In a bad place right now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 1
In a bad place right now.
this is my first post...
After 15 years of binge drinking, I have finally came off of a month and a half drunk (with the exception of two sober days). Why I became this way was to kill the pain from a long unsuccessful relationship, anxiety, panic attacks, paranoia, and boredom .
My ex always knew about my binge drinking problem, (and I drank way, way less when I was with her) but this breakup was too much for me. We lived together for many years in my country and then moved to her country, I gave everything up for her, I was deeply in love. After she moved out, I lost it.
Every time I had to talk to her it was talking to a completely different cold,
uncaring, unsympathetic, temperamental women. She took out every problem she/we ever had on me. This was unacceptable to me, and completely false. She always had anger issues, and could never control her temper. This was one of the reasons that started me to drink my self to death. Everytime I had to see her see would instantly try to provoke an argument, I instantly grabbed the bottle. The boredom came from me not being able to speak the language from the country I am living in, and with absolutely no friends here. There was a part of me that wanted to leave back to my native country sooner, but was unable to due to a legal binding work contract, but I was also always wishing she would come back to me. Too sad. I realize now she is not good for me. But there is still the pain.
I binged because I deal with crippling social anxiety, panic attacks AND AM EXTREMELY NERVOUS around people...etc The only way I could become social was to drink. When I am sober, I cant talk, or even look at anyone in the eyes, I pretty much am shaking when someone talks to me. Believe me, this was not me before I started binging. I was the most energetic, out guying person. So people tell me. Now, I have no energy, easy stressed, I hardly ever leave the sofa in my free time. For years I keeped lying to my self saying this was not withdrawl, its something else. I lied to Doctors for years trying to get help for anxiety, I never told them about my alcohol abuse even if they asked.
I move back home in 2 days to no family, no place to live, no job, and only drinking buddies. As soon as I step off the plane my drinking buddies will want to...drink.
The depression is very heavy right now, I feel very hopeless. One the biggest worries
in my life is that I am never going to be in a relationship again. I have been alone far to long and do not like it. And when, and if, I get a job, it will be another factor. I work in a VERY high stress, very long hour, short deadline industry which is also a factor in my drinking problem. It is normal in this work environment to drink the stress away, and reward your self with a drink. I have lost so much weight over this also, because I never ate, just drank. If you could only see the black bags under my eyes, leather skin, the shakiness, you would be scared too. I look like I'm 50, and I turn 30 at the end of this month.
I don't know if I have it in me to go to AA, scared to death. I will probably be shaking in there and EXTREMELY NERVOUS. I have such hi anxiety, its hard for me to even leave my place.
The only reason I am not drunk right now is because I found SR, and have been reading
stories for the past 5 hours in tears.
I want to thank you for this site, I belive if I did not find it I may have been dead in a couple months. But i have to try and figure something out.
After 15 years of binge drinking, I have finally came off of a month and a half drunk (with the exception of two sober days). Why I became this way was to kill the pain from a long unsuccessful relationship, anxiety, panic attacks, paranoia, and boredom .
My ex always knew about my binge drinking problem, (and I drank way, way less when I was with her) but this breakup was too much for me. We lived together for many years in my country and then moved to her country, I gave everything up for her, I was deeply in love. After she moved out, I lost it.
Every time I had to talk to her it was talking to a completely different cold,
uncaring, unsympathetic, temperamental women. She took out every problem she/we ever had on me. This was unacceptable to me, and completely false. She always had anger issues, and could never control her temper. This was one of the reasons that started me to drink my self to death. Everytime I had to see her see would instantly try to provoke an argument, I instantly grabbed the bottle. The boredom came from me not being able to speak the language from the country I am living in, and with absolutely no friends here. There was a part of me that wanted to leave back to my native country sooner, but was unable to due to a legal binding work contract, but I was also always wishing she would come back to me. Too sad. I realize now she is not good for me. But there is still the pain.
I binged because I deal with crippling social anxiety, panic attacks AND AM EXTREMELY NERVOUS around people...etc The only way I could become social was to drink. When I am sober, I cant talk, or even look at anyone in the eyes, I pretty much am shaking when someone talks to me. Believe me, this was not me before I started binging. I was the most energetic, out guying person. So people tell me. Now, I have no energy, easy stressed, I hardly ever leave the sofa in my free time. For years I keeped lying to my self saying this was not withdrawl, its something else. I lied to Doctors for years trying to get help for anxiety, I never told them about my alcohol abuse even if they asked.
I move back home in 2 days to no family, no place to live, no job, and only drinking buddies. As soon as I step off the plane my drinking buddies will want to...drink.
The depression is very heavy right now, I feel very hopeless. One the biggest worries
in my life is that I am never going to be in a relationship again. I have been alone far to long and do not like it. And when, and if, I get a job, it will be another factor. I work in a VERY high stress, very long hour, short deadline industry which is also a factor in my drinking problem. It is normal in this work environment to drink the stress away, and reward your self with a drink. I have lost so much weight over this also, because I never ate, just drank. If you could only see the black bags under my eyes, leather skin, the shakiness, you would be scared too. I look like I'm 50, and I turn 30 at the end of this month.
I don't know if I have it in me to go to AA, scared to death. I will probably be shaking in there and EXTREMELY NERVOUS. I have such hi anxiety, its hard for me to even leave my place.
