joey8262

i was sober for a while and then moved house-the stress ive had since ive been here is unbelievable-nothing has gone right-but it's where i want to be-the last few weeks have been a rollercoaster-i relapsed and then kicked it again-and now i've done the same thing again-only this time it's bad-i opened my 1st can at approx 9 a.m-i feel sick when i think what i'm doing to myself-i've had enough of drinking but cant stop myself-it's taken hold in a way i never knew possible-i'm a complete mess without a drink and seem to sink into a depression-the only way out is to have a swift can or 2-normally leading to another 6 or 8-sounds crazy i know but i cant stop it-its like ive gone from nice and clean and sober to alcohol obsessed-that may sound extreme but that's how i feel-like a junkie that needs their next fix, i've contacted my g.p and he wants to refer me to a clinic-but the waiting list in uk is in the manner of months-not when it's needed-i feel like am in a corner and the only way out is through the bottom of another can-sorry if i'm boring anyone but i need to get it out of my system-aint been on in a while and last time i was here i found loads of help and support-it's 10.40 a.m here and am on my 4th drink-i know this needs to stop but i cant do it on my own-my family have basically told me to get on with it-they're sick of seeing me drunk-got nowhere to turn to-lost once again.

Dee74

I don't know anything about the NHS.

Have you tried AA Joey?
It's available as soon as you can get yourself to a meeting

Get some numbers and look for a sponsor.
D

Sasha4

[QUOTE=joey8262;2695518]i i've contacted my g.p and he wants to refer me to a clinic-but the waiting list in uk is in the manner of months-not when it's needed-

Do you know this for sure?
How do you know this?

AA can help you now. Why not find out when a meeting is on?

xx

joey8262

because i asked him to refer me when i first realised it was becoming an issue again-i'll have a look and see if there are any meetings near me-something needs to be done and fast.

Sasha4

I have not had much experience with AA - but the experiences I have had have been good, really valuable.

Can you ring AA and speak to someone for advice?
You can search on the internet for the number.

Why don't you go do that now and come back and tell us how you got on?

xx

joey8262

ive looked online and found a couple of online meetings-i'm not very confident around groups etc-thats where my crutch (drink) comes in handy-i can face people then, but it usually involves them turning away because they realise i either stink of drink or am drunk-i know where it all went wrong-i was accused of something, wrongly, and was proven to be completely 100% innocent-BUT i had 11 months of answering police bail before everything was resolved-in that time my drinking spiralled out of control as i couldn't see a future for myself-i was looking at going to jail for 5-8 years for something that never took place-i regularly attended and answered my bail-each time i went i would be so nervous i would end up throwing up all over the place-i'm naturally nervous-i've never been confident-but that 11 months was the most unbearable hell-i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy-but i had to go through it-and the drink helped me blank out everything that was going on-it started the downhill slope-and pushed me to the point where i didn't want to carry on-only for my child i would have finished things-permanently-but i have him to look after sorry for the rant but i'm sitting thinking my brains out where it's all gone so wrong.

Sasha4

Perhaps you need to try and let go of the past - I know its hard I struggle all the time - and you need to think about the future.

You might never know where it all went wrong concerning the drinking.

If you believe that alcoholism is a disease then it was always going to happen.
But if you stopped tomorrow you will always know that it went right from the first of September 2010.

I struggle with social situations and I think lots of people at AA do too.

However all the meetings I went to, 99% of the people were really really friendly. No-one was nasty, no-one made me nervous, no-one expected me to speak. THEY ALL UNDERSTAND. I promise you that.

Do you work during the day?

Is it possible that your aim for the day might be to go to a meeting rather than reaching for a drink?

xx

joey8262

i so badly want to be the person i used to be-i'm desperate to get back there-but the experiences i've had have made me of the mind that i trust NOBODY-in my eyes everybody has a motive-not on here-but in general everyday life-its like am paranoid-ive tried letting go of it-i'm seeing a shrink and am on meds because all of that happened-i can't shake it whatever i do and it's got me to the point where i'm sitting now typing this crying-i want to scream and it's scary-i feel like i'm going insane-it's not me over-reacting, i'm like this most days-the anger built up inside me is unbearable-i had a friend who i used to confide in and talk to but he was killed in a car accident-i think that's got something to do with it as well-i had the chance to stop him going out in the car and i never-i can't get it out of my system and it's destroying my life, and me-the only way to get through any of it is with a drink-ive already been told i've got mental health issues, hence the psychiatrist-it's catch 22 whichever way i look at it.meds or alcohol-one's as bad as the other imo

Dee74

Joey

If even an real life AA meeting seems too much, perhaps the best thing you can do is go back to your GP and impress upon them the seriousness of your situation both in alcoholism and mental health terms. If your current doctor is not treating your situation with the attention you think it deserves, try another doctor.

D

LexieCat

Joey,

People at AA don't care if you stink, if you are scared, if you are paranoid, if you are insane. That's how most of us were when we were drinking.

If you call your local AA office, someone will come out to talk with you one-on-one, and help you take the first steps toward freedom.

AA has worked miracles for people far worse off than you. The people you talk to will absolutely understand where you're coming from.

