He has 14 years and I have 17 days - really sick!
Being Me for the first time
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Wishek, North Dakota
Posts: 1,160
Peta.. your sponcer is correct .. he should know better for one , Speaking from experience tho in the end was differant .. but yet its the same , I too got hooked up in a situation was a blind date as well .. but he in the program an I was just shy of 2 months . we became very good friends etc .. I felt as tho the relationship and the attention I was getting replaced the desire to drink and tho I was still workin my progam and learning much from him . I go back to my journals and read and see how overly obsessed I was with him , I wouldnt leave the house now do anything that maybe would cause me to miss a call ( didnt have a cell at the time ) this went on for over a yr and at this point had fallin deep in love with the man . tho he said in the beginnin that wasnt going to happen on his end . and I shouldnt do that either . well to late it happend and then he met a woman who he ended up falling in love with and married .. I was devistated ! to say the least .. I didnt return to the drink , I had good footing .. but it was as tho I had just giving up the drink I felt lonly abandoned all the emotions one feels when you give up the drink .. I should of known better . Im the one who went against the suggestions of those in AA .. sure he knew better , But I cant control him , I can only control myself .. I made the choice ... today were very good friends as I stated the end is diff .. I did learn much of my program thu him . It took some yrs to get to the point of being friends in the beginning i thought being " just " friends even tho he was marring , It would re open that door for the relationship we had , sick thinkin but im a alki and we all have that in us . anything to return to the drink thinkin but it was anything to return to the way things were with him . did I learn a lesson ? ooh big time lesson and I share my experience with those who think its smart to start a realtionship esp with someone in the program .. so I say this to you and to others .. " date recovery first " if you can maintain a realtionship with it for a yr or 2 .. then its fine to date another but never forget your true love of recovery it will never do you wrong ! I hope you make the right choice . it wont be easy but just do it .. huggles and best of love to you ~ huggles Endzy ~
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
When I was new, there was one older guy (maybe 10 years older than I) with 20-plus years of sobriety, married. He had a habit of kissing me on the lips when we hugged. I started turning my head, and eventually just avoided him altogether. He still creeps me out, in spite of his good "talk" in the rooms.
Another guy came back in after a seven-year relapse about the same time as I. He'd had 17 years sober before his relapse. For awhile I gave him rides because he had no car, but I started feeling an odd "vibe" from him that made me think there was some attraction on his part. I liked him fine as a friend, but I wasn't attracted to him "that way" and I know I'm not ready to get involved with anyone. I started not being available for rides anymore. He did nothing inappropriate, but I had a feeling this could wind up in a bad place, with hurt feelings if nothing worse.
I've seen more than a couple of people relapse after getting involved with someone (in or out of the program) too soon. I know I'm a long way still from being ready to get involved with anyone. The "one year" suggestion for avoiding big changes in early sobriety may not be hard-and-fast, but it makes a lot of sense on a lot of different levels.
Another guy came back in after a seven-year relapse about the same time as I. He'd had 17 years sober before his relapse. For awhile I gave him rides because he had no car, but I started feeling an odd "vibe" from him that made me think there was some attraction on his part. I liked him fine as a friend, but I wasn't attracted to him "that way" and I know I'm not ready to get involved with anyone. I started not being available for rides anymore. He did nothing inappropriate, but I had a feeling this could wind up in a bad place, with hurt feelings if nothing worse.
I've seen more than a couple of people relapse after getting involved with someone (in or out of the program) too soon. I know I'm a long way still from being ready to get involved with anyone. The "one year" suggestion for avoiding big changes in early sobriety may not be hard-and-fast, but it makes a lot of sense on a lot of different levels.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by suki44883 
Furthermore, the men (and women) of that group who know his history should be having a serious talk with both he and you.
We have a duty to protect the newcomers to AA. It's a duty that is often overlooked.
I'm not encouraging anyone to be the damn sex police in AA. Do what you want, hook up with who you want, make your own mistakes.
I'm speaking to the AA members who allow this sort of behavior to damage those that come to AA looking for help. It's up to us to keep the rooms a safe place.
