Miserable sober and drunk
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2
Miserable sober and drunk
I am 20 days sober after relapsing for a week and a half at which point I had 80+ days. I am doing outpatient rehab, go to AA ever night, found a sponsor, just started working the steps, and also have met a lot of good people who are sober from AA since I joined in March (I am a frequent relapser). I also eat pretty healthy, exercise a lot and do not have any other conditions besides alcoholism and asthma.
Here is my problem- I have been happy in sobriety before (longest time was 100+ days but I tend to be clean for 30-60 and then relapse for a week to two weeks) but now I'm not so happy. I feel like I am miserable when I am drinking, and pretty bored and unhappy when I'm not. So where do I go from here? Will it get better once I get farther in the steps? I am unemployed now (laid off, not due to drinking) so I have a lot of time on my hands, all of which seems to be consumed with sobriety related activities (3 hours of group in the am, 1 hr online at night with online quit drinking sites, 1 meeting a night, talk to my sponsor everyday, read AA literature everyday, pray twice a day). Starting school half-time next week which will help, but what do you do if you can't be happy sober or drunk?
Here is my problem- I have been happy in sobriety before (longest time was 100+ days but I tend to be clean for 30-60 and then relapse for a week to two weeks) but now I'm not so happy. I feel like I am miserable when I am drinking, and pretty bored and unhappy when I'm not. So where do I go from here? Will it get better once I get farther in the steps? I am unemployed now (laid off, not due to drinking) so I have a lot of time on my hands, all of which seems to be consumed with sobriety related activities (3 hours of group in the am, 1 hr online at night with online quit drinking sites, 1 meeting a night, talk to my sponsor everyday, read AA literature everyday, pray twice a day). Starting school half-time next week which will help, but what do you do if you can't be happy sober or drunk?
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to our recovery community.....
When I began doing my AA Steps....I felt a mental shift
from often shakey sobriety into solid recovery.
I also quit returning to alcohol at that point.
I certainly hope that will be true for you too.....
Beginning school might be good....give you something new
to work towards...I think that is an excellent idea.
Glad you joined us.....
When I began doing my AA Steps....I felt a mental shift
from often shakey sobriety into solid recovery.
I also quit returning to alcohol at that point.
I certainly hope that will be true for you too.....
Beginning school might be good....give you something new
to work towards...I think that is an excellent idea.
Glad you joined us.....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
Well, skittles, I can only speak from my own experience. It took me awhile to flip the switch from "why not" to "why"....in other words, I resented not being able to drink socially...but one day I realized that I really liked being sober! Part of that transition, I think, was time and part was really getting involved with the people in AA and doing the Steps. As my self-esteem grew and I felt a part of the recovery community, the more awful and isolated my drinking self seemed. There is a point (diff. for everyone, I'm sure), where you cease running "away from" and start to run "towards".
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I have a feeling, from the way you wrote your post, that you are just kinda WAITING for another relapse. You referred to yourself as a "frequent relapser". Actually, you're still working toward getting solid recovery.
You can't simply go by how you "feel". Your feelings are all screwed up at this point, and they don't really straighten out until you've been sober for a decent period of time. You are doing the right things. Try to be patient. Settle down and work on your recovery, and work on your schoolwork. Learning how to be sober is kind of like school--it takes effort and repetition. You don't get better all at once.
You can make it this time.
You can't simply go by how you "feel". Your feelings are all screwed up at this point, and they don't really straighten out until you've been sober for a decent period of time. You are doing the right things. Try to be patient. Settle down and work on your recovery, and work on your schoolwork. Learning how to be sober is kind of like school--it takes effort and repetition. You don't get better all at once.
You can make it this time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Welcome to SR! I know there is a lot of great advice here and I hope you find what you need to be well.
Just a thought but can you remember activities that made you happy in your previous sober times? Maybe doing that may help.
I have found the work I am doing on meditation and recognizing the ego as separate from me has been a big help in my personal well being.
Just a thought but can you remember activities that made you happy in your previous sober times? Maybe doing that may help.
I have found the work I am doing on meditation and recognizing the ego as separate from me has been a big help in my personal well being.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi skittles - Do you know why you seem to be miserable in sobriety? Is it boredom, wanting to escape, stress.....? You may want to see someone (a psychiatrist or addiction specialist) who can help you figure it out - you may even have an underlying depression (which I have). I sure hope you find some contentment soon. Maybe school will help. Sobriety isn't quite as "exciting" as drinking sometimes, (maybe that's the wrong word, because it's exciting sometimes in a negative way), but for me it's brought some peace and calm to my life, among a lot of other positives.
