Supercrew

I have now been sober for 76 days, and things are going quite smoothly. I have no urge to drink, and I have been attending alot of social functions where I spend time with alot of other couples who are drinkers. It has been brought to the attention of many of these people that I no longer drink.

I look 100 times better than I did 70 days ago, I have lost weight, I look healthy, I have been working out regularly, and I feel damn good and it shows. In the last month I have had 4 separate people approach me and say they have heard that I don't drink anymore, and the first question is always why, which I answer that the Dr. told me I have an issue and alcohol is no good for me, then normally from the same inibriated person they ask," how'd you do it? I wish I could". This is where I am left blank.

I don't want or need to divulge my issues and why I really quit, and I don't feel it is my place to act as a mentor in my short time of sobriety or maybe they are just trying to make small talk.

I normally just say that it has been working out well for me, and let them know that I am working out, and I basically change the subject. (Pretty easy when the other person is loaded).

Should I be looking to help these people? They would never come to me sober and let me know that they think they have a problem with alcohol, but with their guard down when they are drunk they want to tell me what I can already see.

Anybody have a similar experience or any advice to give?

CarolD

What I did......told everyone whoo would stand still....
"I quit drinking with God and AA"

Obviously ...this would not work in your life SC
Glad you are doing well....enjoy your sober future

Dee74

Hi SC

I moved away from my drinking circle so I've only had two people ask me 'how'...I shared my experience as honestly as I could...by the end my issues were not secret

I advised them that a recovery group was probably an easier way for most to approach things tho.

Neither of them followed up with me when they were sober. Both guys are still drinking as far as I know....

D

artsoul

I would probably say just to follow your gut.

I think if someone asked me that today, I'd tell them I got some good support through an online forum, but that a lot of people get help going to AA or treatment.

My response would depend on who's asking. If it were someone I knew and they seemed like they were really concerned with their drinking, I might be a little more upfront. But I think you're right about not getting too involved with it while they're drunk.

stugotz

Actually now is the time that your message is the most powerful. Early in my sobriety I was more impressed by the "short timers" than those with many decades sober. It was too hard for me to fathom all that time sober so it was easier to relate to.

murrill

I just said that I had grown sick & tired of being sick & tired. All I knew was what had happened to me, and I couldn't go wrong sharing that.

lildawg

I've only had one person ask me this -- my alcoholic brother-in-law (husband's brother). And he was drunk. I told him it wasn't easy or pleasant, and that it was just a commitment I had to make. I left it there, and the topic changed. Like you said, when they're drunk, it's pretty easy.

I got the feeling, when he asked, that he wasn't truly interested in quitting. I think he just wanted to give lip service to the idea because, deep down, he knows he's too drunk too often. (And, boy, is he mean and obnoxious when he's drunk.)

Since then, he's gone on a tour of duty to Iraq and returned home. While he was gone, he sent my husband some hateful emails which indirectly attacked me. I haven't spoken to him since he's been home. I hear from my husband, however, that he's right back on track with his excessive drinking. I believe he won't quit until he's hit some kind of bottom. Right now, there's no consequences for his drinking. He enjoys it. So why quit?

I compare the hows and whys to questions I used to get when I used to run for fitness. Every time someone found out, they'd get very curious. The whole conversation boiled down to, "How did you do that? I need to do that." After several of these Q & A sessions, I learned these folks were just talking to hear themselves talk. Perhaps, they were just saying the things they thought they ought to say, since they knew they were out of shape. Or perhaps they were just making banal conversation. Anyway, the conversations never led to them getting fit or taking an interest in running.

In light of those experiences (and the more recent one with my drunk brother-in-law), I feel reasonably comfortable concluding folks like your inebriated fans are just talking. Some of them might really have a drinking problem and might need help; however, I don't believe they're serious about quitting while they're inebriated. You don't owe these people the story of your life. Nor do you owe it to them to tell them things about yourself you don't want them knowing.

In short, I think you're handling it fine. Whatever your reasons for getting sober, you did it. You're presenting a positive image of sobriety to the world. You're showing people what they could do, and, believe me, it's a message. If any of your drunk fans approach you sober and admit they have a drinking problem, you're in new territory. You'll have to decide then and there if you want to let that person in or not. Until then, keep doing what you're doing (unless you're not happy with it).

Ainslie

In my earlier days of sobriety I didnt feel comfortable admitting I was an alcoholic - I just told people I gave up for health reasons, aside from close family and friends who obviously knew. As time went on I was more comfortable admitting to myself and others that I was in fact utterly alcohol dependant, and that to minimise harm in my life it is best to abstain from alcohol altogether.

I wouldnt bother explaining too much to someone under the influence that may be contemplating sobriety. But by all means, if youre comfortable talking about it with them, let them know to call you when theyre sober, or point them toward SR at least. Mention a few books, anything they may remember in the morning that may start them on their path - as talking to a friend sober may not be something theyre comfortable with yet. Depends on how much you care for the person I guess.

LaFemme

I haven't had direct experience with this but I remember reading a book about getting sober, where the person mentions how people frequently would ask them "How they did it" so I don't think it is a unique experience.

