aswego

I have a mental hurdle I'd like to overcome. One of the things that bothers me about sobriety is how to handle meeting new people. For example, say you start a new job and meet someone there. Eventually, after work, they say, "hey, you wanna grab a drink?" Of course this scenario isn't limited to new co-workers. It pops up anytime someone you're around throws out the "let's get a drink" card.

I think by denying the request you could potentially squash a lot nascent relationships. But here's the thing: I have no problem going to a bar with someone and not drinking alcohol. Hell, I'd enjoy it. I'm perfectly able to have others drink around me - that's not my trigger. But my fear is that it would look really strange to agree to go get a drink, then once we arrive I order a soda lol. It feels deceptive to me, and as a former drinker, if someone did that to me, it would totally kill the vibe.

I definitely don't want to say "no, I don't drink." That just seems lame to me, because unless they're also alcoholics, the request to get a drink is merely the request to be social with one another, not get lit.

The only thing I can think to do is say "I don't drink, but I'll join you."

Any advice from the trenches?

LexieCat

Supposedly they are asking because they want to hang out with you. I think hanging out in bars is a bad idea in early recovery, but if you have a good reason for going (e.g., meeting a client or a customer, going to a colleague's promotion party), I would simply go and order your soda or iced tea or whatever. Why should anyone care what you are drinking?

ninja7

I go to party and often drink soda or coca-cola. It does not matter at all, as long as you does not matter.

aswego

Bars aren't a problem for me, so that's not the concern. Just to remove that issue, let's say it doesn't have to be at a bar. It could be anywhere. "Come back to my place and we'll have a drink." Pretend I DO want to go back to their place, but I don't intend on drinking.

Maybe it's my alcoholic mind, but when someone says "you wanna get a drink," I immediately think that they want to drink alcohol with me. They want the camaraderie of slipping into the warmth and ease of a nice buzz with me. If I don't drink, they're robbed of that and the whole interaction becomes stiff and contrived.

I feel like if there's a cool way to let them know upfront that I don't drink but I still want to "get that drink" with them, then I'll be alright.

LexieCat

I guess I don't get the distinction--if your drinking is that important to them, then what are they supposed to do once you say, "I don't drink but I'd like to join you"? "Never mind, forget it"? LOL, seems like that would only increase the awkwardness, not dispell it.

I think I'm more comfortable with the idea of presuming that what I drink is absolutely irrelevant to anything, and if they are upset about it, it's their problem.

aswego

Good point. I guess I'm just letting them know. I'm trying to put myself in their position. It would make more sense to me if someone told me that upfront rather than heading to the bar and they get a Jaeger bomb and I order an Iced Tea.

LexieCat

Look at it this way, too. If you make the "announcement" that you aren't drinking, then they might feel that they can't. You be responsible for what you order, let them be responsible for what they order. Nobody apologizes to anybody, everyone has what he wants to drink, everyone's happy.

Now, shall we debate who picks up the tab?

aswego

That'll depend if I like them or not.

qs4thinking

"It's their problem" huh? I have no idea how strong of a person you are, I'd just like to throw this out --

Hi. You've never met me, drunk, apparently. Not even drunk really, maybe after 3 drinks or so.

My "mission" is to make sure everyone I expect to be drinking is drinking. Saying "no thank you" is a punch in the face to me. Saying "What I drink is irrelevant" is a challenge to me. I will ridicule you. I will belittle you. I will insist you get a drink. I will get your friends to turn against you, if possible, to have a drink. I will get the bartender, if possible, to turn against you. I will buy you a drink and insist you drink it, and if you refuse I will be very loud about how you are a "*****." If you are hanging out with me at the bar, I will literally do everything possible to get you to drink.

I assume I'm not alone, but interestingly I've never met someone like me the very few times I've been to a bar and not drinking. Remember this - there are people like me that will do literally everything to sabotage your drinking. When I'm 6 deep and I see you aren't drinking, do you honestly think I give a **** if you've had 8 DUIs and another drink will lead to a divorce and breakup of your family? No, for whatever reason, I just want you to have a drink. I have no idea the logic or reasoning behind that.

So yeah, I'd avoid bars at all costs to avoid people like me.

julez

Wow, thanks for your honesty qs4!!

shadesofgray

Pretend you have some health issue that prevents you from having some types of drinks - for example, if you claim celiac disease you have a very good excuse to stay away from beer and any wheat-based alcoholic drink. It's not as problematic as saying "I am an alcoholic", people don't get offended, they don't really want to put your health at risk by pressuring you. Of course this might not always work because for example there's some wine producers who certify their production as gluten-free but then again you can just go "Oh look I don't really like wine, I'm more of a beer man but unfortunately I can only drink the gluten-free one and it tastes horrid". In a casual context it should work.