I found that I had to make myself think of things to be grateful for when I felt like that, so maybe that would help, too.
Prayers, hugs, coming your way......:ghug3
I found that I had to make myself think of things to be grateful for when I felt like that, so maybe that would help, too.
Prayers, hugs, coming your way......:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Bethlehem, PA
Posts: 84
If you are miserable when you are sober and miserable when you are drunk, then why not stay sober? It's much less hassle, less worry, you might actually get things done, and you won't have to go back to day one! Honestly, your misery is only going to get worse if you drink.
I learned this saying when I was in junior high and I hated hearing it the first time. But, I've found over the years it is true. "If you're bor-ed you're probably bor-ing." To me it just means that you need to get out there and do what interests you. Boredom is not an excuse to drink and you are never less boring when you drink.
Skittles, I really am trying to encourage you.
I learned this saying when I was in junior high and I hated hearing it the first time. But, I've found over the years it is true. "If you're bor-ed you're probably bor-ing." To me it just means that you need to get out there and do what interests you. Boredom is not an excuse to drink and you are never less boring when you drink.
Skittles, I really am trying to encourage you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,366
Hi Skittles 
I was pretty much unhappy drinking and not drinking until I started to work on the underlying factors behind my drinking - what I call 'the void' within me that I tried to fill with booze.
Getting sober is one thing - feeling happy and complete being sober is another level.
If you're using the steps to get there, I encourage you to keep working at it
Welcome to SR
D
I was pretty much unhappy drinking and not drinking until I started to work on the underlying factors behind my drinking - what I call 'the void' within me that I tried to fill with booze.
Getting sober is one thing - feeling happy and complete being sober is another level.
If you're using the steps to get there, I encourage you to keep working at it
Welcome to SR
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
Will it get better once I get farther in the steps?
i identify with your post greatly.
life with a drink become unbearable.........life without a drink become unbearable.
where you at with step work........
How you getting on with the book...
the steps are precise instruction to recover from alcoholism.
imagine that.......recovered.
maybe trip over to 12 step support?..........feel free to pm me if i can be of any help with that........names shaun....alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
I could have written your post skittles!
When I look back I think my frustration came from lack of patience. I didn't want to wait for the changes to occur in sobriety: I wanted it all, yesterday!
But, as a therapist pointed out: I spent a long time drinking. It made gradual changes in my life, over a period of many years. The good changes are sometimes gradual, too. I had to learning to wait and have some patience.
I also had to look at my expectations of sobriety: I wanted 24/7 happiness, instantly.
We do have bad moments in sobriety. But, everything passes, the moods, the depression does loosen it's grip and you can get back on track with your day.
When I look back I think my frustration came from lack of patience. I didn't want to wait for the changes to occur in sobriety: I wanted it all, yesterday!
But, as a therapist pointed out: I spent a long time drinking. It made gradual changes in my life, over a period of many years. The good changes are sometimes gradual, too. I had to learning to wait and have some patience.
I also had to look at my expectations of sobriety: I wanted 24/7 happiness, instantly.
We do have bad moments in sobriety. But, everything passes, the moods, the depression does loosen it's grip and you can get back on track with your day.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 105
Thanks for sharing. Your post does sound like me. I have had many ups and downs in sobriety. A couple of weeks ago I was at the point of throwing it all away. Am I waiting for a relapse after 8 months..sometimes. When I let those demons in my head I get closer and closer to a drink. What gets me out of it...talking to my sponsor, more meetings, opening my heart to someone new in a room, praying, talking to my shink and talking to my friends in AA. Anything to just get out of it. We have all been through it...it is hard, but don't let the demons get you! God Bless...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2
Thanks everyone! The last few days have been a little better, mainly because I have been really busy, plus I live with people who drink a lot and sometimes its too hard (at least in early sobriety, working on moving out).
I just started step 3, so I am still early in the steps, I go to out patient rehab in the am and meetings every night and meet with my sponsor twice a week too, I think that sometimes constantly talking about alcohol for me makes it worse. I will be much better off when I'm done with outpatient as I love AA and find that helps me the most.
I just started step 3, so I am still early in the steps, I go to out patient rehab in the am and meetings every night and meet with my sponsor twice a week too, I think that sometimes constantly talking about alcohol for me makes it worse. I will be much better off when I'm done with outpatient as I love AA and find that helps me the most.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 395
The steps should help you. They will help you grow and they will help you delve into why you are not happy. However, if you were happy before when you were sober, but not now, then you should take the time to explore why.
Have you asked yourself the simple questions. Why I am not happy? What can I do about?
I'll share with you a favorite proverb of mine:
Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times ~ Anonymous.