Please. You can start to step away from hell right now. Pick up the phone.

joey8262

one word-petrified-once i start to open the can of worms that's rattling around in my head i don't know where it will end-if it will.

justbrian

You say you've had enough drinking, and that may be true. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like you've had enough pain. I too had had enough of the insanity of drinking, but there was still a small part inside of me (that I wasn't aware of) that hadn't had enough pain. For me, when the pain became great enough, the willingness to COMPLETELY surrender to a power greater than myself came and I knew what I had to do. Each one of us has a different bottom, and each one of us has a chance to "get off the elevator to hell" whenever we want. For me, I had to ride that thing all the way down before I could start the long, slow climb back up...using the steps in my case.

I have to be honest here and say it sounds like your using the move and stress associated with it as an excuse to drink. You also said "it's where I want to be." You may be where YOU want, but is it where you SHOULD be? Since giving up my life to a power greater than myself, I no longer have the right to what I want. When I go for what I want, I'm taking back control from HP and things can and will usually go to $hit really fast. Besides, what HP wants for me is always better, and always right, so why should I screw it up?

I know the feeling about the long waits for treatment. I work as a counselor at a rehab here and we're scheduling for the first of February, 2011. If they know you want it bad enough, and show them by calling every day, I'm sure they would find a bed for you. They want to see a true and honest desire from someone before investing the time and $$$. I know it sounds bad, but that's just the way things work. AA can and will help you right now, no matter what. If your afraid of the withdraws, talk to a doc or go to the hospital. Alcohol withdraws can and will kill you if bad enough.

It's time to be honest with yourself and decide if you are really done drinking. I know the misery that goes along with your situation, but it can and will get better if you put the plug back in the jug. The first step is to not take that first drink.

Brian

joey8262

thanks brian,

i am at the point now where enough is enough-i decided this afternoon that i need to stop-i'm now on my 5th coffee, having poured what drink i had down the sink-i have money sitting in front of me on the coffee table-next to my coffee, it would be a 5 minute journey to go and get more-i've left it next to my coffee so every time i look at the money i see the coffee-and its hard knowing i CAN'T just pick up and go and get more-i've sorted some dvds out for later to watch in bed-i know it's going to be a rough night-but no rougher than i feel of a morning having downed 14-16 cans of beer the day before-thats how bad the problem has got-i'm going for 8 beers in the morning and normally back getting more before teatime-and that is a HARD thing to come clean about-i had to look in the mirror and admit to myself today exactly how bad this has become-at that point i looked myself in the eye, went STRAIGHT into the kitchen, got the bag (12*500ml budweiser) out, and emptied the lot-i feel really emotional when i think about it and could kill for a drink right now, but i think i've done the right thing-as you say about pain-i think it's more a case of pushing the limits further and further each time and hoping you still wake up the next morning.

Joey.

P.S if the dvds don't do the trick then prepare for a long night people !!!

justbrian

That's great Joey. Hang in there, and keep it simple. I still have some days where the only thing I accomplish is staying sober, but that's exactly enough. Take it easy on yourself, and do it just for today!

Brian

joey8262

i know i can do it but it's hard living on my own, well, with my son-when he settles of a night is the worst time-the boredom creeps in and thats a lot of the problem-as i say i've got no drink here now and have got no intention of going for more-it's 8pm in the uk and am normally well and truly drunk by now-tonight is going to be the big test i think-i can't wait for 10.30, which is what time the off-licence closes-then i know as much as i'm tempted i can't do anything about it-i'm just watching the clock and waiting for that time-i know if i can get to that time i'm pretty much going to be ok for the night-i've spoke to my shrink today and she's suggested cbt (cognitive behaviour therapy) but i don't know what it entails-i've got to go and see her on monday and see what other ideas she can come up with-i'm rambling a bit i know but my brain right now is starting to tick and i'm trying to keep my mind busy-i feel physically sick at the thought of not having a drink tonight-it's like when nerves kick in and my stomach starts turning-i know i've got to go through this but it's still daunting for me.

Sasha4

My hopes for you

1. I hope you are tucked up cosy in bed and are drifting off to sleep.

2. I hope your son is fast asleep and wont wake until the morning.

3. I hope you are feeling better within yourself.

4. I hope you are feeling proud that you chucked all your booze away and drank coffee for the afternoon.

xx

LexieCat

I've heard a lot of good things about CBT. It helps you turn off some of the negative self-defeating voices that we use to talk to ourselves.

I know a lot of people who use therapy and AA to help themselves.

Don't be afraid to call for medical help if the withdrawal gets too bad.

artsoul

Joey - we're behind you all the way. It's scary realizing what we're doing to ourselves and it's also scary thinking about getting sober. Remember that you'll have extra anxiety/depression initially,but every moment you don't pick up that drink is another moment you're not feeding the addiction and another moment of giving your body a chance to heal. Like justbrian said, even if you accomplish nothing else, stay sober for the day and you will be a winner.

I hope you keep posting and reading. You can get your life back and you deserve to.

soberscot

I can really relate to the clock watching, I'm glad I'm not the only one who has done things like that. Thanks for sharing.

yeahgr8

CBT works for the general life stuff
AA works for recovering from alcoholism

AA also works for the general life stuff
CBT doesn't work for recovering from alcoholism

Put the two together and you get the fast track method to sanity and a brand new life:-)