wduhelpme

Hi All

I am new here and I am a recovering alcoholic. I relapsed just three days ago only to have the "traditional blackout". If only I could see myself, it would help keep me sober. The humiliation of learning what I did from loved ones or neighbors is painful. I often become agoraphobic after these episodes that sometimes last several weeks. I have not learned how to forgive myself... I constantly live in shame. I await the moment that everybody abandons me.

I was hoping that some of you could share stories of your "blackout" experiences...it would help me understand my "thinking problem" and not feel so isolated. I need help realizing that others suffer just like me. There is almost nothing worse than living in shame.

So, please share with me and others....Thanks a bunch

Supercrew

I'd like to share mine with you, but I don't remember any of them. The last one I had I woke up naked on a bathroom floor in a house in the middle of the desert alone. Once I realized where I was and found my clothes I called my wife and drove home (2 hours away) drunk.

I am kind of glad I don't have any recollection of anything else!

sleepie

I got domestic and did laundry, dishes and shopping. I was surprised to awaken to a clean apartment. But once I biked over to an ex's house. That was shameful.

Murray4x5

I hated those first couple hours after waking up, trying to read my wife's face, body language, and trying to read between the lines of everything she said, to see if I had done or said anything the night before that hurt her feelings. I don't miss that empty, cold, bottomless pitt feeling of impending regret at all!!!!!!!!!!!!

Murray

Mark75

Yea, Murray, I know that feeling!

totfit

Sorry, can't remember it.

sunrise1

Only brief recollections of my one and only... wandering through the hotel looking for my husband... finding him, not being able to barely walk back to the suite, crying by the toilet while husband grudgingly kept me from choking on my own vomit. He helped, but was yelling at me at the same time, so it just made the whole thing that much worse. He's told me some of the things I said during that time, but I mostly am not ready to hear any more than I already know.

Ugly, ugly, ugly. My husband considered divorcing me that night. I would not have blamed him. Thank God that sanity was restored to me not long after that night. I'm not on my steps 4-9 yet- - but can't even imagine how I will be able to make amends to him.

totfit

Honestly, I have too many to tell. I was a blackout drinker. Probably one of the worst was after being dry for four months I was working in downtown Nashville, TN and just decided to have a drink. I remember going to a couple of bars and then waking up in the hospital with my face bashed in the next day. I have zero recall of what happened and only remember what seems like a couple of hours after beginning to drink. Oh and I guess my very first black out was as a Junior in High School, went to the Homecoming dance with a college Freshman after playing football. Drank on an empty stomach and remember only parts of the dance. Woke up at home the next morning ran it and said I am late for work and my mother said, "Gregg you wrecked the car last night." I wrecked somewhere, drove the rest of the way home and don't remember a thing. I was told I was in the car in the driveway when my cousin came to the house and saw me and I got out of the car not realizing anything happened. I don't remember that either. I have unfortunately dozens of stories. I didn't learn easily.

lildawg

I really don't remember stuff I did.

I woke up one night unable to breathe and found my nose full of blood. Also, the bridge of my nose was all skinned up. Both of my eyes were blacked, so it must have been broken.

I remember saying, "Stop it, stop it," while some man I didn't know groped me.

I . . . just don't know. Sorry.

legaleagle

I was a blackout drinker and woke up countless times in hotels and strange places, usually naked. My worst blackout I obviously don't remember but the next morning (which was a Friday) I woke up and got in the shower like normal to go to work but feeling super hungover and felt my face swollen. I got out of the shower and looked in the mirror to find my face all bruised up on one side and my two front teeth knocked out. I started screaming and a friend (who I didn't know was sleeping on my couch) came and told me that I fell on my face the night before.

Dee74

Hi wduhelpme

Welcome to SR.

Even if I remembered them, I don't know that details would help that much, would they? - all you need to know is we've all been there, and we understand

I used to feel shame too - it used to drive me back to drink. Then I broke the cycle - no more drink, no more blackouts, no more shame....and I learned to draw a line under my old life and eventually move on and forgive myself.



There is a surefire way to ensure you never have to deal with the shame guilt and uncertainty again.

Stopping drinking is the first thing.