Explore why you are not happy, think about what will make you happy, and then start to make the changes. Remember, it may require some effort. Additionally, this is also what a sponsor is for. Talk to yours about your situation.
Bests,
Have you asked yourself the simple questions. Why I am not happy? What can I do about?
I'll share with you a favorite proverb of mine:
Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times ~ Anonymous.
Explore why you are not happy, think about what will make you happy, and then start to make the changes. Remember, it may require some effort. Additionally, this is also what a sponsor is for. Talk to yours about your situation.
Bests,
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
So glad to hear things are going better for you! Staying busy really helps me too, plus keeping the stress level manageable.
All the best as you start on Step 3. Sounds like you're doing the right things!
All the best as you start on Step 3. Sounds like you're doing the right things!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Yep been there it sucks!
Concentrate on your AA that you already like and can see is helping you...work through the steps as quickly as you can and to the best of your ability...
The rest is really quite irelevant at this stage...if it makes you feel better to go for a walk do that, read a book...whatever...but just concentrate on getting through the steps in AA with your sponsor...it really will change your life:-)
Concentrate on your AA that you already like and can see is helping you...work through the steps as quickly as you can and to the best of your ability...
The rest is really quite irelevant at this stage...if it makes you feel better to go for a walk do that, read a book...whatever...but just concentrate on getting through the steps in AA with your sponsor...it really will change your life:-)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: U.K.
Posts: 65
I was pretty ill back in 2007 with alcohol related liver issues. At that point I'd say I could really relate to what you're saying right now. Although probably more so about being miserable not drinking. When I did drink I was really happy, but annoyed after I'd done so.
Since then I've had periods of sobriety in which I was happy to a degree but in the main annoyed and depressed that I couldn't drink. Everyone else could, why couldn't I!!!??? It was made worse by those around me, those closest thought that telling me at every opportunity I couldn't drink would hammer home the point. It did the opposite! it made me annoyed, especially if they said these things with a drink in their hands........ I think the worst points for me was a certain individual who at every opportunity asked repeatedly if I minded them having a drink. It drove me nuts!!
In the end I relapsed, I deluded myself into thinking I didn't have a problem. This pattern has continued right through until just over a week ago. The summer was horrendous, I'd look forward to having nothing to do the following day so I could stay up all night and get truly smashed. I believe one of the reasons I started to feel unhappy both sober and drunk was that I'd tasted sobriety and the gifts it brings, so when drunk I was annoyed I'd lapsed and wanted to be sober and well. However when sober I had lots of negativity around and wanted to fit in and be 'normal'
I think what's changed for me and why I feel happier this time around is that I weighed up the options to continue drinking and to stop. The positives far outweighed the negatives, being able to get up and enjoy the day, not worry about possibly driving drunk if I got desperate enough for alcohol, my liver not being inflamed and sick etc etc. My life is now also much less complicated relationship wise and I know my friends will just accept I don't drink without questions, false sympathy and the likes.
Will I get the blues not drinking? Who knows, but I'll try and remember why I want to be sober and why I can't drink if I want to live. I really hope you can find a way to lift your depression and also the strength to carry on sober and dodge the relapses.
Since then I've had periods of sobriety in which I was happy to a degree but in the main annoyed and depressed that I couldn't drink. Everyone else could, why couldn't I!!!??? It was made worse by those around me, those closest thought that telling me at every opportunity I couldn't drink would hammer home the point. It did the opposite! it made me annoyed, especially if they said these things with a drink in their hands........ I think the worst points for me was a certain individual who at every opportunity asked repeatedly if I minded them having a drink. It drove me nuts!!
In the end I relapsed, I deluded myself into thinking I didn't have a problem. This pattern has continued right through until just over a week ago. The summer was horrendous, I'd look forward to having nothing to do the following day so I could stay up all night and get truly smashed. I believe one of the reasons I started to feel unhappy both sober and drunk was that I'd tasted sobriety and the gifts it brings, so when drunk I was annoyed I'd lapsed and wanted to be sober and well. However when sober I had lots of negativity around and wanted to fit in and be 'normal'
I think what's changed for me and why I feel happier this time around is that I weighed up the options to continue drinking and to stop. The positives far outweighed the negatives, being able to get up and enjoy the day, not worry about possibly driving drunk if I got desperate enough for alcohol, my liver not being inflamed and sick etc etc. My life is now also much less complicated relationship wise and I know my friends will just accept I don't drink without questions, false sympathy and the likes.
Will I get the blues not drinking? Who knows, but I'll try and remember why I want to be sober and why I can't drink if I want to live. I really hope you can find a way to lift your depression and also the strength to carry on sober and dodge the relapses.
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