Came to believe we were powerless over OUR LIVES...
DOS: 11/6/10
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Florida Panhandle, USA
Posts: 736
Came to believe we were powerless over OUR LIVES...
And our lives are totally unmanageable.
Really. Long before the alcohol became "the answer" for me, we (husband and I) have always had varying degrees of depression, and he has some form of bipolar thrown into the mix. We don't know how to live, to handle our lives... and coming on that truth is way scarier than me having to admit I'm an alcoholic or anything like it. Simple things- paying bills, making appointments... are superhuman achievements for us; we get almost nothing done without herculean effort. For "normal" people, car insurance is a given; with us, it's a miracle.
We once owned a house, but thought we were moving to move up in our career. We didn't move, got back in debt, and our biggest regret is our house. It would have been paid off or nearly so by now, and the payment was half of what we're paying in rent right now (which I don't know how that gets paid every month either).
Is there such a thing as a halfway house for incompetent couples? We desperately need it. Or something like it. Maybe just a captain to come on board our ship and steer it back straight or something. Somehow, someone needs to step in and tell us what to do to fix all this, because I have just come to the realization that we can't.
The best thing we have going is our gig... and that is on tenuous ground as well; trying to move means starting from square one as far as getting gigs. Him being in the "mood of the day" on any given day isn't a help. When we're "on", we're fantastic; it's the best thing we do jointly or separately. When we're not, or when he is having a black day, we are average at best. Average doesn't beget more bookings, and that's a fact.
I'm going to try and call a friend without breaking down. Wish me luck. ANY advice, help, pointers, referrals, will be gratefully accepted. Desperations is a terrible place to be.
Really. Long before the alcohol became "the answer" for me, we (husband and I) have always had varying degrees of depression, and he has some form of bipolar thrown into the mix. We don't know how to live, to handle our lives... and coming on that truth is way scarier than me having to admit I'm an alcoholic or anything like it. Simple things- paying bills, making appointments... are superhuman achievements for us; we get almost nothing done without herculean effort. For "normal" people, car insurance is a given; with us, it's a miracle.
We once owned a house, but thought we were moving to move up in our career. We didn't move, got back in debt, and our biggest regret is our house. It would have been paid off or nearly so by now, and the payment was half of what we're paying in rent right now (which I don't know how that gets paid every month either).
Is there such a thing as a halfway house for incompetent couples? We desperately need it. Or something like it. Maybe just a captain to come on board our ship and steer it back straight or something. Somehow, someone needs to step in and tell us what to do to fix all this, because I have just come to the realization that we can't.
The best thing we have going is our gig... and that is on tenuous ground as well; trying to move means starting from square one as far as getting gigs. Him being in the "mood of the day" on any given day isn't a help. When we're "on", we're fantastic; it's the best thing we do jointly or separately. When we're not, or when he is having a black day, we are average at best. Average doesn't beget more bookings, and that's a fact.
I'm going to try and call a friend without breaking down. Wish me luck. ANY advice, help, pointers, referrals, will be gratefully accepted. Desperations is a terrible place to be.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I will bet there is a free mental health center near you.....call them and see about getting help.
I get medical assistance, attend counseling once a week and there are classes on different areas of life 4 days a week.
It has been a tremendous help.
60% of people with bipolar also have substance abuse, past or present.
When depression truly gets me down.....it is too much for me to fill an ice tray.
The above help I have gotten is priceless!
I get medical assistance, attend counseling once a week and there are classes on different areas of life 4 days a week.
It has been a tremendous help.
60% of people with bipolar also have substance abuse, past or present.
When depression truly gets me down.....it is too much for me to fill an ice tray.
The above help I have gotten is priceless!
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Sunrise - I'm sorry you and your husband are struggling. I know about financial stress (I make a living as an artist), and it's hard to act on anything when we're overwhelmed and/or depressed. I'd definitely follow Live's advice and get into counseling or even see a doc-in-a-box to get some help with any depression you might be having (or are you getting treatment for that now - what about your husband and his bipolar issues?).
I was able to see a counselor and a psychiatrist for almost no money through a local university. I know that there are other resources in most communities as well. In addition, there may be programs for financial counseling and/or some career help. Perhaps if you just commit to making ONE phone call a day, you'll find that you're slowly gaining ground again. Do you have any family that can help?