We have a duty to protect the newcomers to AA. It's a duty that is often overlooked.
I'm not encouraging anyone to be the damn sex police in AA. Do what you want, hook up with who you want, make your own mistakes.
I'm speaking to the AA members who allow this sort of behavior to damage those that come to AA looking for help. It's up to us to keep the rooms a safe place.
I was proud of my ex for taking on the task of talking to this guy, who apparently saw nothing wrong with his behavior. They took a group conscience, and decided to tell him he could no longer attend that group.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Peta, I'm an outsider in AA terms (since I don't go to meetings), but your question about where his head is at is the right one to me. With that much time behind him, he should know better. Mind you, I don't throw stones at him for his interest, because I don't think there is something evil about warming up to somebody. But he's being blind to the consequences of his actions, and it would be nice if other experienced and spiritually well men, as the "old English bird" puts it, would observe and give him a talking to.
I can only speculate, but I am guessing he has not helped you to remove the obsession to drink; he (and his desirability) has only displaced it. When you consider the fact that you and your husband don't seem to be on the same page about your status with alcohol, it seems like this knight in shining armour is only a symptom of what you have going on inside you. I speculate again that you need to have someone truly communicating with you but that you are accustomed to getting by without it (your husband is in denial about your alcoholism and you have a goodlooking male friend at AA who is working on creating a sort of chemistry between you and him even though you are a vulnerable newbie who should be focusing on sobriety and getting better).
I could be all wrong and you are supposed to live out your life with Mr Charming, but my assumption is that he is just being inattentive to the correct thing to do and 13th-stepping. That's not always that dog-like, because men have feelings too and they aren't all penile in nature - just very, very often, ha ha. So in light of that, I think you should find a way to put a stop to this and concentrate on you, truly you, first. Then you and your husband. The concentration on your sobriety needs to be more appetizing than the thinking about Mr 14 Years. Once you know what it is to be spiritually well and not just comprehend the words, you will be in a better position to handle questions and choices about men and your involvement with them. It could be (who knows?) that things don't go well with your husband down the road, with this difference in behaviour, but a lot can change in time. Either way, you will need that foundation inside. And chances are in the future you will also be a little irritated that Mr Prince carried on like this while you were just starting your work on sobriety and recovery.
I can only speculate, but I am guessing he has not helped you to remove the obsession to drink; he (and his desirability) has only displaced it. When you consider the fact that you and your husband don't seem to be on the same page about your status with alcohol, it seems like this knight in shining armour is only a symptom of what you have going on inside you. I speculate again that you need to have someone truly communicating with you but that you are accustomed to getting by without it (your husband is in denial about your alcoholism and you have a goodlooking male friend at AA who is working on creating a sort of chemistry between you and him even though you are a vulnerable newbie who should be focusing on sobriety and getting better).
I could be all wrong and you are supposed to live out your life with Mr Charming, but my assumption is that he is just being inattentive to the correct thing to do and 13th-stepping. That's not always that dog-like, because men have feelings too and they aren't all penile in nature - just very, very often, ha ha. So in light of that, I think you should find a way to put a stop to this and concentrate on you, truly you, first. Then you and your husband. The concentration on your sobriety needs to be more appetizing than the thinking about Mr 14 Years. Once you know what it is to be spiritually well and not just comprehend the words, you will be in a better position to handle questions and choices about men and your involvement with them. It could be (who knows?) that things don't go well with your husband down the road, with this difference in behaviour, but a lot can change in time. Either way, you will need that foundation inside. And chances are in the future you will also be a little irritated that Mr Prince carried on like this while you were just starting your work on sobriety and recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 123
Hello all
Wow - logged on here this morning and heaps of new responses to read. I just feel so blessed that I can get such a wealth of knowledge, experience, wisdom not only in the rooms of AA but also on here.
I obviously know now what I have to do
I'm not a person to BLANK someone (even though my sponsor says I should just ignore his texts)
I am going to see him this afternoon and tell him for my own recovery I want not to have any more contact with him.
