sunrise1

Knock on wood... it seems as if someone's turned the burner off under the pot of boiling water that was my husband. Another REALLY bad weekend with him swearing he is leaving and it's 100% my fault we're in debt so deep. I am happy to accept MORE of the blame, but many items we charged were bought together. I don't hide the bills, so it's not as if he couldn't walk into my office and have a snapshot of our financial situation in 10 minutes or less.



The cost this time was my entire psyche. I really believed he was done, gone, outta here... during gigs he'd make up lyrics pointed at me (crowd didn't know), cut eyes at me... hiss at me about mistakes I made... all the while I smiled through it and attempted to give the best show under the circumstances. My voice started cracking during one song and I had to play a solo instead of finish the verse. He told me not to be a ***** and if I couldn't hack it get out.



That's just the tip of the iceberg... I'm aware it's all emotional abuse- - thank the Lord above we both obtained meds appointments for tomorrow. Especially him... and when he's sane, he knows this. I know many of you wonder why I stay with him; it's that he's my soul mate and I can't imagine life without him. The good times are really good, and we have potential and opportunities if we just reach for them.



No wonder I drank, and no wonder I am still on meds now. I think an addition to my stress is that I'm really lacking a "way out" or a stress relief when things get awful like this. Drinking took care of that in pretty short order, but as we all know, it doesn't solve a single thing. I'll hang on to my 105 days and just hang in there....

CarolD

Prayers continue for both of you....

jmf7dd

hmmmm..... not sure where I want to go with this post... So many things flooding my mind at once. First Great job on the days you have! That's awesome. Second, I'm curious what your program or routine is that 'keeps' you sober everyday. And 3rd... If it's not working some of the time then it's broken (at least in my life and with my experience) it has been. Although very hard to realize sometimes. I did however grow up with two parents ( who it's beyond my knowledge how) stayed married through bitter bitter times. Physical, emotional, substance... name the abuse they own it. No stretch of the imagination needed. One is a dry alcoholic and has been for the last 23 years, the other is a practicing alcoholic. Both were hooked on cocaine, now just over 2 years ago they got clean with the threat of never seeing their grandchildren again... (not my kids, I have none)... I laid in bed praying my mom would leave my dad... so she wouldn't get hurt again or my sibling and I wouldn't get hurt again. After getting sober I realized, it's not my life anymore that he controls. I can only lend my hand of support and she must walk her own path, the same with him. Serenity of the situation for me... Maybe love can save somethings... but at the cost of what? What are you giving up in return ? Are you depriving yourself from a potential to do and be so much more? Just some words to chew on if nothing else. Good luck. and here's to another 24!!!!!!!!!!!!

justbrian

Interesting. I learned long ago that alcohol was my soul mate. I won't deny that there were many good times. I also wouldn't be honest if I didn't add that there were more bad than good, and the bad were really bad. I remember thinking there was no way I could live life without my soul mate. In no time flat, my soul mate landed me in hell. My soul mate didn't give a **** about me...it wanted what IT wanted. It kept me blind to the insanity of thinking that the good time out weighed the bad. The best thing I did was give it up. I had to get rid of the best friend I had, but never wanted. It hurt. It was HARD. The best thing I ever did for me was to get rid of my "one and only" There would never have been any healing or recovery without ditching my soul mate.

But your mileage may vary...

Brian

lildawg

As for the debt itself, there's nothing that can't be worked out with time and perseverance. I did a lot of things while I was drunk, and running up debt was one of them.

The real problem, though, seems to be between you and your husband. Nobody on this message board can tell you what to do with that situation. Take good care of yourself in terms of this relationship. It sure sounds like it would be hard to take, and you have my deepest sympathy.

Getting sober is hard work. It magnifies any of life's sideshows by about 1000% percent. I can't speak for you, but it took my brain a long time to get right after I got sober. I had a difficult time understanding what to do in high pressure situations. Sometimes writing everything down helped, since I had no one to talk to. Meditating might help you to get a little clarity. Also, if you can find some face-to-face support, that could help your feelings, too.

I am really impressed that you've been able to hang onto your sobriety in the midst of all this stress. As I've said, I've been there with the debt (among other things). It's on up there in terms of stress triggers. You're doing great, and I sure hope you stick to it.

The thing I'd say to keep in mind (if you want to drink) is that drinking will only make it worse. (((hugs)))