to do some short journaling. Write down what's happening.....what you're thinking....what results you're seeing. It'll give you a frame of reference to look back on.

Maybe it'd also be an interesting challenge to consider why it is your sponsor is kicking up his game a little? I wonder if it's a coincidence given the way you're feeling right now? Maybe that would be a good thing to ask him?

all my best to you in your search my friend... Mike