Had a really good chat on the phone with my sponsor last night and she told me he's done this to 3 of her sponsees - and she isnt the only sponsor in AA so do the math.
She also said that he's been with other girls who were too embarrassed to come back after (how sad) - now like someone else mentioned this is hearsay and I dont know if its all true but I have no reason to think my sponsor is a liar.
Keith - She has reiterated the message that it is the oldtimers responsibility to keep the newbies safe - and she feels pissed off in OUR particular group that its all left to the women and that some of the men dont step this guy out and tell him to buck up his ideas.
Part of the soft hearted person in me cant help agree with Toronto that while this guy is in the wrong he has feelings too and I havent been an innocent bystander in this I have welcomed his advances in my confused state and now he has some kind of feelings for me - anyway its ending today! I will come back on here and post. and tell you all how it went.
OH and Yeahgr8 your comment RE " ps for all those who think that the steps are just something to consider and not bother doing...this is the result of someone not working them...14 years and as sick as when they walked in...wonder if some ladies opinions about the steps will change after this post?! "
This is exactly what my sponsor says - that he may be 'dry' but not drinking is only one part of sobriety and he is as emotionally sick as he was when he first came in because he hasnt done steps properly (doesnt have a sponsor etc)
She also said like you did that if i was 2 years sober or something he wouldnt even be attracted to me (and i sure as hell wouldnt be attracted to his pathetic singlet wearing antics in the middle of winter) its because i'm in this vulnerable state that he is making the play..
WIll keep you guys posted
Wow - logged on here this morning and heaps of new responses to read. I just feel so blessed that I can get such a wealth of knowledge, experience, wisdom not only in the rooms of AA but also on here.
I obviously know now what I have to do
I'm not a person to BLANK someone (even though my sponsor says I should just ignore his texts)
I am going to see him this afternoon and tell him for my own recovery I want not to have any more contact with him.
Had a really good chat on the phone with my sponsor last night and she told me he's done this to 3 of her sponsees - and she isnt the only sponsor in AA so do the math.
She also said that he's been with other girls who were too embarrassed to come back after (how sad) - now like someone else mentioned this is hearsay and I dont know if its all true but I have no reason to think my sponsor is a liar.
Keith - She has reiterated the message that it is the oldtimers responsibility to keep the newbies safe - and she feels pissed off in OUR particular group that its all left to the women and that some of the men dont step this guy out and tell him to buck up his ideas.
Part of the soft hearted person in me cant help agree with Toronto that while this guy is in the wrong he has feelings too and I havent been an innocent bystander in this I have welcomed his advances in my confused state and now he has some kind of feelings for me - anyway its ending today! I will come back on here and post. and tell you all how it went.
OH and Yeahgr8 your comment RE " ps for all those who think that the steps are just something to consider and not bother doing...this is the result of someone not working them...14 years and as sick as when they walked in...wonder if some ladies opinions about the steps will change after this post?! "
This is exactly what my sponsor says - that he may be 'dry' but not drinking is only one part of sobriety and he is as emotionally sick as he was when he first came in because he hasnt done steps properly (doesnt have a sponsor etc)
She also said like you did that if i was 2 years sober or something he wouldnt even be attracted to me (and i sure as hell wouldnt be attracted to his pathetic singlet wearing antics in the middle of winter) its because i'm in this vulnerable state that he is making the play..
WIll keep you guys posted
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by Peta
Hi
He has 14 years - wheres his head at?
He has 14 years - wheres his head at?
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by CarolD
(sounds like) you have a sensible wise sponsor....
Stick with the winners ...and she sure sounds like one
Stick with the winners ...and she sure sounds like one
Your sponsor sounds awesome. The "tough old birds," the "cranky oldtimers" and the "Big Book Thumpers" usually make the best sponsors.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Peta, sounds good to me.
