Eight Ball

My husband of 22 years is an alcoholic although he is in denial about this. I am reading lots of books on the subject as I am not in denial and they nearly all talk about the alcoholic being very remoresful following an unpleasant alcoholic incident, very regretful and sorry. Mine isnt at all and I wondered why this would be. He chooses to ignore the night before and starts the next day with 'good morning', as if it never even happened.

Just curious.

CarolD

He may be a blackout drunk.....I
I was...that means I had no memory of what I did.

Post 16 on this link explains Blackouts

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

Or maybe he is avoiding the issue by pretending.

I was not married...either as an active alcoholic
or now as an AA recovered alcoholic.
Sooo....I have no experience to share with you.

Blessings to both of you

LexieCat

Carol could be right, and he may not remember what happened.

OTOH, he may be inwardly berating himself, and hoping that if he carries on as if nothing happened he can make it go away. Or he may be oblivious to how painful the way he behaves is to others.

Hard to say, really.

baggervance

Maybe he is not an alcohalic after all it's up to him to decide. Everyone who drinks is not an alcoholic.

LaFemme

I hate that philosophy and think it only applies to people who are in the early stages of alcoholism. Watch "Rain in my heart", when Toni says she's not an alcoholic and dies in the next scene leaving behind a child...that's where that mentality gets you.

suki44883

This is true, but also, everyone who drinks isn't a huge jerk who verbally abuses their family. Some people are just huge jerks period.

bellakeller

I was in complete denial as to how I was affecting those around me when I was drinking. I thought that if I was a jerk to people, they should know that I was drunk and they should take that into account and not take my jerkiness seriously. It was their fault - they needed to grow a thicker skin and get over the messes I made. I mean, really. Grow up. I really thought it was THEIR problem that they were hurt by my drinking. Sick, right?! Alcohol and denial kept me so sick.

AA, HP and therapy have all helped me treat my illness.

DayTrader

Maybe because "it's working" doing it that way. I mean, why show remorse if pretending it never occurred is working (and maybe it's not working on you.....but maybe it is..... I dunno).

I used to do what he's doing. Tell my wife she's wrong, she's over-exaggerating, she's mistaken, she misunderstood, she didn't know the whole story...... etc. Kept her off my back for a long time too.....

-and I felt remorse.......but I'd never admit it.

fiveyearzen

I wasn't in denial about being an alcoholic. I drank so much that it was obvious to everybody I had a major problem. There really wasn't much point in denying that. I rather embraced it. My denial was that I could be an alcoholic and still lead anything that resembled a healthy, productive life. But since I was fine with being an alcoholic, I never had much remorse. I guess you could say that my heart was hardened. I don't know, but I doubt serial killers or rapists feel any remorse, because they've done it so much that it no longer affects them. It's just part of life. Same went for me. Same may apply to your husband.

Che

Tell your husband you want to cut down drinking together... If he has trouble doing that, he's an alcoholic, and he'll see it himself.

Do other people you know think he drinks too much?

Eight Ball

No, definitely an alcoholic. Has had a period of sobrietry when he went to AA etc but relapsed earlier this year. Wasnt even remoresful about that and blamed it on me.

Eight Ball

I dont drink - only rarely, years of living with an alcoholic has put me off drinking! I wasnt using the term alcoholic lightly, I know exactly what my husband is. He chooses alcohol before me.

yeahgr8

Hi yesbutnobut

There is a great family and friends section on SR...

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Absolutely an alcoholic can show little remourse and blame you for his drinking, AA has a great saying that some are sicker than others...denial is a very powerful thing indeed...you might want to consider getting some face to face help for you...

artsoul

Looking back on it, I did everything in my power to keep up appearances so that I could continue to drink. I was sure that eventually I'd figure out a way to moderate, but I was basically just trying to keep it together many, many days. I don't think I realized how much time and attention alcohol sucked from me or how obsessed I had become until I got sober.

I would bet money that he is thinking about his drinking a lot. Once you get sober and attend AA, going back to drinking is not the same.

I hope your husband decides to get back into sobriety, but in the meantime do whatever it takes to take care of you.

AlcoholicOrNot

An individual dealing with their own alcohol problem is difficult enough but dealing with a loved one's addiction is much more complicated.

Are they receptive to your suggestions to "cut down" or stop all-together? The answer to this question tells how much more difficult the journey will be.

Tactful, honest discussions with your husband may be a good start.

If he "stands his ground" and continues to deny there's a problem at all, then another approach is needed.

What that is, I can't say. Some people are more open-minded than others and realize more readily than others. Some people, like my father, NEVER come around to the realization. He was just too "pig-headed".