Prayers and hugs........:ghug3
Edited to add: Do you think this situation is a result of your addiction?
I was able to see a counselor and a psychiatrist for almost no money through a local university. I know that there are other resources in most communities as well. In addition, there may be programs for financial counseling and/or some career help. Perhaps if you just commit to making ONE phone call a day, you'll find that you're slowly gaining ground again. Do you have any family that can help?
Prayers and hugs........:ghug3
Edited to add: Do you think this situation is a result of your addiction?
DOS: 11/6/10
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Florida Panhandle, USA
Posts: 736
Live, Dee and Artsoul, thank you so much for your responses. I will definitely check out what is available free/low cost in our area.
Artsoul, I think it was the other way around... the depression caused my alcoholism. I've been depressed or had related "issues" since my early teens. I had an eating disorder throughout high school, and until I was about 25, when the OCD crept in, etc etc.
I am on a combination of wellbutrin and zoloft that seems to help with the worst of it, but bipolar is trickier to find the right combination of meds and haven't been successful yet. Our meds Dr. is booked 3 months in advance so it's really not a workable situation considering we are going out of town; I tried to reschedule for 3 days earlier and was told she had nothing until NOVEMBER. Can't work with that.
I'm willing to do whatever it takes to figure out this thing called "life"... Sadly, I was this ill- equipped to deal with life before any chemical dependency. Both husband and I have lived slightly outside the rules, getting bailed out financially here and there, and being unable to establish ourselves as normal, together people.
I know it's silly thinking but it would be awesome to have a life coach or somebody show up and just help us get our proverbial &%& together. I want to do it right... I don't want to pay overdue bills because I'm unorganized... I don't want to go to the power company on the day before they're due to shut the power off because it took an ultimatum like that to get me off my a$$, not because we didn't have the money to at least pay the past due.
As far as family... his family does help where they can, especially his older brother. My side? A little trickier. They do not know our real situation... I think it would crush my father to know how deep in debt we are and how incapable we are of handling simple things in our lives. And it would crush me to crush him.
Wow, we just need help in the worst way. I wonder if Bill Gates needs a court jester?
Artsoul, I think it was the other way around... the depression caused my alcoholism. I've been depressed or had related "issues" since my early teens. I had an eating disorder throughout high school, and until I was about 25, when the OCD crept in, etc etc.
I am on a combination of wellbutrin and zoloft that seems to help with the worst of it, but bipolar is trickier to find the right combination of meds and haven't been successful yet. Our meds Dr. is booked 3 months in advance so it's really not a workable situation considering we are going out of town; I tried to reschedule for 3 days earlier and was told she had nothing until NOVEMBER. Can't work with that.
I'm willing to do whatever it takes to figure out this thing called "life"... Sadly, I was this ill- equipped to deal with life before any chemical dependency. Both husband and I have lived slightly outside the rules, getting bailed out financially here and there, and being unable to establish ourselves as normal, together people.
I know it's silly thinking but it would be awesome to have a life coach or somebody show up and just help us get our proverbial &%& together. I want to do it right... I don't want to pay overdue bills because I'm unorganized... I don't want to go to the power company on the day before they're due to shut the power off because it took an ultimatum like that to get me off my a$$, not because we didn't have the money to at least pay the past due.
As far as family... his family does help where they can, especially his older brother. My side? A little trickier. They do not know our real situation... I think it would crush my father to know how deep in debt we are and how incapable we are of handling simple things in our lives. And it would crush me to crush him.
Wow, we just need help in the worst way. I wonder if Bill Gates needs a court jester?
Grouch and Brainstorm
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 238
I love the idea of getting a captain on board to steer the ship. I used to tell my father (who died last year) that he should volunteer for just sort an assignment-- helping struggling families take inventory, assess what they need to live, where they can save, and "right the ship." Having grown up with very little, he developed skills in this area that I cherished as I started my own family.
But getting help is key, particularly when you're struggling to do the basic blocking and tackling of life. I would be more than happy to help to the extent that I can, but I don't know how practical that idea is.
I know this: you will begin to feel better when you see there is a plan. And feeling better means better music, I would imagine. Which means more gigs.