The fact that he has reportedly done this 3 times with females associated with your sponsor alone...well, he's a bit randy, I guess. Maybe I should have been a little more intolerant in my reaction. I do think there's something to be said about it being natural, but there are also boundaries and principles to abide by, and the purpose of the group is not romance connections, it's a desire to stop drinking and stay stopped and be of service to others who need the same message alive in their lives. When you look at it that way, he's probably more than "misbehaving." People's lives are at stake after all.
It might feel hard to kind of snuff it all out, but you can put it in your memory banks as a nice fantasy, and nurture yourself instead. (Or maybe that's not a good idea, I don't know.) In the main though, you have to be the most important person now. That's my opinion.
The fact that he has reportedly done this 3 times with females associated with your sponsor alone...well, he's a bit randy, I guess. Maybe I should have been a little more intolerant in my reaction. I do think there's something to be said about it being natural, but there are also boundaries and principles to abide by, and the purpose of the group is not romance connections, it's a desire to stop drinking and stay stopped and be of service to others who need the same message alive in their lives. When you look at it that way, he's probably more than "misbehaving." People's lives are at stake after all.
It might feel hard to kind of snuff it all out, but you can put it in your memory banks as a nice fantasy, and nurture yourself instead. (Or maybe that's not a good idea, I don't know.) In the main though, you have to be the most important person now. That's my opinion.
Grateful Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: MI
Posts: 1,080
That rat ba**ard!! I KNEW it. Good for you, that you posted and asked for opinions, and didn't just think "oh he's sooooooo nice" like a lot of other people would have. You, my friend, are too smart for his bu**sh*t. WORK YOUR STEPS GIRL!! LEAVE HIM IN THE DUST!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 123
Update
Hello my dear sober recovery friends
Well a bit of an update
Appologies for the long rant - I just want to get it all out
STILL SOBER
I have 35 days sober now
Just got back from 10 days on holiday with drinking husband and stayed sober..
ALthough some of my behaviour emotionally is still not sober (alot of it probably)
We fought quite a bit.. but also talked about stuff too and I realised I need to focus on my own recovery,, not fixate on how much he's drinking or why he's choosing not to support me by not drinking
And also I have to focus on the positive attributes on my marriage. He is all in all a good husband to me. He gives me lots of compliements.. is supportive,, funny,, a good earner,, helpful,, caring. No he's not overly romantic and doesnt get my recovery (yet) but as my sponsor says -- give him time -- this is new for him too. Its only a month in. He's open to having my sponsor over for dinner.. wants to meet her so thats a good thing.
RE Mr 14 years sober.. Well my cutting ties with him hasnt been as final or clear cut as I originally envisaged.
I told him I felt I was getting obsessed with him and that this cant be good for my recovery to which he told me he had immensly strong feelings too and felt like he was falling in love with me and has never felt this way about anyone (he is 46 remember) - I guess this appealed to my ego and we talked a bit more and then I went away and we cut contact.
Anyway obviously I had the 10 days away... caught up for a coffee with him to tell him that I had decided on my trip that despite my husbands drinking (which mr 14 years always points out that husband is totally unsupportive and what an a%&hole etc for continuing drinking when i'm getting sober and that he obviously doesnt love me properly etc) I want to commit to my marriage and make it work.. at some point in your life if you want to be married (I know that some people can choose to be happy alone but I do want to be married have a family etc) you surely need to commit to one person, through the good and the bad - thats what marriage vows are for right? and not just 'jump' to another person when the going gets tough - because if you do that then your life will be littered with 2-3 year relationships - I dont want to be an Elizabeth Taylor character. This is already my second marriage and I told myself THIS WAS IT... when I entered it (didnt realise I was an alcoholic at the time though).
However despite this decision.. when I'm WITH 14 year sober I just cant see the wood through the trees. On top of the fact he's incredibly good looking.. He talks with wisdom and really 'gets' so many things. I know this sounds naive considering eveyrthing else I've told you guys.. I do have a lot of experience with people.. relationsihps etc and while he's obviously been a fool/predator whatever to get involved with me - when I talk to him about day to day stuff he really gets it and talks with such spiritual intuitive wisdom it is amazing and spellboudning and thats what gets me every time..He knows what i'm thinking and feeling.. I can send him a text... he will call and totally understand where I'm at in my head without me even having said much in the text. Unfortunately he is also very romantic in a way that my husband is not.. little love notes,, poems,, gold earrings as a present..
