Impurrfect

(((DV))) when I first got clean, I was NOT happy about it. I was just tired of the darned circumstances I was having to deal with.

I lurked on SR for over a year, didn't join until I was 6 months into recovery. I stayed clean for the better part of a year, before I relapsed, but I just couldn't do it any more (using and causing even worse consequences) and the relapse lasted less than 2 weeks.

I have been to AA meetings, in the past, don't go know, but still use a lot of what I learned there. I decided to give myself 6 months, and throw myself into recovery. I promised myself that if I didn't like it, well crack was always out there and I could go back to using.

I read here, all the time, and started actually listening to people. I made gratitude lists, and believe me, even THAT was hard at first. The first time I did it, I was angry and all I could come up with was "I'm grateful my bed and pillow are soft" because in jail, they are not.

I kept reading here, kept up with the gratitude lists, and though I am still dealing with some of the consequences, I just look at it as a challenge. I also started out, in the very beginning, when a using thought would come up, saying "not an option...next" with "next" being a clue to distract myself. I probably said it a million times a day, for a while, but it worked. Now, when the very rare thought comes up, of "I want to be numb", my mind automatically distracts me. I don't even have to think about it.

You CAN do this, and you are worth it. Alcohol and drugs affect us, so we don't feel like we're even worth the effort of getting off. We are....each and every one of us. We don't even know who we are, under the influence.

My life is far from being a "bed of roses", these days, but I've got almost 3-1/2 years clean, and I no longer think of myself as "worthless", like I used to.

Keep reading and posting, it really does help. If you need f2f support, there's a ton out there, you just have to reach out (and yeah, I do know that's not always so easy, but very worth it).

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

artsoul

You know, DV, to be honest, I don't know if I can stay sober either. But I DO know that I'll make it to the end of the day. Some days are harder than others and there have been a couple times when I felt close to picking up a drink. But that's when I had to fight the hardest and step it up a notch. I imagine that it will take at least a year before I can go through the day without thinking about alcohol. But that's OK - I'm can see the progress I've already made in 4 months.

Try to have plan for when you start entertaining the idea of drinking, before the cravings are extra strong. Look at it as a life/death issue, a serious disease which can not only take your life but ruin the lives of others as well.
It's worth getting through this - you're worth getting through this.

UniqueNewYork

I have been in and out of AA for the last 7 months..

Someday I want to be totally alcohol free.. but if that never happens.. i'll take meandering in and out of aa over the alternatives (death insanity institutionalization).

I think as alcoholics we always find the negative in things. We think irrational thoughts like "I've relapsed so many times maybe the world would be a better place without me". But thats just weakness.

You have to find the positive in things. For me, I take comfort knowing that I am strong for always coming back to AA. Maybe not as strong as the people with years of sobriety, but Im not that guy you see on his bicycle with a 6 pack rolling through the poor part of town. I can even accept that I have a drinking problem and will for the rest of my life. I accept that if I don't beat this thing I will have to spend a lot of time drunk and being stupid. I'm ok with that if thats all i get.

This life is a precious thing. But I'll tell you the world meets no one halfway. If you want something youve got to take it.

justjo

DV, please dont give up. I dont know you. My sister was one of those who died from alcoholism and I would like to think that her story could save you. I know she didnt want to die, (sometimes she said she did) but I also know she was alot like you. The drink, the fix, overtook her life, the booze talked to her and told her it would win.
Fight for your life, not because I want you too, but because you deserve so much more. Keep listening to all these wonderful people here as they have so much to give you and to help you. We will listen, ok.
JJ

GettingStronger2

How you doing DV?

julez

C'mon DV, you are an intelligent man. You CAN do this. If you stumble, get right back up. As long as you're trying, you are still doing better than if you were to give up completely. We're here for you..

DrivingVacation

I'm doing.

uncle holmes

I've found that left alone in my own head is like being in a bad neighborhood. I can't do it alone. And neither can most people out there.

I was also a chronic relapser at one time. Here is a basic checklist of the actions that I took that eventually got me sober.

1. I got an updated directory of AA meetings in my area.

2. I did a 90/90. Ninety meetings in ninety days. Yes, that meant an AA meeting everyday for ninety days. If I missed a meeting on a day I would go to two meetings the next day.

3. I got a sponsor and asked him to help me work through the steps.

4. I prayed to God every morning, being careful what I prayed for. I mainly just prayed to help me with my problems and to keep me sober.

5. I bought a Big Book.

6. I started with reading the preface all the way to pg 164. Just 2 pages a day. These are the directions on staying sober.

7. And finally, and it can be a tough one, I called at least one alcoholic up everyday in those 90 days and made sure I made contact with at least one. That meant that if someone had their voice mail or recorder on, I would try another phone number.

That also meant to get many phone numbers at AA meetings. I also found that the majority of times I was helping the person I called as much as they were helping me. I thought I was bugging people, but I wasn't. They need phone calls from people in the program too.

