wren

Decided I should come back here. I guess it's been a week or two.

The first relapse I had (after 3 months dry) led to several more incidents of drinking. There were about 3 of them, but they never lasted more than two days at a time.

The good news is that I'm now on day 9 of being sober again.
I've been becoming more serious about going to AA meetings. I went to one last night and one last week. People tell me I should go everyday, and I don't doubt it. (re-occurring theme)

There were some "triggers" before I went back out (heartbreak, death in the family, etc). But -- as ashamed as I am to admit it -- I feel like I consciously chose to drink at least two of the times.
On one occasion, I was with some other people, having a good sober time, and then I felt like I was going to turn into a werewolf if I didn't get out of there fast and get to the store before it was too late to buy beer. It was a very odd feeling -- it was like I went back in time to when I was a faithful drinker.

I've been in some deep depression the past several days. But I don't want to drink over it. I don't think I could even score any temporarily relief from the bottle. Just have to wait this one out and try to make healthy decisions.

Anyway, thanks for reading, anyone.

-wren

Dee74

Hi Wren

I remember from my 20 year history I had a few times when I got it together, things were great...but I wanted that feeling of being young and carefree and wild ...it was my inner maniac talking cos I can't think of anything less freeing than being addicted.

It's our default position. I have to believe if I stop doing the work that keeps me sober, I could go back there anytime.

It used to scare me until I realised it's always down to me: if I stop doing the work that keeps me sober, I could go back there anytime.

I encourage you to go back to the meetings, as often as you feel you need them, and find yourself a sponsor.

Do what was working, wren

D

CarolD

I'm really glad you are off to a fresh start.....

Are you considering seeing your doctor about your depression?
My depression was diagnosed as alcohol caused situational depression
but I know many people need more than sobriety for their condition.

...I'd guess over half my AA home group are on various meds
for depression/anxiety and or panic disorders.
It need not effect your sober time either.

All my best ....

RobertHugh

Hey Wren.

Welcome back. It's a brutal struggle, I know.

I thought every instance of me getting drunk again was a failure. I eventually realized that the only thing I was failing at was giving up.

I am not wired to concede anything, to anyone. But alcohol had me licked. Sure, it allowed me sober time to think I had it under control, but when I picked it up again, it made up for lost time.

With the help of AA, I stopped focusing on "not drinking" and focused instead on recovering.

They are not the same thing, I came to learn.

wren

Thanks for asking. Yes, I've seen doctors (the head kind). I've been taking an antidepressant for a long time (long before I began drinking). It really does help me function and stay alive (at least I think it does?).

I've expressed interest in going off of it, but my doctor tells me that I should have more sober time before making such a drastic change. I think that's a reasonable plan.

wren

I'm trying to get that in my head. I really am.