My sponsor says this is his game - but what if he is truly a together person and met me and did genuinely see what he's been looking for for a long time.. and I gave him the signals that I wasnt happy in my relationship and lapped up attention ??
I've realised the following about myself
- I love people liking/adoring me and dont want to be in someone's 'bad books' - I know I should cut contact with this guy and commit and love my husband but for some stupid reason I dont want to 'upset him'. When I was praying to God the other day.. God convicted me of the following truth - "so you dont want to 'upset' mr 14 years but you're contemplating devestating your husband who you've committed to love and be faithful to before all your friends/family and me??
- My life has been full of jumping ship when the going gets tough in relationships (not in work or other endeavours) -as soon as the mundane kicks in or my partner isnt 'giving me what i need' whether thats emotionally, sexually, whatever someone else turns up in my life at that exact time and I jump ship..
I'm definitely fearful about what people would 'think' if i had a second marriage go down the gurglur..
But more important I know the following
- a) as far as my recover is concerned changing anything as big as a life partner is not wise this early on. Also not to look for the solution to my problems in another person.
- b) more than what other people think - I dont want to be a ship jumper anymore.. I want to weather the storms of life with someone... I know my husband DOES love me.. he doesnt quite get it yet but he's trying and open to meeting sponsor.. coming to a meeting etc
SO what I need your advice on is HOW DO I END THIS CRAZINESS??
I know you can all say - tell him to f off he's a dick head etc.. But I cant do that.. I have feelings for him now.. he has helped me (probably harmed me just as much)
Should I write him a letter and express the above (ie wanting to commit to marriage) rather than talking face to face which always goes wrong because I end up thinking "man he's lovely I really love this guy"
Thanks for putting up with my rant
Cheers
Well a bit of an update
Appologies for the long rant - I just want to get it all out
STILL SOBER
I have 35 days sober nowJust got back from 10 days on holiday with drinking husband and stayed sober..
ALthough some of my behaviour emotionally is still not sober (alot of it probably)
We fought quite a bit.. but also talked about stuff too and I realised I need to focus on my own recovery,, not fixate on how much he's drinking or why he's choosing not to support me by not drinking
And also I have to focus on the positive attributes on my marriage. He is all in all a good husband to me. He gives me lots of compliements.. is supportive,, funny,, a good earner,, helpful,, caring. No he's not overly romantic and doesnt get my recovery (yet) but as my sponsor says -- give him time -- this is new for him too. Its only a month in. He's open to having my sponsor over for dinner.. wants to meet her so thats a good thing.
RE Mr 14 years sober.. Well my cutting ties with him hasnt been as final or clear cut as I originally envisaged.
I told him I felt I was getting obsessed with him and that this cant be good for my recovery to which he told me he had immensly strong feelings too and felt like he was falling in love with me and has never felt this way about anyone (he is 46 remember) - I guess this appealed to my ego and we talked a bit more and then I went away and we cut contact.
Anyway obviously I had the 10 days away... caught up for a coffee with him to tell him that I had decided on my trip that despite my husbands drinking (which mr 14 years always points out that husband is totally unsupportive and what an a%&hole etc for continuing drinking when i'm getting sober and that he obviously doesnt love me properly etc) I want to commit to my marriage and make it work.. at some point in your life if you want to be married (I know that some people can choose to be happy alone but I do want to be married have a family etc) you surely need to commit to one person, through the good and the bad - thats what marriage vows are for right? and not just 'jump' to another person when the going gets tough - because if you do that then your life will be littered with 2-3 year relationships - I dont want to be an Elizabeth Taylor character. This is already my second marriage and I told myself THIS WAS IT... when I entered it (didnt realise I was an alcoholic at the time though).
