Wanna get a drink?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: SoCal CA
Posts: 1,319
Originally Posted by qs4thinking 
"It's their problem" huh? I have no idea how strong of a person you are, I'd just like to throw this out --
Hi. You've never met me, drunk, apparently. Not even drunk really, maybe after 3 drinks or so.
My "mission" is to make sure everyone I expect to be drinking is drinking. Saying "no thank you" is a punch in the face to me. Saying "What I drink is irrelevant" is a challenge to me. I will ridicule you. I will belittle you. I will insist you get a drink. I will get your friends to turn against you, if possible, to have a drink. I will get the bartender, if possible, to turn against you. I will buy you a drink and insist you drink it, and if you refuse I will be very loud about how you are a "*****." If you are hanging out with me at the bar, I will literally do everything possible to get you to drink.
I assume I'm not alone, but interestingly I've never met someone like me the very few times I've been to a bar and not drinking. Remember this - there are people like me that will do literally everything to sabotage your drinking. When I'm 6 deep and I see you aren't drinking, do you honestly think I give a **** if you've had 8 DUIs and another drink will lead to a divorce and breakup of your family? No, for whatever reason, I just want you to have a drink. I have no idea the logic or reasoning behind that.
So yeah, I'd avoid bars at all costs to avoid people like me.
Hi. You've never met me, drunk, apparently. Not even drunk really, maybe after 3 drinks or so.
My "mission" is to make sure everyone I expect to be drinking is drinking. Saying "no thank you" is a punch in the face to me. Saying "What I drink is irrelevant" is a challenge to me. I will ridicule you. I will belittle you. I will insist you get a drink. I will get your friends to turn against you, if possible, to have a drink. I will get the bartender, if possible, to turn against you. I will buy you a drink and insist you drink it, and if you refuse I will be very loud about how you are a "*****." If you are hanging out with me at the bar, I will literally do everything possible to get you to drink.
I assume I'm not alone, but interestingly I've never met someone like me the very few times I've been to a bar and not drinking. Remember this - there are people like me that will do literally everything to sabotage your drinking. When I'm 6 deep and I see you aren't drinking, do you honestly think I give a **** if you've had 8 DUIs and another drink will lead to a divorce and breakup of your family? No, for whatever reason, I just want you to have a drink. I have no idea the logic or reasoning behind that.
So yeah, I'd avoid bars at all costs to avoid people like me.
I don't hang out with my brother in drinking situations anymore!
I did go to a football coaches meeting/beer drinking get together last night, and I brought my diet coke, and after the initial , (I don't drink anymore....why? saw the doctor and he said.....), there was no issue, and after everyone had a beer or 2 noone even noticed me anymore.
The great thing was, I remembered all of my conversations, I didn't lose track of my thoughts, I didn't argue or take over any conversation, and I listened alot more. To top it off I wasn't the last guy there, and I woke up feeling great today.
As far as the initial question, if someone says lets go get a drink, I say sure, I will drive because I don't do alcohol anymore. If they say, "nevermind", then it's cool with me.
lillyknitting
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Loughton, Essex, England
Posts: 638
Why don't you just say "Oh thanks but I don't drink". I've worked with loads of people who don't drink and when it is say Christmas time and everyone is asking about going down the pub one of my colleagues just laughed and said "why would I want to go to a pub, I dont drink". I actually thought that was so totally cool and it put the whole subject firmly in its place.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Bethlehem, PA
Posts: 84
It is a tricky question of wanting the person asking to feel comfortable and to accept the invitation without being misleading. I think that everyone has the right to say whatever they like about being an alcoholic, but that won't necessarily have the effect of putting the other person at ease, which is part of your goal.
You could say, "Oh great! Thank you for asking, I would like to go. However I limit my intake to diet coke (i.e.,) these days." Big smile.
Answer, "Oh, really?"
If you are older than the person asking you say, "Yes, as I get older I find I just can't take the hard stuff any longer."
If you are younger than the person asking you say, "I really never learned to handle my liquor so I just steer clear."
Follow that up with, "_________ bar is right around the corner. Shall we go there?" Or, "I know the ____________ bar you mentioned. Shall we meet there or go together?"
