How I spent my Birthday
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 782
How I spent my Birthday
Please excuse the ramble but I have to express this somehow. It is slightly graphic in nature – if this offends please avoid.
I woke at 4 am and had to run for a bucket. I had been drinking heavily for the last three days, not bothering with work or food. The original trigger had been loneliness causing an almost casual slip with a few beers (old unguarded habitual behaviour). I spend the majority of my day alone these days. Over the last couple of years I have not really been a social drinker – I used alcohol to blunt my negative emotions.
My mum called in the early afternoon wished me a happy birthday. She asked how I was (she knows I am an alcoholic and worries). I lied and said I fine. I’m sure she could tell. She must be so concerned.
I had invited my brother and sister to cook for them in the evening (a plan hatched last week when I was less drunk). I had a little vodka left so drank it slowly and heavily diluted to stave off the worst of the shakes. I realised in the afternoon just how terrified I am of alcohol these days and where it could take my future. This just hit me suddenly as a wave of pure fear. I am constantly anxious about my drinking and the many problems it has caused, unless I am actually drinking at the time. This fear itself is a strong trigger. I was determined however not be drunk for my birthday.
I cooked a decent meal and in return received lovely presents and a cake, though visibly shook opening the cards. Then came the real problem – I could barely eat it. I served myself tiny portions and ate them slowly hoping not to have to rush from the room (as happened at the last meal I cooked).
They complimented me on my meal and had to leave fairly early. By now feeling terrible I retired to bed. An hour later I rushed to the lavatory and the day ended just as it had begun with searing stomach pains and a torrent of violent vomiting.
This is was actually better than how I spent my Christmas day but that’s another story.
So I now have to take responsibility and somehow quit (again) but the experience of the sheer power of these distressing lapses has really dented my confidence. Why do I do this to myself despite everything I have learnt here and elsewhere? Why have my repeated attempts at self analysis to find the real root causes failed? Am I finally done with this for good?
Gosh I hate alcohol.
I woke at 4 am and had to run for a bucket. I had been drinking heavily for the last three days, not bothering with work or food. The original trigger had been loneliness causing an almost casual slip with a few beers (old unguarded habitual behaviour). I spend the majority of my day alone these days. Over the last couple of years I have not really been a social drinker – I used alcohol to blunt my negative emotions.
My mum called in the early afternoon wished me a happy birthday. She asked how I was (she knows I am an alcoholic and worries). I lied and said I fine. I’m sure she could tell. She must be so concerned.
I had invited my brother and sister to cook for them in the evening (a plan hatched last week when I was less drunk). I had a little vodka left so drank it slowly and heavily diluted to stave off the worst of the shakes. I realised in the afternoon just how terrified I am of alcohol these days and where it could take my future. This just hit me suddenly as a wave of pure fear. I am constantly anxious about my drinking and the many problems it has caused, unless I am actually drinking at the time. This fear itself is a strong trigger. I was determined however not be drunk for my birthday.
I cooked a decent meal and in return received lovely presents and a cake, though visibly shook opening the cards. Then came the real problem – I could barely eat it. I served myself tiny portions and ate them slowly hoping not to have to rush from the room (as happened at the last meal I cooked).
They complimented me on my meal and had to leave fairly early. By now feeling terrible I retired to bed. An hour later I rushed to the lavatory and the day ended just as it had begun with searing stomach pains and a torrent of violent vomiting.
This is was actually better than how I spent my Christmas day but that’s another story.
So I now have to take responsibility and somehow quit (again) but the experience of the sheer power of these distressing lapses has really dented my confidence. Why do I do this to myself despite everything I have learnt here and elsewhere? Why have my repeated attempts at self analysis to find the real root causes failed? Am I finally done with this for good?
Gosh I hate alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 273
I think you should see a doctor to help you detox properly if you're having to ween yourself off.
Why do we do it? I think it's habitual. We started solving our problems early with alcohol, so we didn't bother to learn another way. Still, it's never too late to learn a better way. Hang in there, and take a hint from this in the future: No alcohol at all. Even a little will now trigger physical dependence, so just step away from it and never look back.
I hope you feel better soon.
Why do we do it? I think it's habitual. We started solving our problems early with alcohol, so we didn't bother to learn another way. Still, it's never too late to learn a better way. Hang in there, and take a hint from this in the future: No alcohol at all. Even a little will now trigger physical dependence, so just step away from it and never look back.
I hope you feel better soon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 782
Thank you for your reply to my rather self-absorbed post. As mentioned I just needed to share it. I know deep down I must quit drinking completely to break the cycle.
Thankfully I'm probably not physically dependent at the moment (I was sober only a week or so ago). I went cold turkey on my own for four months last year after 14 years of heavy drinking. The withdrawawls were hell. It is perhaps the memory of this that makes me so anxious about drinking (or at least stopping when I slip).
The habitual aspect of my relapses is something I'll try to examine more closely, but alcohol was such a major part of my life for so long, the triggers are hidden everywere. I just wish I could be confident that 'I'm done' for the sake of those around me.