This is not the time to remind you that one of the promises of AA is that fear of financial insecurity will leave you. But your recovery is a big factor here as well.
But getting help is key, particularly when you're struggling to do the basic blocking and tackling of life. I would be more than happy to help to the extent that I can, but I don't know how practical that idea is.
I know this: you will begin to feel better when you see there is a plan. And feeling better means better music, I would imagine. Which means more gigs.
This is not the time to remind you that one of the promises of AA is that fear of financial insecurity will leave you. But your recovery is a big factor here as well.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sunrise,
I hear ya on managing regular "life skills". I have a very responsible job, but I am HORRIBLY disorganized, and I wish I had a MOM to come in and tell me how to get my act together at home.
On the bills/financial front. I DO manage (in spite of myself) to get the bills paid on time. Here's what I do. When I bring in the mail, before I put it down I go through every piece of mail and throw out the junk.
Anything that is a bill, statement, whatever, I put in one place (I have a little woven basket with compartments). I usually don't open stuff right then unless I have to. Once a week I open all the bills, note the amount due and the due date and write it on the outside of the envelope. Any bills due within the next week or two I pay right then. Any of the other bills that are due later go into a bank deposit envelope I keep for that purpose.
If I sit down one day a week with the mail out of the basket, and the bills I already have marked in the bank deposit envelope, and pay whatever is due in the next week or two, I'm done. Because I have the amounts and the due dates scribbled on the outside of the envelopes the bills come in, it's quick and relatively painless.
Another thing that helps me avoid nasty surprises like late fees is to use the "bill pay" features at my bank's website for certain bills that are critical (e.g., credit card bills). The other bills, that are less critical, I pay when they are due because there is a little more "flex" (e.g., your cable is not going to be shut off if you are five days late because your paycheck hasn't been deposited).
I don't know whether any of that will help, but as I said, it's about the only area of my personal life I DO stay on top of. We won't discuss laundry and household chores.
I hear ya on managing regular "life skills". I have a very responsible job, but I am HORRIBLY disorganized, and I wish I had a MOM to come in and tell me how to get my act together at home.
On the bills/financial front. I DO manage (in spite of myself) to get the bills paid on time. Here's what I do. When I bring in the mail, before I put it down I go through every piece of mail and throw out the junk.
Anything that is a bill, statement, whatever, I put in one place (I have a little woven basket with compartments). I usually don't open stuff right then unless I have to. Once a week I open all the bills, note the amount due and the due date and write it on the outside of the envelope. Any bills due within the next week or two I pay right then. Any of the other bills that are due later go into a bank deposit envelope I keep for that purpose.
If I sit down one day a week with the mail out of the basket, and the bills I already have marked in the bank deposit envelope, and pay whatever is due in the next week or two, I'm done. Because I have the amounts and the due dates scribbled on the outside of the envelopes the bills come in, it's quick and relatively painless.
Another thing that helps me avoid nasty surprises like late fees is to use the "bill pay" features at my bank's website for certain bills that are critical (e.g., credit card bills). The other bills, that are less critical, I pay when they are due because there is a little more "flex" (e.g., your cable is not going to be shut off if you are five days late because your paycheck hasn't been deposited).
I don't know whether any of that will help, but as I said, it's about the only area of my personal life I DO stay on top of. We won't discuss laundry and household chores.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
organizing your life:
check out Flylady on the internet
counseling as an adjunct.
I am not there yet either but my bipolar is being managed successfully for the first time.
A mood stabilizer is an absolute must for any bipolar...then other symptoms are treated.
Lithium is the "gold standard" and first choice of treatment from my reading around.
I take a different one.
check out Flylady on the internet
counseling as an adjunct.
I am not there yet either but my bipolar is being managed successfully for the first time.
A mood stabilizer is an absolute must for any bipolar...then other symptoms are treated.
Lithium is the "gold standard" and first choice of treatment from my reading around.
I take a different one.
DOS: 11/6/10
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Florida Panhandle, USA
Posts: 736
Live, we have tried Depakote with Abilify but our experience was it turned him into a complete zombie. We really need help with the "down' side... the manic side is a joy to behold and results in some of our best shows.
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