You may temporarily disappoint the person who is looking for a drinking partner, but as you say the intent of the invitation most likely was not to go out and get drunk. Keep it light and casual. Go, have fun, we all know you don't need to drink to be the life of the party.
If someone like qs4 is there, well, the egg is on his face and you just leave.
You could say, "Oh great! Thank you for asking, I would like to go. However I limit my intake to diet coke (i.e.,) these days." Big smile.
Answer, "Oh, really?"
If you are older than the person asking you say, "Yes, as I get older I find I just can't take the hard stuff any longer."
If you are younger than the person asking you say, "I really never learned to handle my liquor so I just steer clear."
Follow that up with, "_________ bar is right around the corner. Shall we go there?" Or, "I know the ____________ bar you mentioned. Shall we meet there or go together?"
You may temporarily disappoint the person who is looking for a drinking partner, but as you say the intent of the invitation most likely was not to go out and get drunk. Keep it light and casual. Go, have fun, we all know you don't need to drink to be the life of the party.
If someone like qs4 is there, well, the egg is on his face and you just leave.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by lillyknitting
Why don't you just say "Oh thanks but I don't drink". I've worked with loads of people who don't drink and when it is say Christmas time and everyone is asking about going down the pub one of my colleagues just laughed and said "why would I want to go to a pub, I dont drink". I actually thought that was so totally cool and it put the whole subject firmly in its place.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 63
The definition of the word "drink" is not alcohol. Someone asks you out for a "drink" agree to it but throw out, where and when? say you know a good coffee shop or something. If they say a bar and you're comfortable with it just order your soda. u dont need to explain yourself.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 60
I can't even imagine wanting to be around anyone who bases their opinion of me on weather or not I'll join them at a bar after work. But then again, I choose to not be around alcohol, because there's nothing so important that I would consider taking a chance. Bars don't bother me either, but you won't catch me going into one. I'm not gambling MY life to please others feelings. I'm an alcoholic. My disease is cunning, baffling, and POWERFUL...more powerful than me and my feeble ability to make choices. My disease is going to wait until it knows it has a chance, and hit me hard in my blind spot. There's no point in adding "blind spots" to all the other stuff I deal with. Odds are that I'm not gonna hit that one chamber that has the bullet in it. If I don't pick up the gun there's a 100% chance that I'm NOT gonna make a mess on the wall by spreading my brains all over them.
But that's just me...
Brian
But that's just me...
Brian
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 89
I agree chanel...why can't I just say yes...go and order my beverage of choice without having to issue a disclaimer first???? I just did so the other night...ordered a Diet Coke and no one said a word! It was my FIRST time being the only one at the table without an alcoholic beverage in ages!!!!!!!!
Groovy Dancer
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: The States
Posts: 4,751
Interesting topic.
Before alcohol was a problem for me I hardly drank...like 3-4 times a year. So even before I officially didn't drink I would go out with people for a drink and I would have a soda.
Since alcohol has been a problem I have been out with people who were drinking and I had a soda or water. I haven't really had anyone ask if I wanted to go out for a drink, but think if I did I would be comfortable saying I don't drink alcohol but would go out anyway. Or would just go and not have alcohol.
Personally I would feel awkward going out for a drink with someone, then they order alcohol and I order something non-alcoholic, and I don't say anything to them about it. That's just me. I would want to tell them I don't drink. Otherwise other situations like social gatherings I just don't drink alcohol and don't announce anything.
Since I have stopped drinking I have told people I don't drink. Most people don't ask, but some do ask why. I told one person that there was a time when I drank too much, and now I find it better not to drink at all.
Before I quit I had been at places with people like qs4 when I wasn't drinking. Never got me to drink. Even if there was a drink sitting in front of me, just wouldn't drink it. Haven't been in that situation since I quit but not worried about it. Our sobriety is up to us, no one else is responsible.
So...I don't know if there is a right answer. Bottom line is if someone asks you out for a drink, and you don't drink, some people may be offended. There may not be a way to please them without drinking. Most people are not like that though.
Before alcohol was a problem for me I hardly drank...like 3-4 times a year. So even before I officially didn't drink I would go out with people for a drink and I would have a soda.