Thankfully I'm probably not physically dependent at the moment (I was sober only a week or so ago). I went cold turkey on my own for four months last year after 14 years of heavy drinking. The withdrawawls were hell. It is perhaps the memory of this that makes me so anxious about drinking (or at least stopping when I slip).
The habitual aspect of my relapses is something I'll try to examine more closely, but alcohol was such a major part of my life for so long, the triggers are hidden everywere. I just wish I could be confident that 'I'm done' for the sake of those around me.
Groovy Dancer
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: The States
Posts: 4,751
You drink to blunt your negative emotions, like you wrote. No need to be so ashamed of your problem. Now you really need to do something about it. You know it's bad. It's killing you. It's hurting your family. What will you do different this time? What you did before didn't work. Can you try face to face support like AA? Something else?
You can quit. SR alone is full of people that have. It is not easy. It is up to you. Good luck Forwards. IMHO your post was fine and really not too graphic at all...no need to apologize.
You can quit. SR alone is full of people that have. It is not easy. It is up to you. Good luck Forwards. IMHO your post was fine and really not too graphic at all...no need to apologize.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Your post brings back memories - another good reason for me to stay sober today (so thank you for posting).
I was never really able to figure out why I drank over and over again except for the fact that I'm an alcoholic. I think there are things about me that predisposed me to be this way, but in the end it didn't really matter why as much as it mattered what I needed to do to stop.
Maybe you still think you can handle it if you try a little harder, I don't know. But even after 4+ months of sobriety, I have to come here every day to remind myself of where I was and why I need to stay sober.
You know what will happen if you don't stop, so quit listening to that alcoholic voice in your brain that makes a drink sound so good. Look at your life honestly and (as the commercial says) "just do it." You don't have to even like it at first, but give it time and sobriety will become the norm again.
All the best, prayers, and hugs.
I was never really able to figure out why I drank over and over again except for the fact that I'm an alcoholic. I think there are things about me that predisposed me to be this way, but in the end it didn't really matter why as much as it mattered what I needed to do to stop.
Maybe you still think you can handle it if you try a little harder, I don't know. But even after 4+ months of sobriety, I have to come here every day to remind myself of where I was and why I need to stay sober.
You know what will happen if you don't stop, so quit listening to that alcoholic voice in your brain that makes a drink sound so good. Look at your life honestly and (as the commercial says) "just do it." You don't have to even like it at first, but give it time and sobriety will become the norm again.
All the best, prayers, and hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 782
Thank you both for your kind words. I have come to understand that I cannot explain my alcoholism rationally. It really doesn't make any sense.
I have though written a detailed plan of my day today to follow. I will be communicative and contactable, apologise to friends and employers for my absense, catch up with missed work (if I still have a job) and prioritise my activities. Above all else I will not drink. Let's see what happens.
I have though written a detailed plan of my day today to follow. I will be communicative and contactable, apologise to friends and employers for my absense, catch up with missed work (if I still have a job) and prioritise my activities. Above all else I will not drink. Let's see what happens.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by Forwards 
Why do I do this to myself despite everything I have learnt here and elsewhere? Why have my repeated attempts at self analysis to find the real root causes failed?
I started reading the Big Book online:
Big Book On Line
It describes your / our alcoholic behavior accurately. Despite our knowledge and the support we receive, we have absolutely no defense against taking the first drink. The book describes it more or less as insanity. We'll come up with any excuse to have just that one drink to start. Well, we know where one takes us....2, 3, 4, 5 and more.
I've only read the first 3 chapters, each is only 14 pages long and it's very difficult to put down.
As someone else posted above, please see a doctor to determine if there's any medical issues to start.
We're all in this together. Good luck and keep us posted.
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
First of all, Happy Birthday. 
I'm glad you're here.
Alcohol really stunts your growth emotionally so to be it's like being controlled by an inner 2 year old. "But I want it!!" (tantrum). As you put some distance and time between yourself and alcohol you'll have the ability to develop and strengthen yourself. You'll learn new ways to relate to the world and your problems. You'll grow up.
It's poetic that you're writing about your birthday. It can be your re-birthday. The chance at a new life. Grab it with both hands and feet. You can do it!
I'm glad you're here.Alcohol really stunts your growth emotionally so to be it's like being controlled by an inner 2 year old. "But I want it!!" (tantrum). As you put some distance and time between yourself and alcohol you'll have the ability to develop and strengthen yourself. You'll learn new ways to relate to the world and your problems. You'll grow up.
It's poetic that you're writing about your birthday. It can be your re-birthday. The chance at a new life. Grab it with both hands and feet. You can do it!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Between Serenity and Despair
Posts: 522
Your post brought back memories for me, too. Man, I remember getting to that point where I was so sick, I couldn't eat. Miserable.
You said you drank hard for 14 years and, then, quit for 4 months. I did something similar. I drank hard for most of my adult life, and, then, quit for about a month. This was during the two months leading up to Christmas, which were always heavy drinking months for me.