Have you got a recovery plan?
D

pongo

I usually made it home, thankfully, but I loathed and feared hearing stories from friends of what had transpired the night before. I could always tell it was something bad when my fingernails were filthy in the morning. I never washed the makeup off my face or brushed my hair before hitting the sack so I would look like hell in the morning.

Once I failed to put my parent's car into "park" and it ended up in the across-the-street neighbor's house in the morning.

I would frequently wet the bed.

I made an ass of myself at several work events and didn't recall everything that happened.

I once tried to leave my abusive, also heavy drinking boyfriend in a hotel in Chicago while he chased me around the hallways stark nekked. We made up in the morning after both of us passed out. Later in another hotel room I locked him out using the door chain and wouldn't wake up no matter how much he pounded on the door or telephoned.

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community.....

I thought every drinker had blackouts....so when mine began
I did not take them as anything particularly shameful.

I was a blackout bar drinker for years.
I would take the matchbooks from places so the
next morning....I'd know where I had been.
Then calling back to make sure I had paid my bill.

I tended to pick up strangers in bars.
Therefore...I woke in rooms with weird men.
It''s a wonder I was not a victim of violance
or killed.....

The oddest thing....as soon as I quit drinking
the blackouts stopped immediately....

I do so hope you will again quit drinking ..that is the
very best way to get over blackout episodes.

Pagekeeper

wduhelpme:

Unfortunately, if you're an alcoholic like I'm an alcoholic, blackout stories won't do you much good.

All that shame and degradation you feel--I know it. I've been there.

When I took a drink, I developed a strange compulsion that made it impossible for me to stop. It was like an itch I couldn't scratch. After 3-5 drinks at dinner with my husband, I'd DEMAND he stop at the liquor store on the way home. He would say, "Why can't you just STOP?" I didn't have an answer for him. All I knew was that if he didn't turn into the liquor store, I was hopping out of the car at the next light and walking to get my bottle. After I put alcohol into my system, not having access to more was VERY uncomfortable. Blackouts were common because I couldn't stop once I started. Frequent blackouts are a sign of alcoholism for this very reason.

Like you, I also had a "thinking problem." Sometimes it was like amnesia. I'd just forget how bad the last blackout was and drink again. I'd tell myself it wasn't that bad, even though it was always humiliating, and I'd wake up in terror and filled with shame. Other times I'd convince myself it wouldn't happen again if I drank something different, like beer or wine or gin (because I hated gin). Or I'd just pick up a drink without any thought at all and after it went down I'd smack myself on the forehead and say, "What the hell are you doing?" But by then it was too late. That strange compulsion for more kicked in.

These are just a few examples of many, many times where my thinking was totally irrational ... even insane. My thinking always led me to a drink, no matter who I promised or whose soul I swore on.

So, you have a good start here because you are aware that something is messed up with your thinking. Unfortunately, just knowing that isn't enough, although it's a good start. The thinking is definitely the main problem. If it weren't for this screwed up thinking, an alcoholic would never pick up a drink. However, once this type of thinking has developed, it doesn't just go away on its own.

I go to AA and use the program of recovery that is laid out in the book, Alcoholics Anonymous. The program consists of 12 steps. It is suggested to get a sponsor who can guide one through the process. As a result of practicing these 12 steps, I've had what is called a "psychic change." In fact, taking a drink hasn't occurred to me in over a year. It just doesn't enter my mind. I can eat in restaurants where alcohol is served. I can push my buggy down the aisle at the grocery store where there's beer on one side and bread on the other and I don't even glance at the booze. I'm not even curious.

And all that stuff I was so ashamed of comes in handy these days when I'm talking to someone like you because they can relate to me. My shame is no longer shame. It's experience that can help other people identify. Sometimes I even get the chance to guide another through the program, and it's awesome to watch them change and help someone else.

Best wishes.

wren

I'm not sure if I've ever blacked out, but I have certainly sleepwalked while drinking. (maybe it's the same thing) This happened so many times I couldn't count.

I would wake up on the floor, instead of the bed.
I would wake up with wounds. Mostly bruises.
I would wake up and find broken glasses.

Once, after drinking and taking a sleep med, my housemate told me that I'd been making a racket during the night, slamming the bathroom door repeatedly.


Btw- I completely relate to the agoraphobia after bouts of drinking. Even small amounts of alcohol can do that to me.