However despite this decision.. when I'm WITH 14 year sober I just cant see the wood through the trees. On top of the fact he's incredibly good looking.. He talks with wisdom and really 'gets' so many things. I know this sounds naive considering eveyrthing else I've told you guys.. I do have a lot of experience with people.. relationsihps etc and while he's obviously been a fool/predator whatever to get involved with me - when I talk to him about day to day stuff he really gets it and talks with such spiritual intuitive wisdom it is amazing and spellboudning and thats what gets me every time..He knows what i'm thinking and feeling.. I can send him a text... he will call and totally understand where I'm at in my head without me even having said much in the text. Unfortunately he is also very romantic in a way that my husband is not.. little love notes,, poems,, gold earrings as a present..
My sponsor says this is his game - but what if he is truly a together person and met me and did genuinely see what he's been looking for for a long time.. and I gave him the signals that I wasnt happy in my relationship and lapped up attention ??
I've realised the following about myself
- I love people liking/adoring me and dont want to be in someone's 'bad books' - I know I should cut contact with this guy and commit and love my husband but for some stupid reason I dont want to 'upset him'. When I was praying to God the other day.. God convicted me of the following truth - "so you dont want to 'upset' mr 14 years but you're contemplating devestating your husband who you've committed to love and be faithful to before all your friends/family and me??
- My life has been full of jumping ship when the going gets tough in relationships (not in work or other endeavours) -as soon as the mundane kicks in or my partner isnt 'giving me what i need' whether thats emotionally, sexually, whatever someone else turns up in my life at that exact time and I jump ship..
I'm definitely fearful about what people would 'think' if i had a second marriage go down the gurglur..
But more important I know the following
- a) as far as my recover is concerned changing anything as big as a life partner is not wise this early on. Also not to look for the solution to my problems in another person.
- b) more than what other people think - I dont want to be a ship jumper anymore.. I want to weather the storms of life with someone... I know my husband DOES love me.. he doesnt quite get it yet but he's trying and open to meeting sponsor.. coming to a meeting etc
SO what I need your advice on is HOW DO I END THIS CRAZINESS??
I know you can all say - tell him to f off he's a dick head etc.. But I cant do that.. I have feelings for him now.. he has helped me (probably harmed me just as much)
Should I write him a letter and express the above (ie wanting to commit to marriage) rather than talking face to face which always goes wrong because I end up thinking "man he's lovely I really love this guy"
Thanks for putting up with my rant
Cheers
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
I'm not going to judge your actions! If you posted that you had been chasing after the neighbourhood alsation in the hope of securing a long term relationship because men have always let you down i wouldn't be surprised...you are an insane active alcoholic who has put down the drink, that makes you an insane alcoholic without the active which is definitely a step in the right direction.
Work the steps of AA with a sponsor and get your spiritual awkakening (drastic personality change) and get restored to sanity...then you will be able to see things clearly and your perception of all this will change:-)
Work the steps of AA with a sponsor and get your spiritual awkakening (drastic personality change) and get restored to sanity...then you will be able to see things clearly and your perception of all this will change:-)
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Peta,
It's sorta like quitting drinking--one obsession or the other, you gotta put the plug in the jug.
From what your sponsor says, he won't grieve the "loss" of you for long--he'll move on to another newcomer who is a better prospect.
I'd skip the heartfelt letter, which he is likely to read (correctly) as a signal that he's gotten under your skin.
You don't owe him anything. You can ignore him, tell him you don't want to talk with him alone anymore, and stick to your sponsor or with other women like glue when you are at meetings. Doesn't your sponsor have any male friends she could sic on this guy to tell him to shove off?
It's sorta like quitting drinking--one obsession or the other, you gotta put the plug in the jug.
From what your sponsor says, he won't grieve the "loss" of you for long--he'll move on to another newcomer who is a better prospect.
I'd skip the heartfelt letter, which he is likely to read (correctly) as a signal that he's gotten under your skin.
You don't owe him anything. You can ignore him, tell him you don't want to talk with him alone anymore, and stick to your sponsor or with other women like glue when you are at meetings. Doesn't your sponsor have any male friends she could sic on this guy to tell him to shove off?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
SO what I need your advice on is HOW DO I END THIS CRAZINESS??