When I restarted my drink after my month's sobriety, I knew after only a couple of days that it wouldn't work. My time off hadn't made a difference in my being able to control my drinking. I know now that it doesn't for most alcoholics. The only thing I have any control over is not picking up the first drink. Once I've picked up that first drink, all decisions are made.
I think, for most of us, there comes a point that we're just sick of it. It = sick of being physically sick, sick of the shame, sick of the dependence on the drink. You sound like you're at that point. You even sound like you have a plan. I really hope it works for you.
I quit drinking without medical help -- even though I probably could have used it. I quit without AA (or other recovery support) -- even though I now think it would have helped. So it can be done. Do I recommend it? Not really.
If you've never read it, I recommend reading the AA Big Book. For me, the first 164 pages were a tough read. They were written a long time ago, and the writing style threw me off. I'm glad I pushed though, though. I got some perspective on my alcoholism and on myself.
The thing is, though, you have to find your own way. You have to find the terms on which you're willing to quit. We alcoholics are a stubborn lot, and having someone tell us how usually goes over like a turd in a punchbowl. My life as a drunk (and a recovering drunk) has been a lot like that song "The Hard Way" by the Kinks.
And, hey, it's okay to be self-absorbed. Quitting alcohol is one of the more difficult things I've done. You have to take care of yourself and get yourself straight before you can reach out to others and set straight the messes you've made with them.
Happy birthday.
You said you drank hard for 14 years and, then, quit for 4 months. I did something similar. I drank hard for most of my adult life, and, then, quit for about a month. This was during the two months leading up to Christmas, which were always heavy drinking months for me.
When I restarted my drink after my month's sobriety, I knew after only a couple of days that it wouldn't work. My time off hadn't made a difference in my being able to control my drinking. I know now that it doesn't for most alcoholics. The only thing I have any control over is not picking up the first drink. Once I've picked up that first drink, all decisions are made.
I think, for most of us, there comes a point that we're just sick of it. It = sick of being physically sick, sick of the shame, sick of the dependence on the drink. You sound like you're at that point. You even sound like you have a plan. I really hope it works for you.
I quit drinking without medical help -- even though I probably could have used it. I quit without AA (or other recovery support) -- even though I now think it would have helped. So it can be done. Do I recommend it? Not really.
If you've never read it, I recommend reading the AA Big Book. For me, the first 164 pages were a tough read. They were written a long time ago, and the writing style threw me off. I'm glad I pushed though, though. I got some perspective on my alcoholism and on myself.
The thing is, though, you have to find your own way. You have to find the terms on which you're willing to quit. We alcoholics are a stubborn lot, and having someone tell us how usually goes over like a turd in a punchbowl. My life as a drunk (and a recovering drunk) has been a lot like that song "The Hard Way" by the Kinks.
And, hey, it's okay to be self-absorbed. Quitting alcohol is one of the more difficult things I've done. You have to take care of yourself and get yourself straight before you can reach out to others and set straight the messes you've made with them.
Happy birthday.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 782
Well today has been so much more positive - thank you all for your support. Not a drop of alcohol today :-)
A completely sleepless night (mostly here on SR) was followed by some weird anxiety first thing in the morning but no cravings during the day. So glad I poured away my stash first thing. Instead vitamins, luke warm tea, half a banana and regular boiled sweets for blood sugar. I was able to have a solid meal by this evening though my face seems to have temporarily turned bright red.
I followed my detailed day plan and addressed all of my (justified) worries one by one, though some took more courage than others. I'm back in contact with the world, still have a job, have reassured my parents and caught up with friends and commitments.
My fear was that this latest week long lapse would be comparable to the 14-year detox. So far it's been nowhere near as bad.
In addition I've felt a new calm and acceptance that this time around I will take life on its own terms, not try to wrestle with it so much and see what comes along. Just imagine if I could say that I gave up alcohol on my birthday in 2010 and never again touched a drop...
Re the Big Book I have found it a great source of comfort when at some of my lowest ebbs in how it proves that even formerly helpless people can and do recover. I have it on my laptop a single click away for those late night panics.
Now to write my action plan for tomorrow...
A completely sleepless night (mostly here on SR) was followed by some weird anxiety first thing in the morning but no cravings during the day. So glad I poured away my stash first thing. Instead vitamins, luke warm tea, half a banana and regular boiled sweets for blood sugar. I was able to have a solid meal by this evening though my face seems to have temporarily turned bright red.
I followed my detailed day plan and addressed all of my (justified) worries one by one, though some took more courage than others. I'm back in contact with the world, still have a job, have reassured my parents and caught up with friends and commitments.
My fear was that this latest week long lapse would be comparable to the 14-year detox. So far it's been nowhere near as bad.
In addition I've felt a new calm and acceptance that this time around I will take life on its own terms, not try to wrestle with it so much and see what comes along. Just imagine if I could say that I gave up alcohol on my birthday in 2010 and never again touched a drop...
Re the Big Book I have found it a great source of comfort when at some of my lowest ebbs in how it proves that even formerly helpless people can and do recover. I have it on my laptop a single click away for those late night panics.
Now to write my action plan for tomorrow...
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