DrivingVacation

I can't do this. No matter what I do I keep failing. I'm starting to think that its just not meant for me. I've had extended periods of sobriety before and I know it's great but I always come back to this point where I just don't care what happens and I don't know how to conquer that feeling. I haven't been able to yet.

Sorry for whining.

Pagekeeper

Are you working a program of recovery, or trying it on your own?

For me, a program of recovery is essential. I can't do it by myself. No matter what I did, I kept getting drunk. I can relate to getting to that point where I just don't give a crap because I'm tired of fighting it, literally just exhausted and fed up. In AA, we call that feeling the "mental obsession." In my case, I had two options: keep drinking or accept spiritual help. I accepted spiritual help, and today I don't have to worry about conquering that nagging feeling because I don't have it anymore. It's just gone.

Mattcake

DV, I was close to giving up for a very long time.

I kept hearing "you have to want it", but that wasn't enough for me, and I couldn't figure out why not... until, eventually, I found a reason for wanting it - just one at first.

"Not wanting to die" didn't cut it, at least for me it had to be a positive reason: I want to live because...

Once I managed to fill in that blank, it was.. well, certainly not "easy", but at least I had something that drove me, and that killed all of the reasons/excuses I'd cook up to get plastered again - it gave my life some measure of meaning. And that small, humble reason didn't come until I'd been sober for a while.

I then had to learn to accept help, by reaching out, because I couldn't do it on my own.

Recovery has helped me finding new reasons, on a daily basis.

Take care, keep reaching out.

DrivingVacation

I've been doing it on my own and it was working up to a point. I went to an AA meeting on Saturday. Then Sunday and Monday came and it's back to where I was.

yeahgr8

Yes was close to giving up lots of times...finally i did give up and walked into an AA meeting,grabbed an old timer and asked him to tell me how he had done it and would he help me do the same...finally i had really accepted that i couldn't quit alone and that i was the very last person i should be listening to with regard to my future and had, what i thought at the time, nothing to lose except my life and that didn't bother me at all...

As long as my ego was still running the show, even from the sidelines, i was always just close to giving up...maybe its your time?

Supercrew

My problem was I never really wanted to quit. Sure I wanted to quit when I felt crappy afterwards, or after I embarrassed myself, or did something really stupid, but then those feelings would pass and I would grab a drink. My memory was very short term when it came to wanting to quit. I also always felt like I would be missing out if I didn't drink, missing out on hanging with my friends and doing things that for as long as I can remember were associated with drinking. I loved drinking, so for me to quit entirely I had to picture something when the urge occurred to make me feel more pain associated with drinking than pleasure.

I found it, and since I have quit 65 days ago it has gotten much easier to lose the urge that made me find drinking pleasurable. The last time I thought about picking up a drink was almost 30 days ago, and it passed quickly.

I think once you start looking at why you want to drink in the first place you can start attacking the problem there. One saying that I read on this board early on was, "There are no reasons to drink, only excuses". I don't know who posted it, but it has stuck with me. Once my mind grasped this thought it made it very clear to me that drinking is something that I had learned, and it was something that I could unlearn as well. Good luck!

Starburst

My AH also at the point of no return, he knows he cant do it on his own, but doesnt want to do AA, because he says he as to reveal all, and he has too many bad memories from his army days that cant be revealed. I have tried to tell him the bottle is not his solution. He tried sober for 8 years did great, relapsed for 3 years tried again for 2 weeks, but has no will power to be alive nor fight for himself or his family. I have no idea how to help him, he is just too stressed and too tired to care. I pray HP will intervene.

DayTrader

There's a difference between working the program of AA and going to meetings. I'm not calling you out but just pointing out that there's a difference. I knew I couldn't just quit.... I'd alllllllllllllllllllllways find a way back to the bottle.......always did, probably always will. I was 100% sure that would never change.

The guys in AA told me if I WOULD have a spiritual experience if I worked the steps to the best of my ability and that obsession to drink WOULD go away and stay away forever. They said "we don't just 'not drink' one day at a time here.... we recover from the obsession and live life one day at a time." On and on....I'm sure you've read it here before... but it's the truth. Work those steps to the best of your ability - no shortcuts, no skipping, no B.S. - and I'll guarantee you you'll have a spiritual experience, your whole outlook on life will change (for the better ) and you won't find it necessary to ever drink again. Tall promises..... I know..... but in the 71 years that AA Big Book has been around, "the promises" would would have taken them out if nobody was getting them.

Some alcoholics, recall, are in a position beyond all human aid. Nothing they can try to remember, think about, study, learn, etc.....will help. That stuff won't help if every once and a while when you have a blank spot....you just forget the reasons you stopped......and if that happens (the blank spot) you'll be without defense from that first drink. Those are the days when you look back at why you drank.......and you honestly don't know why. Many people haven't crossed the line to where they're really hopeless alcoholics and they can control when and how much they drink all the time. If you can't either, I highly suggest you look into AA, get a Big Book, and find a sponsor who's a real alcoholic and has found the solution to his/her drinking problem through a power greater than him/her.

You're in my prayers DV. This is a deadly game we're involved in. I pray you'll find your way in life.

Che

I've never been one to just hope things would stop. You have to actively do things to help yourself... This is where I feel higher power type believers sometimes betray themselves. If you believe a higher power just presents opportunity, and you have to take it, that's fine. If you believe a higher power will just do everything for you, well reality is going to come crashing in.