Pinkcuda

Whenever someone invites me to go have a drink with them I usually respond with something like "I'll have to make it a Shirley Temple" because I can't drink. Most people say "Fine"
If they respond as GS4 stated (which some do) they themselves have a problem. They are the people that can't understand or are unwilling to understand that life without alcohol is possible and enjoyable.
I've found that the only people that have ever tried to get me to drink in the past are the people that really need to quit drinking themselves.
Hence the saying, "Misery loves Company". All in all, most people are very supportive.

mercurial me

These day when people ask me out for a drink or ask why I'm not drinking at a party,etc I tell them I can't drink due to the fact that I'm on a medication that I can't drink while I'm taking it.

I know that is a lie, but I'm not comfortable enough yet to come right out and admit to the world I'm an alcoholic as I don't need that label around family, friends, and co-workers.

There are about a billion prescription drugs that don't recommend taking alcohol while your on them. That is my stock answer to people. It even works for friends who offer me a drink knowing I've always loved to indulge.

BP44

There aren't many people in my life today that think me drinking would be a good idea. However, life as it is, always presents opportunity for folks who don't know me to offer me a drink. Over the years I've had answers that work pretty well. " BP44, would you care for a drink?" 1) " No thanks, you don't have enough".....2) " Do you want me sleeping with your wife?" 3) "No thanks, I don't do well with booze". 4) " Sorry, I have an allergy to alcohol it makes me break out in a rash for MORE NOW" 5) " You want to offer me a drink? You must not care much about your home and belongings." My point is I have fun with this. In all seriousness, about the only time I'm asked or offered a drink is in a restaurant and I have told the server on more than one occasion that they don't have enough. Some get a glazed look over their eyes, but most know exactly what I'm saying. Here's my last tip...in a nice restaurant if you leave the wine glass turned upside down, you won't have to say a word, most servers know and will remove it. The only place I've ever found people not get a hint is on cruises and resorts. I once had a guy on a beach being all pushy from the Tiki Bar. He left me alone after I asked him if he and the resort staff had good life and health insurance. Sometimes NO has to be blunt.

lildawg

I'll tell you what my experience has been in situations where I've been offered a drink.

Firstly, it never ends at "I'll just have water." People keep on offering me different alcoholic beverages until I tell them I don't want any alcohol. After that, they have flat out asked me why I don't drink. I'm not sure why they think it's an appropriate question or even any of their business, but it really puts me on the spot.

The first few times people flat out asked my why I didn't drink, which is, I guess, what you're trying to avoid, I was completely unprepared. I blurted out that I am an alcoholic and can't drink normally. That led to discomfort on both ends. Now, I'm not sure how I'd handle it. There are people who have actual physical allergies to alcohol. There are actual medications that it's not wise to drink while using.

My dad took medication for his rheumatoid arthritis that didn't allow him to drink. I had a friend who was on some brand of anti-anxiety medication that did not allow her to drink. You could also claim an allergy to alcohol. I had another friend who got severe rosacea from wine (her beverage of preference) and had to quit drinking because of it. She wasn't an alcoholic, so it wasn't that big of a deal for her to quit. One time, I met a woman who refused the alcohol being passed around by saying she just didn't enjoy alcohol.

I think any of these responses would be good ones. I'd advise you to keep it as close to the truth as possible so you won't get caught in a weird lie--especially if you want to form some kind of lasting friendship.

Bottom line: I have been there, and done that. You may not have a thing in the world to worry about, but I'd have a response prepared in case it did.

Meerkat1

A good one I heard to avoid the alchoholic " label " was to say that you didn't have a drink problem but in the past when you did take a drink just found it difficult to find where to draw the line so had deicided to abstain completely. Get's straight to the point and if the person in question doesn't want to socialise with you because you prefer not to drink alcohol then they probabaly weren't worth bothering with in the first place.

sailorjohn

Simply, "I don't drink". Anyone that gets put off by that simple statement has a problem themselves, IMO.

And the reason why you don't drink is absolutely none of their business either.

If they press you, you can state that in fact, 40% of the population of the US are classified as 'non-drinkers', and that you are one of those 40%.

Sugah

"I don't drink, but can I buy you a cup of coffee?" and suggest a diner. I wouldn't be going to a bar early in sobriety for anyone -- no new colleague in a new job, nobody.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

aswego

You guys are bringing up a different discussion related to whether you should tell someone you're an alcoholic or not, and if not, how to disguise your abstinence under the guise of medication or some socially benign disease that precludes you from drinking.

If someone asks about my drinking I just say that I only like drinking to get drunk. One or two drinks just makes me feel anxious. And I decided I'm over getting drunk, so I basically don't drink anymore.

Now you don't look weird, and they aren't going to push a drink on you saying "c'mon, just one or two." You've already told them that a couple drinks just makes you feel like crap, so if you're not going to get drunk, you're not going to drink.

In essence, this is being entirely honest, but it also avoids having to put the label ALCOHOLIC on yourself in front of a bunch of strangers.

PS: for those with knowledge of human physiology, just say "I'm like an action potential, all or nothing."

Live

some people just get a sprite with juice in it and a cherry on top.
tastes good too!