Che

I try to be perfect. I do everything I say I will do, and I don't lash out at people. I try to analyse my feelings and observe them in objective terms. I try not to do anything that will make someone else feel bad.

I become an anxiety ridden robot and I forget how to cry. I stop allowing myself pity and keep trudging forward. That doesn't work forever. I begin to forget why I'm acting like a robot. Terrain becomes more difficult to traverse and wear takes its effect on my metallic skin. Parts of me leak out and I want to stop them from escaping. I want it all to stay in here with me so that it doesn't bother anyone.

So a series of terrible (to me) events occur, and I lose my resolve. I start thinking about alcohol, and seriously consider consuming it. I pick up a bottle and know what it would taste like. I wonder how it would make me feel. I don't know, really. But why did I become a robot?

I became a robot to stop drinking. Rather, I became a man inside of a robot form. If I deny the emotions that lead me to drinking, maybe I can make it easier on myself. Did I become a robot on purpose? It doesn't matter.

Today and yesterday I was so close to drinking. But then I thought 'you're in no emotional state to make this kind of decision' so I turned down the desire. 'I'll decide when I'm not in this state.' Of course the emotional state didn't just disappear. So I curled up on my bed and cried. I cursed myself and my movie-cliche emotions. Everything I feel sounds like it is from some dumb book or movie or show. I spout lines that a celebrity should be saying. It feels awful, but immediately after I have that feeling in my nose. My own brain releasing serotonin, telling me 'I'm sorry I've been so forceful and cruel. I'm sorry I've been telling you to constantly feel like you need to change everything. Have a break.'

A rare, but welcome apology.

PS: Sorry if this writing style is annoying or sounds insincere... My thoughts aren't this organised in reality, but it's hard to write clouds.

CarolD

Glad you are still sober....
Early sobriety is difficult for most of us.

Che

Hard for me too, but not impossible!

Ainslie

Hey

I try to remind myself, good days, bad days, long days, short days.

Someones signature line I read recently was "just for today, I will not 'should' on myself" and another one "everything already is okay" those simple lines have helped me a lot in the past couple of days.

LexieCat

Che,

Sorry you're in so much pain. If sobriety continues to feel like this (acting like a robot, keeping all your feelings inside until they overflow), you might want to consider trying the 12 Steps.

Hope you feel better.

Omega10

Ignoring your emotions is almost as bad as drinking to hide them. Emotions, whether good or bad, are important and need to be felt. The trick is in how we release them. It's great that you allowed yourself to cry! Keep doing it! Anger is also a natural emotion that we need to feel - it only becomes a bad thing if we allow it to negatively impact ourselves and those around us. Try to find an outlet for the adrenaline rush that accompanies the anger - go for a brisk walk, ride a bike, or sit in a comfy spot and breath deeply until you have worked through it all.

The worst thing you can do is bottle up your emotions - it's a surefire way to put you back on the path to a relapse. After all, don't most of us drink to hide our emotions?

DayTrader

Wow.......sounds a lot like my early sobriety. Looking back after the fact I could see that my perfectionism was nothing more than just another old belief system (or "tool") that I was continually trying to use in all situations. In sobriety, just like in my life before recovering, the perfectionism tool had the same results: anxiety, despair, feeling weak because I couldn't "do it" or do it enough, I'd get mad at myself, etc etc etc..... I started feeling worse than I did (I thought) when I was drinking. I was constantly "trying" this and trying that........trying trying trying.... working....planning.... implementing.... on and on.

That's where the concept of "surrender" finally started to make sense. Not only. Surrendering to our alcoholism is tough enough but surrendering to all that other stuff is equally as difficult...if not more-so. It takes time and, above all, open-mindedness.

Recovery is constantly growing and evolving. I find myself hitting what feel like different "levels"......I hang there for a bit.....then pick up my stuff and move forward again because there's more out there to experience.

Stay on the path Che...continue looking at yourself and being honest (with yourself especially) about what's goin' on and what's happening in your life. Keep your options open and try to continue to stay as open to change as you can.......and it'll get continually better.

Boleo

This is where prayer and meditation helped me get a break from the trials and tribulations of every day life. Try reading some Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra or Shunryu Suzuki.

MeAndOnlyMe

This is a beautiful statement.

Scott1970

I found early in my first go around in recovery that I kept emotions bottled up inside me. I did not share, I did not talk to others, I felt I would be judged, people would not understand or I would just open myself up for failure. We see where that got me, as I said my first go around.

I am almost at nine months on this go around and find I need to be open with others. I need to share with them the pain I am in. I know my true friends will not judge me, they have gone through these emotions themselves and can truly understand where I am coming from. No I am not perfect, I do occasionally hit the closed stage where I start to put myself in a hole. Last time I did that I was sitting at the kitchen table with a bottle of wine and my sleeping pills. Did I do what I thought was right at that time..no. I grabbed my cell, went for a walk and called my sponsor. Did he have all the right answers, can't tell you now..don't remember. I know though that knowing he cared got me through it.

Your network is an invaluable part of your recovery. I need it whether I need help or whether I am helping a newcomer.

Thanks for sharing!