RobertHugh

1) Woke up half in a creek, half out. Thankfully, my breathing parts were out.

2) Woke up on my landlord's couch, with his family staring at me, horrified.

3) Woke up in Ohio, when I was supposed to be in Pennsylvania. Had to ask a stranger what state I was in.

4) Woke up on the NYC subway, missing my wallet and watch, on New Year's Day.

On each of these days, I drank again.

When I drink, I become horrific, which is too much to bear, so I drink, and become horrific, which is too much to bear, so I drink...

tallcactus

And that is what keeps me sober today as well as all my consequences related to my drinking. (DUI's times 2, last over 8 years ago and almost loss of profession license.)
Probably the worst blackout that I had was waking up in the late afternoon from a binge, naked from the waist down, beer bottles on the coffee table and the floor, and pie all over the carpet.
I have no memory of what I did or who I talked with or even if anyone was drinking with me. I was so ashamed and afraid and couldn't look my neighbors in the eye for months. I isolated myself and did some serious thinking and decided that I needed a change, that drinking for me wasn't an option anymore. That was my bottom.

Shoei

I obviously can't remember too much but often girlfriends/friends would let me know some of the things I had said and done the night/day before. More often than not I had made some very aggressive speach to some unsuspecting and undeserving person who was quite often meant to be a friend. After hearing just enough I would not want to hear anymore as I was so ashamed and embarrassed......again . I would wonder around the place swearing out loud to myself like a mad man and would not feel better until I had had another drink to quash the terrible feelings somewhat and was able to get on the phone to the poor recipient and apologise.....again.
I think this is one of the greatest joys of being sober. The fact that as as my eyes open in the morning there is only a feeling of peace now. As the days (70 today) and weeks pass by all those terrible things I have said and done are becoming more distant and those poor people I abused are in many cases becoming closer and closer.

BullDog777

the best one i had was the one where my wife found me urinating in the dishwasher singing "never surrender" by Corey Hart at 3:00am on thanksgiving morning.

she threatened to youtube it if i ever relapsed. for that reason alone i can never drink again. :rotfxko