I think you should play it by ear, regarding who is asking you and how drunk they are. Listen to your gut. I don't think the fact that you don't have decades sober is a detriment, rather the opposite...you can still remember how hard it was to quit...time will eventually fade that.

sunrise1

I tell people that I had a fight with Captain Morgan and he won...

People tend to laugh at the joke and then leave it alone.

Supercrew

Thank you everyone for the input. Being that I am around these people often when they are sober and drinking I think I will find if anyone seriously would like more help within the next few months. Just the dynamic of having people come to me and recognize that I have quit and that they approve has been a huge help to me at these social gatherings. Two of the people who have made mention do probably need help, but they are also the same people who I have pegged to be most like me when they drink, and I would have never asked anyone for help ever, let alone when I was drunk. I think I will continue to play it close to the vest, and seriously being that I have had such an easy time of it I am still wondering whether I should be commenting at all, even here, on who and what defines an alcoholic. I still know that I had a major problem with alcohol, but once I made the the decision inside myself that I would no longer imbibe the choice as whether to pick up the first drink has been relatively easy, whereas for most on this forum, that doesn't always seem to be the case, so maybe I'm not the alcoholic the Big Book describes.

HidLid

I think I've come to the conclusion it really doesn't matter if someone is judged (by others or by themselves) alcoholic or not. The only thing that matters is if someone wants to change or not. If they don't want to change, it doesn't matter what title they have; if they do want to change they probably don't want to keep whatever title they may have.

If someone honestly asked for advice when sober and not just drunken rambling then I'd say lend a few minutes. If it's a drunken ramble I say change the subject.

LaFemme

I feel this way to in many regards,,,,it has been very easy for me to give up alcohol and to embrace a happier life (geee....if it was so easy...how come I didn't do it 5 years ago when I first realized I had the problem?).

Someone once posted an idea that drinkers are rated on a scale of 1 to 100, with maybe the top 90% being "true" alcoholics. I agree with this concept but would add that anyone in the top 65% is on the path to getting to that top 10%...the closer you are the more danger you are in...so maybe I was an 80-85%...close enough to be scary, but not yet at the "Rain in my Heart" stage.

It does not mean you don't have anything of value to contribute, you certainly know more about the disease than the average Joe, just by being here and dealing with your own experiences!

AlcoholicOrNot

SuperCrew,

Big Congrats on 65 days! At these social gatherings, my guess is it's mostly small talk. Although, when I was still drinking alcohol (a mere 57 days ago) at these social gatherings and I met someone who didn't drink, my response was always, "I've got to respect that".

I respected their decision because deep down inside, I knew I had to do the same - quit drinking. This is key...people need to make the decision on their own since it's truly a life-changing event.

Once I believe they've honestly made the decision, I would assist them any way I could.

Supercrew

I think the key is embracing the decision, and I will continue to post, and stay sober. I guess maybe it is because I am finding it harder to relate to the problem drinker that seems to be doing the work and the research about the ailment and finds this place to post yet still will grab the drink for whatever excuse.

I will never fool myself again into thinking I can moderate, but I am at the point that I really don't know why I would want to have a drink to begin with.....ever. It barely makes sense to me that I have wasted so much time and money drinking the last 27 years, and I fully concede it was a maturity issue of not wanting to grow up and move on, coupled with the craving and the need to drink more after I had the first couple of drinks. I wish I would have discovered my issues much earlier in life, because it would have made a huge difference on where I am now....even though where I am now is pretty damn good.

Thank you again for all of the input, I am learning and appreciating more everyday!

Supercrew

Thanks for this Stu, because truthfully the level of my enthusiasm is still really high, because sobriety is still new and seems like almost a rebirth to me in some regards. I understand how that enthusiastic message would get others excited. So I might be a little more willing to elaborate in future conversations. The nice thing is I am sober in all of these conversations so I will not accidently let a cat out of a bag so to speak like I would do regularly when I was drinking.

Jfanagle

Over the years when I have been asked, "what did you do, or how did you do it?" I have stolen a line from the comedian Craig Ferguson’s Utube and actual monologue that he did one night on his show. YouTube - Ferguson Speaks From The Heart

"I found people who had similar experiences and talked with them, they are very easy to find, they are VERY NEAR THE FRONT OF THE TELEPHONE BOOK!"

soberbythesea

52 days for me and I still haven't had this conversation with anyone, because I still haven't admitted to anyone other than my husband that I've quit. I've just been quietly not drinking. I plan to go on like that as long as possible. I'm just not ready to talk to people about it.

Anyway, your post presents an interesting question. I agree with the others; if someone came to me when not drunk and asked me for help in a serious way, I would do whatever I could to help them (Although i'm not sure that would be much -- the success of my recovery so far has been because I deeply wanted to stop and was ready to do so, not because I knew some big secret formula or something.) If they're just drunk and rambling, I say change the subject.

AlcoholicOrNot

The why question always gets me. Isn't "Why did you stop drinking?" the perfect example of a rhetorical question?

It's like, "Hey, why did you stop smoking crack?".

Supercrew

Yes, I think the appropriate question someone should ask me would be, "Boy you sure were a drunken a-hole for such a long time and you screwed up alot of stuff in your life, and you wasted thousands upon thousands of dollars, in fact last time I saw you you were peeing in my front yard and you drove away with your lights off to pick up another case of beer, why didn't you quit earlier?"