Since alcohol has been a problem I have been out with people who were drinking and I had a soda or water. I haven't really had anyone ask if I wanted to go out for a drink, but think if I did I would be comfortable saying I don't drink alcohol but would go out anyway. Or would just go and not have alcohol.
Personally I would feel awkward going out for a drink with someone, then they order alcohol and I order something non-alcoholic, and I don't say anything to them about it. That's just me. I would want to tell them I don't drink. Otherwise other situations like social gatherings I just don't drink alcohol and don't announce anything.
Since I have stopped drinking I have told people I don't drink. Most people don't ask, but some do ask why. I told one person that there was a time when I drank too much, and now I find it better not to drink at all.
Before I quit I had been at places with people like qs4 when I wasn't drinking. Never got me to drink. Even if there was a drink sitting in front of me, just wouldn't drink it. Haven't been in that situation since I quit but not worried about it. Our sobriety is up to us, no one else is responsible.
So...I don't know if there is a right answer. Bottom line is if someone asks you out for a drink, and you don't drink, some people may be offended. There may not be a way to please them without drinking. Most people are not like that though.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,525
This is an interesting question. 37 days into sobriety, I honestly have not even thought about how I'm going to handle this. I have been avoiding bars and other drinking situations. I've had meals in restaurants where others were drinking but that's about it. I have yet to be asked why I'm not drinking, and the only one who knows why in my "real life" (i.e., besides all of you) is my husband.
Personally if it were me, I'd decline the offer of a "drink" politely and go home, and maybe ask the colleague to grab lunch or something later that week if I really was interested in developing a friendship. Once I got to know them better, then presumably I'd feel more comfortable explaining that I don't drink, or they'd figure it out on their own. But that's me. I am still not at a point in my sobriety where I'm comfortable going to bars.
If I were going to go to the bar, however, I'd just order my non-alcoholic drink once I got there and not say anything. If my drinking companion asked I'd say I don't drink and leave it at that. Any further questions at that point are rude IMO and I would deal with them accordingly.
Personally if it were me, I'd decline the offer of a "drink" politely and go home, and maybe ask the colleague to grab lunch or something later that week if I really was interested in developing a friendship. Once I got to know them better, then presumably I'd feel more comfortable explaining that I don't drink, or they'd figure it out on their own. But that's me. I am still not at a point in my sobriety where I'm comfortable going to bars.
If I were going to go to the bar, however, I'd just order my non-alcoholic drink once I got there and not say anything. If my drinking companion asked I'd say I don't drink and leave it at that. Any further questions at that point are rude IMO and I would deal with them accordingly.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by Ghostly
Interesting topic.
Before alcohol was a problem for me I hardly drank...like 3-4 times a year. So even before I officially didn't drink I would go out with people for a drink and I would have a soda.
Since alcohol has been a problem I have been out with people who were drinking and I had a soda or water. I haven't really had anyone ask if I wanted to go out for a drink, but think if I did I would be comfortable saying I don't drink alcohol but would go out anyway. Or would just go and not have alcohol.
Personally I would feel awkward going out for a drink with someone, then they order alcohol and I order something non-alcoholic, and I don't say anything to them about it. That's just me. I would want to tell them I don't drink. Otherwise other situations like social gatherings I just don't drink alcohol and don't announce anything.
Since I have stopped drinking I have told people I don't drink. Most people don't ask, but some do ask why. I told one person that there was a time when I drank too much, and now I find it better not to drink at all.
Before I quit I had been at places with people like qs4 when I wasn't drinking. Never got me to drink. Even if there was a drink sitting in front of me, just wouldn't drink it. Haven't been in that situation since I quit but not worried about it. Our sobriety is up to us, no one else is responsible.
So...I don't know if there is a right answer. Bottom line is if someone asks you out for a drink, and you don't drink, some people may be offended. There may not be a way to please them without drinking. Most people are not like that though.
Before alcohol was a problem for me I hardly drank...like 3-4 times a year. So even before I officially didn't drink I would go out with people for a drink and I would have a soda.