jmf7dd

O my my my.... the worst 'blackout' I "KNOW" of was the one that brought me to my sobriety , this time anyway. It's funny how it started. i joined this site on July 7th 2010 in the wee hours of the morning, I work graveyard and spend time online. Well I knew I "wanted" to get sober... I just didn't know how bad i "NEEDED" to get sober. So when I got off work i went home, oh home, my safety net. And i had pulled out some old things I had salvaged from a house fire years before. Old yearbooks, old poems I'd written, things of this nature. And I popped open my first beer, mind you this is about 8am. I started reading and looking at the pictures and each beer went down smoother and smoother. By 9am i was making phone calls, asking some family and friends questions about what I was like years ago... And each beer I continued to open felt even smoother than the last. I read a book of poetry from about 7th or 8th grade and I sounded LITERALLY insane! A little back history, at 17 I took myself, I requested my parents take me to be exact for a psych eval. and was diagnosed as a paranoid schitz. WOW did that suck. but with treatment and meds I was 'better' in about 6 months, off meds and back to my 'normal' self. and life went on... So as I sat there, drinking, reading these poems, I had a burning desire to call my mom, yet a second time this morning. And I asked her if I had ever 'seem' paranoid or skitzo before I sent MYSELF to a psychiatrist at 17. And her answer was, No, plainly and simply , No. Followed by a why do you ask.... So I read her the poems, while crying , and drinking my who know what beer I was on... And she was crying and said I should stop drinking and go to bed. Because I had to work again that night of course. So we ended our conversation and I continued drinking, now angry. Angry at her, angry at my dad, angry at every teacher, every adult I'd ever crossed paths with, for not recognizing my cry for help and getting me the help I needed, years before I went off the deep end. So then another burning desire to make yet another phone call came to me, this time to an ex boyfriend. Whom I met when I was 12 or 13, around the times of these poems and dated on and off for the next 4 years until he graduated HS and left to the navy. And asked him the same question, "was i crazy back then? did I 'seem' crazy then?" and he said , No, why... and I said uuggghhh okay and i think the conversation ended there and I let him go back to what ever he had been doing before I called to harass him. Well I had told myself that morning that I would stop drinking and go to bed by 2pm, get a full 8 hours rest for work and what not. Well here it is about 2 or 230pm and I don't feel nearly drunk enough to sleep. So I get out the 5th of vodka in my freezer and decide to have just one mixed drink, an 32oz drink, in hopes of being buzzed/drunk enough to sleep. Well I guess that plan did not work... I don't remember finishing that drink or anything after... But I have picture... Apparently that I had taken while drunk, and messages on my voicemail, and a recount of the upcoming events to be told from my roommate and my boyfriend to shed some light on what I later did. My roommate came home around 5 or 6pm if I remember the re-telling of the story right. And the music was blaring (another one of my fav things to do while getting drunk and feeling sorry for myself) and he just assumed I was sleeping. He noticed my door was open to my bedroom , it never is open, and so he check to make sure I was 'OK' and I wasn't in their. My bathroom door was shut and he apparently thought that perhaps I had passed out in their, for my safety, he checked. I was not there either. He made some phone calls and everyone reported to him that I had told them I was going to sleep by 2pm and they had no idea where I was at. He found me passed out in my truck... I go sit in their and smoke and listen to music when the weather is not ideal outside. So he tries to wake me and can not... he opens my eye lids, my eyes are rolled back. He carried me inside and I guess I woke up... sometime... and I started drinking the vodka again. ( I HAVE NO MEMORY OF ANY OF THIS) So i'm sitting on my counter ( about 3 to 4 feet off the ground) and I am insisting I need another drink and I reach for the bottle from his hand, and I fall. Slamming my arm into the counter on the way down. I guess at this point he puts me to bed, passed out, he is afraid that I may not wake up... he doesn't know who to call , so he calls my boyfriend. My boyfriend shows up, Bless this man, around 10pm and he doesn't think I'm breathing. I had drank so much my body is now slowing down, barely able to contract my diaphragm and keep me breathing. He is scared to death. He also tried to wake me, and can not. sits me up, opens my eyes, and nothing. So he calls my works, and lies, and says I'm in the ER with food poisoning. He was trying to spare my job. He continues to try and wake me , and can not. Funny enough, to me at least, I yell out, " I need a drink, two creams , one sugar" and that's it. He still finds no humor in the incident. I do. So he eventually leaves and goes home. I wake up around 6am, take a shower and rush off to jury duty. YES at 6am I'm hauling ass, mind you still drunk, literally drunk, to jury duty about 60 miles from my home. Spend the first 2 hours buzzing still....start noticing how sore I am. I've listened to some voicemails I have... and eventually make it back home around 5pm. And my roommate is there. I was telling him about how sore I was, and he had this puzzled look on his face and says "you don't remember falling" and then that rush of oh ****, what did I do this time comes flooding over me. And re-tells the nights events. I talk to my boyfriend on the phone and he tells me his version as well.... I HAVE NOT PICKED UP A DRINK SINCE I'm 48 days sober sitting here typing this. I've joined AA, yet again, I have a sponsor for the first time in my life and I really feel like I will never drink EVER AGAIN in my life. I know if I do, IT WILL KILL ME. It took 2 weeks of being sober to get me to walk into my first AA meeting again. I hated AA, it had 'failed' me 2 other times. (I realize now, I failed myself) This time I'm working the steps, making a conscious effort EVERYDAY to make myself a better person, and 'clean house'. That binge, however ridiculous this sounds, SAVED MY F@CKING LIFE! And I am grateful that I finally hit my 'low' and I know that everyone's is different, and that was mine. I have a million other 'lows' that could of opened my eyes, my divorce (even though I divorced him), my home in foreclosure, the loss of a job I had for 3 years, the loss of many friends, the hate some of my family has for me, my dui that Was only 6 months prior to this black out, I had only been convicted the month prior, but none of that mattered while I was drinking. NONE OF IT. I didn't care. I was happy, LOL, so i thought. As long as I could go out, have fun, party with friends, sleep with who ever, when ever I wanted.... that was all that mattered. And with sharing this story i will close with the responsible prayer. "I am Responsible. When anyone, anywhere reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA to be there. And for that , I AM RESPONSIBLE." I can only hope that my story can save someone else's life. Good luck. Stay safe for yourself, because at time YOU are all You will have left!