NewChapter

Members of this forum have been so helpful to me--educating and supporting me and helping me see through the crazy-making behavior. I have a couple more questions.
My XAH denies a problem with alcohol, and it was one of the main reasons for our split. I am still healing, and, of course, his list of all that's wrong with me is long. Here are a couple of his statements--can you tell me what they say to you, please?
"She sees me as a different person when I drink and she doesn't like that person. Everyone else seems to be more than fine with that person, including me" (lost his job, his country club membership, his friends of character, his kids due to his affair with bimbo at work, hangs out in bars).
"I don't want her with me when I am going to be with people drinking and having fun. That isolates us as a couple and I won't live that way. That is not the type of companion I want or need."
"She sees me going out and doing more drinking, more often. That is true but it is because there is nothing for me at home."
We are divorced (thank God) for one month. And I had hoped he had found his low point, but not yet. Do the above comments indicate a problem to any of you? He has also said he is very careful about his drinking because of his father's alcoholism and because he "never wants to have to quit drinking".
Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks again for your willingness to help friends and family on this forum. You have contributed to my healing.

Freedom1990

I try to stay out of other people's heads, to be honest.

He may never hit a bottom. Many don't until the graveside service is held.

What are some of the things you are doing to help yourself heal?

CarolD

I sure don't know why he thinks this way about
you or his drinking.
As you are aware....ddrinkers often live in a fantasy world.

However......
I'd sure be pleased if he were an ex husband
rather than a daily mess in my life....

I'd also make sure I never got involved again with
anyone who drinks ... anything ..... at any time.
Millions of men are non drinkers....
None of the men in my family drink....and
they are married to non drinkkers.

LexieCat

I'd say it's typical alcoholic rationalizing and blaming others for his own issues.

It's far too painful to admit the truth about his drinking.

That's not to say he won't get there someday, it just means he isn't there yet. Some people never get there.

My first husband got sober 30 years ago at age 21 and never picked up another drink. My second husband almost died of alcoholism at age 49, and as far as I know, 11 years later, he's still drinking himself to death.

I hope my second husband (we were only married briefly before he returned to drinking and I left) finds sobriety some day, but that may never happen. I don't communicate with him because it would help neither one of us. He knows about AA, but somehow he has never been able to get well.

All you can do is to work on your own healing. Remember, your ex has his own Higher Power, and when and if he decides to choose recovery, he can do it without your help.

AlcoholicOrNot

NewChapter,

You're going through difficult times and you'll make it through. But please tell me what your motivations are for asking these questions? You're divorced from an individual who loves drinking so much that it takes precedence over many other aspects of their life.

Chops

At the end of my drinking I was basically delusional. I got canned from a job once due to alcohol and my behavior. After getting my walking papers, well being thrown out in the middle of the day actually, I got a call from them the following day. When I saw the number on caller ID I honestly thought they were calling to say they had made a mistake and wanted to offer me my job back.

They were only calling to ask if it is was me who urinated in the break room trashcan..........(it was)

I would not put much stock in him being able to give an accuarate assesement of where he is at and his relations with others.

Good Luck to you.....

smacked

All I read in that is "I am going to drink, no matter what." Which he's perfectly allowed to do without his attempt at rationalizations for it.

I'm just wondering, if you're divorced..how are you even exposed to his ramblings and behavior? Isn't that the purpose of the divorce? Carry on with your life hun..

NewChapter

Thanks so much, all. I appreciate the comments suggesting I move on....I most definitely have, and I'm in couseling, Al-Anon, and have many dear friends in my parish who are helping me through. I have detached from his drama as much as is possible after 30 years and 4 young adult children.

I continue to be interested in the issue for a couple of reasons. First, our 4 children, ages 19-25 who have alcoholism on both sides of the family. I am concerned for their future, and all are currently in college, where, of course, drinking is "part of the fun." It has been helpful for me to understand the reasons for what seems to be crazy behavior on his part, and helpful to a few of them, as well.

Also, my X(thank God)AH has turned our family home (I'm out of there) into a center for underage drinking. Over the summer, he "hosted" parties for our 19- and 20-year-old daughters and their friends. As I finished packing last week, there is a wooden sign over the front door "Green Door Tavern", vomit on the walls of 2 bathrooms, "punch" made from vodka and Crystal Lite in the fridge at the bar, and several kid's gym bags lying around with partial bottles of rum and vodka. I am told he challenges the kids to drink shots, etc. He needs to be a popular guy, and, unless our sons' frat brothers are around, and because most men of character want nothing to do with him, he has to settle for hanging out with the under-21s at the house. Although I am out of the marriage, his alcohol problem continues to be a factor in my life and, more importantly, in the lives of his kids.

By the way, although the divorce is final, he is demanding I return his hand guns, one of which was loaded and lying on a shelf (near the bar) in November when I removed them. Can't think of a worse idea than a loaded gun at the bar where kids are drinking. Not gonna happen.

Without the education I've received on this forum and at Al-Anon, I would still think I was nuts. So thanks.

LexieCat

If I were you, I'd consult a lawyer on what to do with the guns. You may not have a legal right to possess them (depending on your State's laws), and you may not have the right to keep his property. By the same token, HE may not have the legal right to possess them (in some States alcoholics are barred by statute from possessing firearms without a doctor's note saying it is safe to have them).

I'm not giving you legal advice here, just suggesting you might want to get some on this specific issue. I'm really glad you took them out of the house, though.

LexieCat

Oh, and incidentally, HE is looking at a world of legal hurt if his underage parties ever come to light. Glad your divorce is final, so your assets aren't at risk.

c49

I wont give you legal advice either.

BUT, If it were me I'd flatten them in a press or find someone willing to do that for me. I'd be happy to tell the judge that I'm keeping the guns away from the underage drinking parties that your ex is hosting.

Stay strong