Peta

Hi all

I'm on day 15 today (only the morning though)

I feel like i've grasped step 1 (working with sponsor) I realise now I kept relapsing because while I acknowledged I was powerless over alcohol (mental obsession) I hadnt yet got to the point where I accepted my life was unmanigable when I drank.

I got to that point two weeks ago after a family friend hung herself.. I went to the funeral and then proceeded to drink for the next 10 hours - waking up feeling like I wanted to die myself.

So got step one and now working on step two.

My husband doesnt accept I'm an alcoholic - he has a bit of a drinking problem himself.. I dont know if he's an alcoholic or not. He says he'll have 3 alcohol free days per week and never does.. and then on Wed night he got drunk at my work funciton..

He hasnt cut back at all to help support me in my sobriety - which I know I have to accept but I just dont enjoy being around him when he's drinking

WE are going to Bali next week and I know he'll drink every day on holiday..

Did anyone else feel when they got into AA that perhaps a future with their drinking wife/husband/partner wasnt what they wanted?

I also know I'm sick in the head and that perhaps this is my mind plotting to just get out of a relationship because it would be EASIER on my own..

Sponsor said dont get IN or OUT of relationships newly in AA..

I feel quite confused

Thanks for listening

julez

Peta, I don't think my husband truly believes that I have a drinking problem either. When I first decided to quit I promised myself that I wouldn't let anyones elses drinking affect me or tempt me. So far, I have kept to that promise. But I can say that there are times that I don't enjoy my husband when he is drinking either. I think in early sobriety it can be hard to think clearly about anything. I know I feel cranky, tired and unreasonable sometimes. Give it some time. Maybe if this keeps up, and your feelings about your relationship don't change, he can go to a meeting with you, or maybe even a counselor so he can find help understanding exactly what you are dealing with. Old habits are hard to break, and it may take a little time for him to accept that you cant be his drinking buddy anymore. In any event, I hope it works out for you. xox

Mark75

Of course you are confused!!!!!! I am sure he is too!

Congrats on your 15 days and sorry for your loss . I have a spouse who drinks... not a lot, but daily (one or two, always at the end of the day), not an alcoholic. And in the past, on Friday and Saturday nights, we were very good drinking buddies... problem was... I was always drinking, everyday, all the time... She does not think I am an alcoholic.

Let me just suggest that you take it easy and don't try to figure it all out right away... They say that when it comes to family... Easy Does It... You guys are learning a new dance... maybe you can stay partners, maybe not... But now is not the time to decide. This will be a one day at a time adventure. Maybe he can cut back and be a little discreet with the drinking, but maybe not... He may even try to undermine your efforts, who knows....

But you know what is right for you, have confidence and PEACE with that. A good first step will help you through these difficult days... as will the power that a good second and third can bring.

Try to have a good time in Bali... that's awesome, don't forget to be grateful even though you may fall into some self pity, what with you not being able to drink...

It gets better, I promise.

I am sober two years in a few days, married 26 in a week... no end in sight, thank God!

laurie6781

I have seen a lot of situations where the spouse or significant other of the newly sober person is VERY CONFUSED and BEFUDDLED about what is going on.

They are losing the person they thought they knew. They are losing their 'drinking buddy.' 'They are no longer the #1 priority in their partner's life.' etc And whether intentionally or subconsciously they may try and sabotage the alcoholic's attempts at sobrity.

What I have also noticed over these many years, is that if the Alcoholic sticks with it, the partner does start to realize that they need help also.

Right now, at this stage of your recovery, it is best to focus on YOU. This situation can also be an asset, as you become accustomed to being around a person who drinks daily and your 'craving/desire' leaves, you will start to be 'comfortable' and your mind and body will start to feel 'comfortable' and you will start to realize to the 'core of your being' that it is not necessary to have alcohol to have fun.

Keep working on those steps with your sponsor. When his drinking or come onto Sober Recovery and post. This is a LONG, sometimes HARD road, but the light at the end of the tunnel does get closer, and no IT'S NOT A TRAIN, rofl

Hope this helps a bit.