You just go no contact. You do not contact him or see him or accept his calls or texts. You just are no longer available to him. You are a married woman. You have no business being involved with some other guy while you are married.
Your husband may not be the knight in shining armor, but he is still your husband and he doesn't deserve you sneaking around behind his back making goo-goo eyes at some 13th stepper from AA.
This so-called "14 year sober man" has just zeroed in on you for his latest conquest. You are no different that the other women who have been in your position. Why would you risk your marriage for some guy who will just move on to the next target if he can't string you along any longer?
Wake up and smell the coffee!!
You just go no contact. You do not contact him or see him or accept his calls or texts. You just are no longer available to him. You are a married woman. You have no business being involved with some other guy while you are married.
Your husband may not be the knight in shining armor, but he is still your husband and he doesn't deserve you sneaking around behind his back making goo-goo eyes at some 13th stepper from AA.
This so-called "14 year sober man" has just zeroed in on you for his latest conquest. You are no different that the other women who have been in your position. Why would you risk your marriage for some guy who will just move on to the next target if he can't string you along any longer?
Wake up and smell the coffee!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Peta
It's very easily to substitute one obsession for another in early recovery.
This is what this is - and whats more worrying reading this it sounds to me like this guy knows it.
This guy sounds to me like he's got all the lines down pat - what if he doesn't really know you so well at all - maybe he's just feeding back your own lines to you, and telling you what he knows you want to hear?
I'll bet you a bundle he's done this before, and he'll do it again too.
Even if I'm wrong?
He has 14 years sobriety - he knows the score....If he really had your best interests at heart, he would have done the decent thing and left the scene when you told him you were getting obsessed with him and that it wasn't good for yr recovery.
Don't be taken in.
Cut contact - instantly completely and for good - no goodbye letters, no goodbye coffees...walk away now.
D
It's very easily to substitute one obsession for another in early recovery.
This is what this is - and whats more worrying reading this it sounds to me like this guy knows it.
This guy sounds to me like he's got all the lines down pat - what if he doesn't really know you so well at all - maybe he's just feeding back your own lines to you, and telling you what he knows you want to hear?
I'll bet you a bundle he's done this before, and he'll do it again too.
Even if I'm wrong?
He has 14 years sobriety - he knows the score....If he really had your best interests at heart, he would have done the decent thing and left the scene when you told him you were getting obsessed with him and that it wasn't good for yr recovery.
Don't be taken in.
Cut contact - instantly completely and for good - no goodbye letters, no goodbye coffees...walk away now.
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Between Serenity and Despair
Posts: 522
I'm going to second (and third) what others have said to you.
I have an experience sort of like this in my arsenal with the good-looking older man. Of course, this was before I quit drinking. The whole three-year experience I had with this older, good-looking man, who "got me" and who really listened, ended up marking the beginning of my serious drinking. Once he had me in his snare, this man, who claimed to love me, treated me like complete, utter, doo doo.
When that relationship ended, so did my dignity, my self-respect, and my confidence. I lifted my glass to the end of the world, and I hung on that path for about four years.
I allowed that relationship to be my undoing. All I had worked for -- gone. Even my looks (and I was very pretty at one time), ruined. All that relationship earned me was the loss of my husband's trust, and the interesting experience of being an alcoholic.
It's very possible my alcoholism was just waiting for an excuse to blossom. As is, though, that relationship triggered the really heavy drinking, which led to all the other bad stuff.
Since I've gotten sober, I've started regaining myself, bit by bit. It's taken so long and has been such hard work, though. If your sponsor is telling you this guy's a no-good player, I bet she's right. Don't let him play you. Don't use up energy and self-respect on this guy.
If he asks you what's wrong, tell him it's disrepectful to your husband and to the wedding vows you made to continue contact. Ask him to please respect your wishes and drop it. If he refuses, is there someone in the organization you can report him to?
Anyway, I hate to see you let this guy manipulate you. You're doing the right thing by walking away. Don't let him play you into changing your mind.