Lately I've also felt like giving up. I don't know if I would call it close. I don't really think there is a very measurable distance between drinking and not drinking. I haven't had a drink in over five and a half months, but this last week I have felt really down and alone so it seems like an option. Before that I was writing a book (which I finished) and I rarely felt uncomfortable regarding alcohol. I think I just need another thing to fill my time, because that is just what life is. Continuing to fill your time and accomplish new loftier and loftier goals. If you sit around and do nothing, of course you will want to do something stupid like drink.

I wish you good luck, sir. I don't think it is an ego problem like other users have suggested, I think it is an issue of boredom. AA might give you something to do, but anything productive will easily take its place.

Ghostly

Hey DV...you're not whining. I hope you find something to help you through this. There are a lot of suggestions in the posts above. Hang in there bro. I really hope you can find a way to embrace sobriety.

justbrian

I'm reminded that nothing changes if nothing changes. The choice is your's and your's alone. You can give up, go back to the old ways, or give up and try a program of recovery. I'm told, and I've seen that the old ways lead to jails, institutions, or death. That aint for me, so I'm gonna keep not drinking today. I HATED being sober, but I LOVE being in recovery. Today, putting a shotgun in my mouth is way more appealing than putting alcohol in it. After all, they both do the same thing, but the shotgun would be so much quicker!

Brian

RobbyRobot

Giving up is a common human trait or human characteristic shared amongst us all as people, and not an inherent personal issue somuch when coming to terms with our alcoholism and sober living. My acceptance of being powerless really helps me keep things in perspective. When I get all cozy with my ego and pretend that somehow i am the superman which never doubts, never wavers, never gives up, I open the gateway to failure and hopelessness. The very thing I am wanting - freedom and happiness - i will never receive if I can not bend like the proverbial reed in the horrible storm of my emotions when i feel like "giving up"

Being fresh, alert, and flexible in my options keep me from throwing in the towel when challenged by tough circumstances and difficult situations. I give up on being stubborn, selfish, arrogant, close-minded, useless bravodo, runaway fear mongering myself, resentments, anger, duplicity, the list goes on...

Absolutely I give up on going it alone. I give up on refusing help from others. I give up on unhappiness and uniqueness. I give up on constantly battling with myself on being drunk and dying or sober and living.

My giving up no longer presnts as a problem today. The choices I make today create all the differences in my experiences of giving up whatever. Giving up for me is now an ideal tool of sober living and not a disgrace or failure of me. Its not about me and how i "feel" about this or that anymore; its all about learning to accept the difference between things that that i can change, and things i can't, and knowing the difference -- we all know the motto of the Serenity Prayer.

We don't need to throw ourselves under the bus just because we have common human challenges and struggles. Non-alcoholic people also have these experiences themselves in their ordinary lives. It's not always about us and our alcoholism. We're only human too.

Robby

rws177

I have given up in the past but am in it for the long hall now. It is easy to just want to throw in the towel. Iv'e thought about it sometimes but then compare my life to what is now and how it used to be. I just know I don't want to go back to living/dying the way I used to. Your feelings are normal, you can do this.

Boleo

That is precisely how I felt just before I had my awakening experience. I struggled for years, yet continued to relapse like clockwork. Finally I was living on the streets and could think of no where else to go, no more rehabs to try, no more psychology/philosophy/theology to study.

It was when I said to no one in particular, "What the hell, I may as well get drunk, I have nothing left to lose". At that very instant, alcohol lost it's attraction to me and never came back to haunt me again.

I have now come to believe that what the Hindu's have been saying all along is true; "Spiritual growth is the result of struggle followed by surrender".
What happened to me was, I had finally surrendered all of my little plans, designs and expectations.

Dee74

DV

I thought I was weak willed, apathetic, and generally a waste of space.
My life was down the tubes.

Turns out that was the booze talking, even when I wasn't drinking - I never stopped long enough to stop the insanity....and the shame and frustration I felt would lead me neatly back to the bottle every time...

I know now I'm not any of the things I convinced myself I was.

If you really want a new life go for it DV - and go in, boots and all.

Do whatever's available to you to break the cycle, man.

Keep posting
D

Sudz No More

You know what really helps me anymore? My body just can't handle the abuse. I guess I'm getting old LOL. After a while, you get tired of feeling like crap all the time.

Yeah, getting a little booze on can help ease out of a stressful day but then the aftermath that alcohol lays waste to my body just isn't worth it anymore.

I have begun to like the feeling of being sober over being drunk and then hungover. Besides, do you really enjoy looking like the Lab Rat nibbling at your drug over and over?

GettingStronger2

DV --

Sorry I didn't see this earlier. you can do it, don't do it. go to another meeting, or contact someone who knows and with whom you can talk.

I hope you see this. I'm worried about you.

a

MaryAnn100

Hey DV,

Sorry to see you are struggling. You are an intelligent and witty guy. I'm not gonna tell ya that AA is the only way but can I suggest this to you....go to an AA meeting and get a copy of the Big Book.....read Bill's story, just that chapter. Read it over and over again. Read it like the research you read for work. It has a strong message that I'm sure you will get.

DV, please don't give up.

Take it easy,

Annette

GettingStronger2

dang, man, you can see there are a lot of us here who care, dv. MR's suggestion is a good one. I know you know where the meetings are. . .

Take care.

a

LexieCat

Nobody just walks into an AA meeting (or even a bunch) and gets better.

How badly do you want to quit? If you REALLY want it, then do what is suggested. What you've been doing isn't working.