Love and hugs,

TheEnd

I too have a partner who drinks, we actually just got back from a session with my therapist. The therapist asked him to be supportive of me, and accept the fact that I won't want to go to certain places for a while. He said he would be supportive, but I just don't feel very supported with him downing 5-6 drinks every night. You think he might cut back a little, but if it starts to be a problem I will just start removing myself from the situation. I have to think about me for now and if that's his way of supporting me then so be it, I won't let that discourage me.

CarolD

My situation was a bit different......

I had a lover for 5 years but not living together.
No shared money ...property...bills or children to consider.
neither of us was interested in marriage

When I decided to join AA and begin recovery...Jim was all
for the idea. We were both admitted active alcoholics...
but he had no interest in quitting.

I had declared my apartment a no drinking zone he honored that.
He supported my AA commitments...met my new friends
llistened when I wanted to share about AA.

He always took a shower and brushed his teeth
when he came over after drinking.
We both thought we could stay involved....

Regardless of his efforts...I detested the stench of
his alcohol. ..he missed his "party hearty honey"

We simply no longer had anything to keep us connected.
We parted ...with fond memories...no regrets.

It's my experience that not all loves are forever....
I've been fortunate to have had 7 serious
relationships in my lifetime.
Only my 2 husbands left bitter feelings......

gofish1331

I tried for years to "limit" my drinking with my wife. I seemed to be able to walk away from it for a few days during the week, she would always lead up to a binge session and that would drive me away from it until the storm passed and I became convinced that I/we could control it again. It was never even an option to have alcohol in the house while we were abstaining, I don't know how anyone can do that!? But I do agree that now is not the the time to decide if you spend your future with your spouse, congrats on two weeks and keep up the good work.

fragrantrose

My story is similar to Carol's even the x2 husbands! My on and off alc partner is very hard to be around, now that I have managed 69 days..he still denies that I am an alcoholic despite my alc induced health issues!..he says oneday I will be able to handle it, which is SCARY for me as I dont want to go back down into the pit! I think he misses his sensual "drinking buddy" as when had the booze in me was much more available that way.

soberbythesea

I agree with the others that now isn't the time to make any major decisions. However IMO there are certain basic courtesies a supportive partner should provide to someone in recovery.

My husband acknowledges that I had problems surrounding my drinking, but he doesn't believe I was/am an alcoholic, which is OK with me as I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that label myself. I just know my life is better sober, and he seems to agree. In any event, he still drinks and keeps alcohol in the house, but he understands that I don't want to go to bars, and he very very rarely gets drunk around me these days. He'll have 1 or 2 a night and then stop. I asked him to be discreet about his drinking when we're at home together (i.e., not announce to me when he's going to get himself a beer) and he understood that request as well.

If your husband really does have a drinking problem and frequently drinks to get drunk, when you're around no less, then I would think that would be a real challenge for you in trying to stay sober. Have you tried addressing this with him? It's not an unreasonable request to ask him to cut down -- or even not to drink in front of you at all if that's what you feel you need. If he can't do that for you, then I would really question HIS relationship to alcohol as well.

Pagekeeper

To put it lightly ... YES!

I pretty much thought my marriage was over. My husband drank daily for the first 5 months of my sobriety. It was actually a blessing in disguise because I spent less time at home where the booze was and more time at meetings and going to coffee with AA members. Then my husband just stopped drinking. Once he saw that I was serious, he just put down the bottle, and it hasn't been an issue since.

Many of my problems straighten out on their own as long as I do the next right thing and stop trying to run the show.

Peta

I've had a couple of talks with husband

He still doesnt get it

In fact he LAUGHED at me last night - he thinks its amusing that I'm calling myself an alcoholic

He totally doesnt get the seriousness of the disease

But he says he's happy for me that i've made a decision if thats what I want

But he is still going to bring alcohol into the house

Which to be honest at this stage isnt a biggie - i have no desire for it

I've asked him to come to an open meeting with me and he's said he would

Thanks all for your experiences

The biggest thing I've learnt from you is that I need to focus on my own recovery, 1 day and step at a time and that if I do the right thing hopefully he'll get the idea and if he DOESNT well that decision is for another day when I have more sober days under my belt

God bless

julez

Peta, that sounds GREAT! Although he may not "get it" like I said, give it time, and give him the opportunity to hear from others how hard this truly is. I am also glad you HEARD the message that your recovery is about YOU! Great job, great first steps doing what you need to do for YOU!!