I have an experience sort of like this in my arsenal with the good-looking older man. Of course, this was before I quit drinking. The whole three-year experience I had with this older, good-looking man, who "got me" and who really listened, ended up marking the beginning of my serious drinking. Once he had me in his snare, this man, who claimed to love me, treated me like complete, utter, doo doo.
When that relationship ended, so did my dignity, my self-respect, and my confidence. I lifted my glass to the end of the world, and I hung on that path for about four years.
I allowed that relationship to be my undoing. All I had worked for -- gone. Even my looks (and I was very pretty at one time), ruined. All that relationship earned me was the loss of my husband's trust, and the interesting experience of being an alcoholic.
It's very possible my alcoholism was just waiting for an excuse to blossom. As is, though, that relationship triggered the really heavy drinking, which led to all the other bad stuff.
Since I've gotten sober, I've started regaining myself, bit by bit. It's taken so long and has been such hard work, though. If your sponsor is telling you this guy's a no-good player, I bet she's right. Don't let him play you. Don't use up energy and self-respect on this guy.
If he asks you what's wrong, tell him it's disrepectful to your husband and to the wedding vows you made to continue contact. Ask him to please respect your wishes and drop it. If he refuses, is there someone in the organization you can report him to?
Anyway, I hate to see you let this guy manipulate you. You're doing the right thing by walking away. Don't let him play you into changing your mind.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
no contact means just that. Geez! absolutely no letters
he might pass them around to friends or send it to your
husband.
If Mr. 46 was about your recovery and well being
he would have already met your husband.
Ever wonder why a guy of 46 is messing a woman young
enough to be his daughter? And a married daughter at that?
Heck! it's an ego trip for him. Older women would noot
be taken in by his slimey ways......
Bet those earrings are as fake as he is.....they may be shiney
now....but over time....when the newness wears off....
.you will be left with tawdry goods......
I'm glad you are remaining sober ...connecting with your God.
God does not condone adultry...mental or physical.
he might pass them around to friends or send it to your
husband.
If Mr. 46 was about your recovery and well being
he would have already met your husband.
Ever wonder why a guy of 46 is messing a woman young
enough to be his daughter? And a married daughter at that?
Heck! it's an ego trip for him. Older women would noot
be taken in by his slimey ways......
Bet those earrings are as fake as he is.....they may be shiney
now....but over time....when the newness wears off....
.you will be left with tawdry goods......
I'm glad you are remaining sober ...connecting with your God.
God does not condone adultry...mental or physical.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 395
Originally Posted by Peta
SO what I need your advice on is HOW DO I END THIS CRAZINESS??
This remarkable good looking, spiritual fit, suave, smooth talking guy is probably single for a reason. He sounds like a womanizer, but if that is your cup of tea, then so be it. You sound like a moth who is flying into a bug zapper. Just be prepared for a lot of pain, including the pain that you will bring to your good husband
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 123
Thank you all for your wisdom, honesty and advice
I text him (because it had to be stopped somehow) and told him that I want to work on my marriage and this 'friendship' of ours is confusing and diverting my attention..
He sent one back saying "I understand ...peace" and has made no further contact with me..(normally he would text me a couple of times a day)
Part of me feels sick I let it go this far - guilt and sadness as I have been mentally unfaithful
Another part of me feels like I have dodged a bullet as it could have been a LOT worse.. I'm glad I was able to fend off his advances of beginning a relationship long enough to pray and ask God for help and come on here..
Thanks guys
I text him (because it had to be stopped somehow) and told him that I want to work on my marriage and this 'friendship' of ours is confusing and diverting my attention..
He sent one back saying "I understand ...peace" and has made no further contact with me..(normally he would text me a couple of times a day)
Part of me feels sick I let it go this far - guilt and sadness as I have been mentally unfaithful
Another part of me feels like I have dodged a bullet as it could have been a LOT worse.. I'm glad I was able to fend off his advances of beginning a relationship long enough to pray and ask God for help and come on here..
Thanks guys
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