Since alcohol has been a problem I have been out with people who were drinking and I had a soda or water. I haven't really had anyone ask if I wanted to go out for a drink, but think if I did I would be comfortable saying I don't drink alcohol but would go out anyway. Or would just go and not have alcohol.
Personally I would feel awkward going out for a drink with someone, then they order alcohol and I order something non-alcoholic, and I don't say anything to them about it. That's just me. I would want to tell them I don't drink. Otherwise other situations like social gatherings I just don't drink alcohol and don't announce anything.
Since I have stopped drinking I have told people I don't drink. Most people don't ask, but some do ask why. I told one person that there was a time when I drank too much, and now I find it better not to drink at all.
Before I quit I had been at places with people like qs4 when I wasn't drinking. Never got me to drink. Even if there was a drink sitting in front of me, just wouldn't drink it. Haven't been in that situation since I quit but not worried about it. Our sobriety is up to us, no one else is responsible.
So...I don't know if there is a right answer. Bottom line is if someone asks you out for a drink, and you don't drink, some people may be offended. There may not be a way to please them without drinking. Most people are not like that though.
Originally Posted by soberbythesea
This is an interesting question. 37 days into sobriety, I honestly have not even thought about how I'm going to handle this. I have been avoiding bars and other drinking situations. I've had meals in restaurants where others were drinking but that's about it. I have yet to be asked why I'm not drinking, and the only one who knows why in my "real life" (i.e., besides all of you) is my husband.
Personally if it were me, I'd decline the offer of a "drink" politely and go home, and maybe ask the colleague to grab lunch or something later that week if I really was interested in developing a friendship. Once I got to know them better, then presumably I'd feel more comfortable explaining that I don't drink, or they'd figure it out on their own. But that's me. I am still not at a point in my sobriety where I'm comfortable going to bars.
If I were going to go to the bar, however, I'd just order my non-alcoholic drink once I got there and not say anything. If my drinking companion asked I'd say I don't drink and leave it at that. Any further questions at that point are rude IMO and I would deal with them accordingly.
Personally if it were me, I'd decline the offer of a "drink" politely and go home, and maybe ask the colleague to grab lunch or something later that week if I really was interested in developing a friendship. Once I got to know them better, then presumably I'd feel more comfortable explaining that I don't drink, or they'd figure it out on their own. But that's me. I am still not at a point in my sobriety where I'm comfortable going to bars.
If I were going to go to the bar, however, I'd just order my non-alcoholic drink once I got there and not say anything. If my drinking companion asked I'd say I don't drink and leave it at that. Any further questions at that point are rude IMO and I would deal with them accordingly.
I guess my goal is to pretend I'm a sober James Bond next time someone asks me for a drink.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Good thread, because I've had this situation too. Alot of people suggest "let's go somewhere and have a drink." Some of those people I've had drinks with in the past, some I've had A LOT of drinks with in the past, and others I've never socialized with.
If I feel like I can get even a little bit personal with that individual, I'll tell them "I used to really enjoy a drink, but found myself getting dependent on it." I leave that up to their interpretation: it could mean that I was an alcoholic, but it could also mean that I was having two glasses of wine every night to help me relax and decided I didn't want it to become a habit. That way, they're not thinking that I'm looking down on them for having a social drink.
If I feel like I can get even a little bit personal with that individual, I'll tell them "I used to really enjoy a drink, but found myself getting dependent on it." I leave that up to their interpretation: it could mean that I was an alcoholic, but it could also mean that I was having two glasses of wine every night to help me relax and decided I didn't want it to become a habit. That way, they're not thinking that I'm looking down on them for having a social drink.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: SoCal CA
Posts: 1,319
On a side note, my wife doesn't drink, and never has, (she said she doesn't like the dizzy feeling and being not in control), and she goes out with the girls regularly, and I have never heard her come home and say, " I ordered a water and everyone gave me crap about it". My problem normally doesn't lie with someone that is a new acquaintence, its normally telling people I have known and drank with in the past that I don't do it anymore.
Someone who is new, I feel like I could just not drink and not even worry about it. It's the others who knew I drank, because with them I am asked the question "why no more?"
Someone who is new, I feel like I could just not drink and not even worry about it. It's the others who knew I drank, because with them I am asked the question "why no more?"
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