Yes, this was a painstaking process for me. But I had to get out of myself and ask for help on staying sober.

endzoner

DV .. you can acheive anything you set your mind to .. yes you aquired the name Stubb for a reason .. stop being that person and put that aside and try some of the things that have been suggested to you in chat as well as here in this forum .
Being stubburn wont get you any place other then back into the scene in which you desire to get out of , yes you have someone in the house who uses , many in this world also have the smae situation , but that hasnt stopped them from doing whats best for them selfs , its not in your control to make her do what you yourself cant do , so do this for you not for anyone else.
you can make friends in a meeting , and you can get out and not be lonly and bored , theres a million reasons to get out and try to do this , and only one reason not to .. thats cuz your dont want to .. make the better choice and do it cuz you to be clean and sober , and live a wonderful full life

DrivingVacation

Thank you everyone for the advice and support. Whatever it is that I've been doing isn't working and I really have nobody to blame but myself for taking a drink/using. My reasons/excuses for doing so are pretty insignificant compared to what others go through and don't use. I hate feeling sorry myself cause all that does is lead me down dark corridors in my mind where I can justify literally anything. I'm going to keep going to meetings, try and meet with an addiction counselor and find a hobby that doesn't involve booze or arguing with significant others.

Just a couple questions:
How long would I have to wait before getting a sponsor?

Do you ask or should people offer?

firestorm090

I'd ask for a sponsor at your next meeting. You can always change later, but you need that extra help in your corner right now, so just ask someone who shares about the kind of life you'd like to have.

GettingStronger2

Just ask someone. it doesn't matter, dv, just get started.

Let me tell you what happened with me. When I walked into my first meeting, I was so done drinking, it was pathetic. Alcohol had kicked my butt, and there was nothing left for me to do. I was going to either quit drinking or die. In the process, I would have lost my family -- my kids. I was no kind of mother to them any longer. God bless them, they still love me and I am not even sure how much they realize. Thank God I stopped before I went down too far with them.

Anyway, on the second day that I started going to meetings, I went to an evening woman's meeting (I know, doesn't fit you), because I was told at the morning meeting that it may be hard for me to find a sponsor at the other meeting. I went, I asked the person closeset to me who raised her hand to sponsor me.

We worked together a little bit. She got me started and focused on what I needed to do. However, we were not a great fit. I knew who I wanted to sponsor me, but i was afraid to ask. She didn't have the little mark by her name on the phone list!

Anyway, fast forward to about 60 days into going to meetings. my sponsor was out of town (in Ohio, no less), and I just went along my merry way. I could feel myself slipping, at least in my thinking. I was sober, I was attending meetings, but I hadn't been working any part of the program.

so one morning, I asked the woman I wanted as my sponsor if she knew of anyone who would be a good fit for me. She asked "What about me?" I was so grateful.

The past month has been the best so far. Today I hit 90 days. Nancy (my sponsor) told her story at the meeting, just for me. It was an incrdebily emotional morning for me.

I have been praying for you, DV. I care about you, man.

Keep reaching out, okay? I know you want this. I can hear it in your words.

Peace.

chanel1125

I'm so happy you are reaching out for help. You are an incredible person and I think you know that. I 100% believe you can do this and you CAN stay sober. You have SO much support for everyone on here (including myself :P ). Keep working at it! Believe in yourself and never lose sight of what you want your life to be because it can be gone in a flash.

I care about you a great deal and I know how badly you want this. Find a hobby, stick to it, go to meetings, do whatever you have to and soon you will be sober again!

Take good care of yourself, you and your body deserve it.

x

smilieface

DV, life is full of ups and downs. That's just life. Sometimes they're too overwhelming and we can't do it by ourselves. You're taking a big step by finding a sponsor and I'm definitely proud.

Finding a hobby is a good idea as well, for me it's horses and horse riding. I also like building models Hobbies are a life saver sometimes, literally in my case. You can do it! You're a strong, stubborn individual and I know you can do it!

MaryAnn100

Hey DV,

Great to see you out of that slump. And some of your questions and the replies you got helped me. So there ya go!!!!

Take it easy,

Annette

LexieCat

DV,

Good for you. I second what aehmnm said, just ask someone who seems to be someone you can talk to. You want someone who has worked the Steps, himself, with a sponsor. And as was pointed out, you can always change if it turns out not to be a great "fit".

I've seen people at meetings share that they are struggling and need a sponsor. Such a statement might bring an offer to sponsor you. Otherwise, it's usual that the person needing a sponsor does the asking.

This could be a real turning point for you--you are in my thoughts and prayers, too.

artsoul

I agree with the others - just ask someone and tell them that you need a temporary sponsor for now. That way, you're always free to ask someone else.

I'm a rather negative person, too (I tend to notice what's wrong before I notice what's right). One thing that has helped me during really rough times is to stop and make myself think of all the things I have to be grateful for: a roof over my head, enough to eat, family and friends, healthy children, a car to drive, I'm not in pain, I can walk, talk and see, I had a hangover free morning, etc. etc...... It also helps to take note of all the good qualities you have. When you find yourself getting down, fearful, or anxious, just tell yourself "I'm not going to go there. I choose to be my own best friend."

It takes work, but the more we practice the positive side of things, the more we're creating new thoughts and ideas that can actually change our lives.

Hang in there!