The only reason I am not drunk right now is because I found SR, and have been reading
stories for the past 5 hours in tears.
I want to thank you for this site, I belive if I did not find it I may have been dead in a couple months. But i have to try and figure something out.
Grateful Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: MI
Posts: 1,080
Hi Curl, and welcome to SR. Reading these threads did so much for me. It kept me from feeling alone, and it kept me feeling strong, and that I could beat this thing that had me down. I'm glad you're here. 
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, curl,
I suspect (because you say you were fine, socially, before you started binge-drinking) that your anxiety, panic, and inability to look anyone in the eye is DIRECTLY related to your drinking. I was drinking enough when I quit that I was in a constant feeling of panic every day--it was alcohol withdrawal. It causes the shaking, the nerves. I had trouble speaking and swallowing or even moving.
My strong suggestion is that you look into a medically-supervised detox with rehab and/or AA following your detox. As bleak as things look to you right now, plenty of people who were just as bad off as you have recovered and are living good lives again.
I suspect (because you say you were fine, socially, before you started binge-drinking) that your anxiety, panic, and inability to look anyone in the eye is DIRECTLY related to your drinking. I was drinking enough when I quit that I was in a constant feeling of panic every day--it was alcohol withdrawal. It causes the shaking, the nerves. I had trouble speaking and swallowing or even moving.
My strong suggestion is that you look into a medically-supervised detox with rehab and/or AA following your detox. As bleak as things look to you right now, plenty of people who were just as bad off as you have recovered and are living good lives again.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to our recovery community.....
Returning to your country where you can communicate better
is an excellent plan .... in my opinion.
that should make it easier to find local resources.....
Glad you are here
Returning to your country where you can communicate better
is an excellent plan .... in my opinion.
that should make it easier to find local resources.....
Glad you are here
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 160
Welcome Curl,
You came to the right place. Yes indeed, there is much going on in your life that you'd like to change: drinking, being alone, anxiety, job.
The best advice I can give is to break this complex situation into small pieces and start with the top-most priority issue - drinking alcohol. LexiCat said it best in her comment above by checking "into a medically-supervised detox with rehab and/or AA following your detox."
As you mentioned, your "friends" will be waiting for you to deplane and take you out drinking. How will they react when you refuse? They may OR may not understand what you're going through.
I think you'll need to take action beforehand to set their expectations.
Please keep us posted.
You came to the right place. Yes indeed, there is much going on in your life that you'd like to change: drinking, being alone, anxiety, job.
The best advice I can give is to break this complex situation into small pieces and start with the top-most priority issue - drinking alcohol. LexiCat said it best in her comment above by checking "into a medically-supervised detox with rehab and/or AA following your detox."
As you mentioned, your "friends" will be waiting for you to deplane and take you out drinking. How will they react when you refuse? They may OR may not understand what you're going through.
I think you'll need to take action beforehand to set their expectations.
Please keep us posted.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 318
[QUOTE=curl;2705792]this is my first post...
I don't know if I have it in me to go to AA, scared to death. I will probably be shaking in there and EXTREMELY NERVOUS. I have such hi anxiety, its hard for me to even leave my place.
QUOTE]
I was terrified of my first meeting, just yesterday, and now I just can't wait to go to the next one. People are very welcoming and warm, I felt very much in touch there because it was like relating to my own kind for the first time in my life.
I don't know if I have it in me to go to AA, scared to death. I will probably be shaking in there and EXTREMELY NERVOUS. I have such hi anxiety, its hard for me to even leave my place.
QUOTE]
I was terrified of my first meeting, just yesterday, and now I just can't wait to go to the next one. People are very welcoming and warm, I felt very much in touch there because it was like relating to my own kind for the first time in my life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 729
"The only reason I am not drunk right now is because I found SR, and have been reading
stories for the past 5 hours in tears."
I want you to know that on June 2, 2006 I was looking at the noose end of a rope about to throw in the final towel.
I want you to know that I read everything I could and saw the path of sobriety.
I want you to know that that path still exists.
Best.
stories for the past 5 hours in tears."
I want you to know that on June 2, 2006 I was looking at the noose end of a rope about to throw in the final towel.
I want you to know that I read everything I could and saw the path of sobriety.
I want you to know that that path still exists.
Best.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Mgm, AL
Posts: 1,000
Welcome, Curl.
Chapter 11, A Vision For You, Alcoholics Anonymous
To add to something someone else posted, I was surprized to learn that alcohol was the root of all my problems, and that alcohol is a depressant. It wasn't the depression causing the drinking, it was the drinking causing the depression! I spent countless THOUSANDS trying to convince a 'phsrynk' that I was depressed, and all the while he was trying to convince me I was a drunk. I fired him.
AA works, but recovery is a contact sport. Gotta be engaged to win. Go to a meeting and listen. Chances are you'll find you.
The less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself. As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker. Some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did — then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen — Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand!
To add to something someone else posted, I was surprized to learn that alcohol was the root of all my problems, and that alcohol is a depressant. It wasn't the depression causing the drinking, it was the drinking causing the depression! I spent countless THOUSANDS trying to convince a 'phsrynk' that I was depressed, and all the while he was trying to convince me I was a drunk. I fired him.
AA works, but recovery is a contact sport. Gotta be engaged to win. Go to a meeting and listen. Chances are you'll find you.
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